Tag Archives: idiots

Idiots still believe social media posts count as much as voting

“Yay, I done a ‘mocracy. Go me. See you in five years.”

Asses, fools and prating coxcombs across the UK continue to insist that posting memes is as important as voting.

“It absolutely is,” insisted part-time shelf stacker and full time social justice warrior Kat McAllister. “I’ve been posting up to twenty anti-Tory memes a day for the last three days such is my commitment to getting them out and securing a better future for us all. Will I actually go to the polling station? Nah, I haven’t got time.” Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2017

Women marchers should protest in Saudi Arabia where they’re treated even more badly, say idiots

Why protest Trump while there are evil badgers?

The million or so women who took to the streets to protest against Donald Trump should have marched in Saudi Arabia instead because things are even worse there, according to idiots on Facebook.

The protests have arisen from a widespread repugnance at Trump’s racism, aggression and abuse of women, but that doesn’t count because in some other countries they have stoning, idiots argue.

“I think they’ve got a nerve,” announced Steve Goughlin of somewhere in Ohio probably. “Don’t they know that women get badly treated somewhere else? Why aren’t they there? Pussies.”

When it was pointed out to idiots that this meant no-one could ever protest against anything unless they were in the worst situation in the world, idiots disagreed.

“Not just this world!” clarified Goughlin. “Why, according to the many-universes multiverse hypothesis, there’s a planet in some random dimension where all the women are eaten alive by badgers EVERY DAY!”

“And when you ask why these women aren’t protesting there, they just don’t have an answer.”

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Filed under Badgers, US Elections

Idiots arguing over plastic bag tax to be charged 5p

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Even a sea cucumber could understand. Now be quiet, you’re holding up the queue

 

Selfish morons who waste everyone’s time at supermarket checkouts arguing the toss over the plastic bag tax will be charged an extra five pence from today.

“Anyone claiming that they don’t understand must pay,” said Woodrow Gunther, owner of Harold supermarket Guntco’s. “By using a shop a customer is clearly demonstrating that they are familiar with the concept of paying for things so getting the arse over plastic bags will result in them having to pay the stupidity tax as well.” Continue reading

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Filed under News

Crucified rabbit ‘was administrative error’

cross bunny

The magic rabbit may have laid its last egg.

Harold’s vicar, Rev Tansey Forster, has distanced herself from an event that saw a large-ish rabbit nailed to a cross on the village green.

Although she admitted telling children that the ‘Easter bunny’ wasn’t real and that the focus of the holiday should be more on capital punishment, she denies giving explicit orders to crucify a fat rabbit.

“It’s no secret that the bunny and I didn’t really see eye-to-eye”, admitted Forster. “And that’s not just because I’m diabetic.”
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Filed under Around Harold

Race campaign tea shop raided by hate police

grubby cup

Campaign ‘left bad taste in the mouth’

A tea shop in Harold has been vilified on Twitter, after a racial equality promotion descended into farce.

Mick Clarkson, owner of the ‘Brew-ha-ha Tearoom’, claims he was trying to create a utopia when he gave his staff some permanent markers.

Unfortunately, police were called and two Moldavian workers arrested, after racist slogans were spotted on customer’s cups.

“We are not racist, we like at least one person from other side of village”, claimed Nikolai Spitz. “And we do not hate everyone else as has been suggested.”

The row erupted after Ron Ronsson was served a latté with the phrase ‘Some Kosabians wipe properly’ written roughly where his lips would have been.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business

“Save The Children” severs links with “Bomb The Children”

Drop the Blair

Tony Blair helping some children, yesterday.

A children’s charity that presented Tony Blair with a Legacy Award has blamed the mistake on associations with a group advocating childhood bombing.

“Save The Children” is traditionally linked with preserving and improving the lives of children, a move clearly at odds with the achievements of the former Prime Minister.

“Sadly, we have somehow become entangled with the organisation “Bomb The Children”, admitted spokesman Eric Blunkett. “A charity that works tirelessly to drop heavy ordnance on towns and villages where young people live.”

“We’re not sure how this mistake happened, but on reflection we’ve agreed that bombing children is a mistake. Our latest research suggests it’s almost entirely detrimental.”
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Filed under Children, Politics, War

iPhone 6 introduces convenient way to pay for iPhone 7

iphone

iPhone 6 will feature pre-shattered screen, so owners can boast of being first to break one.

Apple has announced that the new iPhone 6 will make electronic purchases easier, so owners can splash out on must-have gadgets such as the forthcoming iPhone 7.

“When we were designing the iPhone 6, we asked ourselves ‘what do our customers really want?'” revealed CEO Tim Cook. “We quickly realised that what they desire most in the world is the future iPhone 7.”

The newish iPhone 6, available in lamb and bacon flavours, is compatible with most of the tills in Apple’s stores. Pundits predict that should help boost sales when the iPhone 7 is released in October.
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Filed under Business, Technology

SOLVED: The Mystery of Harold’s Deadly Aquarium

fish-silhouettePC Flegg has revealed that her investigations into Harold’s deadly aquarium have found the reason why so few fish survived in the new exhibit. Working with local fish expert Stephen Trawlerman and some tip-offs from Facebook, the culprit can finally be revealed.

“Asking Trawlerman to help proved to be a mistake”, said Flegg. “His  experience with fish proved to be of little help.” Trawlerman is well known as the owner of local chip shop ‘The Stephen Fryer’, but Flegg admits resident marine biologist Simon Parsons might have been a better advisor.

After extensive laboratory tests and thorough phorensic investigations, the breakthrough came from Lynda Mulrooney. Thanks to her ‘back-to-basics’ approach, the reason for the fish deaths was a complete absence of water.

“We’ve filled the tanks with sparkling Evian now, nothing is too good for a fish living in Harold”, said Flegg.

“Although in hindsight, looking after exotic animals might be beyond that idot Trawlerman. We’re currently trying to undrown his pet iguana.”

Congratulations, Lynda Mulrooney! You are Harold’s No.1 Top Detective! A binful of rotting fish is winging its way to you, so you might want to pretend to be out.

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Filed under Around Harold, Crime