Tag Archives: jeremy hunt

Government worried all NHS staff aren’t yet de-motivated

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‘Even this much self-worth strikes at the very heart of Tory policies’

With a recent survey showing some NHS workers aren’t on anti-depressants, Ministers fear they might still be feeling OK about themselves.

“Staff self-esteem is much the same as C. difficile.” said a swivel-eyed Jeremy Hunt yesterday “Not something you really want to find in a hospital but succeptible to vicious, sustained attack nonetheless.”

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Hinchingbrooke management ‘hadn’t expected lots of sick people’

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“No, really. You’re welcome to it.” [Circle Holdings 2015]

Circle Holdings, the first private firm to manage a NHS hospital, says it’s upset that so many sick people took advantage of a free service “… and thus spoiled it for everyone else”.

The company is so upset that it’s decided to withdraw from Hinchingbrooke hospital but made it clear that it will continue with many other NHS deals. “Some are very profitable,” agreed Circle’s top Money-Wrangler Steve Melton “and in such cases it would clearly be unethical to let the public down.” Continue reading

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Filed under Aggressively Tested, Health, Medicine, News, Politics

Government to execute donkey a day until we exercise: obesity crisis solved

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Go for a walk or Hoofs McGee here gets it

A radical solution to the epidemic of obesity that has seen the UK increasingly resemble a badly dressed Moominland comes into force today. For every day that those declared by their doctors to be both fat and lazy refuse to exercise a government appointed executioner will shoot a donkey. Continue reading

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Filed under Health

Granny’s sliding out with a grin: NHS launch window exit scheme to free up beds

hospitalThe NHS has rolled out a fast-track evacuation service to get patients out of bed and on their way home in a matter of seconds by fitting airplane-style slides to the windows of every hospital.  Continue reading

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Filed under Medicine, News

Nurse magnet is go! NHS hospitals renting noisiest machines to the selfish

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Volume-wise this one goes all the way up to eleven

The NHS has launched a new scheme aimed squarely at the selfish and the sociopathic. Hospital patients can now rent any machine that makes a noise guaranteeing them fast and full attention from nurses. Continue reading

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Filed under Health

“Breathing linked to cancer!” says Daily Mail

 

All these stiffs were breathing before they died.

Look! All theses stiffs were breathing before they died

In a major longitudinal study, first revealed rather breathlessly in the Daily Mail, researchers at Dunstable Royal Infirmary have identified breathing as a key factor linked to cancer and eventual death.

The project’s leader and Harold’s very own GP Dr Clive Evans, explained the breakthrough. “Until recently we’d focussed on dead patients, who generally weren’t breathing at all. But when we started to monitor live patients, an astonishingly high correlation with breathing suddenly emerged.”

‘Forest’, the right-to-enjoy-a-lingering-death-from-tobacco people, Continue reading

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New NHS parking charges introduced because Tories were paying too much

NHSStung by criticism of unfair parking charges at NHS hospitals, the Government has announced a number of discounts which will conveniently mean Tory party members enjoying free parking in future.

Revealing the changes, Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt said, “Top tax payers such as doctors and fellow Tories shouldn’t have to suffer the additional stress of having to pay for exorbitant car parking on top of the hassle of working at a hospital or having to visit relatives, too poor to go private.” Continue reading

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Hunt promises to publish NHS’s entire Catalogue of Errors

The officially approved NHS logo

The officially approved NHS logo

The Health Secretary confirmed that the Government is to publish the dossier which details every blunder currently possible under the National Health Service.

Speaking in Parliament, Jeremy Hunt confirmed that the publication of the so called “Catalogue of Errors” will enable patients to choose which bungle they would prefer in the probable likelihood of an error taking place. Continue reading

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Jeremy Hunt to streamline NHS, by closing down NHS

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After gaining more powers over the NHS in a commons’ vote last night, Jeremy Hunt has outlined plans to make the health service more efficient and streamlined by closing every hospital.

Under coalition plans, closed hospitals can either be purchased by private healthcare providers, knocked down for housing, or turned into Poundlands.

The health secretary was forced to defend the move. “The NHS costs the taxpayers billions of pounds every year,” he argued.

“So the best thing to do with an organisation that is losing money is to get rid of it, unless it’s a bank of course, then you buy it.”

Concerns have been raised about the small matter of the coalition providing healthcare and a corridor for poor people to die in. However Mr Hunt explained there will be options for those that can’t afford private insurance.

“We will take the example from the education sector and let people set up their own ‘free hospitals’,” he said.

“It’s a great system that lies outside of government control, which means they can be set up without any real doctors.

“I can’t think of anything cheaper than getting a mechanic doing surgery. In fact, anyone that can remove a rib without making the patient buzz and his nose light up is qualified enough for me.”

Despite widespread condemnation of the plans, the health secretary has said he feels he has the full backing of the soon-to-be-redundant nurses in the hospitals.

“I was in Lewisham just the other day and I’m sure heard them all shouting my name in support. ‘Hunt, Hunt, you’re a funky Hunt’ they shouted. I think. Oh wait, maybe it was…oh.”

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NHS delay selling personal info until ‘public convinced their opinion is wrong’.

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NHS England has announced it will delay selling your details and medical records to third parties until they have convinced the public it will be ok.

A spokesman for the organisation said: “Because people are now realising that the companies holding the information can’t be 100% guaranteed not to lose it and that in some circumstances it may be possible to identify you, we understand we have to spend more time and money convincing them not to worry.

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Jeremy Hunt focuses on ‘positive side’ of cold weather deaths

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Hunt: ‘swift action required’ to maximise potential of holiday let market

With winter fast approaching, Public Health England has published its Cold Weather Plan for people who have forgotten what a winter is or are too poor to do anything about it.

There are on average 24,000 excess winter deaths, many of which might be worth preventing. It’s a situation which Health Secretary Jeremy ‘Hunt’ described as ‘completely unacceptable’, ‘someone else’s fault’ and ‘a welcome boost to the housing market’.

The Plan aims to alert people to the surprising fact that cold weather in England is, on the whole, not very warm and as in previous years the Met Office will trigger cold weather alerts at five levels:
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Filed under Economy, Nature, News

NHS to save billions by harvesting foreign patients’ organs – Hunt

organ-harvestingAfter earlier announcing that the NHS could save £500 million a year by charging foreign patients, Health Minister Jeremy Hunt said another £2 billion could be freed up if doctors harvested their organs.

“By charging foreigners for health care we will get the shirts off their back, which then provides easier access to their kidneys” clarified Hunt.

“My officials confirm that a number of Eastern European migrants are greedily entering the UK with two kidneys and could easily spare one to pay for routine GP visits and prescriptions. The kidneys could be on sold to China, or swapped for iPhone 5s.”
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Village mishears health secretary and adopts elderly Asians

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Mrs Yamada smiling the smile of someone who’s embraced enough British culture to be on the way to the pub of an afternoon.

Villagers in Harold today realised that they misheard Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt’s edict that families should be like Asians and adopt elderly relatives and are now wondering what to do with all the elderly Asians they’ve opened their homes to.

“I did think it was a weird idea,’ said mum-of-two Carly Jeffery. ‘But then when Mr Rhyming-Slang explained that the elderly Asians were all lonely and marginalised and that, it only seemed right to help out. So I found Shoji on Facebook and offered him our spare room. He’s ninety-three and insists on doing all the cleaning. Bonus. Do I have to send him back now?” Continue reading

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“If I knew what I was doing I’d get a proper job” insists Jeremy Hunt

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Hunt in training to deal with awkward questions

The popular Health Secretary has told NHS pay review bodies that even the capped public sector 1% pay increase is unaffordable.

“Paying these spongers what we’ve already agreed to would cost us much more than we previously estimated, if my abacus is correct” said Jeremy Hunt, the well-known typing error.

“But once we’d fired up the Amstrad PCW8512 and crunched most of the numbers, we knew we’d dropped a right bollock.”
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‘Territorial Surgeons’ to bring the terror back to surgery says Hunt

Double threat: this man is a pretend surgeon and a pretend soldier. But oh, isn't he dreamy?

Double threat: this man is a pretend surgeon and a pretend soldier. But oh, isn’t he dreamy?

A failure to recruit more part-time soldiers has led the government to look to other spheres of activity in which on-the-cheap volunteers with a keen survival instinct could help save taxpayers’ money.

“Bizarrely, it turns out volunteers aren’t that keen on dying in aid of next season’s Middle Eastern despot,” said Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, “but there’s a remarkable overlap in the skill sets of pretend soldiers and pretend surgeons which the nation could exploit to good effect; a fondness for uniforms, heavy drinking, casual sex and seeing the insides of another human being spread out and covered in blood.” Continue reading

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Royal College of Administrators complain members ‘drowning in nursing’

Stethoscope-2 copyThe Royal College of Administrators has come out to today and asked for a review into the amount of nursing its members are currently having to perform.

Off its 1.2 million NHS workers surveyed, 67.4% said they spend up to 22 hours a week giving basic first aid, post-operative care, and working in triage

Most of those surveyed also believe the amount of nursing they are expected to do is increasing and stopping them providing a decent level of administrative support.

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