Safe pair of hands at first slip
Fresh from his announcement that World War One was actually a masterpiece of military planning, Education Secretary Michael Gove has now claimed that the Ashes tour was a ‘triumph’ for the England team.
“Left-wing defeatist commentators are trying to spread the myth that the Ashes tour was some sort of shambles, with under-prepared men sent to certain disaster by an out-of-touch elite,” he snarled this morning. “But let me tell you that good historians, such as myself, see the hostilities as necessary, and a price worth paying to show the Australians very clearly who’s the boss.” Continue reading
Filed under Politics, Sport
Predator: do not let this man near your children
Education Secretary, Michael Gove, has announced that he has solved the current primary school places crisis by arranging for the children of parents who receive any form of state benefit and/or whose income places them in the lowest third of wage-earners in the country to be educated in houses of work instead of schools.
“This new system is of benefit to all,” Gove declared. “Your typical hard-working family – maybe he’s a Cabinet minister and she writes drivel that would shame a baboon for the Daily Mail – will no longer have their beloved children exposed to the kids of people who have failed in life. It is unfair to both sides for everyone to educated together. Rich children shouldn’t be expected to share and poor ones shouldn’t be encouraged to have aspirations.” Continue reading
Double threat: this man is a pretend surgeon and a pretend soldier. But oh, isn’t he dreamy?
A failure to recruit more part-time soldiers has led the government to look to other spheres of activity in which on-the-cheap volunteers with a keen survival instinct could help save taxpayers’ money.
“Bizarrely, it turns out volunteers aren’t that keen on dying in aid of next season’s Middle Eastern despot,” said Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, “but there’s a remarkable overlap in the skill sets of pretend soldiers and pretend surgeons which the nation could exploit to good effect; a fondness for uniforms, heavy drinking, casual sex and seeing the insides of another human being spread out and covered in blood.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
A toddler has caused uproar in Harold after walking out of her nursery and walking 1.2 miles home as “it was a bit shit”.
Speaking on her return, the toddler said: “being surrounded by others that can barely string a sentence together, smell of pee and have a constant chocolate stain around their mouths started to become tedious for me and the other kids, especially as these idiots are supposed to be caring for us”
Filed under Education, News
See me after the lesson …
With the end of the summer holidays fast approaching, the traditional ‘Back to School’ range for schoolchildren has been joined in the nation’s shops with a range of clothing for teachers wishing to freshen up their wardrobe for the start of term.
‘The leading stores have done their maths homework and realised that there is a market of 500,000 teachers out there’ said merchandising expert, Danny Foster, ‘so it is no surprise that they have latched on to this market.
Whilst the perennial ‘Geog Teacher’ range, featuring a brown cord jacket and elbow patches, remains a popular classic it has been joined by a number of more exciting, racier items as teachers try to identify with reluctant teenage learners. Continue reading
A picture of a man who gets sexually aroused thinking about Dotheboys Hall.
Michael Gove yesterday released a new national curriculum which will only be applied to state-maintained schools in England leaving academies, free schools and independent schools to teach whatever they like.
“We are very much being placed on education’s naughty step,” said Alison Lee, headteacher of St Mary’s primary school in Harold. “And held hostage to a curriculum that is rushed, chaotic and reactionary.”
“The Secretary of State for Education is constantly calling for state-maintained schools to be tougher, harder and fiercely competitive. I just wish someone would give us the freedom and the finances to make them better.” Continue reading
Oh, well done, Jennifer!
A major shake-up for GCSEs in England has been unveiled, with a move away from coursework and continuous assessment in favour of a bloody life or death struggle where only the fittest and most ruthless will survive.
Pupils will face far more rigorous examination, with those studying English, for example, having to battle each other in a huge arena armed only with broken bottles. Maths, on the other hand, instead of setting types of questions that can be rehearsed, will require developed disembowelling skills and the ability to swallow a still-beating human heart.
Filed under Crime, Education
Amanda will bite your arse!
A leaked Government paper has revealed that Education Secretary, Michael Gove, is planning to shake up the examination system with the introduction of new X Levels, based upon the talent show The X Factor.
“We need to get kids to buy into the examination system,” said a leading Tory strategist, “and we’re willing to take tough decisions by calling Simon Cowell in to make this work. After all, we transformed the High Street by consulting with Mary Portas.” Continue reading
Filed under Education, News
Imagine a whole generation just like these two.
At a press conference yesterday Michael Gove shared with reporters what he called ‘the pinnacle’ of his education reforms by announcing that from September all four-and-a-half million school pupils in Great Britain and Northern Ireland aged between thirteen and eighteen will attend Eton College.
“This government is totally committed to improving social mobility and giving all young people the chance to succeed and achieve their full potential on their own terms. Unfortunately that’s actually really, really difficult so we thought it would be easier to make everybody the same and an Eton education is the key to absolute conformity.” Continue reading
Filed under Education, News
“Bring me the head of Michael Gove!”
Harold district’s local education authority is struggling to cope with the massive influx of former drug dealers seeking the easy route to riches by secretly entering the teaching profession.
Many drug dealers have come to the conclusion that they could do a better job than the disorganised collection of misfits who currently staff the education system, and by getting into the ‘business’ are finding riches and excitement they could previously only dream of. Such are the rewards available, many dealers are prepared to put up with the danger, drop in status and lowly social position that comes with teaching.
Gove indicates how many days holiday a year he wants state school pupils to have
In a speech yesterday Education Secretary, Michael Gove, called for significantly longer school days and much shorter holidays saying that ‘we can’t afford to have an education system that was essentially set in the 19th century’.
In Harold however the pattern of school holidays reflects a much older need based on the calender of the once dominant Viking community who took their children out of school at certain times of the year to provide extra labour for long boat maintenance, pillage, and squirrels respectively. Continue reading