Tag Archives: jeremy hunt

Jeremy Hunt ‘confident’ new NHS contracts will influence staff morale

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Hunt: “I’ve been listening” Junior Doctors: “The voices in your own head don’t count!”

Jeremy Hunt says his decision to impose a new junior doctors’ contract was primarily intended to make a difference to NHS industrial relations.

“When I took over from Andrew Lansley, some people in the NHS, who really should have known better, told me that staff morale couldn’t get any lower. But since then, I’ve gone that extra mile – Monday to Friday, school term times only – and proved those naysayers wrong.” Continue reading

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You can Google ‘undertakers’ too, Jeremy Hunt tells parents

This much clue

Health Secretary Jeremy “Rash” Hunt, who told parents to have a look on Google to check their children’s meningitis symptoms, has helpfully pointed out that the search engine will also provide links to a wide range of undertakers once his initial advice has been followed.

Admitting that paying for fewer doctors had unexpectedly resulted in fewer doctors to do the diagnosy stuff, Hunt drew on his years of medical experience to say: “look at photographs and say ‘my child’s rash looks like this one’.”

It was pointed out that the same parents would soon be likely to be looking at photographs of dead meningitis victims and saying: “My child’s corpse also looks like this one”, but Hunt was undeterred.

The official NHS Choices website inconveniently states that with skin rashes in children “You should always see a GP for a proper diagnosis”, but this cuts little ice with the great Hunt.

“Should the inevitable unfortunately occur,” he explained, “parents are likely to still have their browser open on Google, so checking for a local undertaker who stocks smaller size coffins should take but a moment.”

A spokesperson for the National Association of Funeral Directors said they were “very grateful, if a little freaked out” by Hunt’s statements.

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Jeremy Hunt walks out on 24 hour strike

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Wiping spittle from his chin he shouted “That way madness lies.”

In an unexpected twist to the Junior Doctors’ dispute, Jeremy Hunt has  balloted himself and after a 100%  vote in favour of industrial action,  promptly walked out on a 24 hour strike.

Standing by a brazier in Whitehall, the Health Secretary remained in the mood characteristic of his approach throughout. “Right, let’s see how they like it; those bastards will come crawling back Continue reading

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TV hypnotist makes Jeremy Hunt push Junior Doctors ‘over the edge’

“Nothing up my sleeves. Nothing between my ears”

TV viewers were shocked yesterday as they watched Jeremy Hunt, acting under the influence of illusionist Derren Brown, pushed a large proportion of Junior Doctors over the edge into strike action.

“It was awful.” said Elsie Duggan, a resident at Over-the-Hill Nursing Home in Harold. “Watching the build up, it was obvious what was going to happen. Hunt looked completely crazed, although to be fair that’s his normal look. Continue reading

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Money raised by NHS Choir charity single “will be spent on redundancy payments”

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“See this? That’s more than the public will benefit.”

Jeremy Hunt is delighted with the success of the Lewisham and Greenwich NHS Choir’s single, but says all the profits must go to the NHS, as the song was performed in NHS uniforms and filmed on NHS premises.

“But vulnerable individuals will still benefit.” assured the Health Secretary “After we take a 55% administration fee, the balance will be spent on staff redundancy payments.”

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Jeremy Cunt tells prudes ‘stop calling me Hunt’

It's 'Cunt' with a 'C' not an 'H'

It’s ‘Cunt’ with a ‘C’ not an ‘H’

Jeremy Cunt, the Secretary of State for Health, says he is sick and tired of immature prudes pretending his last name is ‘Hunt’.

“My last name is ‘Cunt’ and I have always been a ‘Cunt’” said Jeremy Cunt. “To call me ‘Hunt’ is disrespectful to me and it’s disrespectful to my parents Mike and Lyke.”

Mr Cunt said it was the 21st century and just because ‘cunt’ was slang for a vagina and also a strong term of abuse were no reasons for people to shy away from calling him ‘Cunt’.
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“Where’s all the NHS cash gone?” Asks shocked Jeremy Hunt

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Hunt tries to demonstrate how much blame attaches to him, personally

Popular Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt is furious, after learning that his hospitals are £930m in the red in the first three months of the financial year.

“More than the whole of last year! Who the f*ck created this cock-up?” Continue reading

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Jeremy Hunt moved from hospital waiting room after fears his face would upset people from different cultures

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Hunt demonstrates how much he knows about raising staff morale

Tory Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt called the emergency services today, after his foot became jammed in his mouth whilst he explained the rationale behind cutting the pay of junior doctors.

A DoH spokesperson said “The Minister would have preferred to be treated properly, under his BUPA plan. Unfortunately, the ambulance driver became deaf en route and by mistake Continue reading

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Jeremy Hunt yet to decide on which 7 days the NHS will be open in 2016

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This is how much I value doctors

Doctors’ trade union, the BMA is confused by Jeremy Hunt’s call for a 7 day service “We expected Mr Hunt to take much longer to reduce the scope of the NHS” said BMA chair Dr Mark Porter today “but we’re hoping the 7 days are in the winter, excluding Christmas & New Year”.

Hunt is generally pleased with the number of doctors baling out of the NHS or retiring early but thinks there is more he can do. Continue reading

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Tories tackle cheap booze with exclusive A&E cocktail bars

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“Ice and slice? Or would you prefer a proper anaesthetic?”

Health minister Jeremy Hunt has pledged to tackle ‘cheap booze’, by opening high-end cocktail bars in NHS waiting rooms.

“Cheap alcohol is the bane of our accident and emergency services”, said Hunt. “So we’re going to try and upsell patients to the decent stuff.”

With waiting rooms seen as something of a captive audience, Hunt believes a choice of craft lagers and artisan gins could see hospitals finally turn a profit.

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Government worried all NHS staff aren’t yet de-motivated

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‘Even this much self-worth strikes at the very heart of Tory policies’

With a recent survey showing some NHS workers aren’t on anti-depressants, Ministers fear they might still be feeling OK about themselves.

“Staff self-esteem is much the same as C. difficile.” said a swivel-eyed Jeremy Hunt yesterday “Not something you really want to find in a hospital but succeptible to vicious, sustained attack nonetheless.”

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Hinchingbrooke management ‘hadn’t expected lots of sick people’

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“No, really. You’re welcome to it.” [Circle Holdings 2015]

Circle Holdings, the first private firm to manage a NHS hospital, says it’s upset that so many sick people took advantage of a free service “… and thus spoiled it for everyone else”.

The company is so upset that it’s decided to withdraw from Hinchingbrooke hospital but made it clear that it will continue with many other NHS deals. “Some are very profitable,” agreed Circle’s top Money-Wrangler Steve Melton “and in such cases it would clearly be unethical to let the public down.” Continue reading

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Government to execute donkey a day until we exercise: obesity crisis solved

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Go for a walk or Hoofs McGee here gets it

A radical solution to the epidemic of obesity that has seen the UK increasingly resemble a badly dressed Moominland comes into force today. For every day that those declared by their doctors to be both fat and lazy refuse to exercise a government appointed executioner will shoot a donkey. Continue reading

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Granny’s sliding out with a grin: NHS launch window exit scheme to free up beds

hospitalThe NHS has rolled out a fast-track evacuation service to get patients out of bed and on their way home in a matter of seconds by fitting airplane-style slides to the windows of every hospital.  Continue reading

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Nurse magnet is go! NHS hospitals renting noisiest machines to the selfish

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Volume-wise this one goes all the way up to eleven

The NHS has launched a new scheme aimed squarely at the selfish and the sociopathic. Hospital patients can now rent any machine that makes a noise guaranteeing them fast and full attention from nurses. Continue reading

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“Breathing linked to cancer!” says Daily Mail

 

All these stiffs were breathing before they died.

Look! All theses stiffs were breathing before they died

In a major longitudinal study, first revealed rather breathlessly in the Daily Mail, researchers at Dunstable Royal Infirmary have identified breathing as a key factor linked to cancer and eventual death.

The project’s leader and Harold’s very own GP Dr Clive Evans, explained the breakthrough. “Until recently we’d focussed on dead patients, who generally weren’t breathing at all. But when we started to monitor live patients, an astonishingly high correlation with breathing suddenly emerged.”

‘Forest’, the right-to-enjoy-a-lingering-death-from-tobacco people, Continue reading

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New NHS parking charges introduced because Tories were paying too much

NHSStung by criticism of unfair parking charges at NHS hospitals, the Government has announced a number of discounts which will conveniently mean Tory party members enjoying free parking in future.

Revealing the changes, Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt said, “Top tax payers such as doctors and fellow Tories shouldn’t have to suffer the additional stress of having to pay for exorbitant car parking on top of the hassle of working at a hospital or having to visit relatives, too poor to go private.” Continue reading

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Hunt promises to publish NHS’s entire Catalogue of Errors

The officially approved NHS logo

The officially approved NHS logo

The Health Secretary confirmed that the Government is to publish the dossier which details every blunder currently possible under the National Health Service.

Speaking in Parliament, Jeremy Hunt confirmed that the publication of the so called “Catalogue of Errors” will enable patients to choose which bungle they would prefer in the probable likelihood of an error taking place. Continue reading

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Jeremy Hunt to streamline NHS, by closing down NHS

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After gaining more powers over the NHS in a commons’ vote last night, Jeremy Hunt has outlined plans to make the health service more efficient and streamlined by closing every hospital.

Under coalition plans, closed hospitals can either be purchased by private healthcare providers, knocked down for housing, or turned into Poundlands.

The health secretary was forced to defend the move. “The NHS costs the taxpayers billions of pounds every year,” he argued.

“So the best thing to do with an organisation that is losing money is to get rid of it, unless it’s a bank of course, then you buy it.”

Concerns have been raised about the small matter of the coalition providing healthcare and a corridor for poor people to die in. However Mr Hunt explained there will be options for those that can’t afford private insurance.

“We will take the example from the education sector and let people set up their own ‘free hospitals’,” he said.

“It’s a great system that lies outside of government control, which means they can be set up without any real doctors.

“I can’t think of anything cheaper than getting a mechanic doing surgery. In fact, anyone that can remove a rib without making the patient buzz and his nose light up is qualified enough for me.”

Despite widespread condemnation of the plans, the health secretary has said he feels he has the full backing of the soon-to-be-redundant nurses in the hospitals.

“I was in Lewisham just the other day and I’m sure heard them all shouting my name in support. ‘Hunt, Hunt, you’re a funky Hunt’ they shouted. I think. Oh wait, maybe it was…oh.”

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NHS delay selling personal info until ‘public convinced their opinion is wrong’.

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NHS England has announced it will delay selling your details and medical records to third parties until they have convinced the public it will be ok.

A spokesman for the organisation said: “Because people are now realising that the companies holding the information can’t be 100% guaranteed not to lose it and that in some circumstances it may be possible to identify you, we understand we have to spend more time and money convincing them not to worry.

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