Tag Archives: football

Wet weather ‘linked to vaping’ claims local man

vaper

Way cooler than smoke rings.

The current spate of early morning mists, turning foggy later, followed by torrential downpours across much of Britain is directly proportional to the recent upsurge in the number of people vaping.  That was the stark warning today from Harold’s newest resident, ‘observational climatologist’ Mike Anderson.

Mike spends his day ‘hanging round and commenting on the weather’.  He is the author of ‘British Weather, An Introduction’ and his latest research centres round a noticeable increase in the number of people vaping, measured against general wetness.  ‘It is just a theory at this stage,’ he said, ‘but so was Higgs boson.’
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Footballer praised for muted wedding night celebrations

honeymoon-bed

You could give us from now until the end of time and we’d still never be able to fold towels into swans.

Friends and family of a Famous Footballer’s last wife have expressed their gratitude and appreciation for his understated first honeymoon orgasm with his latest spouse.

“Big respect to the lad” said Carol Biggs’ father Darren, the former father-in-law of the Footballer. “I mean obviously he’d set up the live video stream and that, from the bridal suite upstairs. To be honest, down in the hotel bar, where he’d laid on a nice finger buffet, all of us watching the screens were a wee bit anxious as the big moment arrived.” Continue reading

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FIFA awards the 2026 World Cup Finals to Antarctica

Managers will have to dig their own dug outs

Managers will have to dig their own dug outs

Stung by accusations of incompetence following the decision to play the 2022 World Cup Finals in the desert heat of Qatar, FIFA have responded by awarding the 2026 Finals to Antarctica.

“We’ve learnt our lessons from the Qatar debacle”, insisted Sepp Blatter, “so to avoid the higher temperatures of the summer months, the Antarctican matches will be played in the winter.” Continue reading

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Spain’s state-funded Gareth Bale ‘drafted’ to patrol Gibraltar border

gibbed

No man is an island. And neither is Gibraltar (check this)

Top-dollar footballer Gareth Bale has been pressed into service by his Spanish owners – but unusually, he’s now playing in defence!

With Real Madrid relying so heavily on state aid from the Spanish government, it was inevitable Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy would want a slice of the action for his record £85 million deal.

And with no game more important than the political football that is Gibraltar, it was only a matter of time before Bale was working 18 hours a week guarding the border.

Looking spick and Spanish in his fetching new uniform, it’s the first time in a while he hasn’t had his name written on the back of his shirt.

The ‘Welsh Wizard’ has thrown himself into the task with typical zeal, even attempting to read the odd passport from the queue of adoring fans. But the ruse has worked even better than Rajoy could possibly have imagined, after Bale dived when a five-year old called him ‘a meany’.

That led to a stand-off and a rain of coins from the Gibraltans: confused Spanish officials first assumed they were trying to buy him back.

But with the chaos causing a tailback of some 5 and a half hours, Bale struggled to his feet and made his trademark ‘heart’ symbol.

While the player might be able to blame his actions on contractual obligations, his family back home aren’t too happy about his borderline behaviour.

They’ve been queuing for two days now following a shopping trip to Bristol. In a tit-for-tit response to the Spanish Bale-outrage, Cameron has strapped Fernando Torres into the only functioning toll booth on the westbound Severn Bridge.

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Mystery second Bale bid was from Harold Thursday

Probably not worth a full pack of Quavers

Probably not worth a full pack of Quavers

It has emerged that the unnamed bidders hoping to rival Real Madrid for Gareth Bale’s signature were Nice ‘n’ Spicy Nik Naks Southern League Division Two club, Harold Thursday, who made an offer of £6.38 plus half a pack of Quavers.

The identity of the second club who have made a bid for Bale has not been officially announced by Tottenham but Manchester United have been linked with the player this summer. Speculation that the bid is from United would appear to be wide of the mark, however, with Harold Thursday confirming that it was their bid that Spurs are considering.
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Launch of Politically Correct Football Song: ‘We love Nottingham Forest …’

Left Back in the past

Left Back in the past

Following discussions with human rights campaigner Peter Tachell, the Police have decreed that all chants and songs will be monitored to ensure that they are appropriate and politically balanced at all times.

Failure to adhere to the new rules could result in a ban and fans will be unable to travel to Brazil to support England in the World Cup. Not that they will be allowed to only support England as that would be biased which is strictly prohibited.

As the traditional “We hate Nottingham Forest” song is now outlawed, the Evening Harold has provided the following a new song for fans everywhere: Continue reading

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Football haters have strong start to the season: all clichés make successful appearances

Warning: this is what happens to your face if you can't talk about football without using the phrase 'bread and circuses'.

Warning: this is what happens to your face  permanently if you can’t talk about football without using the phrase ‘bread and circuses’.

Football haters got their season off to a strong start this weekend with all the main clichés being given a successful airing.

“I had done some pre-season training,” said local absolutely-not-a-football-fan Alex Gates. “Over the last few weeks if anyone’s mentioned football within earshot I’ve immediately inserted myself into the conversation and said ‘what it’s starting again already? But it’s only just finished’ accompanying that with a wry chuckle as if gently amused by the stupidity of everyone who isn’t me. This weekend I saw the benefits and was able to pull off the comment ‘it’s just a load of blokes kicking a ball around’ in a packed bar with the wry chuckle and a sneer of disdain. So I’m pleased with my performance so far.” Continue reading

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Afghan war ‘may go to penalties’ says MoD

jumpers

Orphans in jumpers for goalposts.

With the Afghanistan war shuffling slowly towards extra time, Defence Secretary Philip Hammond thinks it could end in every UK soldier’s worst nightmare – sudden death penalties.

“Having been there longer than World Wars I and II, Suez & the Falklands combined, the lads would’ve liked to bring home the silverware”, said Hammond. “Perhaps a victorious march up The Mall in autumn sunshine with cheering crowds and a Spitfire flypast. Realistically, we’ll probably have to slip in to Portsmouth as runners-up. After midnight. In late November.”

Nevertheless, Hammond, formerly global sales ambassador for Mogadon, rejected rumours of despondency amongst the troops. “True, our guys get a little twitchy when an Afghan Policeman has a pop with a semi-automatic and scores another own goal. There’s usually no real malice though. So we just shake hands. Then send a cruise missile to his family’s next wedding ‘by mistake’! It’s just a bit of banter between professionals really.”
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Harold Thursday pull out of sponsorship deal with drug dealer

Different type of white lines?

Different type of white lines?

Harold Thursday have announced that they have abandoned plans to be sponsored by a local drug dealer after fans protested against the move.

Big Dave was due to appear as the club’s shirt sponsor next season, but the deal has now been cancelled after a backlash from fans who felt that promoting class A drugs on match days could be seen as being a little irresponsible.

Whilst we anticipated some negative responses from the initial agreement to promote illegal drugs for cash, we decided to ignore them when Dave offered us a quite substantial amount of money and looked at us menacingly.” said a statement from the club.

The initial move would have seen Big Dave’s name and phone number appear on the team’s home shirt and price lists for his various goods plastered around the ground. But since it was announced last week a “furious response” from fans has seen as many as six angry letters sent to the chairman, although it later emerged that one of them was a death threat intended for Piers Morgan and accidentally mailed to the wrong address.
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Venky’s set to buy, ruin Harold Thursday FC

He might get a game. On the wing.

He might get a game. On the wing.

Indian poultry firm Venky’s, the owners of Blackburn Rovers, have announced plans to buy and subsequently ruin local football team Harold Thursday.

With their mission to destroy Blackburn looking more successful by the day, the company have turned their sights to a new challenge and feel that the chance to take a team already playing in the 17th tier of English football, and attempt to make them even worse, presents the kind of opportunity that was too good to refuse. Continue reading

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“Rio ferdinand’s England retirement a ‘victory’ for the BNP” claims Griffin

Although a blatent racist, Griffin claims to see both sides of the argument

Although a blatant racist, Griffin claims to see both sides of the argument

Nick Griffin, leader of the British National Party, has said the news that Rio Ferdinand has retired from playing for England a victory for racists everywhere.

Ferdinand’s announcement comes after John Terry was picked for the last European championship ahead of him despite being due in court for racially abusing his brother, Anton. Although the court cleared Terry of the charges, the FA found him guilty and banned him accordingly.

“Rio’s decision is the right one, and shows the growing support for fascism in the footballing community” Griffin told reporters.

“I think we need to thank John Terry, the England fans accused of racially abusing him at a recent game and Paolo Di Canio for raising the profile of right-wing nut jobs in the game.”
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Football chairman rules out bid for Gareth Bale

Won't muddy his boots for HTFC

Won’t muddy his boots for HTFC

The chairman of struggling Harold Thursday football club has conceded that there was probably not ‘quite enough cash’ in the kitty to buy the £80m rated player, despite the fact that  the purchase of Tottenham Hotspur superstar Gareth Bale would ‘do wonders’ for the club’s prospects in the Crumble’s Biscuit League.

“Although we are a small football club which makes only a modest profit, we are technically better off than a club like Chelsea which loses zillions every year,’ pointed out club supremo Billy McKean. Continue reading

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Game called off after player biting incident – Weekly round up

Harold’s Weekly News Round Up
There was controversy yesterday after a care assistant reported Elsie Duggan, the only resident of The Over-The-Hill Nursing Home, for biting her during a game of gin rummy. After the game, Manager Marjorie Houndstooth played down the incident, saying she had been unsighted when the alleged offence took place. She said that Elsie, 86, has been told to “pack it in” but pointed out that Elsie only put in her teeth for “big occasions”.
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Weekly News Round Up: Football Club introduces video technology in changing rooms

cam

Harold Thursday Football Club has confirmed that a pilot scheme using the latest video technology had gone well and could go ahead on a permanent basis. When asked if this would mean the end of goal line disputes, club chairman Billy McKean said “Hell no, we’ve installed it in the Ladies changing rooms. It’s been quite an eye opener, I can tell you.”

Congratulations to Elsie Duggan, the only resident of The Over-The-Hill Nursing Home, who has won their longest beard competition. Elsie, 86, who has not shaved since she was 28, regards winning the competition as the fulfilment of a lifetime’s work. She is now aiming for the coveted double by winning the prize for the biggest bunion when it comes up for grabs. Continue reading

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Football club to hold minute’s silence in memory of the Ironing Lady

silenceIt has been confirmed that a minutes silence will be observed before Harold Thursday’s game on Saturday as a mark of respect following the passing of Teresa Macster, the first female Mayor of Harold, known locally as the Ironing Lady on account of the fact that she ran a laundry business in the village.

‘Mrs Macster never really understood sport,’ said club chairman Billy McKean, ‘but this club owes her a great debt as she chose to sell off the cricket ground, rather than the football field, which guaranteed our pathetic survival to this day.’ Read more here…

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Moyes makes first mistake as Man U manager after communication error with agent

The danger of auto-correct on a text message

The most awkward managerial unveiling since Rafa went to Chelsea 

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by | February 1, 2013 · 12:00 am