In a rare apology, Donald Trump has admitted that his notorious ‘Make America Grope Again’ slogan might be a bad idea.
Following the release of a tape showing Trump confessing to grabbing unwilling women’s genitalia, the Republican presidential candidate has realised that he may be on the verge of losing the crucial ‘anti sexual assault’ vote.
Trump’s apology was comprehensive, covering his entire adult life, and yet still managed to suggest that Hillary Clinton might be largely to blame.
He explained his position to an array of journalists nervously covering their private parts with their hands in the manner of English football players in a ‘wall’ defending a direct free kick.
O, thou scabrous reptile, thou cream-faced loon, thou pussy toad
2016 tightens its grip on the title of Most Batshit Year There’s Been with the news that mendacious bigot, Nigel Farage, appeared at a rally with mendacious bigot, Donald Trump. Leaving many to wonder what they could possibly have in common. Continue reading
Sophistication on toast: the real Donald Trump relaxing at home
Thoughtful scholar and gentle soul, Donald Trump, has admitted that he’s running out of abominable shite to spout.
“It’s getting harder and harder to come up with the goods,” he confessed. “I go home at night, take off the vivid orange make-up, remove the…let’s just call it a wig, shall we? We’re all better off not knowing the fine details…and try to relax with a slim volume of metaphysical poetry and a nice dry Grüner Veltliners but it’s impossible as I find myself worrying about where tomorrow’s crazy will come from.” Continue reading
Do not adjust your TV set.
“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it. Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole. Metaphorically speaking.”
Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.
“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President. The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”
“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading
Camerump pool their intellectual resources to no avail
David Cameron, the well known intellectual giant and friend of the oppressed, has refused to apologise for calling Donald Trump ‘stupid and wrong’.
Cameron, who thinks the way to fix a financial system plundered by the elites is to take more money off disabled people, said Trump needed to be sent a message that it was wrong to brag about picking on certain groups and to divide society.
Hail to the Chiefs?
The United States now has fear as its biggest export as it has given everyone else the both the heebies and the jeebies by voting Donald Trump a clear run to the presidency.
“A lot of people thought we couldn’t vote in anyone more alarming than George W. Bush,” said Corey Lewandowski, the manager of Trump’s presidential campaign. “We gave the free world eight years of its self-proclaimed leader being a half psycho-Christian/half marmoset who just plain ol’ loved giving the order for shit to be blown up. That was scary. Now, with The Donald, we bring you terrifying.” Continue reading
What could go wrong?
Ted Cruz and John Kasich have announced that they wish to cease hostilities with Donald Trump immediately, and as a token of goodwill have invited him to a wedding at the castle of Walder Frey.
This gesture is especially symbolic as Frey is known to be entirely neutral, above board and not at all given to evil murderous plots.
“We’re very excited about Trump coming here to celebrate with us,” announced Cruz this morning. “We hope to see him very soon – all his supporters can come and get extremely drunk safe in the knowledge that nothing bad will happen.”
“I’ll be wearing my best chain mail suit to mark the occasion.”
Trump seems to be intent on ignoring advice that attending the wedding might be a risky move, saying: “Hey, I know politics is a pretty cut-throat business, but I’m sure I can keep my head.”
“Now, that wall they’ve got up in the north – that gives me an idea…”
“April Fools!” After keeping shtum for months, Donald can finally let his hair down and relax
Red-necked US citizens were left red-faced this morning after the sudden withdrawal of Donald Trump from the election race.
Dubbed the longest running build-up to an April Fool bombshell, the news left millions dumbstruck. Eventually, small pockets of people in isolated communities began to recover their composure.
“Hey, he didn’t fool us for one minute,” they said. “We was jes’ playin’ along n’all. We sure ain’t no bigoted racists, no sir, we was jes’ pretendin’.”
I’m on THIS side, I couldn’t be clearer
“That’s exactly what Donald Trump meant, that thing you just said. He agrees with you.” explained a Trump spokesman today, following controversial remarks the presidential hopeful made yesterday.
Meanwhile, Mr Trump was already addressing a fresh crowd of morons “I’m on your side, but nobody else is saying it! I’ve always been saying it. Maybe they’re too scared to say it. I’m not scared of that Washington crowd. I’ll say it as much as I like, because you know what? It’s the truth”.
“Whose side am I on?” he asked, cupping his ears to the crowd “Yeah, you bet, YOUR side.”I’m on your side all the way Continue reading
At last, protection
Donald Trump has been heavily criticised by hard-line Republicans for performing an early termination of his abortion policy today.
Trump’s latest indiscretion, in which he proposed that women having abortions should be punished, came out of the blue and was seen by many close friends and family as deeply embarrassing.
The policy, which was unplanned, is believed to have been the result of a one-night drop in the polls which Trump would rather put behind him.
“It’s my policy and I should be allowed to do what I want with it,” he insisted. “I won’t have a bunch of journalists who aren’t even politicians telling me what to do with my decision-making apparatus.”
Easter is a time for remembering that Muslims killed Jesus, according to Donald Trump.
“People ask me why I don’t like Muslims, and I say ‘duh’, it’s because they nailed Jesus to the cross with those Muslamic nails of theirs. Page 545 of the Bible I think it is, there in black and white, Muhammad Pilate and his henchmen killing Jesus.”
“AGH! DON’T SHOOT. ME SURRENDER!”
Top US bungletwunt, Donald Trump has promised to have a protester-proof security wall built in time for his next campaign rally.
“I’m going to make the protestors build it, yeah!” Trump smugged, noddingly. Responding to suggestions that this might prove difficult to arrange, he said “You know what? The wall just got ten foot higher! Yeah?”
Pope Francis has confirmed that contraception is sometimes ok if it prevents a greater evil, eg the conception and subsequent spreading of Donald Trump.
“Avoiding pregnancy is not an absolute evil, so contraception can be justified if it prevents babies being born with Trumpephaly, ie very large heads, bad hair, but no discernible brains” said the Pontiff during a visit to Mexico.
Despite intensive coverage of the Iowa caucus it’s been revealed that most people this side of the Atlantic couldn’t give a rat’s arse about the result and fully ninety per cent think a caucus is some sort of animal.
“Caucus? Bloody hell, be careful,” local farmer Phil Evans said to us. “They can break a man’s arm you know.” Continue reading
Following his enormous temper tantrum after not getting his way in the planned Fox News debate, presidential hopeful Donald Trump has been revealed to be a snotty six-year-old boy with an unfortunate genetic disorder which gives him the appearance of a 70-year-old orange scrotum.
Trump, although noticeably eccentric, had always managed to disguise the fact that he was only a child via a mix of clever tailoring and fascist ranting, until the latest incident when he learned that the notoriously left-wing Fox News would not agree to let him sack the presenter he doesn’t like.
Little Donald was reportedly found abandoned by his despairing parents in the middle of a shopping mall, rolling around screaming and beating his fists on the floor repeatedly. Passers-by reported hearing him shouting: “NO NO NO I DON’T WANT HER TAKE HER AWAY TAKE HER AWAY MUMMY!” over and over. Continue reading
Texture like sun…
Shortly after a Thai cosmetics firm was forced to withdraw its ‘racist’ skin-whitening cream, an American company has stopped selling a leading skin-browning product after it was criticised for discriminating against idiots.
The television advert for the “Oompa” product shows a user named only as ‘Donald’ attributing his success to his ‘superior brown skin’, despite the fact that he is clearly a bright orange colour, resembling nothing more than a soggy Jaffa Cake after all the nice chocolate bit has been nibbled off.
“My world is a tough world,” says ‘Donald’ in the ad. “Without my beautiful brown skin I would not command great respect, and people would think I am stupid.” Continue reading
Filed under Health, idiots
The future of politics.
Scientists at the Boston Institute for Studies have discovered that human interbreeding with Neanderthals is the most likely cause of the modern condition known as ‘Donald Trump’. Continue reading
He who must not be President
Movie fan and frightful old bore Donald Trump has expressed outrage that the Hermione character in the new Harry Potter stage production will be played by a muggle actress.
“This is a disgraceful example of these muggles coming here and taking over,” raged Trump today. “Everyone knows that Hermione is magical, far more so than some of the other actors, like that guy who plays Neville, for example.”
“This new one, I saw her in Midsomer Murders, and she wasn’t in the least bit magical. I think people are going to be pretty unhappy.”
“Not like that lovely Emma Watson. She can make Polyjuice Potion, and her Patronus is an otter.”
It’s a monster!
Following German historians’ discovery that Adolf Hitler did indeed only have one ball, a team of testiculologists at the Albert Hall have announced the surprise discovery of the other one.
German historian Peter Fleischmann recently found medical records confirming that Hitler suffered from “right-side cryptorchidism”, but it was some time before anyone realised that this actually meant the hilarious one-ball thing.
Although the fascist leader’s monotesticularity has long been a cause of speculation, leading historians urged against leaping to conclusions.
A. J. P. Taylor, author of Triumph and Testicles, the Origins of the Second World War, argued that the Albert Hall link was far from proven, saying:
“While popular belief has it that the deficient testicle must be found in the Albert Hall, many other equally plausible theories exist.”
“For example, one respectable school of thought maintains that the Albert Hall idea is a red herring, and that research should instead be carried out into the notion that ‘Goering had two but very small’.”
Filed under DWP, idiots, News