Tag Archives: Donald Trump

Trump smooths things over with China by snapchatting them a dick pic

trump-phoneDonald Trump says he’s completely smoothed things over with China by sending them a snapchat of his dick to show how much more they mean to him than Taiwan.

“I think the pic worked” beamed the President-erect.

“The Chinese have stopped complaining about me taking a call from the President of Taiwan, I mean President ON Taiwan. And they say I don’t know how to be diplomatic? Sad!”

Despite Trump’s optimism, foreign policy experts remain on tenterhooks.

“If China so much as hints at ‘small hands’, it’s World War 3”, warned one expert.

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Filed under US Elections

Narcissistic racist to apologise to US on “behalf of Britain” for its mockery of narcissistic racist

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Anyone else having trouble with the fact none of this is photoshop?

Cathedral roof gargoyle come to boorish life, Nigel Farage, has announced that he is going to the US to “meet all sorts of people and I shall say to them…please forgive some of the things that were said about your President during the election campaign because I’m just that important. Did you see those buses and that poster? That was me. I am shit-hot, ladies.” Continue reading

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Filed under International News

Time for humans to stop lecturing us about jumping off cliffs, say lemmings

"Jump off a cliff? We look twice before dismounting a stone."

“Jump off a cliff? We look twice before dismounting a stone.”

After the election of Donald Trump and Brexit, the lemming community says it’s rich of humans to lecture THEM about jumping off cliffs.

Lemming spokesman Nigel said while he and his fellow rodents were only endowed with very small brains, they gave up cliff jumping decades ago.
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“Thank f*ck that’s over.” says a weary UK “Can we go back to Syria and refugees now?”

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Aggghhhhhh. Enough already. SHUT UP!

Wearied by the spewings of a malevolent, sulky troll over the past month, the UK has rediscovered its interest in Syria and migrants drowning in the Mediterranean.

“I got emotionally dulled by pictures of children covered in blood and dust.” says Harold’s Carly Jeffery “So in October, the prospect of a 24×7 reality show about an orange sociopath with anger issues Continue reading

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Filed under News, US Elections

Statue of Liberty spotted buying ticket to Paris “just in case”

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She’s been doing that grumpy face ever since she realised what a mistake being in Ghostbusters II was

The Mother of Exiles from whose beacon-hand glows worldwide welcome has been spotted in a Manhattan travel agents buying a one-way ticket to Paris for November 9th.

“It’s just in case,” said the Statue of Liberty. “Just in case Trump wins the keys to the White House. I’d rather go home than stay here as a landmark in a country ruled by an orange malignancy who couldn’t be more of an enemy of democracy if he beat it to death in an alley then broke into its house and shat on its cat.” Continue reading

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Trump to import Brute Squad from Florin to “observe” polling stations

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Anybody want a peanut?

Donald Trump has today announced that in order to “protect this great democracy from Crooked Hillary” he is flying the Florinese Brute Squad to the US at his own expense.

“This will make America great again!” Trump thundered. “King Humperdink is a swell guy, we’re very close unless he turns out to be a huge threat to global security and then I’ve never met him. He’s got this amazing Brute Squad in Florin City that go into the Thieves Quarter and prove that the long arm of the law usually has a rock at the end of it. I love these guys!” Continue reading

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Filed under International News

Trump won’t commit to accept gravity

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Trump is on the lookout for floating voters

During the third televised presidential debate, the United States’ most popular orange wig-stand, Donald Trump, has refused to commit to accept gravity.

“I have a tremendous plan to make America float again.” said Trump last night. “Crooked Hillary’s ‘universal laws’ have held this country down for far too long. Believe me, it’s gonna be so great….”

When pressed by the moderator to confirm his acceptance of gravity, Trump declined Continue reading

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Filed under News, US Elections

Trump denies running for president, blames media

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“O, thou scabrous reptile, thou cream-faced loon, thou pussy toad…” Joe Queenan

Proof that money can’t buy happiness or a decent wig, Donald Trump, has taken to Twitter to deny that he’s running for President of the USA. Continue reading

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Filed under International News

Octopuses ‘up in arms’ at Trump groping comparison

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Gerald, in a blue period, due to the comparisons

Male octopuses say they are very respectful to females, and being linked to Donald Trump’s groping is very unfair.

Gerald the octopus says he and his friends always ask first before touching females of the species, and even then its the most gentle of caresses, not a grope.
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Trump regrets ‘Make America Grope Again’ slogan

make america grope againIn a rare apology, Donald Trump has admitted that his notorious ‘Make America Grope Again’ slogan might be a bad idea.

Following the release of a tape showing Trump confessing to grabbing unwilling women’s genitalia, the Republican presidential candidate has realised that he may be on the verge of losing the crucial ‘anti sexual assault’ vote.

Trump’s apology was comprehensive, covering his entire adult life, and yet still managed to suggest that Hillary Clinton might be largely to blame.

He explained his position to an array of journalists nervously covering their private parts with their hands in the manner of English football players in a ‘wall’ defending a direct free kick.

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“Have you tried writing lies on buses?” Farage campaigns for Trump

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O, thou scabrous reptile, thou cream-faced loon, thou pussy toad

2016 tightens its grip on the title of Most Batshit  Year There’s Been with the news that mendacious bigot, Nigel Farage, appeared at a rally with mendacious bigot, Donald Trump. Leaving many to wonder what they could possibly have in common.  Continue reading

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Fears grow for Trump as he admits he’s running out of crazy

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Sophistication on toast: the real Donald Trump relaxing at home

Thoughtful scholar and gentle soul, Donald Trump, has admitted that he’s running out of abominable shite to spout.

“It’s getting harder and harder to come up with the goods,” he confessed. “I go home at night, take off the vivid orange make-up, remove the…let’s just call it a wig, shall we? We’re all better off not knowing the fine details…and try to relax with a slim volume of metaphysical poetry and a nice dry Grüner Veltliners but it’s impossible as I find myself worrying about where tomorrow’s crazy will come from.” Continue reading

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Scientists close to explaining Donald Trump

Do not adjust your TV set.

Do not adjust your TV set.

“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it.  Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole.  Metaphorically speaking.”

Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.

“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President.  The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”

“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment, idiots, Intergalactic News, Politics, science, Space, TV, USA

Stupid and wrong person refuses to apologise for calling stupid and wrong person ‘stupid and wrong’

Camerump pool their intellectual resources to no avail

Camerump pool their intellectual resources to no avail

David Cameron, the well known intellectual giant and friend of the oppressed, has refused to apologise for calling Donald Trump ‘stupid and wrong’.

Cameron, who thinks the way to fix a financial system plundered by the elites is to take more money off disabled people, said Trump needed to be sent a message that it was wrong to brag about picking on certain groups and to divide society.
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If y’all thought George W. sucked, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet: US scares world with now very real prospect of President Trump

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Hail to the Chiefs?

The United States now has fear as its biggest export as it has given everyone else the both the heebies and the jeebies by voting Donald Trump a clear run to the presidency.

“A lot of people thought we couldn’t vote in anyone more alarming than George W. Bush,” said Corey Lewandowski, the manager of Trump’s presidential campaign. “We gave the free world eight years of its self-proclaimed leader being a half psycho-Christian/half marmoset who just plain ol’ loved giving the order for shit to be blown up. That was scary. Now, with The Donald, we bring you terrifying.” Continue reading

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Cruz And Kasich invite Trump to wedding at Walder Frey’s castle

What could go wrong?

Ted Cruz and John Kasich have announced that they wish to cease hostilities with Donald Trump immediately, and as a token of goodwill have invited him to a wedding at the castle of Walder Frey.

This gesture is especially symbolic as Frey is known to be entirely neutral, above board and not at all given to evil murderous plots.

“We’re very excited about Trump coming here to celebrate with us,” announced Cruz this morning. “We hope to see him very soon – all his supporters can come and get extremely drunk safe in the knowledge that nothing bad will happen.”

“I’ll be wearing my best chain mail suit to mark the occasion.”

Trump seems to be intent on ignoring advice that attending the wedding might be a risky move, saying: “Hey, I know politics is a pretty cut-throat business, but I’m sure I can keep my head.”

“Now, that wall they’ve got up in the north – that gives me an idea…”

 

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“April fool!” says Trump, withdrawing from election race

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“April Fools!” After keeping shtum for months, Donald can finally let his hair down and relax

Red-necked US citizens were left red-faced this morning after the sudden withdrawal of Donald Trump from the election race.

Dubbed the longest running build-up to an April Fool bombshell, the news left millions dumbstruck. Eventually, small pockets of people in isolated communities began to recover their composure.

“Hey, he didn’t fool us for one minute,” they said. “We was jes’ playin’ along n’all. We sure ain’t no bigoted racists, no sir, we was jes’ pretendin’.”

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Filed under International News, News, Politics

Yeah, that’s what I meant” insists Trump

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I’m on THIS side, I couldn’t be clearer

“That’s exactly what Donald Trump meant, that thing you just said. He agrees with you.” explained a Trump spokesman today, following controversial remarks the presidential hopeful made yesterday.

Meanwhile, Mr Trump was already addressing a fresh crowd of morons “I’m on your side, but nobody else is saying it! I’ve always been saying it. Maybe they’re too scared to say it. I’m not scared of that Washington crowd. I’ll say it as much as I like, because you know what? It’s the truth”.

“Whose side am I on?” he asked, cupping his ears to the crowd “Yeah, you bet, YOUR side.”I’m on your side all the way Continue reading

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Trump criticised for abrupt termination of abortion policy

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At last, protection

Donald Trump has been heavily criticised by hard-line Republicans for performing an early termination of his abortion policy today.

Trump’s latest indiscretion, in which he proposed that women having abortions should be punished, came out of the blue and was seen by many close friends and family as deeply embarrassing.

The policy, which was unplanned, is believed to have been the result of a one-night drop in the polls which Trump would rather put behind him.

“It’s my policy and I should be allowed to do what I want with it,” he insisted. “I won’t have a bunch of journalists who aren’t even politicians telling me what to do with my decision-making apparatus.”

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Hijacker photo man in ‘reckless’ Trump campaign team selfie

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Could explode at any moment

The man who posed for a picture with a hijacker has been criticised for his latest dangerous stunt – getting a selfie only metres away from Donald Trump’s campaign team.

The original image of Ben Innes grinning next to his captor on the Egyptair flight went viral on social media, leading Innes to seek “even more risky challenges”, he told journalists.

Innes reportedly travelled to Wisconsin, where the Republican candidates are campaigning ahead of next Tuesday’s primary, and took advantage of a lull in the vitriol to leap in front of Donald Trump’s team and take a selfie.

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