As a second vote on whether or not to shoot the country in the head, foot and anus just to get blue passport covers looks a little more likely – “EU says door is open for Brexit decision to be reversed” Guardian. “All grown up: child fair game for our paps now she’s hit sixteen” Daily Mail – Leave supporters are casting their swivel-eyes around to find an even bigger lie to write on the side of a bus just in case it’s needed in a future referendum. Continue reading
The Republican Circus had hoped to cash in on it’s giant primate Donald who has amazed American people with his ability to exhibit rudimentary signs of human behaviour. The orange-u-tan can grunt and sniff as a form of speaking, and perhaps more controversially, some say Donald has the ability to communicate simple concepts through tweeting.
The right wing social commentator and odious arse, Toby Young, has been resigned from his position on the university regulator, the Office for Students.
“If we are to stand up as the Conservative party for what is right,” he told the BBC, casting himself in the role of a noble man nobly falling on his sword, “we also have to accept when we have made a mistake.”
He then set his pudgy jaw, gazed into the middle distance and checked with John Humphrys about his pose. “Have you got my best profile” Continue reading
Homeless people in Windsor say their livelihoods are under threat as rumours circulate of a street-level takeover by a ruthless gang of highly professional beggars.
“The gang all claim to be members of a single yet extraordinarily extended family,” said Windsor Vagrants’ spokesperson Lindsay Tarsal. “What we do know is they use various aliases, often chosen to sound like your local. The Duke of Kent, the Prince of Wales, the Pig and Whistle… oh, hang on, that last one was David Cameron.”
“So now they’re heading down our way and all of a sudden, who would’ve guessed it, lo and behold, what’s their name now, ah, The Windsors of course, poncing about as though they own the place.”
Teachers at Harold’s St Mary’s primary school are planning an overhaul of the curriculum following claims by a professor at Osaka University that fairytale princes in Snow White and Sleeping Beauty are sex offenders.
“You might look at Sleeping Beauty and see a chaste, curse-breaking kiss, but apparently what’s going on is a quasi-compulsive obscene sexual act on an unconscious partner” said Headteacher Alison Lee. “We can’t be explaining that sort of thing to our Reception class, I can’t even spell Continue reading
Transport Secretary Chris Grayling says commuters unhappy with rail price hikes should consider buying a second home on expenses.
“When rail fares went up, you didn’t see me moaning. No, I did the sensible thing and got the public to buy me another house. Quite why passengers can’t do the same is beyond me, are they all Corbyn Continue reading
Stopped clock that doesn’t tell the right time twice a day, Theresa May, will not be visited by a fourth ghost this year due to the utter pointlessness of the gesture. Continue reading
Despite tosh spouted by idiots, losing a loved one to cancer, being made redundant, or finding oneself stuck in a lift with Piers Morgan aren’t made worse by the event’s proximity to 25th December, research has found.
“Any of those is a bugger” agreed project lead Dr Rachel Guest “though Morgan would be especially unwelcome, particularly in the run up to … no forget that”.
Guest found other evidence-free folk beliefs were common amongst those surveyed.
“One man’s mum had died the day before and he insisted ‘there’s a new star in the firmament today’ whilst pointing at Eridanus-Capricon vii, a massive ball Continue reading
Theresa May has reassured the public that despite the ‘resignation’ of Damian Green, the government is still wall-to-wall wankers.
In a stiffly-worded statement, May insisted that with the likes of Gove, Johnson, Davies and Hunt still around, you could hardly toss a brick in the cabinet without hitting a wanker, and that’s without even mentioning Liam Fox.
“It’s nonetheless a real jerk that Mr Green has decided he cannot wait a moment longer before shooting off”, she ejaculated wildly.
“When I first heard the news, I confess I was sitting there with my head in my hands, as, presumably, was Damian Green.”
“Nevertheless, I’m certain there will be a queue of ministers keen to fill his position. It’s an attractive role in my government, and after all, Green had just splashed out on a new desk.”
The Daily Mail’s Editor, Paul Dacre has been detained under the Mental Health Act, after MPs voted to have the final say on Brexit.
“He lasted an hour once the news broke.” said Mail journalist and physical embodiment of the argument for banning public schools, Quentin Letts, a man who might bum your cat and then expect you to thank him.
“When Paul’s dribble turned to foam we contacted emergency social services, which was ironic as we’d just made up a story about all social workers being Continue reading
The UK premiere of The Darkest Hour, the latest biopic of Winston Churchill, brings with it fresh calls for a woman to play the part of the legendary British wartime leader.
“Gary Oldman is certainly a great actor” says Evening Harold film critic, Mariella Buss-Stop “but you can’t escape the fact that he’s still another middle-aged white man. And how they let him onto Air Force One Continue reading
A booze war was brewing in Harold last night, after Viking, Nils Østergård, submitted an application to Harold’s Licensing and Planning departments for ‘pop-up, artisanal, mead Shoppes’
Mr Østergård told The Evening Harold, “We’ve been brewing our own mead at our micro-brewery site for a number of years now, and had been content with only supplying our product for Viking social events.” Looking ruggedly, and wistfully, out over the River Gluggle, he continued, “But as the trend for arsey, over-priced bottles of ale with twigs in has grown, so has our Viking desire to take over the world. In this case, it’s the world of poncy alcoholic drinks. Our selection of meads are available in both bottles and animal horns, and we’d like to remind our customers to rape and pillage responsibly.” Continue reading
England’s pub brawlers are facing another crisis, as yet another member of the squad has been suspended, pending an inquiry into an alleged incident of cricketing.
Earlier in the troubled tour, Jonny Bairstow was accused of ‘wicket-keeping’ when he should have been head-butting one of the Australian team. However, even before the team left the UK England’s talismanic all-rounder Ben Stokes, was captured by security cameras, playing French-cricket in Continue reading
Following a frantic last 48 hours of shuttle-diplomacy, Theresa May has finally managed to concede to almost all of the EU negotiators’ demands.
“It wasn’t easy and at any moment there was a danger I might not give in.” explained an obviously tired Prime Minister “Of course I could have agreed these terms months ago but I’m no pushover, so I held out to the last minute before caving Continue reading
Donald Trump says recognising Jerusalem as Israel’s capital has gone very well. “It’s all gone very well” he said today.
“Some folks said there’d be riots, all that sort of thing but nothing’s happening out there, I know that for sure, and everything’s gone very well.”
Right wing US Christian fundamentalists have welcomed the move from their almost-beyond-satirising Continue reading
David Davis told the EU select committee this morning that he’d ‘completely forgot’ to do his EU homework which was set for him 15 months ago.
Last week Mr Davis handed in a huge set of papers with lots of crossings out, explaining that it was the homework but that Boris Johnson had scribbled on it.
The week before that he said his laptop had crashed and the electricity cut off at home, so he couldn’t have done it “and the dog had eaten it Continue reading