Kim reveals the secret to his remarkable figure.
In an attempt to bring homogeny to the people of North Korea, Kim Jong-un has decreed that all citizens will weigh ‘around 25 stone’.
Already resplendent in the haircut of the Dear Leader, the entire population is expected to treble in weight ‘as swiftly as possible’.
“Respected Comrade Kim Jong-un has blessed us with his wobbling image of beauty”, announced the Politburo. “He has worked tirelessly through our buttered lobster reserves to become ‘larger than life’ for all our benefit.”
Do you know who I am Mr Putin?
Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has revealed that his plan for an alternative to the Trident nuclear deterrent is to have Ronnie Pickering offer to fight any hostile countries.
The logic behind Trident is to deter a nuclear attack on the UK because, even if normal defences were destroyed, the submarine carrying the weapon could still launch a devastating retaliatory attack. Corbyn believes this same deterrent can be achieved with the threat of Ronnie Pickering offering to step outside for a bare-knuckle fight with anybody that nuked the country. Continue reading
A suspected hacking attempt has left North Korea disconnected from the Internet. The blackout leaves most of the people in the reclusive dictatorship asking ‘what’s an Internet?’
“I heard on the state news that the small and insignificant country America had attacked our internet, whatever that is,” one Pyongyang resident said.
“I was appalled and sincerely hope our supreme leader can fix it with his special fixing hammer. Then it can start doing whatever it is it does.
It’s been happening since 1776 and has made outstanding contributions to global culture like Phyllis Diller, the chocolate chip pancake covered pork sausage on a stick (no, really) and the maine coon cat but now in the face of a non-specific threat from some unidentified hackers the USA has decided to cancel itself. Continue reading
We’d make a crack about what a fatty he is but as the saying goes ‘let he who is without brie cast the first wheel’
Mendacious man mountain Kim Jong-un has been seen out and about in Pyongyang according to North Korean state media.
“Our glorious leader has visited two locations very important to making our great nation stronger and better,” a statement released earlier today said. “We’re not giving specific dates and times nor is there any footage of these visits, which totally did happen, you guys, we BFFs forever pinky-swear, because reasons.”
“Kim Jong-un is well and dedicates all his time to serving his beloved people by heroically consuming more calories in a day than the rest of us have access to in a week and hanging out with Dennis Rodman.”
These words sparked carefully orchestrated scenes of spontaneous joy on the streets of Pyongyang and a state of ecstasy in the below the line comments on the Guardian website.
Zhou prepares his signature dish ‘Rice’
A restaurant specialising in North Korean cuisine reacted furiously to being left out of the World ‘top 50’ list despite consistently recording customer satisfaction ratings in excess of 99.9%.
Dave Zhou, supreme proprietor of ‘the 38th Parallel’ in the sleepy village of Harold, told reporters that the World ‘top 50’ snub showed that the Judges were mere prawns in the Western Capitalist Pig Dog Global Conspiracy before clarifying to a hungry member of the press that yes, he did in fact take American Express.
Zhou, who is well known for his signature, and in fact only, dish ‘Rice’, said the Judges had failed to appreciate his ground breaking fusion technique: “I just pound the rice and cook it for a few minutes longer than usual and it all sticks together.”
Here is a picture of all of North Korea's eligable voters casting their vote
North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has waded into the Ukraine debate today, telling the country to look at his own country’s election that took place today as a beacon of democracy. “This is how governments should be decided,” Mr Kim said in a statement to the Ukrainian politicians.
“People voting not with guns and violence, but with their feet, or for those that haven’t had them chopped off, with their hands.” Continue reading
Harry promises to stop playing billiards a with ginger balls
With news coming out of North Korea that Kim Jong-un has had his military-based uncle executed for, amongst other things, womanising and drug taking, Prince Harry is reportedly seeking reassurance over the future temperament of Prince George.
Harry has previously admitted smoking cannabis and been pictured playing naked billiards in a Las Vegas hotel with women in a similar state of undress. Looking at events in North Korea, Harry is said to be ‘nervous’ about his own nephew’s reaction to his past behaviour.
Not your usual picture of North Korea. This is Begaebong, Samjiyon County. The run is on Mount Paektu, an active volcano and Bond villain’s lair.
Twenty-four hours after North Korea celebrated its 65th birthday with a mind-buggeringly lengthy parade of synchronised military nonsense the Foreign Office is fretting that it may have given the only country in the world run by a totalitarian family dictatorship a rubbish present.
“We’ve heard nothing,” said a nervous William Hague. “By now I would’ve at least expected a text saying thnx. And on Facebook I can see that they’ve read our message wishing them a happy birthday but they’ve not responded.” Continue reading
Regime denied statues ‘lean to the left’
A local economist ‘endangered the lives of journalists’, by infiltrating their group and penetrating the very heart of the BBC. That’s the claim from a union rep who handles the camera crews, sound recordists and script readers, who do the bidding of the shadowy regime.
Professor of economics Julia Hogsburn has often wondered about the inner workings of the BBC, and how so many inside the system believe what they’re told without question.
But living in Harold meant Hogsburn was unlikely to come into contact with anyone from the state broadcaster, because she lives over 40 miles outside the M25.