Tag Archives: Politics

Anti-gentrificationist’s home given makeover during break-in by hipsters

Camdendemo

When they got home they found wind chimes in their garden

In a surprise revenge attack, hipsters broke into an anarchist’s home over the weekend, when he was out demonstrating against a cereal cafe, then filled it with John Lewis soft furnishing and fabrics.

“When we got back from the demo” sobbed one of the victims, Jeff Jones “we found some low-life had left a pair of lava lamps and an original Bang & Olufsen turntable in the living room and a fondue set in the kitchen.” Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, News, Politics

Ellwood on parliamentary expenses write-off “I don’t pay bills under £100.”

tobias-ellwood2

This might be Tobias Ellwood. Or some other buffoon. Who knows?

Tobias Ellwood says that having a £26.50 expenses debt written off by the parliamentary standards authority (IPSA) is only fair, given how much other money he has to worry about.

“Look, poor people are used to being careful with money.” Ellwood said “But someone like me, who’s always had stacks of the stuff, scraping by on a mere £90K a year is just awful.”

Friends say £90K might seem a lot of cash but when the costs of food, transport, rent/mortgage are factored in, he’ll only have £90K left.

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Filed under News, Politics

National Rail will stay shit ‘for the foreseeable future’

ministeamtrain

Rail development in the North is being shelved for a few years

Plans to make rail travel bearable were ‘overly ambitious’ admitted transport minister Patrick McLoughlin yesterday, from the back of his official Jaguar.

McLoughlin explained how, with the election over, there is now no  immediate need to have northerners clogging up platforms and corridors with their whippets and homing pigeons.

“That’s it for the Northern Power-house for the time being” he chuckled “Northern Shite-house more like. Have you seen the way Jaguar ruche their leather seats on the new models by the way? Great to run your fingers over.”

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Filed under News, Politics, Travel

Ed Milliband needs to win at least 67 more seats to get into Downing Street

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Ed Milliband needs to win at least 67 more seats to get into Downing Street

Labour has a fight on its hands to win the General Election, as it needs to gain 67 MPs to get an overall majority.

Ed Miliband will be hoping to win back many of the seats the party lost in 2010, and will also need to take some big scalps to get into Downing Street. Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2015, Labour, Politics

Nigel Farage ‘not sure’ if he’s ever met a black person

New evidence that Nigel Farage may indeed be colour blind

UKIP will scrap laws preventing racial discrimination at work, says Nigel Farage.

Asked if he would retain a ban on discrimination on the grounds of race or colour, he said: “No, as a party we are colour-blind. Luckily,  we can still make out light and dark shades.”

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Filed under Election 2015, idiots, Politics, TV

UK lends Greece Nick Clegg, to help sell their sell-out

cleggy

Nick hears the call

Greece’s Prime Minister has asked David Cameron for Nick Clegg on loan, as he prepares for a massive climb down on pledges which brought him election success.

The untried Greek government has no experience of being in power and wants a seasoned u-turner behind the scenes to help with excuses.

“Nick is going to be out of contract in May anyway” said Cameron “so we’re lending him out a couple of months early, for 30 hours a week, as a condition of his JSA payment.”

Meanwhile Finance Minister Yanis Varoufakis said he would ‘work night and day until Monday’ to devise the list of reforms. “Except for the weekend, obviously. No-one works weekends in Greece.”

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Filed under Election 2015, Greek bail-out, International News, Politics

Labour promises Ed Miliband an apprenticeship if they win the next election

The moment of realisation

If I can’t see them they can’t see me, right?

“We realise Ed has never run anything more complex than a bath” said a Labour press officer today “so we’re guaranteeing to put him on a day-release scheme to learn the basics. ”

“Assuming UK voters are stupid enough to overlook that he was one our last load of wankers.”

“Like challenging the energy companies when you’re actually in power,  say as an energy minister? Not like last time, when you were err … an energy mister Ed? Like saying ‘Grrr’ to Rupert Murdoch when you’re in Downing Street? Not like the last time, when you had to join a long queue of Labour colleagues to kiss his ring Ed?” asked everyone else.

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Filed under Apprenticeships, Election 2015, Politics

Ratings crash: Miliband may have been unconscious at the wheel

Ed… Ed ……. Is he asleep? ED!!

The leader of a political party which careered out of control in Scotland says he has no memory of the crash, or events which led up to it.

Ed Miliband told the Evening Harold that although he understands Scottish Labour MPs want answers, he’d been unconscious for several years and could not remember anything.

Labour’s former-leader in-waiting says that he had no problems before 2010, apart from letting energy companies get away with murder when he was Energy Secretary. “But after that things are just a blur”.

The party went out of control in Westminster, shortly after his brother lost the leadership election and then crashed right across the UK, before being written off in a slow-motion Scottish catastrophe shortly after September 2014.

In a statement yesterday Mr Miliband said “I want to be able to reach out to the soon-to-be-ex Labour MPs and their families. Does anyone know who they are and where they live?”

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Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics

Government worried all NHS staff aren’t yet de-motivated

huntfingers

‘Even this much self-worth strikes at the very heart of Tory policies’

With a recent survey showing some NHS workers aren’t on anti-depressants, Ministers fear they might still be feeling OK about themselves.

“Staff self-esteem is much the same as C. difficile.” said a swivel-eyed Jeremy Hunt yesterday “Not something you really want to find in a hospital but succeptible to vicious, sustained attack nonetheless.”

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Filed under Health, News, Politics

BBC announces Spy Competition to find leaders for Blue Peter Youth movement.

Flag made from sticky backed plastic and a pair of Val's old knickers.

Flag made from sticky backed plastic and a pair of Val’s old knickers.

BBC bosses have announced a children’s spy competition in conjunction with MI5 to find kids with the right ‘attitude and qualifications’ to lead the new Blue Peter Youth movement.

The Blue Peter Youth is being set up as a social initiative to encourage children to take part in local activities such as collecting milk bottle tops for charity, dog walking, racism, and bracing outdoor activities like cycling, hill walking and book burning. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Culture, Entertainment, Media, Politics, TV, Uncategorized

Hinchingbrooke management ‘hadn’t expected lots of sick people’

hinchinbrooke2

“No, really. You’re welcome to it.” [Circle Holdings 2015]

Circle Holdings, the first private firm to manage a NHS hospital, says it’s upset that so many sick people took advantage of a free service “… and thus spoiled it for everyone else”.

The company is so upset that it’s decided to withdraw from Hinchingbrooke hospital but made it clear that it will continue with many other NHS deals. “Some are very profitable,” agreed Circle’s top Money-Wrangler Steve Melton “and in such cases it would clearly be unethical to let the public down.” Continue reading

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Filed under Aggressively Tested, Health, Medicine, News, Politics

Victim worried by Cameron’s claim: ‘all my thoughts are with you’

cameronthinking1

I’m really thinking ‘what’s for dinner?’

A victim of last week’s River Gluggle flood is concerned, after David Cameron emailed to say that all his thoughts were with him. Villager Dominic Delaney had contacted MP Spencer Chadwick to complain about the floods but received a response from the PM instead.

An anxious Delaney had this to say “I’ve no idea when his thoughts are due here … although I had a dreadful headache this morning. I assumed it was the lingering stench of sewage but maybe it was him; who knows what shit he thinks about? He might start thinking about bacon at any moment and I’m vegetarian”.

Rev Tansy Forster is backing Delaney’s fight against politicians’ indiscriminate sending of unwanted thoughts, and believes they’re becoming more frequent in the run-up to the election.”Some of them are so inappropriate. I was choosing what to have for breakfast on New Year’s eve when a fully-costed plan to feed prisoners pig-swill popped into my head; I’d accidentally tuned in to Chris Grayling’s malign resolution-brooding.”

“The next morning, when I was supposed to be praying, I wondered if it would be fun to kick away the crutches of disabled benefit claimants. I suspected it was satan tempting me” said Forster “but when I began to think about selling their crutches on Ebay I realised I was channelling Iain Duncan Smith.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Election 2015, Politics

Labour advised to keep quiet about Ed Miliband

milibandhaventgotaclue

You really want to know? I haven’t got a clue.

A leaked Labour document which has been sent to some of the party’s MPs and activists, says they should deny all knowledge of Ed Miliband while out campaigning in the run up to the next election.It says the issue could be “unhelpful” and may risk losing votes.
The document suggests that that campaigners should use whatever diversionary tactics they can think of if anyone mentions the ‘M’ word. Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Election 2015, Politics

Miliband: “Labour’s deficit plan is to tax someone else”

milibandorange

How large is the deficit? Errm … at least this big.

Ed Miliband says that giving you and your business more money, whilst simultaneously taking taxes from someone else, will balance the nation’s books during the lifetime of a parliament.

“The next Labour government’s cuts will be kinder, more user-friendly you might say, than those of a Tory government.” said the Labour leader “And friends, that’s partly possible because we aren’t the Nasty Party. But mostly because of our deficit-reduction silver-bullet pledge. Our  cuts will only affect … someone else! Should it be silver-bullet, wouldn’t cast-iron sound better?”

Harold resident and ‘Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!’ owner  Pippa Delaney was delighted when she heard the news “I hate being taxed. And I love things like Harold’s NHS provision, Harold’s schools and our lovely Harold police, especially PC Flegg.”

“Now that Ed’s promised to ring-fence those important services” a clearly relieved Delaney explained “I’m happy with cuts to other wasteful services used by other people in other places, such as Dunstable. I’m definitely voting Labour now. Miliband is Labour isn’t he?Or is that the other Ed?”

Ms Delaney says she is sure Ed Miliband will wish to speak with her before finalising his election manifesto “I’ve already jotted down all the services I use but I’ve also done some of the other donkey work for him and drawn up a list of other people to tax.”

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Filed under breaking news, Deficit, Economy, Politics

Tory Peer ‘fitting poor with more stomachs would enable them to eat grass’

chavinfield

“Don’t chew it too quickly. It can make the meat tough.”

A senior Tory peer has suggested that the poor would be less hungry if they learned to graze, while also claiming their sedentary lifestyle makes them ‘as tender as veal’.

The Baroness Lettuce De Mondieu believes that fitting ‘a few rudimentary additional stomachs’ would enable the underclasses to chew the cud on roundabouts and recreational grounds, whilst preserving their sought-after organic status.

“No-one should have to see starving faces in 21st century Britain”, said Lady De Mondieu “But fillet steak can be awfully expensive. Better to perform a simple operation on a few unfortunate beasts and give them a chance to fatten up naturally and cheaply. If we start now, I could have one for Christmas dinner.”

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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Politics

Plebgate latest: Andrew Mitchell’s ‘unusually high’ expenses queried

mitchelldoyouwantsome

“Come on then. Do you want some, you w**ker?”

The Parliamentary Standards Authority has queried a £3 million ‘photocopy paper & sundry office supplies’ bill, which appeared overnight on Andrew Mitchell’s expenses claim form.

“Yes, it is a bit on the high side” admitted Enid Baxter, the night-duty Emergency Expenses Officer” and we’d have preferred it to be on a printed invoice, rather than handwritten on the back of an envelope”.

However, Baxter says it wasn’t the amount of the claim which caused concern but the request for the cheque to be made out to ‘cash’.

“I expect his mind was on other things” she conceded, “what with the £3 million libel case court costs and the Judge finding out he was lying. Probably.”

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Relief that Ed Miliband will be put down later this week

Hmm. Don't think much of the leader. Who is he?

“Hmm. I don’t think much of the leader either. Who is he?”

Shadow Ministers will arrive at ‘work’ today with a spring in their steps, knowing that, as a final act of kindness, Ed Miliband will be culled before the weekend.

Lord Kinnock’s ringing endorsement of Labour’s human drag-anchor was the penultimate nail in the near-complete coffin, according to Lady Kinnock.

“Good grief! Neil didn’t know he was leading us to defeat, even when he’d already done it once before. As soon as I heard him talking-up Ed on Radio 4, I got my black dress and veil out of the attic and straight round to the cleaners”.

Colleagues queuing for tickets to stab Ed in the back, debated when the deed should be done. Some favoured Remembrance Day, with the nation’s attention elsewhere for a minute at 11am; others Friday morning, to allow the new leader a  full weekend before calls for their resignation begin.

“Yes, it was only this morning that I noticed Ed was useless,” briefed a potential leadership candidate yesterday “but you can trust in my vision for economic prosperity. Sorry, gotta go, Yvette’s doing a Sunday roast.”

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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics

Theresa May: Fresh crisis as Norma Jean Baker resigns from Home Office

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Norma Jean Baker in happier times

Hapless Theresa May had barely sat down after pretending to apologise to the Commons for last weeks balls-ups, when ‘some Lib-Dem woman’ resigned from her team yesterday afternoon.

“I’m grateful to Norma Jean for all her work for the Home Office over the last err… Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Politics

HS3 will give northerners the opportunity of not finding work right across the north of England

The North. That way, isn't it?

The North. That way, isn’t it?

David Cameron welcomed plans for HS3 this afternoon, after reading at least three pages of a report by HS2’s Sir David Higgins over luncheon.

“It’s much easier to plan than to implement,” said the PM “so I’m grateful for Sir David’s searching analysis with all its potential for shuffling that £1.7b Euro-Invoice onto page two … err … for linking up the great centres of northern unemployment … err … Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics, Transport

‘Lock up your kids’ a promise not a warning says Grayling

ccatcherLarge

Don’t worry, they won’t be your kids, or those of your friends. Their parents probably shop in Lidl.

Chris Grayling has defended his latest blundering about in the criminal justice system, building children’s super-prisons, pointing out that they will always be for other people’s kids so nice people like you haven’t got anything to worry about.

Like Mr Graylings other initiatives, this one is soundly based on European research; his gardeners are all from Turkey and agreed the idea seemed good when it was explained to them in the greenhouse last Thursday. Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics, Uncategorized