Tag Archives: Daily Mail

‘People who sleep have higher mortality rate’ research finds

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Researchers from Dunstable University have released the findings of a study that shows people who regularly sleep at some point during a 24 hour period have a high rate of mortality, with the chances of dying at some point as high as a 100%.

The government backed study, which lasted 20 years and cost £50m, followed a sample group of 5000 people. 3500 people died during the study and 100% of them regularly had some sleep over the course of a day. However Prof Edwards who led the study said for the survivors the future doesn’t look bright.

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Link discovered between violent video games and bad tabloid journalism

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Ron Jeremy dressed as Mario. Video games don’t inspire crime but they do inspire horrible cosplay.

Psychologists at the University of Dunstable have announced a breakthrough in their pioneering research on violent video games. A fifteen year longitudinal study has proved conclusively that there is a direct link between games such as Call of Duty and Titanfall and tabloid journalists writing utter crap. Continue reading

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Millions are exposed to Daily Mail without knowing it: the shocking truth about unlabelled rubbish

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Hiding in plain sight. When will the Daily Mail be correctly labelled as poisonous bobbins?

Newsagents and websites are exposing millions of readers to the Daily Mail without telling them. By not explicitly labelling content from the Daily Mail as reactionary gubbins the end product is read by bigots and non-bigots alike. Continue reading

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‘No ID, no checks’: how morally destitute man passed himself off as Daily Mail journalist

foodbank

Mr Murphy also restocked the paper’s stationary cupboard.

A man with virtually no morals to fall back on posed as a journalist for the Daily Mail.

That’s the claim of a food bank recently cleaned out by the scrounger, who is described as ‘starving of empathy and quite heavily stained with chocolate.’

Simon Murphy walked into the offices of the newspaper and started typing out hate, after discovering that charities were giving out food to families that need it. Not one member of staff spotted that something was wrong, despite the rowdy ‘nomnomnom’ coming from his desk, or his continual complaint that they didn’t have couscous.
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The evidence! Ten damning facts about Harriet Harman’s dark past

HHMore startling evidence has emerged of Harriet Harman’s links to the notorious Paedophile Information Exchange. After several minutes’ investigation, the Evening Harold has come up with ten facts that the Deputy Labour Leader will struggle to deny.

1. Harriet Harman lives in London which is full of paedophiles. She is bound to have walked past one in the street or worse sat next to one on public transport. Try denying that one!

2. Harriet Harman is an MP and they are all dodgy in one way or another.

3. Even more damning, she represents Peckham in Parliament. We all know Peckham is a full of criminals. You only have to watch old episodes of “Only Fools and Horses” for evidence.

4. Harriet Harman has been linked to PIEs since a steak and kidney one baked by her grandmother in 1954. Continue reading

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Harriet Harman says allegation she bought the Daily Mail a ‘vicious smear’

Harman much preferred wiping bottom with the Sun

Harman much preferred wiping bottom with the Sun

Labour Deputy Leader Harriet Harman has branded allegations she bought a copy of the Daily Mail in 1978 a ‘vicious smear’.

The Daily Mail purchase allegations have been swirling around Harman for weeks, and until yesterday her only comment was that the story was ‘ridiculous and untrue’. But revelations that a copy of the Daily Mail was in her flat in 1978 forced Harman to be more forthcoming.

“Yes it is true that there was a copy of the Daily Mail in my flat in 1978 but it was already there before I moved in” said Harman on Newsnight. “And none of my flatmates would have actually bought the Daily Mail – I think they shoplifted it and bought it back for bog paper or something”.
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Daily Mail ‘outraged’ as one week on, no Romanians yet

arrivals

What, NONE? Not ONE?

One week on from the relaxation of Eastern Europe travel restrictions, the anticipated flood of Romanians and Bulgarians is so noticeably absent that Britain has gone from feeling relieved to being distinctly offended. Far from struggling to keep people out, it seems entirely possible that the foreigners have had a good look at the UK and decided: “bugger that”.

With arrivals halls empty in airports across the country, the Daily Mail has already run an outraged front page story headlined “WHAT’S WRONG WITH US YOU BASTARDS” and senior politicians are nervously enquiring whether their breath smells, or something. Continue reading

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‘Half convicted pickpockets are Romainian’. Modern day Artful Dodger suggests better training

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Recent police figures reported in the Daily Mail have suggested “over half of all convicted tube pickpockets are Romanian” leading to calls for better training.

“There are actually fewer Romanian pickpockets than there are British ones, but they are shit at it and are getting caught more often,” one modern day Artful Dodger told us.

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Secret society still not getting credit they deserve for averting apocalypse

Where's the rest of the month? Oh...

Where’s the rest of the month? Oh…

As the date of the latest apocalyptic prediction draws closer, with the Viking apocalypse Ragnorak set to occur on February 22nd, the leader of a secret society dedicated to the protection of mankind has bemoaned their continuing lack of recognition.

“People noticed that Gary Barlow and David Beckham were not knighted in the 2014 New Year Honours List, but nobody batted an eyelid at the fact that all of our members were overlooked once again, despite having prevented the end of the world numerous times.” complained a man who insisted on being referred to as ‘Grand Master’. Continue reading

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Wet weather ‘linked to vaping’ claims local man

vaper

Way cooler than smoke rings.

The current spate of early morning mists, turning foggy later, followed by torrential downpours across much of Britain is directly proportional to the recent upsurge in the number of people vaping.  That was the stark warning today from Harold’s newest resident, ‘observational climatologist’ Mike Anderson.

Mike spends his day ‘hanging round and commenting on the weather’.  He is the author of ‘British Weather, An Introduction’ and his latest research centres round a noticeable increase in the number of people vaping, measured against general wetness.  ‘It is just a theory at this stage,’ he said, ‘but so was Higgs boson.’
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Daily Mail denies Miliband attack motivated by anti-semitism

Capture Of course that was a long time ago and to imply that this reflects the current practice and outlook of the Daily Mail would be as mad as holding a son to account for his father’s views.

 

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Editor of Daily Mail’s father buggered the Queen’s swans

How?

Why is too complicated a question. We just want to know how.

It is a story that should disturb everyone who loves this country for the Evening Harold can exclusively reveal that Peter Dacre the journalist whose son Paul now edits the Daily Mail buggered Her Majesty’s swans on several occasions and then blamed what we would today call asylum seekers for the Queen’s feathery subject’s distress.

Peter Dacre was extremely fond of nipping along to a quiet stretch of the Thames near Runnymede where he could get down to some serious man et swan action without fear of being interrupted. There are locals living there now who can still recall hearing cries of ‘How’s that for a Magna Carta?” echoing out from the reeds and remember being terribly afraid of what effect this would have on the value of their houses. Continue reading

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Injunction prevents Daily Mail publishing saucy beach shots of Eric Pickles

Being a responsible news organ we can't publish 'The Photo' but this should give you the general idea.

Being a responsible news organ we can’t publish ‘The Photos’ but this should give you the general idea.

The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief when a court injunction was awarded yesterday preventing the Daily Mail’s from publishing a collection of photos of Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, enjoying a relaxing beach holiday with his wife, Irene, ahead of this week’s Conservative Party Conference.

Alongside the banned photographs, the Mail had intended to publish a story commenting upon his ‘unbelievable body’ and ‘skimpy beach shorts’. Continue reading

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Gove solves primary school places crisis: poor kids to attend houses of work instead

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Predator: do not let this man near your children

Education Secretary, Michael Gove, has announced that he has solved the current primary school places crisis by arranging for the children of parents who receive any form of state benefit and/or whose income places them in the lowest third of wage-earners in the country to be educated in houses of work instead of schools.

“This new system is of benefit to all,” Gove declared. “Your typical hard-working family – maybe he’s a Cabinet minister and she writes drivel that would shame a baboon for the Daily Mail – will no longer have their beloved children exposed to the kids of people who have failed in life. It is unfair to both sides for everyone to educated together. Rich children shouldn’t be expected to share and poor ones shouldn’t be encouraged to have aspirations.” Continue reading

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Scientists develop cure for Daily Mail

Could it's 117 year reign of terror really be about to come to an end?

The only two word combination that signals a higher concentration of mediocrity is Quote Unquote

Harold scientists Rachel Guest and John Goody have today announced that after many years of trials and research they have developed a cure for the Daily Mail.

“The Daily Mail has blighted lives for over a century” said John Goody. “We’re very proud to have beaten this scourge once and for all. Hopefully soon the sidebar of shame, the hideous use of the phrase ‘all-grown up’ to justify sexually objectifying children and a crazed love for declaring that anything, absolutely anything at all, can give you cancer will be just a bad memory.” Continue reading

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Decline in Daily Mail sales blamed on reduction of adult magazines in stores

dailymail460 copyManagers at the Daily Mail have become concerned about fall in sales of their newspaper. The decline has been blamed on both the reduction in pornographic magazines in newsagents and the ones that are left being wrapped in plastic.

“Sales have dropped by 62% since people have lost the ability to hide their copy of the Daily Mail in a porn mag” said Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail. “It seems that although many things are not as taboo as they used to be, being seen in public with a copy of the Mail will never be socially acceptable.”
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Daily Mail to back gay marriage after realising it will improve house prices

Who wouldn't want to live next door to Biggins? He's lovely.

Who wouldn’t want to live next door to Biggins? He’s lovely.

The Daily Mail notorious for its homophobic editorials and columnists is set to reverse its stance on gay marriage after realising that it will improve house prices in the UK.

“It’s a well known industry fact,” said Harold estate agent, Gill Gates. “Gay people actively improve neighbourhoods and drive up house prices as more and more people realise that instead of living next-door to Terry and Stacey, their six kids and a rottweiller they can be next to two married guys with an adorable kitten.” Continue reading

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Residents on benefits plead to be taken into police custody to keep village safe

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Worried residents of Harold who are currently on any form of benefit from job seekers allowance to war widows pension pleaded with the police to take them into custody to ensure the safety of those around them.

Carly Jeffery who works as a teaching assistant at St Mary’s and receives housing benefit and child benefit for her two children Ben (7) and Alice (4) is terrified that being in reciept of government money means that she will harm her family.

“With the Daily Mail claiming that Mick Philpott and his two accomplices wouldn’t have killed if being on benefits hadn’t made them do it, I’m worried for the safety of my children. I love the kids to bits but I now see that they have been born into a culture of dependency and are doomed to be as feckless as I am. It’s only right that I’m locked up and they are raised by the state which will of course ease the burden on hard working tax payers and give the children a better chance in life, won’t it?”

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