The government has come under fire for for cutting almost all funding to the prison system and opting to chuck prisoners into a sarlacc pit instead. Continue reading
World’s most angry and bigoted neighbourhood watch group run amok, the DUP, have stopped rolling around in all their magic money tree cash long enough to order the Prime Minister to radically change her holiday plans. Continue reading
The sprinkler aisle of the echoing barn you mooch around peering at tools, to avoid doing any actual DIY, will be fully stocked by October half-term.
“By Guy Fawkes night at the latest.” confirmed B&Q’s marketing director, Anna Jones today. “Probably. Definitely before you throw the hose into the shed for the winter.”
Jones says a fickle public is itself to blame for various shortages “Wellington boots? Hardly get looked at in July but by December, just after we’ve sent them back, it’s all ‘My allotment looks like the Somme, Continue reading
Jeremy Hunt clarification: “making Mental Health work more attractive to staff won’t involve me resigning.”
Sacrificial anode in human form, Jeremy Hunt says he won’t resign, even though surveys show it’s the best way to make NHS work more attractive to potential recruits.
“It’s largely due to me we’ve got so many vacancies in mental health, so why would I leave?” asked the hapless Health Secretary, who genuinely has no self awareness; ironically making him an ideal subject for teaching trainee psychologists about sociopathy, if only Continue reading
Bored of slowly making life worse for everyone but themselves the government has decided to lighten the mood and ruin the country completely over the next few days in order to surprise Theresa May when she returns from Italy.
Brexiters wanting a skydiver-without-parachute EU exit have been reminded that a referendum might be the answer.
Remainer Jason Beesley from Harold says he “feels the pain” of hard Brexiters and suggests an advisory, binary, Yes/No poll might clarify what the UK public wants.
“That’s a rubbish idea.” said Continue reading
A Dunstable man going through a divorce has hired a chainsaw with which to split the family assets and he’ll start with the house itself.
“It’s got a wooden frame so it should be quite easy, as long as I don’t hit any nails” said David Davis “I assume that’s what she meant by ‘sparks are going to fly’, when I told her about it.”
Davis won’t consider a soft divorce, where everything is discussed beforehand. “I want to crash out of the marriage without any agreement, so I’ve insulted my wife and her lawyers as much as I can. My mate Boris told me that’s the best way to get what you want – which in my case is Continue reading
The Lancaster, PA474, never saw combat although it’s been flogged round the country for years, taking credit for a victory in which it had no part; like an aeronautical John Terry. Continue reading
“All that time climbing the highest mountain, running through fields, and scaling city walls, and singing a song about it for over 30 years, when I could have just looked behind the couch and found that missing moral compass” confessed well known tax expert and occasional musician Bono.
“Taking my fecking sunglasses off for 2 minutes would’ve helped as well.”
Jeremy Hunt insists the task of threatening Great Ormond Street Hospital staff is his and his alone, warning “amateurs” protesting over little Charlie Gard’s care to leave it to trained professionals, like him.
“I studied for years before taking on the role of abusing NHS staff” argues Hunt, who accepts this didn’t involve studying healthcare. “And I always have to keep my knowledge up to date, with frequent private healthcare briefings and Continue reading
“I’m much too old for football” said OJ Simpson today “and with no more Naked Gun movies planned, I’m going back to something I’m really good at – killing folks.”
The terms of Simpson’s parole mean he has to find gainful employment, so the former sportsman and actor plans to resume taking other people’s lives.
“Obviously I can’t do more armed robberies, that’s why was in the slammer in the first place” said the actor twice nominated for the most wooden delivery “but I’ve never been convicted of murder so that’s not off-limits.”
Simpson says the big adjustment for him now will be killing for money, rather than revenge, but others disagree with that assessment.
“I’ve seen his film work” said Harold’s own former Bond girl, Emilie Bourdain. “It may seem astonishing but he got paid for that shit and he’s certainly murdered a few scripts in his time.”
There has been shock and anger from members of the public and other Goodies after the BBC revealed today that William “Bill” Oddie is its highest-paid performer, currently on £14 million per year despite not having had a BBC show since 2008.
Many people expected details of stars’ salaries to seem excessive, but few were prepared for the riches lavished on the lesser-spotted Oddie by a grateful BBC after a string of wildly successful bird-watching shows over the last 200 years.
BBC chairman Sir David Clementi defended Oddie’s pay, insisting: “We love Bill. The public loves Bill, and quite frankly £14 million a year is nothing, if it stops him going off and making higher-budget bird-watching programmes for Amazon.”
Lifelong BBC fan Jeremy Clarkson admitted that Oddie was “value for money” after the raft of successes the performer has brought to the channel over the years.
“If I’m honest, Bill was the reason I left the old Beeb,” he admitted this morning. “I knew deep down I’d never be able to compete, he’s always going to be the top guy. Look at all the shows – The Goodies, Bananaman, all the bird-watching stuff, obviously, and that one where they were all nudists. Was that him, or Keith Chegwin?”
“I was always so jealous, he was always the one who got all the birds.”
Former Goodie Tim-Brooke Taylor refused to comment, saying only: “If he’s worth that, then I’m a teapot.”
“And I am a teapot.”
Posting on Twitter, a spokesperson for Bill Oddie played down the huge salary, insisting it was “chickenfeed”, before adding nervously: “No, really, that’s what he uses it for. I’ve tried to stop him.”
“It was worse when we thought he was funneling all the cash into a hedge fund. Turns out it was a hedge.”
Producers of the upcoming Star Wars film have shocked moviegoers with the news that, unlike in all the previous episodes, the next generation of the Wookiee character in The Last Jedi will be male.
Some have seen this as a brave move, given that the iconic “Chewie” character was, of course, a girl, with the typical female Wookiee’s menacing grunt, but many fans are disappointed that the producers have changed what was seen as a well-established tradition.
“I’m not sexist, but this is just inverse political correctness gone mad,” complained one fan. “Everyone knows Chewie was a girl. And good-looking. Er, for a Wookiee.”
“Well that’s my childhood ruined,” complained another fan. “Nowhere in the original movies does it say anywhere that Wookiees can be male. Some things you don’t mess with.”
“What next, a male R2-D2?”
Labour have offered comfort to men so incensed by Doctor Who now starring someone who doesn’t have a musket-and-bandoliers swinging about between their legs that their own are in danger of falling off through sheer rage by assuring them that the leader of their party will always be a man. Continue reading
The PM says more people no longer managing highlights the success of her focus on cutting the number of JAMs.
“If you replay my first speech as Prime Minister, you’ll see that I promised to deliver to those who were just about managing.” said Mrs May today, responding to a Resolution Foundation report on the economy.
“And I have delivered. Fewer people just about managing means fewer children living in uncertainty. In their new, more certain status, they know exactly what they’re going to get Continue reading
In a landmark judgement, “Lord St Davids”, Rhodri Colwyn Philipps has been jailed for being a prick.
Philipps had been found guilty of being a prick at an earlier hearing, when he refused to stand up in court until being addressed as Lord St Davids.
Sentence had been adjourned until his trial on charges of sending menacing messages. He was duly convicted on Monday but generously allowed to go home and pack his tooth brush, pyjamas and Continue reading
Theresa May says she’d been shocked by the general election result, as the activists, funders, and Daily Mail journalists she’d focussed her energies upon for the previous seven weeks all promised to vote Tory.
Glowing, uncritical, daily editorials and headlines such as “Mayggy, mayggie, mayggie! In in in!”, “Boot the scrufy marxist into touch!”, and “Should evil Corbyn be tried as a traitor?” Continue reading
Facing the prospect of Brexit kicking the UK so hard it’ll be wearing its arse for a hat as Conservatives from councillors to MPs are seemingly engaged in a ‘who can blather like the most offensive bubbly-jock’ contest while Michael Gove and Boris Johnson are like just out there, you know, loose, a frantic Theresa May has opted to turn the Tories off and on again in the hope that’ll fix all their and her problems. Continue reading
As tagging scheme proves as useless as him, Chris Grayling “still certain” he must have done something right at MoJ
The f%cknugget against whom every other f%cknugget is measured, the gold standard f%cknugget Chris Grayling, is sure he did something right as Justice Minister.
“To give you a clue about his competence,” said a weary MoJ insider “when Michael Gove took over here and reversed many of Chris’ decisions, he seemed like Continue reading
Work and Pensions minister, David Gauke says the DWP has made great strides towards eliminating a cash-in-hand society for the disabled.
“Obviously, some of them do still have some cash but Rome wasn’t built in a day and we’ve plans to siphon that off Continue reading