May blames Larry the Cat for election fiasco – puts him in a bin

Theresa May has chucked Larry the Cat in a bin saying it was his incessant meowing that persuaded her to call an early election.

“Every day at 8am and 6pm Larry would come up to me and meow and meow. He was obviously obsessed with the idea I should call an early election” said May.

“I gave him the brush-off saying ‘Larry I can’t do it – I’ve promised the British public 7 times I won’t call an early election’ but Larry just wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer” explained the PM.
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May “sanctioned” over missing Queen’s speech

Her Majesty and Mrs May in happier times

Theresa May’s benefits have been suspended, after she cancelled an appointment with the Queen at Westminster.

“Her Majesty doesn’t take such decisions lightly” said a palace spokesman “but the discipline of attending for work is important, especially for someone who’s left their job for no good reason.”

The PM walked out of her last job eight weeks ago “With no guaranteed job to go to, this was extremely reckless and she can’t expect to just carry on being paid as if nothing Continue reading

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Daily Mail regrets not being more critical of Jeremy Corbyn

Made no mention of paedophilia

Paul Dacre has concluded he might have been more critical of  Jeremy Corbyn, by at least hinting at the Labour leader’s support for paedophilia.

“It’s a weakness of mine, I guess.” confessed the Daily Mail Editor, after a weekend of rare introspection, “By always looking for the best in people, I may have let Corbyn off the hook, by mistake.”

“Yes, we said he’s a terrorist supporter and although we couldn’t prove it, reading between our lines it was clear he was behind the recent terror attacks, even if Continue reading

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Fears grow for tragic PM unable to say anything other than meaningless three word phrases

Don’t you think she looks tired?

Concerned well-wishers are gathering outside the gates of Downing Street this morning as the Prime Minister continues to sound off like a senile Furby. Continue reading

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PM sacks advisers: “those to blame must pay”

It can’t just be them. Was it you?

Mrs May has punished those to blame for the election debacle, by sacking the people she chose as her advisers.

“Nick and Fiona looked nice but behaved like thugs, which was a perfect fit for me, but they got it all wrong. What I need to know is, who advised me to hire them? Continue reading

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Paul Nuttall quits to spend more time in his imagination

Nuttall plans to spend more time on Nuttall studies after a busy summer

Paul Nuttall VC, DFC, has quit as UKIP leader, to pursue a PhD in Paul Nuttall studies.

“I’ve achieved everything I wanted to in politics, so it’s time to move on.” said Nuttall today, explaining his decision to step down after ten years as party leader.

In the short term, I’m taking a quick holiday with Richard Branson, to chat about old times, but I’ll be back to coach Andy Murray again Continue reading

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Father Christmas returns to Narnia at last

It’s starting to look a lot like Christmas

Oppressed fauns and talking beasts who’ve suffered greatly under the White Witch are this morning delighted by Father Christmas breaking her hold on their country and returning once more. Continue reading

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PM: UK is world’s 5th biggest economy but only when it suits me to say so

The UK economy is what I say it is, right? Do you want some?

Mrs May has confirmed that the UK’s economy is huge but only when she’s lying about a happy-ever-after Tory Brexit which, to be fair, is most of the time.

“We’re big players with a proud history of international trade. True, that was mostly when we had massive technological advantages, backed up with military superiority, neither of which Continue reading

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Filed under Deficit, Economy, Election 2017, News

Idiots still believe social media posts count as much as voting

“Yay, I done a ‘mocracy. Go me. See you in five years.”

Asses, fools and prating coxcombs across the UK continue to insist that posting memes is as important as voting.

“It absolutely is,” insisted part-time shelf stacker and full time social justice warrior Kat McAllister. “I’ve been posting up to twenty anti-Tory memes a day for the last three days such is my commitment to getting them out and securing a better future for us all. Will I actually go to the polling station? Nah, I haven’t got time.” Continue reading

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Cthulhu rises in order to vote Conservative

Behold its soulless eyes and wonder how it is they convey more empathy than Philip Hammond’s.

Monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and massive Ed Sheeran fan, Cthulhu, has risen from the stone city of R’lyeh to cast its vote for the Tories. Continue reading

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Family day out to Cerne Abbas Giant “ruined” by naked man

OK, let’s get this over with: Looks a bit of a prick. Happy now?

A family’s half term trip to Dorset has ended in tears thanks to the streaking antics of an as yet unidentified thrill seeker.

Richard and Beatrice Cooper, with their young children Dorcas (6) and Wilbur (3) had hoped to take advantage of the school holiday and get some culture in the South West. Staying in Dorchester, they had ‘edutainment’ visits to the Dinosaur Museum, Tank Museum and Max Gate planned.

Also on the itinerary was a trip to the Cerne Abbas Giant. “We’ve always been very open with the children” said Beatrice “and Dorcas is very mature for her age, so we weren’t worried about her seeing the Giant, or his enormous todger. And of course Wilbur has a willy of his own, he knows it’s nothing to giggle about.”

But their hope for historical edification was left in tatters when a naked man streaked across the chalked turf. Richard was horrified. “I had just passed Dorcas the binoculars so that she could take in the full majesty of the iconic erection when it happened. She was in tears. A controversial chalk boner is historical gold, but a random flaccid member bobbing over the fields? It’s too much.”

Local neopagans are disgusted by the streaker, and have sworn to perform “ceremonies” to cleanse the site of unwanted nudity.

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Filed under Culture, Holidays, News

PM vows to reverse Police cuts of David Cameron’s “dreadful” Home Secretary

Does anyone know who this dreadful Home Secretary was?

Theresa May says although the current Home Secretary Amber Rudd is doing a fine job, David Cameron’s choice was “dreadful, a disaster who missed every major target for over seven years”.

Mrs May vowed to reverse the un-named woman’s worst decisions, starting with the huge cuts in Police funding.

“Clearly, she wasn’t up to it. The instant she moved on, Amber, an altogether more capable woman, got the job.”

It’s not only security failures says May, who accused the last two governments of “being asleep at the wheel” Continue reading

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May confirms “difficult decisions” means difficult for someone else

“They’re difficult decisions for you, not for me.” says May

The PM says ensuring she’s not personally hurt by her own decisions is what makes them so difficult to make.

“For example, emergency service cuts might affect me, if applied across the board, as if everyone’s of equal value. I had to make it clear that my protection is their top priority.”

“Also, with my husband being in the money-juggling business, it was crucial to allow weasels to hide their cash overseas, so I didn’t suffer.” said the PM. “It wasn’t easy but tough decisions never are. With the help of Paul Dacre’s relentless focus on benefit claimants though, Continue reading

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Trump grabs planet by the pussy

But…but he seems so nice

The world continues to act surprised in the wake of an elderly sociopath proving that he has no regard for others or the future. Continue reading

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No mercy for voters as election campaign enters 4380th day

We choose him, her, other him, all of them, none of them, whatever, just please make it stop

Jaded voters are this morning facing another long and weary day of being campaigned at by politicians who are as in touch with how rest of us live as the Queen is with the latest beefs on the grime scene. While technically this build up to the nation going to the polls has lasted no longer than any other, many are reporting that it feels as if it’s been going on for at least twelve years. Continue reading

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Smug Tories calling an early election and losing could exhaust world’s schadenfreude supply

The world will probably run out of schadenfreude if the smug Tory ploy of calling an early election backfires and they lose, experts warn.

“As the polls tighten, we’ve raised our schadenfreude alert to ‘critical'” said a Westminster source. “The smiles getting wiped off the faces of Theresa May, Boris Johnson, and the rest of the Tories will be a serious test of our schadenfreude reserves, as will joy in the implosion of the Daily Mail.”

“But it’s the sheer unadulterated pleasure of seeing Tony Blair’s sad face as Jeremy Corbyn becomes PM that means we won’t just run out of schadenfreude, we’ll likely run out of schadenorgasm as well.”
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Katy Hopkins: Shit gets flushed

Shit flushed away

Katy Hopkins, the giant festering turd on the UK’s online news stand, has given Britain the shot in the arm it needs by getting sacked for being herself.

By any measure, this week has been a shitty one for Britain. Innocents slaughtered at a music concert, just for being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong man.

Grown up politicians, who really should know better, paused from making up stuff about themselves and others, but for only a couple of days.

Roger Moore, Continue reading

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“Bollocks to it, you sort it out” PM asks the Doctor to fix everything

Nardole, the Doctor and Bill: we’ve more faith in these three than we do in Rudd, May and Johnson

With the threat level at Gadsbudlikins! and the NHS on its knees plus Debatable being on all the damn time, Theresa May has ceased to be strong or stable and asked the Doctor to make everything shiny again.
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EU Brexit team suffering from hysterical laughter after May’s U-turn

EU negotiators when the news first broke. Medics were called soon after

EU Brexit negotiators are making a good recovery in hospital, after Mrs May’s U-turn on social care funding left their team helpless with laughter and struggling to remain upright.

Speaking from his hospital bed, the EU’s top Brexit negotiator, Michael Barnier wiped tears from his cheeks and said the team should be home by the weekend, “provided that Theresa stays out of the news”.

Unfortunately, even as Barnier was speaking, a colleague from a bed further down the ward called out “Strong and stable” in an irritating voice, reducing them both to quivering jellies Continue reading

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Lib Dems will be ‘victims of apathy’ predicts Harold stoner

A typical village stoner

Pinning hopes for Lib Dem election success on the decriminalisation of marijuana may be flawed logic says a village stoner.

“Most of the time we’re too stoned to remember to put things in our diaries,” said the smoker.  “Anyway, politicians are power-crazed liars, who’ll tell you anything.”

The dope smoking community is also wary that someone is trying to pull a fast one on them.

“So, they want us to register to vote for this?  So is that like your name and address and stuff?  Yeah, thought so, and the next thing you know is someone’s knocking on your door init.  Get lost.”

Nick Clegg meanwhile has been explaining more details of the marijuana policy. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Crime, Drugs, Election 2017, Lifestyle, Politics