Boris Johnson has ended months of speculation this morning by confirming that he will be ending David Cameron’s political career in 2015. Continue reading
Tag Archives: Boris Johnson
Environmental groups have welcome the plans saying the amount of smug given of by diesel car drivers when talking about their fuel efficiency is becoming a serious health risk to everyone.
A spokesperson for the Green Party said: “Smug levels in the South East and especially London have always been high, with ‘banker bonus season’ creating a smug cloud so bad it is hard to see the top of Canary Wharf.
Local ad-woman Meya Begum has admitted that her agency created the character Boris Johnson simply to sell yoghurt.
“Boris was supposed to appeal to kids, very much in the same vein as the Honey Monster,” she explained. “But it got really out of hand. Sorry.” Continue reading
Boris Johnson has denied despotism and claimed that the water cannons bought for London are “lovely”.
“They are not, as some people are saying, a sure sign that we Tories fear riots because we’ve screwed the country rigid,” he told journalists outside City Hall. “These cannons are simply a new way for Londoners to keep cool in the heat over the next few months.”
“As Mayor of London I take the health of the people very seriously,” Johnson said. “That’s why the Metropolitan Police now have three water cannons and will be deploying them at moment’s notice if they come across any mobs that look a bit dehydrated.”
“If the mob also look run-down then then I’m hoping Fat Dave’ll sign off on the Met being able to launch a new initiative to help them to get moving in an invigorating healthy manner. But so far he doesn’t seem as keen as I am on rubber bullets.”
The government has arrived at a radical solution to alleviate the council funding crisis. When research confirmed that three out of five councils nationwide will have no money whatsoever by 2015 the decision was made to close London and redistribute its budget across the UK. Continue reading
During his phone-in on LBC today Boris Johnson, a clever man pretending to be a golden retriever pretending to be an idiot, described Tony Blair as an “eel-like customer”. And in doing so lent a fresh dignity to British politics. Continue reading
Following in the rumoured to be freakishly small and girl-like footsteps of Kim Jong-un, Mayor of London and Womble-that’s-let-itself-go made flesh Boris Johnson has issued a proclamation stating that all men in the capital must henceforth have the same haircut as him.
Boris Johnson’s plans to have radicalised children removed from their home seems to have backfired when social workers began taking children out of his old school, Eton.
The Mayor of London said the idea was to try to rehabilitate people that have been brainwashed into thinking they are somehow better than everyone else, and were likely to try and harm others in later years.
“As soon as we were made aware of the scheme we looked around the community to identify any radicalised children,” the head of social services in Windsor told us.
As the Thames bursts its banks and parts of Berkshire flooded the Environment Agency swung into action with an ongoing and limitlessly resourced operation sanctioned by the government to ensure that not one inch of Eton College’s four hundred acres of grounds gets even slightly damp. Continue reading
Chief constables are to press home secretary Theresa May to authorise the use of a powerful new water cannon after London mayor Boris Johnson raised serious concerns about the smell of poor people rioting.
The Association of Chief Police Officers (Acpo) says that “the likelihood of increased protests as austerity measures increase into the summer is certain to cause a ‘perfect storm’ of hotter days and unwashed protesters, leading to the atmosphere in central London becoming unbearable”.
The new cannon, a Ziegler Wasserwerfer 9000, can get through its 9,000 litres of water in just five minutes on ‘quick wash’, with the water kept at a constant 5C to “safeguard the health of protesters and protect delicate woollens.” Continue reading
Police are today advising members of the public to ignore men who look like clowns and spout nonsense: a sinister anti-social trend which seems to be growing.
Recently there have been several reports of clowns lurking on the national stage and trying to scare onlookers by babbling about IQ levels, the welfare system and how the NHS is safe in their hands. While no one has been hurt so far there is concern that they could become violent, with rumours that they are constructing huge circus tents in remote locations and herding people under a certain income/standard of health/intelligence level into them for reasons which have yet to be fully understood remaining unconfirmed but persistent. Continue reading
Attorney General warns of corruption in minority communities. Bullingdon Club particular cause for concern
The Attorney General, Conservative MP Dominic Grieve, has warned that politicians need to ‘wake up’ to the problems of corruption in minority communities and cited the Bullingdon Club as a particular cause for concern.
The all-male Oxford University dining club counts David Cameron, George Osborne, Boris Johnson and Lord Voldemort amongst its past members has a reputation for exclusivity, a predilection for smashing up restaurants, and generally encourages its members to behave as if they were part of a parallel universe Drones Club in which fun has been replaced by a level of arrogance not seen since Charles I. Continue reading
With the world’s media gathered at Edinburgh Zoo getting increasingly impatient to see if their female panda, Tian Tian, is pregnant, staff are looking at ways to induce labour.
“If Tian Tian did become pregnant during a course of artificial insemination she will be due any day now,” her keeper told us. “But finding out if a panda is pregnant is not as black and white as it may seem.”
A survey by the Office of National Statistics has shown that although the British are notoriously bad in bed, we are the most productive. The survey has shown that there were more births in 2011-2012 than in any other year since 1972 -a vintage year in the baby-making industry that brought us Miranda Hart and Liam Gallagher.
The increase in the birth rate has seen the UK go to number one of EU countries. It is seen as proof that although the French and Italians may be revered for their caring, loving and sensual approach to love making, the traditional British 5-minute-fumble with a stranger is still the most reliable technique for reproduction.
David Cameron has been very quick to jump on this good news story. During a visit with the Mayor of London to a maternity ward, the prime minister told reporters, “This goes to show that despite cuts and austerity, British manufacturing is thriving. This is the most productive this country has been in over 40 years.”
Boris Johnson was also swift to praise the results of the report. When asked if he thought the UK could now retain its place at the top of the baby-making league he said he was “doing his best”.
Not everyone has been so positive though. Len McCluskey, leader of the Unite Union said one good year is not indicative of the industry as a whole. “The human reproduction industry is very similar to coal mining” he told us. “Any positive thoughts are quickly ruined when you lay back and think of Maggie.”
The ONS has used the report to try and rekindle the pride felt in Britain over the year covered. “This recent ‘baby-boom’ has occurred over a time that included the London Olympics” the report said, “which just goes to show, although we weren’t to good in the pool, little British swimmers were still the winners.”
Excitement is building among players of Tory Bingo as more and more cases of sleaze and corruption hit the press meaning that the day one lucky contestant gets to call house can’t be very far away.
“Tory Bingo hasn’t been this thrilling since the early nineties,” said long-term player and Harold resident, Doris Kettle. “Back then we had so many scandals like the economy being brought to its knees by Norman Lamont and his young advisor David Cameron, the arms-to-Iraq scandal, cash-for-questions, Jonathan Aitken being convicted of perjury and-” Continue reading
At a press conference yesterday Michael Gove shared with reporters what he called ‘the pinnacle’ of his education reforms by announcing that from September all four-and-a-half million school pupils in Great Britain and Northern Ireland aged between thirteen and eighteen will attend Eton College.
“This government is totally committed to improving social mobility and giving all young people the chance to succeed and achieve their full potential on their own terms. Unfortunately that’s actually really, really difficult so we thought it would be easier to make everybody the same and an Eton education is the key to absolute conformity.” Continue reading
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After this morning’s shock revelation that Boris Johnson and his hair have separated, journalists from the Evening Harold can now announce the sensational news that the flyaway thatch has defected to UKIP.
UKIP leader Nigel Farage is seen here looking understandably delighted in front of an industrial hair dryer.
More news as we get it…
Boris Johnson’s personal approval ratings went into free fall yesterday when his hair announced that it is going solo. Since becoming MP for Henley in 2001, Johnson’s electoral success had mainly been credited to the fact that he looked like a golden retriever that had been groomed and blow-dried by a stoned and embittered conceptual artist who’d never known success. Now his hair has left him to pursue other projects revealing Johnson to be a middle-aged Eton, Oxford, Bullingdon Club toff.
“I don’t know much about politics,” said Harold resident and former Boris fan, Jane Hough. “I haven’t watched it since they sacked Angus Deayton but I always thought that Boris was better than other politicians because he had that mad hair and couldn’t do his jacket up on important occasions. It made him seem like one of us. Now the hair’s gone I’ve realised that he’s just another self-serving Tory.” Continue reading