Tag Archives: labour

Alan Sugar suddenly remembers he’s a capitalist

alan sugar

Sir Alan embraces his first love.

Ruthless capitalist and renowned heartless bastard Alan Sugar has just realised he shouldn’t be in the Labour party.

“I don’t really make anything these days, I just rely on my assets to generate money’, said the ex-Labour peer. “Which is why I have so much more in common with the SNP.”

Sugar is best known for surrounding himself with idiots and then firing them one-by-one: a management model much admired by UKIP.

He is one of Britain’s greenest entrepreneurs, with fewer than 5% of his products being switched on by customers, after the first twenty minutes of ownership.
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Filed under Business, Politics

Guy Martin favourite to present Labour Party

guy martin

Guy Martin, and some packets of political promises.

Guy Martin is set to become the next Labour leader, if a bookies in Harold is to be believed.

Pulling ahead of Jodie Kidd and that shouty policeman from Life on Mars, Martin is odds-on favourite in the race to the red flag.

“What’s that chief?”, asked the adrenalin junkie, “leader of the pack? That’s not really my scene, I’m more of a racer than a moderate or a rocker.”
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Filed under Election 2015

For Sale: Dead Weight

Stoned

Stoned

For Sale: Large public relations disaster inscribed with unconvincing and non specific half promises.

Would make the perfect gift for the former shadow chancellor in your life as he prepares for his new job as a landscape gardener, or simply to use as a swimming aid.

One previous owner. Selling due to lack of conviction and revised career plans. £9.00 ovno.

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Filed under Badgers, Election 2015, Election 2015, idiots, Labour, Politics, smallads, Tony Blair, Uncategorized

John Major: ‘Don’t let Labour and SNP tear nation apart: Tories can do it cheaper’

major

‘Trust me. We’ll soon have this torn apart.’

John Major has warned voters that a Labour/SNP coalition would ruin the country at a much higher cost than the Conservatives.

“When it comes to asset stripping and smashing glorious institutions into tiny pieces, the private sector has a lot more experience”, said Sir John.

“While we’re sure that Alex Salmond and Ed Miliband are more than capable of ruining almost anything, you have to ask yourself, ‘at what cost?’
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Sturgeon urges Miliband to choose ‘safeword’

sturgeon

Sturgeon carries Miliband over the line.

Nicola Sturgeon is encouraging Ed Miliband to choose a ‘safeword’, which would let her know when he wants her to stop fucking him.

“We’re having a lot of fun with our power games”, said Sturgeon, “but I sense a bit of reluctance on his part. And that might be because we haven’t set out the boundaries.”

Sturgeon has felt a surge in her ballot box recently, although she worries that it may be at the expense of her partner’s enjoyment. For his part, Miliband still insists that he is capable of coming first.
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Ed Balls is safe and will be released after the Election

Barred from the election campaign

Barred from the election campaign

Following mounting concern amongst Ballsfandom followers at Ed Ball’s absence from the political front line, the Labour Party’s publicity machinery has clanked into life to assure Balls fans that their hero is alive and well and will be seen again soon after the General Election.

“Other than Ed himself, there is nothing sinister about Ed’s disappearance,” said a pro Miliband Labour spokesperson. “He has been told to concentrate on his next budget and to help him with this we’ve provided him with all the things he needs like a safe and secure house, several minders and his usual six square meals a day.” Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2015, News

Did Ed Balls write ‘Ed Balls’ on SNP Wiki page?

Ed Balls

Ed Balls

Labour’s top mathematician has been accused of editing the wikipedia entry for Nicola Sturgeon, after his name was spotted in several places on her page.

The shadow chancellor admitted to perusing her slot, but only to find out if she’d said anything nice about him.

“I was reading her entry, trying to find out if she likes me, when I suddenly found myself in a ‘text altering’ situation”, said Balls.

“Obviously, this was in between some routine searches for my own name in Google, and I think somewhere along the line, that search engine screwed up.”
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Police to probe Miliband stabbing claims

Appropriate use of an NHS blanket?

Appropriate use of an NHS blanket?

The police have launched an investigation following accusations that Ed Miliband was stabbing the British people in the back with the Trident replacement.

In a statement a spokesperson for Westminster police confirmed  the Labour leader was to be questioned later today.

“At this stage we’re not sure how anyone could be stabbed with a nuclear missile, but whenever we receive allegations of wrongdoing, even from the Daily Mail, we are duty bound to investigate to ensure a criminal offence has not been committed.” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Election 2015

UKIP broadcast to be hosted by Sauron

Eye_of_Sauron

Sauron will brood menacingly for 5 minutes without saying a word.

Following Labour’s use of a Hobbit, Nigel Farage has revealed his party will also appeal to Middle England through characters from Middle Earth.

“We’ve got some excellent chaps in UKIP, and amongst the few that can read, we found one who’s actually flicked through a bit of Tolkien”, revealed Farage.

“He tells me it’s a story about how slightly different races aren’t supposed to get on, unless they join together and find a common enemy to pick on.”
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Ed Milliband needs to win at least 67 more seats to get into Downing Street

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Ed Milliband needs to win at least 67 more seats to get into Downing Street

Labour has a fight on its hands to win the General Election, as it needs to gain 67 MPs to get an overall majority.

Ed Miliband will be hoping to win back many of the seats the party lost in 2010, and will also need to take some big scalps to get into Downing Street. Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2015, Labour, Politics

Bilbo Baggins throws his ring in with Labour.

Put a ring on this Cameron.

Put a ring on this Cameron.

Diminutive pot smoking, dragon baiting, hole dwelling dwarf fancier Bilbo Baggins has come out in support of the Labour Party for this year’s general election.

The pint sized adventurer has made a special video outlining why he believes Labour can win on trolling day 7th May 2015.

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Election 2015, Election 2015, Labour, Politics, Tony Blair, Uncategorized

Tories refuse to rule out deal with the Devil

image With Labour seemingly reluctant to rule out doing a deal with the SNP to secure a coalition after the next election, the Conservative party have come under equal pressure to rule out doing a deal with the Devil to stay in power for five more years.

Speaking about his upcoming budget, George Osborne was asked whether doing a deal with the Devil would be a line the Tories were willing to cross.

“Obviously it is our intention to win the the election outright,” Osborne said, “but should the situation arise that the only way we can get across the line is to make a pact with the leader of Hell then so be it.
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Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics

Ed Miliband to fund reduction in tuition fees with sponsored fun run

Miliband in his "idiot" costume

Miliband in his “idiot” costume

Ed Miliband is to set out Labour’s plans to cut university tuition fees, funded by a sponsored fun run around the area of Westminster.

Universities UK has warned that limiting the fees to £6,000 per year, instead of the current £9,000, would leave a £10bn funding gap. Mr Miliband, however, is confident that he can raise this figure by asking people to sponsor him to run 5 miles around the streets of Westminster, while dressed as an idiot with a severely limited grasp of economics.  Continue reading

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Labour promises Ed Miliband an apprenticeship if they win the next election

The moment of realisation

If I can’t see them they can’t see me, right?

“We realise Ed has never run anything more complex than a bath” said a Labour press officer today “so we’re guaranteeing to put him on a day-release scheme to learn the basics. ”

“Assuming UK voters are stupid enough to overlook that he was one our last load of wankers.”

“Like challenging the energy companies when you’re actually in power,  say as an energy minister? Not like last time, when you were err … an energy mister Ed? Like saying ‘Grrr’ to Rupert Murdoch when you’re in Downing Street? Not like the last time, when you had to join a long queue of Labour colleagues to kiss his ring Ed?” asked everyone else.

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Filed under Apprenticeships, Election 2015, Politics

Ratings crash: Miliband may have been unconscious at the wheel

Ed… Ed ……. Is he asleep? ED!!

The leader of a political party which careered out of control in Scotland says he has no memory of the crash, or events which led up to it.

Ed Miliband told the Evening Harold that although he understands Scottish Labour MPs want answers, he’d been unconscious for several years and could not remember anything.

Labour’s former-leader in-waiting says that he had no problems before 2010, apart from letting energy companies get away with murder when he was Energy Secretary. “But after that things are just a blur”.

The party went out of control in Westminster, shortly after his brother lost the leadership election and then crashed right across the UK, before being written off in a slow-motion Scottish catastrophe shortly after September 2014.

In a statement yesterday Mr Miliband said “I want to be able to reach out to the soon-to-be-ex Labour MPs and their families. Does anyone know who they are and where they live?”

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Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics

Labour pay Tony Blair to stay in a cupboard until May

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The fearfully observant will notice the barrels of oil reflected in his eyes. No photoshop was used, we think it happens naturally.

Tony Blair is set for another bumper payday as it has been revealed that the Labour Party is giving him millions to shut up and stay in a cupboard until after the general election.

“It’s a no-brainer,” said Ed Miliband. “We as a party can’t have that face popping up everywhere and reminding voters what a Labour Prime Minister who wins elections actually looks like. Those eyes, that smile – we want people to feel shiny and positive about Labour, not have the shits put up them by Satan’s very own gargoyle.” Continue reading

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Labour woo Scottish voters with renamed ‘Ed McBalls’

ed mcballs

The spirit was right, if not the geography.

Ed Miliband unveiled a more Caledonian tint to his shadow cabinet today, in an attempt to win back Scottish voters.

Ed McBalls, showing signs of recent gingering and speckled with crumbs of shortbread and scotch egg, has been ordered to ‘get up to Edinburgh’ and ‘go on about haggis or something’.

“I had the idea when the previous Balls gave me a christmas card with a tenner inside”, revealed Miliband. “That’s just enough to register a change of name at the deedpoll office.”

Ed McBalls was chosen for scottishisation because he has a lot in common with Alex Salmond. “His head is pale, round and damp-looking, and he doesn’t like eating vegetables”, revealed Miliband.”He seems angry all the time and he smiles when it’s most likely to cause annoyance.”

“And to cap it all, they’re both incredibly bad at maths.”
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Miliband: “Labour’s deficit plan is to tax someone else”

milibandorange

How large is the deficit? Errm … at least this big.

Ed Miliband says that giving you and your business more money, whilst simultaneously taking taxes from someone else, will balance the nation’s books during the lifetime of a parliament.

“The next Labour government’s cuts will be kinder, more user-friendly you might say, than those of a Tory government.” said the Labour leader “And friends, that’s partly possible because we aren’t the Nasty Party. But mostly because of our deficit-reduction silver-bullet pledge. Our  cuts will only affect … someone else! Should it be silver-bullet, wouldn’t cast-iron sound better?”

Harold resident and ‘Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!’ owner  Pippa Delaney was delighted when she heard the news “I hate being taxed. And I love things like Harold’s NHS provision, Harold’s schools and our lovely Harold police, especially PC Flegg.”

“Now that Ed’s promised to ring-fence those important services” a clearly relieved Delaney explained “I’m happy with cuts to other wasteful services used by other people in other places, such as Dunstable. I’m definitely voting Labour now. Miliband is Labour isn’t he?Or is that the other Ed?”

Ms Delaney says she is sure Ed Miliband will wish to speak with her before finalising his election manifesto “I’ve already jotted down all the services I use but I’ve also done some of the other donkey work for him and drawn up a list of other people to tax.”

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Filed under breaking news, Deficit, Economy, Politics

“But I thought everyone hates the working class”: PM fails to understand Labour’s problem.

LITTLE-BRITAIN-007

The working class. This was a documentary, right?

David Cameron has been left “confused and more than a little amused” by Labour’s latest bout of hand-wringing over the working class.

“Why Emily Thornberry was sacked or what the problem with not liking the poor and those who refuse to play by the rules and better themselves is is simply beyond me,” the Prime Minister was heard to say at a private event last night. Continue reading

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Labour to gender-swap Ed Miliband in the hope of gaining voter support

drwho-s8-mg01

We can’t imagine where they got the idea

In response to his continual failure to be in any way believable as a human being, the Labour Party are to gender-swap Ed Miliband. Voting for Miliband to be Prime Minister is currently nestling between being sicked on on the nightbus and taking a long steamy shower with Piers Morgan on the official list of the top one hundred things no one ever wants to do. Continue reading

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