Tag Archives: Daily Mail

“Breathing linked to cancer!” says Daily Mail

 

All these stiffs were breathing before they died.

Look! All theses stiffs were breathing before they died

In a major longitudinal study, first revealed rather breathlessly in the Daily Mail, researchers at Dunstable Royal Infirmary have identified breathing as a key factor linked to cancer and eventual death.

The project’s leader and Harold’s very own GP Dr Clive Evans, explained the breakthrough. “Until recently we’d focussed on dead patients, who generally weren’t breathing at all. But when we started to monitor live patients, an astonishingly high correlation with breathing suddenly emerged.”

‘Forest’, the right-to-enjoy-a-lingering-death-from-tobacco people, Continue reading

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Daily Mail continues to wage its terror campaign against Britain

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Wide-eyed and dangerous: the Daily Mail’s leader is a fanatic known only as Paul Dacre

Vicious tabloid the Daily Mail continues to wage war against us all with its tawdry and sensational coverage of world events. Today it has chosen to show pictures of the last moments of David Haines’ life before he was murdered by Isis. Continue reading

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Pack of braying media leeches ‘fear for Paul Gascoigne’s health’

 

Gazza thought the flashing lights when he went out in the morning were to do with his drinking

Gascoigne didn’t realise his blurred vision wasn’t always due to drinking

Paparazzi have asked fans to pray for the recovery of Paul Gascoigne (48 colummn inches).

He was papped earlier this week looking hagard, belying his ability to still shift papers.

The footballing legend is being treated in hospital for a serious illness, which many people feel entitled to be informed about and then make judgements upon.

A worried jackal, Brian (300mm, f stop 5.7), spoke from the scrum outside the hospital ‘I really hope he’s not drinking that gin I gave him, at least not all of it. I bought an appartment on the Algarve thanks to Gazza, and I really owed him one.’

Concerned vampire Simon (50mm, mainly portrait work) agreed. ‘I got him to agree to an exclusive tomorrow, if he makes it through the night. But I also spoke with Geoff, a former team mate (pundit rates, less 10% for cash) who agreed I can make up some quotes for him to say, so I’m covered whatever the outcome.’ Continue reading

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Facebook to start marking Daily Mail stories as ‘not satire, honest’.

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Facebook has announced it is to start marking articles shared from the Daily Mail a ‘not satire, honest’ tag after a number of users complained they often thought the stories and views of the paper were some sort of joke.

“I thought their hatred of people that don’t look like them was some kind of running joke,” one user commented after sharing a comment piece on immigration. “I didn’t think highly trained news people could actually think like that.”
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‘People who sleep have higher mortality rate’ research finds

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Researchers from Dunstable University have released the findings of a study that shows people who regularly sleep at some point during a 24 hour period have a high rate of mortality, with the chances of dying at some point as high as a 100%.

The government backed study, which lasted 20 years and cost £50m, followed a sample group of 5000 people. 3500 people died during the study and 100% of them regularly had some sleep over the course of a day. However Prof Edwards who led the study said for the survivors the future doesn’t look bright.

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Link discovered between violent video games and bad tabloid journalism

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Ron Jeremy dressed as Mario. Video games don’t inspire crime but they do inspire horrible cosplay.

Psychologists at the University of Dunstable have announced a breakthrough in their pioneering research on violent video games. A fifteen year longitudinal study has proved conclusively that there is a direct link between games such as Call of Duty and Titanfall and tabloid journalists writing utter crap. Continue reading

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‘Daily Mail, taken in sufficient quantities, may produce all the effects of being a dick’ report says

More harmful than smoking #FACT

Many of us are being exposed to the Daily Mail unawares a report published today confirms. By not explicitly labelling content from the Daily Mail as reactionary bobbins people are exposed to a harmful cocktail of misogyny, xenophobia and many other shabby things ending in -ist, -ia and -ic.  Continue reading

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‘No ID, no checks’: how morally destitute man passed himself off as Daily Mail journalist

foodbank

Mr Murphy also restocked the paper’s stationary cupboard.

A man with virtually no morals to fall back on posed as a journalist for the Daily Mail.

That’s the claim of a food bank recently cleaned out by the scrounger, who is described as ‘starving of empathy and quite heavily stained with chocolate.’

Simon Murphy walked into the offices of the newspaper and started typing out hate, after discovering that charities were giving out food to families that need it. Not one member of staff spotted that something was wrong, despite the rowdy ‘nomnomnom’ coming from his desk, or his continual complaint that they didn’t have couscous.
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The evidence! Ten damning facts about Harriet Harman’s dark past

HHMore startling evidence has emerged of Harriet Harman’s links to the notorious Paedophile Information Exchange. After several minutes’ investigation, the Evening Harold has come up with ten facts that the Deputy Labour Leader will struggle to deny.

1. Harriet Harman lives in London which is full of paedophiles. She is bound to have walked past one in the street or worse sat next to one on public transport. Try denying that one!

2. Harriet Harman is an MP and they are all dodgy in one way or another.

3. Even more damning, she represents Peckham in Parliament. We all know Peckham is a full of criminals. You only have to watch old episodes of “Only Fools and Horses” for evidence.

4. Harriet Harman has been linked to PIEs since a steak and kidney one baked by her grandmother in 1954. Continue reading

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Harriet Harman says allegation she bought the Daily Mail a ‘vicious smear’

Harman much preferred wiping bottom with the Sun

Harman much preferred wiping bottom with the Sun

Labour Deputy Leader Harriet Harman has branded allegations she bought a copy of the Daily Mail in 1978 a ‘vicious smear’.

The Daily Mail purchase allegations have been swirling around Harman for weeks, and until yesterday her only comment was that the story was ‘ridiculous and untrue’. But revelations that a copy of the Daily Mail was in her flat in 1978 forced Harman to be more forthcoming.

“Yes it is true that there was a copy of the Daily Mail in my flat in 1978 but it was already there before I moved in” said Harman on Newsnight. “And none of my flatmates would have actually bought the Daily Mail – I think they shoplifted it and bought it back for bog paper or something”.
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Daily Mail ‘outraged’ as one week on, no Romanians yet

arrivals

What, NONE? Not ONE?

One week on from the relaxation of Eastern Europe travel restrictions, the anticipated flood of Romanians and Bulgarians is so noticeably absent that Britain has gone from feeling relieved to being distinctly offended. Far from struggling to keep people out, it seems entirely possible that the foreigners have had a good look at the UK and decided: “bugger that”.

With arrivals halls empty in airports across the country, the Daily Mail has already run an outraged front page story headlined “WHAT’S WRONG WITH US YOU BASTARDS” and senior politicians are nervously enquiring whether their breath smells, or something. Continue reading

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‘Half convicted pickpockets are Romainian’. Modern day Artful Dodger suggests better training

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Recent police figures reported in the Daily Mail have suggested “over half of all convicted tube pickpockets are Romanian” leading to calls for better training.

“There are actually fewer Romanian pickpockets than there are British ones, but they are shit at it and are getting caught more often,” one modern day Artful Dodger told us.

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Secret society still not getting credit they deserve for averting apocalypse

Where's the rest of the month? Oh...

Where’s the rest of the month? Oh…

As the date of the latest apocalyptic prediction draws closer, with the Viking apocalypse Ragnorak set to occur on February 22nd, the leader of a secret society dedicated to the protection of mankind has bemoaned their continuing lack of recognition.

“People noticed that Gary Barlow and David Beckham were not knighted in the 2014 New Year Honours List, but nobody batted an eyelid at the fact that all of our members were overlooked once again, despite having prevented the end of the world numerous times.” complained a man who insisted on being referred to as ‘Grand Master’. Continue reading

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Wet weather ‘linked to vaping’ claims local man

vaper

Way cooler than smoke rings.

The current spate of early morning mists, turning foggy later, followed by torrential downpours across much of Britain is directly proportional to the recent upsurge in the number of people vaping.  That was the stark warning today from Harold’s newest resident, ‘observational climatologist’ Mike Anderson.

Mike spends his day ‘hanging round and commenting on the weather’.  He is the author of ‘British Weather, An Introduction’ and his latest research centres round a noticeable increase in the number of people vaping, measured against general wetness.  ‘It is just a theory at this stage,’ he said, ‘but so was Higgs boson.’
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Daily Mail denies Miliband attack motivated by anti-semitism

Capture Of course that was a long time ago and to imply that this reflects the current practice and outlook of the Daily Mail would be as mad as holding a son to account for his father’s views.

 

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Editor of Daily Mail’s father buggered the Queen’s swans

How?

Why is too complicated a question. We just want to know how.

It is a story that should disturb everyone who loves this country for the Evening Harold can exclusively reveal that Peter Dacre the journalist whose son Paul now edits the Daily Mail buggered Her Majesty’s swans on several occasions and then blamed what we would today call asylum seekers for the Queen’s feathery subject’s distress.

Peter Dacre was extremely fond of nipping along to a quiet stretch of the Thames near Runnymede where he could get down to some serious man et swan action without fear of being interrupted. There are locals living there now who can still recall hearing cries of ‘How’s that for a Magna Carta?” echoing out from the reeds and remember being terribly afraid of what effect this would have on the value of their houses. Continue reading

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Injunction prevents Daily Mail publishing saucy beach shots of Eric Pickles

Being a responsible news organ we can't publish 'The Photo' but this should give you the general idea.

Being a responsible news organ we can’t publish ‘The Photos’ but this should give you the general idea.

The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief when a court injunction was awarded yesterday preventing the Daily Mail’s from publishing a collection of photos of Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, enjoying a relaxing beach holiday with his wife, Irene, ahead of this week’s Conservative Party Conference.

Alongside the banned photographs, the Mail had intended to publish a story commenting upon his ‘unbelievable body’ and ‘skimpy beach shorts’. Continue reading

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Gove solves primary school places crisis: poor kids to attend houses of work instead

Michael-Gove-looking-odd

Predator: do not let this man near your children

Education Secretary, Michael Gove, has announced that he has solved the current primary school places crisis by arranging for the children of parents who receive any form of state benefit and/or whose income places them in the lowest third of wage-earners in the country to be educated in houses of work instead of schools.

“This new system is of benefit to all,” Gove declared. “Your typical hard-working family – maybe he’s a Cabinet minister and she writes drivel that would shame a baboon for the Daily Mail – will no longer have their beloved children exposed to the kids of people who have failed in life. It is unfair to both sides for everyone to educated together. Rich children shouldn’t be expected to share and poor ones shouldn’t be encouraged to have aspirations.” Continue reading

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Scientists develop cure for Daily Mail

Could it's 117 year reign of terror really be about to come to an end?

The only two word combination that signals a higher concentration of mediocrity is Quote Unquote

Harold scientists Rachel Guest and John Goody have today announced that after many years of trials and research they have developed a cure for the Daily Mail.

“The Daily Mail has blighted lives for over a century” said John Goody. “We’re very proud to have beaten this scourge once and for all. Hopefully soon the sidebar of shame, the hideous use of the phrase ‘all-grown up’ to justify sexually objectifying children and a crazed love for declaring that anything, absolutely anything at all, can give you cancer will be just a bad memory.” Continue reading

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Decline in Daily Mail sales blamed on reduction of adult magazines in stores

dailymail460 copyManagers at the Daily Mail have become concerned about fall in sales of their newspaper. The decline has been blamed on both the reduction in pornographic magazines in newsagents and the ones that are left being wrapped in plastic.

“Sales have dropped by 62% since people have lost the ability to hide their copy of the Daily Mail in a porn mag” said Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail. “It seems that although many things are not as taboo as they used to be, being seen in public with a copy of the Mail will never be socially acceptable.”
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