After the Pope’s softening of opposition to contraception, the newly-created Vatican Rubber Company has rushed out a new range of condoms for the discerning Catholic – “Papal Bulls’.
A spokesman said the new condoms offered a unique blend of security, sensation and spiritual guidance, and were available in ‘Trinity-sized’ packs of three from machines inside every confessional booth.
For extra protection, each deluxe latex prophylactic comes pre-blessed with a Hail Mary.
“People may be surprised to see the Vatican embracing condom use,” explained official spokesman Reverend Father Federico “Johnny” Lombardi.
“But sex has become very much part ot the Catholic brand. We’d be crazy not to cash in, if only to raise some money for all the lawsuits we’re facing.”
“We think our branding has the rugged but sensual feel so common in the priesthood these days. We’ve listened to the people, done our research, and the people have told us that when you say ‘priest’, they think ‘bull’.”
Despite the massive marketing push, initial sales have disappointingly slow, according to the first sales figures.
The Vatican admitted this was confusing, asking “What in heaven could be putting people off using holy condoms?”
* thanks to Gareth Child – he knows why…
Filed under News, Religion, Sex
None of the interred have been invited.
With just days to go before the society wedding of the year, bride-to-be Sirah Evans has demanded that all the graves are removed from the church.
During a dress rehearsal, local celebrity Sirah Evans noticed ‘some big stones with names and shit on’, and demanded to know ‘what the f**k were they thinking?’
“I explained to young Sirah that when people pass on, we intern them during a ceremony”, said Rev. Tansy Forster. “The ‘headstones’ mark their final resting place, for parishioners that can read.”
Hitting back at comments from Pope Francis that they must ‘stop doing evil’ if they wish to avoid hell, mafia bosses have said they will stop ‘if the Catholic Church stops first’.
Warning the criminal organisation with such phrases as ‘blood-stained money, blood-stained power, you can’t take it all with you, even if you are a nice Pope’, mafia bosses say they would be willing to give up any criminal tendencies they may have, as long as the Church took the lead.
“We are not saying one crime is any worse than another,” one don explained, “but we are sure as well as hating torture and murder, God isn’t that keen on paedophilia and widespread corruption either.
We searched for images on the theme ‘bride at a funeral’ and this was the first picture we got. Can anyone explain this?
With the upper echelons of the Church of England still debating the issue of women Bishops, the parish of Harold is already bringing the Church bang up to date.
St Paul’s is to pilot special discounts for 2013/2014. Speaking at the launch, Priest-in charge Rev. Tansy Forster outlined the key details of the scheme. “The headliner is that we’re offering ‘Three for Two’ on weddings, christenings and funerals.” Continue reading
WBC protest with their new and improved signs
The controversial religious cult, the Westboro Baptist Church, have announced a set of reforms aimed at modernising the church and improving its public image. Although they have stopped short of banning incest and the brainwashing of children, they have come out and agreed to allow gay clergy.
The notoriously homophobic group have until now been bitterly against same-sex relationships, preaching their hatred with their infamous banners whilst protesting at military installations, schools and at the funerals of fallen soldiers. However in a bid to rebuild numbers in their church, the church’s founder Pastor Fred Phelps has decided to get right behind the gay community.
Church jump ‘incompatible with string theory’ (artist’s impression)
Organisers of a church bungee jump have reacted angrily to a snub by professor Hawking, after he claimed it would be ‘inappropriate’ for an atheist to take part.
Harold vicar Tansy Forster is trying to raise funds for a new gargoyle, after the last one was stolen by Goths.
But Forster was disappointed that the professor refused to support the event, because he doesn’t believe in the existence of a God.