Tag Archives: Bono

Bono proclaims he will heal Labour

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Rejoice for He is among us

There is relief today as having heard the cries of a people suffering without an Opposition, Bono has descended and promised to fix this heaving shambles pronto, like.
“No more division. All is needed is one beautiful, humble voice. It’s time for Bono, let Him speak,” said Bono. “Guys, I feel your pain and just like Africa I will heal it.” Continue reading

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‘A few songs from our new album’ now world’s most dreaded phrase

Bono singing a few songs from the new album

Bono singing a few songs from the new album

‘A few songs from our new album’ has replaced ‘you’ll hardly feel a thing’ and ‘my mum’s coming to stay for a bit’ as the world’s most dreaded phrase.

The poll result was slightly surprising given the plethora of terror attacks and generally upsetting news, but it seems the horror of Bono, Eric Clapton, and co devoting a significant part of a concert to new material is undimmed.
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Bono to sing ‘Je Suis Un Belle-Ende’ for Paris

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Enorme tete de coque rouge

Following U2’s announcement that they are to record a song to show their solidarity with Paris, there has been massive popular enthusiasm for the suggestion that Bono should sing the classic French ballad “Je Suis Un Belle-Ende”.

A spokesman from the French embassy in London, visibly fighting back tears of emotion, explained to reporters today that the song referred to a symbol of protection for others, saving them from harm in the face of attack, and could be literally translated as “I am your helmet”.

Bono gave keen support to the idea in an interview to French journalists this morning.

“They tell me it’s a common French phrase, down on the streets. I think it is amazingly moving. I can feel myself being moved right now.”

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Bono calls for system where citizens contribute money into central government pot to fund refugees

Bono enjoying a quiet moment of smug

Bono enjoying a quiet moment of smug

Many more Syrian refugees could be rehomed if Western governments introduced a system where citizens were forced to pay a portion of their income into a nationally administered central pot, according to Irish singer, activist, and thinker Bono.

“Refugees, hospitals, and schools, you name it, we could pay for it all if only the UK and other Western governments introduced a compulsory system to take money from its people” said Bono smugly.
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Dismay as Bono and Bob Geldof announce they’re releasing a song about refugees

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Worst pantomime horse ever

The refugee crisis has taken a darker turn with the announcement that Bono and Bob Geldof are going to release a song about it.

“To people with nothing I offer the thing they really need: music,” said Bono. “I represent the refugees. They haven’t asked me to represent them. It’s cheeky but I hope they’re glad I do. I’m the man who said of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown ‘they are kind of the John and Paul of the global development stage, in my opinion. But the point is, Lennon and McCartney changed my interior world – Blair and Brown can change the real world’ what further proof of my expertise on politics and humanity do you need?” Continue reading

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The 50 Most Irritating People of 2014: Part III

23. No Diana effect for Bonio after that accident.

23. No Diana effect for Bonio after that accident.

We’re now into the top 30 of our countdown of the top irritants of the last year.

Just to emphasise, this is a list of irritating people. If there was any way we could bend the rules to include meerkats they would be sure to make the Top 10. Perhaps we should think about a Top 50 most irritating animals next year?

Today we have shock news as some of your favourites fail to make the Top 20, including the bloke on the left:

 

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Bono says sorry his genius can’t be fully appreciated

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You’ve let yourselves down but worse you’ve let him down

U2 frontman Bono has filmed an apology for the gift many iTunes users found to be their most unwelcome since chlamydia when all 500 million of them were given U2’s new album.

“I’m sorry people can’t appreciate my genius and the remarkable gift I gave unto them,” he said before raising his right hand and clicking his fingers. “Every time I do this a child in Africa says ‘why is this shite in my iTunes library’ and deletes Songs of Innocence. It’s probably something to do with their ears and such. Together, we can use your money to help these kids to grow and fully grasp the wonder of me.” Continue reading

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Global despair as U2 album added to everyone’s iTunes music library

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Bono: we wouldn’t piss on ourselves if he was on fire…wait, is that right?

The Samaritans and emotional support charities across the world have reported their busiest ever twelve hours following iTunes automatically placing U2’s new album, Songs of Innocence, in everyone’s music libraries.

“I’d just about got over the initial shock, and the horror of U2 stealing an album title from William Blake,” Harold’s vicar Rev. Tansy Forster said to us, “when I realised that on my iTunes it says that I purchased it. Purchased! What if someone sees? Truly these are the End of Days.” Continue reading

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World gets even worse as Phil Collins announces comeback

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“Miss me?”

As corruption, Syria, and flesh-eating zombies dominate the headlines – well, maybe not the zombies but would you be surprised? – the world is today facing up to a new horror: Phil Collins has announced that he is coming out of retirement. Continue reading

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Exclusive! Bono doesn’t appear on camera at world event: that letter in full:

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This is me good side. Youse can photoshop in me sad expression later.

Dear Mr Zuma,

Thank you for me invite to the Nelson Mandela memorial service. It is a great honour that you thought of me, although it’s no surprise that you did.

However, on this occasion I feel duty-bound to turn down yer kind and humble request. I can’t really take 100% of the credit for dismantling apartheid, although it would be fair to say I’m almost there with the ol’ poverty and what-not.
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