Trump takes credit for sun coming up this morning

trump hat

Night, or hat too big, Donald?

After taking credit for a new car factory which had been planned for years, Donald Trump has also insisted that a strongly-worded midnight tweet complaining about the dark was responsible for the sun coming up this morning.

The tweet, which was sent last night, read “World all dark now! Terrible!”

Mere hours after this, the sun rose again, making Trump’s supporters jubilant.

“Not even President yet, and he’s already brought forth a giant glowing ball in the East!” said one, adding “He’s done more to end night-time than Obama did in eight years!”

Cynics pointing out that the sun was likely to come up anyway have been met with derision and called “typical liberal intellectuals” or “Hollywood elite”.

The onset of dusk this evening did little to dampen Trump’s sense of achievement. Taking to Twitter again, he explained the likely cause of the sudden darkness, saying: “Getting dark again – all Obama’s fault! So sad!”

 

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Hunt caught out by winter coming just 12 months after the last one

The Prime Minister Considers His First Cabinet Reshuffle

The last winter was just 12 months ago, who knew there’d be another so soon?

Jeremy Hunt says the current NHS crisis is due to a freak meteorological event, known to scientists as ‘winter’.

The hapless health secretary, floundered around various TV studios yesterday, so that journalists and Piers Morgan could take turns to twat him with facts.

“I, err, don’t want to blind you with science” stammered Mr Hunt “but, ahem … ‘Winter is caused by the axis of the Earth in that hemisphere being oriented away from the Sun [3]’. Continue reading

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Donald Trump and Boris Johnson to star in new Dumb and Dumber movie

trump and trumper

Remind us, which one’s Dumber?

Boris Johnson has flown to America to star with Donald Trump in the new Dumb and Dumber movie, sources confirmed today.

The movie, titled Dumb and Dumber 4 – Trump and Trumper will tell the story of  two unintelligent friends from who set out on a cross-country trip  to return a briefcase full of stolen votes to their rightful owner, only to be pursued by a group of Russian hackers.

“The pair’s childish antics will have everyone in stitches, as we all marvel at how two adult human beings could be so relentlessly stupid,” said a spokesperson.

“Then they’ll start filming the movie.”

 

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Plans to cut NHS bed-blocking by increasing death-rate ‘a bit behind schedule’ admits Hunt

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“Just a few cold snaps and they’ll be dropping like flies. Fingers crossed.”

Jeremy Hunt admits the mild winter has played havoc with his planned cash-flow patient-throughput.

“We can usually count on a couple of cold snaps by early January, and for the past few years, the Iain Duncan Smith effect,” said the failed marmalade salesman “which clears a lot of the deadwood out of the system. Plus, it frees up housing stock, most of it quite shabby. Which is good for Wickes, B&Q and DIY SOS.”

“Anyway, it’s what I like to call win-win. Like winning a general election, followed by Jeremy Corbyn winning the Labour leadership election. Which seems to be how I manage to get away with this. I still have to pinch myself from time to time, but it’s true. Amazing isn’t it?”

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Oops. After learning CIA also does his security, Trump tweets “I’m a big fan”

trump-phone

“How do I say I’m sorry without saying I’m sorry?”

Donald Trump has at last learned the US security agencies he’s slagged off are the very people who shield him from idiots even more deranged than his own supporters.

“Goddam! Really?” asked the orange pussy-grabber “I thought Kevin Costner and Clint Eastwood were doing it. And that other one. The big black guy who said he’d take a bullet for Kevin Kline. You remember, when Kevin was President for a few months, back in the 90s.” Continue reading

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Church sues Heinz for turning innocent poster into ketchup logo

Do you want friars with that?

Do you want friars with that?

The American church of Saint Tom the Martyr in Tennessee is taking legal action against the enormous Kraft Heinz Company after belatedly realising that the food manufacturer had stolen its logo for the last 140 years and used it on a sauce bottle.

The famous emblem of the church (pictured) shows a stylised version of the cross in green, representing rebirth, against a red background, clearly meant to show the blood of the saviour.

The two red dots represent either the wounds made by the nails which held Jesus to the cross, or a pair of ripe tomatoes, depending on the interpretation.

The logo was a favourite design of pilgrims hundreds of years ago, and has been on display outside the church since 1875.

It was apparently only months later that food entrepreneur Henry Heinz spotted it and realised in a flash that he should add a tomato sauce to his portfolio.

“I saw the ‘catch-up’ line and it rang a bell, somehow,” he explained in his memoir I Copied The Ketchup Logo Off A Church Sign.

“The I saw the ‘lettuce’ and ‘relish’ lines, and that just clicked somehow.”

“But I still had no idea what flavour to make the relish until I read the last line – ‘Cuz He loves me from my head to-ma-toes’ – then it hit me, of course!”

“And after a year of making revolting head flavour relish, I thought I might as well try tomatoes instead. And there we are.”

“Lucky, really.”

As the matter is now in the hands of the lawyers, there was no comment from the church leader, the enigmatic Pastor Mayonnaise.

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DWP on MS woman’s lost benefits “if she could squeeze a thumb, why not a trigger & work as a killer?”

damiangreen

The name’s Green, Damian Green: licenced to harass

Outraged DWP assessors found that Mel Wiseman, a woman with MS, had rejected work as an internationaal assassin, despite being able to grip someone’s thumb.

“She was assessed last year as a malingerer, who might have taken any number of jobs.” said Damian Green, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions.

“Scalextric test driver, banana ripeness officer or, with her specialist Continue reading

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Rolf Harris only musician to agree to play at Trump Inauguration

trump harris

Two little toys out of shot

Relieved Republican Party officials have finally persuaded a musician to perform at Donald Trump’s Presidential Inauguration – the well-loved Australian chart-topper Rolf Harris.

GOP insiders had been increasingly nervous that no top-ranking stars would agree to take part, after angry refusals from everyone who’s been on television in the last 70 years.

Absolutely everyone famous you’ve ever heard of respectfully declined their invitation to attend the ceremony, explaining that they had a sore throat, scheduling difficulties, and they thought Trump was an asshole.

Fortunately, the terms of Rolf’s open prison meant he was able to step in at short notice, ensuring Trump’s supporters would get the kind of entertainment they deserve.

It is believed that the star will be performing a set packed with favourites, including Two Little Boys, Tie me Kangaroo Down Sport, and I’m Jake the Peg (Grab them by the Pussy).

There have of course been concerns that associating with such an unpleasant character might be bad publicity, but Rolf is said to be fairly relaxed about this, provided Trump doesn’t get too close.

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Rabbits commemorate death of Richard Adams by f*cking all day

Rampant rabbit

Rampant rabbit

Rabbits everywhere plan to mark the death of Watership Down author Richard Adams by having sex enthusiastically all day, it has been revealed.

Adams died on Christmas Eve aged 96. His famous rabbit novel, first published in 1972, became one of the bestselling children’s books of all time, selling tens of millions of copies.

As the sad news sunk in, burrows and warrens across the country fell silent today, apart from the faint sound of frenzied bunny intercourse.

“It’s a sad blow for all of us,” said Cowpat, a four-year-old buck from a warren near Honiton in Devon.

“I personally plan to commemorate his passing by shagging anything that moves until I fall asleep, after which I’ll nibble a carrot and start again.”

“It’s what he would have wanted. This one’s for you Richard! And this one. And this one.”

Buttock, a two-year-old white doe from Sussex, added: “My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.”

“Fancy a shag?”

 

 

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Filed under Nature, Obituary, Sex

Kickstarter campaign launched to send Death on holiday

Hello Sandman fans, you're looking lovely today

Hello Sandman fans, you’re looking lovely today

As more famous people who everyone really liked die and obituary writers everywhere call in sick with exhaustion, a Kickstarter campaign has been launched to pay for the Grim Reaper to go on holiday so us mere mortals can have a break from miserableness. Continue reading

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Generation Z delighted 80% of middle-aged Brits are fat, drunk and unhealthy

What the average fifty-something couple looks like to a twenty year old.

What the average fifty-something couple looks like to a twenty year old.

Those born in the mid-nineties or after, Generation Z, are more bouncy and loud than ever following the release of a government report which states that just 20% of middle-aged people are healthy and the rest lie more awkwardly than whatever that is on top of Donald Trump’s head when talking to their GP about their lifestyle.  Continue reading

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Merry Christmas

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Ghosts of Christmas past, present and future refuse to haunt Donald Trump

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Humbug

The ghosts who for over one hundred and seventy years have been successfully haunting misanthropic rich men and getting them to see the error of their ways have refused to work their magic on Donald Trump. The ghosts’ agent, C.J.H Dickens, said that they’d been offered the gig and begged to attend by Trump’s transition team however all three have said no. Continue reading

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Adult siblings looking forward to Christmas regression row

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Tis the season to be exactly like Anne and Mary Boylen. Just swap who gets to play nug-a-nug with Henry VIII for who gets to keep the remote control and there’s literally no difference #FACT

Adults across the country are happily preparing to return to their parents’ homes and resume fighting with their brothers and sisters in the most petulant and immature way possible. Continue reading

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Man thinks his colleagues are genuinely interested in his plans for Christmas

bored3

“Don’t bother minuting this, love.”

A man clearly believes his colleagues really want to know his Chistmas plans, after a casual question yesterday led him to give ten minutes of PowerPoint guff about it in today’s staff meeting.

Harold Tesco Express manager, Paul Watts says “my guys” were fascinated that his in-laws will arrive late Christmas Eve and stay until Tuesday, although  Continue reading

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Welcome break from complexities of Islamic terrorism provided by Nigel Farage being balls out awful

ukip-leader-nigel-farage

“Nationalism is an infantile thing. It is the measles of mankind” – Einstein

The something nasty in the nation’s woodshed, Nigel Farage, has united people across the political spectrum by being deeply unpleasant.

“The world seems more violent and confusing than ever,” said parish councillor, Nina O’Neill. “Thanks then to Nigel Farage for being entirely vile and bringing us all together with a rallying cry of ‘hark at this arsehole, can you believe what he’s just said?’” Continue reading

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Glastonbury moving every year ‘to hide from Coldplay’

Revellers flock to new venue

Revellers flock to new venue

The Glastonbury festival will henceforth be changing location every year in an attempt to prevent Coldplay from finding it, it has been announced.

The music festival has been running successfully since 1970 but has been plagued in recent times by a reoccurring outbreak of Coldplay, causing stress and discomfort for many attendees.

Coldplay first performed at Glastonbury in 1927, and have headlined the main stage every year since then, apart from a gap for the last war, when they played the acoustic tent.

“I’m a tolerant man,” insisted founder Michael Eavis, “But I’ve finally had enough.”

“We’ve made it too easy for them to find us, staying in the same place over the years. In 1972 we tried to confuse them by hiding the stage behind a plant pot, but by the Sunday they’d found it.”

“Next year we’re putting the entire festival under a hedge in Wales, and I’ll be buggered if I’m telling them where.”

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Mice opt to restore Earth to an earlier point and run 2016 again

capture

At this point would anyone mind if the Vogons turned up and did their thing?

Mice, the hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional beings who paid for the computer we all live on, have decided to hit system restore and run 2016 again. Continue reading

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Heimlich manoeuvre inventor dies after getting stuck in lion’s throat

"It's more of a gesture"

Heimlich and Ralph, in happier times

US doctor Henry Heimlich, who invented the manoeuvre used to help victims of choking, has died aged 96 after getting lodged in the throat of a lion who was attempting to eat him.

Dr Heimlich expired in the Lion Enclosure of Cincinnati Zoo late on Saturday night after undertaking an ill-advised bet that he could perform his manoeuvre on an actual lion before the age of 97.

Spectators watched in horror as ‘Ralph’, a 400-lb Kalahari lion seized a clearly drunk Heimlich in its jaws and attempted to swallow him whole. Tragically, the former doctor proved too large to fit comfortably down the animal’s throat, leading to the death of both Heimlich and Ralph.

“It’s what he would have wanted,” sobbed a friend. “Being the actual object which caused a fatal choking incident, it’s just so appropriate, somehow.”

“I imagine his only regret would have been that there wasn’t actually anyone around to perform his manoeuvre on the lion. But you can’t have everything.”

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Filed under Food, Medicine, Nature

Uncertainty over if today you can legit ‘Christmas eat’ or not

Festive Fayre

A healthy and nutritious dinner for one

The village is divided this evening on whether or not today is the day you can eat and booze like Falstaff on a bender without being accused of self-harm.

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