“Nothing up my sleeves. Nothing between my ears”
TV viewers were shocked yesterday as they watched Jeremy Hunt, acting under the influence of illusionist Derren Brown, pushed a large proportion of Junior Doctors over the edge into strike action.
“It was awful.” said Elsie Duggan, a resident at Over-the-Hill Nursing Home in Harold. “Watching the build up, it was obvious what was going to happen. Hunt looked completely crazed, although to be fair that’s his normal look. Continue reading
“See this? That’s more than the public will benefit.”
Jeremy Hunt is delighted with the success of the Lewisham and Greenwich NHS Choir’s single, but says all the profits must go to the NHS, as the song was performed in NHS uniforms and filmed on NHS premises.
“But vulnerable individuals will still benefit.” assured the Health Secretary “After we take a 55% administration fee, the balance will be spent on staff redundancy payments.”
One small drop for the NHS, one giant leap for the National Debt.
A Department of Health proposal to reclassify homeopathy as pure cuckoo and so exclude it from NHS spending has come under fire from the alternative therapies industry.
The Department of Health says that there is no scientific evidence to support homeopathy as an effective form of medical treatment and it must be removed entirely from NHS spending. But that is missing the whole point, says local alternative practitioner George Tredinnick.
“It’s a complete category error to want to apply scientific principles to homeopathy, which by its very nature relies on Belief in Magic,” he said. “Unfortunately, Government Ministers have not one tiny drop of imagination between them.”
It’s ‘Cunt’ with a ‘C’ not an ‘H’
Jeremy Cunt, the Secretary of State for Health, says he is sick and tired of immature prudes pretending his last name is ‘Hunt’.
“My last name is ‘Cunt’ and I have always been a ‘Cunt’” said Jeremy Cunt. “To call me ‘Hunt’ is disrespectful to me and it’s disrespectful to my parents Mike and Lyke.”
Mr Cunt said it was the 21st century and just because ‘cunt’ was slang for a vagina and also a strong term of abuse were no reasons for people to shy away from calling him ‘Cunt’.
Hunt tries to demonstrate how much blame attaches to him, personally
Popular Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt is furious, after learning that his hospitals are £930m in the red in the first three months of the financial year.
“More than the whole of last year! Who the f*ck created this cock-up?” Continue reading
Hunt demonstrates how much he knows about raising staff morale
Tory Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt called the emergency services today, after his foot became jammed in his mouth whilst he explained the rationale behind cutting the pay of junior doctors.
A DoH spokesperson said “The Minister would have preferred to be treated properly, under his BUPA plan. Unfortunately, the ambulance driver became deaf en route and by mistake Continue reading
This is how much I value doctors
Doctors’ trade union, the BMA is confused by Jeremy Hunt’s call for a 7 day service “We expected Mr Hunt to take much longer to reduce the scope of the NHS” said BMA chair Dr Mark Porter today “but we’re hoping the 7 days are in the winter, excluding Christmas & New Year”.
Hunt is generally pleased with the number of doctors baling out of the NHS or retiring early but thinks there is more he can do. Continue reading
Filed under Health, Politics
“Why won’t they work longer hours for less money?” wonders the chillaxing multi-millionaire.
David Cameron will today pledge to destroy the world’s first universal health service and guarantee his City chums “armfuls of dosh from privatisation wherever they are and whenever they need it.”
In his first speech since beating Ed Miliband like a red-headed mule in the general election, the Prime Minister will promise that billions of pounds of tax-payers money will be thrust into fat cats hands now and “for every generation of one percenters to come.” Continue reading
Now all we need is a Klingon proof nappy
Technology will soon be available to make traditional births a thing of the past with babies set to be beamed down to their nursery cots instead of expectant mothers having to endure a long and sometimes painful labour.
It is a far cry from Call the Midwife, but local midwife Betty Nunn is convinced that beamed births are the way forward, saving millions of pounds for the National Health Service.
‘Even this much self-worth strikes at the very heart of Tory policies’
With a recent survey showing some NHS workers aren’t on anti-depressants, Ministers fear they might still be feeling OK about themselves.
“Staff self-esteem is much the same as C. difficile.” said a swivel-eyed Jeremy Hunt yesterday “Not something you really want to find in a hospital but succeptible to vicious, sustained attack nonetheless.”
Patients can also choose not to be neutered.
Rather than expose patients to 15 hour waits in beleaguered A&E units, a NHS whistle-blower has revealed that some overstretched hospitals have been referring patients to veterinary practices for more immediate treatment.
Even more embarrassing for the NHS, internal surveys of customer satisfaction have shown that patients would rather return to the vet for further treatment rather than their local hospital. Continue reading
“No, really. You’re welcome to it.” [Circle Holdings 2015]
Circle Holdings, the first private firm to manage a NHS hospital, says it’s upset that so many sick people took advantage of a free service “… and thus spoiled it for everyone else”.
The company is so upset that it’s decided to withdraw from Hinchingbrooke hospital but made it clear that it will continue with many other NHS deals. “Some are very profitable,” agreed Circle’s top Money-Wrangler Steve Melton “and in such cases it would clearly be unethical to let the public down.” Continue reading
Fortunately, the machine can still take money from people suffering from concussion.
A company that sells chocolate to people with head injuries is celebrating their ‘best week ever’.
With demand for slightly out-of-date Bounties reaching a peak not seen since last year’s outbreak of the norovirus, Dunstable firm SickSnacks Ltd are looking to projectily increase their coverage.
“The little spiral things in our product dispersal doodads have been empty for days”, bragged Managing Director Derek Fister. “And the recent change to our policy on giving out change is really paying dividends.”
For some people looking to not starve to death while waiting for medical treatment, the firm has literally been a lifeline.
Timmy the Tapeworm ….. and host
Instead of spending thousands of pounds on expensive surgery, the NHS is understood to be planning to provide obese patients with their own pet tape worm.
No invasive procedures are required in this breakthrough treatment. In trials, the tape worm was introduced to the patient disguised in a cream cake. There was one unfortunate incident when a worm was ingested via a burger, but officials at the Dunstable & District General have stressed this was an isolated incident and the kitchen hygiene policy is now being observed.
“At first I was gutted to find I was being given a tape worm instead of a posh gastric band,” said Harold resident Jane Fondant
NHS England has announced it is to reinvent itself as a bank in order to secure the levels of government funding it needs to provide adequate healthcare and properly paid staff by means of a multibillion pound bailout.
The news comes on the back of strikes by nursing staff who have had their pay frozen, and as NHS England report it could have a funding shortfall of £2bn.
“We have made savings of nearly £20bn” it said in a statement, “but are currently unable to afford some treatment for illnesses such as cancer, heart disease or MPs’ memory loss.
Filed under Economy, Health
The NHS has rolled out a fast-track evacuation service to get patients out of bed and on their way home in a matter of seconds by fitting airplane-style slides to the windows of every hospital. Continue reading
Filed under Medicine, News
Volume-wise this one goes all the way up to eleven
The NHS has launched a new scheme aimed squarely at the selfish and the sociopathic. Hospital patients can now rent any machine that makes a noise guaranteeing them fast and full attention from nurses. Continue reading
This man’s injuries weren’t considered budget-threatening.
People with just one serious injury should ‘stay away’ from hospital until they’ve acquired a minimum of three.
Such a move could save the NHS over £35 million a year and reduce the demand on vending machines in Accident and Emergency wards, according to accountants.
“Hospitals are busy places, and no-one ever died from a broken leg”, guessed Simone Evans of Dunstable hospital’s para-accounting department. “Whereas a broken leg, a collapsed lung and a burst spleen treated in one, efficient visit could allow us to make a profit.”
An audit of customers in one A&E department revealed a startling level of clumsiness. Such a predisposition makes further injuries inevitable, particularly if they black out.
“If you’ve shattered your pelvis, rather than running crying to us straight away, why not sit on it for a while?” asked Evans.
“I hate being perfectly healthy, I have to work so much harder for attention.”
The World Health Organisation is investigating evidence that Ebola can be spread by vague platitudes and insincere sympathy posted on Facebook.
“I updated my status to ‘Feel fluey, legs ache. Blood running from my eyes’,” one Ebola sufferer told us. “I got four comments within five minutes saying ‘Awww bless. Huggz.’ now those people have Ebola too.” Continue reading
No, not your vital signs, it’s your stock market performance
Young brain tumour patient Ashya King has arrived in Prague after flying in from Malaga.
The centre reviewed Malaga hospital documents before Ashya travelled but need to see bank statements before determining his suitability for treatment.
Mr King is due to meet doctors at the Proton Therapy Centre to discuss options. A spokesman explained that their specialist intervention is not suitable for everyone, particularly poor people Continue reading