That’ll learn you for blaming me for stiff joints & bad tv reception. Twats.”
After several months in which temperatures have fluctuated wildly between unseasonably warm and freezing, with added storms, gale force winds, fog, and torrential rain, the British weather has confirmed what many of us thought: it’s mucking about “for shits and giggles”.
“Over the years, I’ve come to realise that I’m being blamed for loads of stuff that’s not really my fault” said the weather. “Traffic jams, power cuts, crop failures, rises in the cost of house insurance. It started to piss me off. You need to take some responsibility for your own poor infrastructure and Continue reading
It takes a couple of minutes to properly check a bonfire. It takes a lot longer to recover from a hedgehog shoving a rocket up your arse and then lighting it
Hedgehogs in Harold have vowed not to be the victims this weekend and will fire rockets at anyone stupid enough to light a bonfire without first checking that no hedgehogs are snoozing in it.
“We consistently top polls to find Britain’s most beloved creature – in your face badgers, you stripey no mates -” said Twitchy Pete, leader of Harold’s hedgehog community. “So it is not okay to cook us in bonfires like spiky baked potatoes and claim it was unavoidable.” Continue reading
UK nuclear command prepare for the night shift.
A weekend IMHO poll has revealed that most people feel relaxed about our nuclear warheads being under the control of wide-awake clear-thinking coke-snorting top-flight gamers, and that this is way preferable to President Trump having his finger on the big button.
“These guys in the submarine are best in class when it comes to video war games,” said Harold teenager Kevin Ronsson. “They’ve got hand-eye coordination like you wouldn’t believe and they’re so sharp-brained they can beat you at chess with one hand while fending off incoming with the other. Whereas Trump is more like a thick dickhead, still stuck on level 1 in Hungry Horace.”
Hammond slips the bill into Cameron’s pocket.
Tory Chancellor Philip Hammond may be dreaming up secret plans to get former PM and Chief Engineer of National Division David Cameron to cough up for his treachery and pay the Brexit Bill in full on behalf of the UK people.
“It’s all very well Cameron saying Oh sorry, that didn’t go to plan, byeee,” Hammond told Mrs May, “but he still has to take his share of the responsibility, which is…” pausing to consult his calculator, “one hundred percent of it.”
Be worth buying just to get that splendid flag
Beautiful day you have to spend indoors made flesh, Philip Hammond, faces embarrassment over a leaked dossier which reveals that his only plan for keeping the United Kingdom afloat post-Brexit is to start selling bits off. Continue reading
Chris managed to beat off rivals to secure a post with the family firm.
Tory MP, whip and all-round know-it-all Chris Heaton-Harris, has written to all home-schooling parents, asking them to send him copies of their lesson plans, with particular reference to Brexit.
“There’s no hurry,” says Heaton-Harris “but shall we say next Monday at the latest? As half-term actually ends on Friday afternoon.”
The popular government whip likes people to justify their position in society and has written to all the nation’s educators, partly because time hangs heavy on his hands as an MP but mostly because Continue reading
Astride the blue recycling bin
Snails have been feeling upbeat today after moving up a rung on the evolutionary ladder, according to a new study using the Brexit negotiations as a benchmark.
“Talk about deja vu,” said John Snail. “I’ve been all the way to the bins and back and the talks still haven’t moved. I’ve seen grass grow faster. It would be quicker if I set off to France myself and negotiated a deal with an escargot. It would probably be a better deal too. And with less slime.”
They’ll thank me later. They always do.
Ukippers and other idiots are still keen on giving the UK a damned hard brexit, often waking early, drenched in various bodily fluids, after a night spent fantasising about it.
With the referendum won, right-wingers are managing their otherwise empty internal worlds by dreaming of giving us all a really good brexiting. “The UK may say be saying ‘no’ but I know better,” explained Continue reading
Paul Dacre: editor of the Daily Mail. We could add more but that first sentence seems damming enough.
Staff at the Daily Mail – think of the Minions from Despicable Me then imagine it being remade in Hell – are bouncing into work this morning ready for the start of Poppy Hunting Season which runs from now until 11th November during which they attack anyone in the public eye who isn’t wearing a poppy at all times.
with hindsight, the Corgi Aston Martin was probably a mistake,
After the Tory conference security lapse, when a poorly advised comic came within just a few feet of Lee Nelson, red-faced MI6 chiefs have now found that James Bond, previously thought to be their most secret agent, is actually very well known.
“Our suspicions were raised when we found Commander Bond had his own theme tune.” said actor and former head of MI6, Dame Judy Dench.
“It transpired we had a mole. Everyone seemed to be expecting him when he showed up at their secret lair, even when he arrived by parachute. Continue reading
“I’m sorry we got found out.” He looks a bit Nixony to us
Grey man in a grey suit, David Gauke, says once negative publicity reached ‘critical’, he decided to stop charging benefit claimants 55p a minute for DWP helplines.
“We’re listening and we care,” said DWP minister Gauke, supressing a snigger. “care about being found out, that is. Now we’ll go back to the drawing board and find other, less obvious ways of punishing people for claiming benefits.”
“It can’t be that hard. Iain Duncan Smith ran the DWP for years and he needs both hands to find his arse Continue reading
Filed under DWP, Politics
Combined wealth: tens of millions. Combined empathy: zero
A Downing Street official has confirmed that the Cabinet are giddy with delight as they prepare to vote against pausing the rollout of Universal Credit which is predicted to push over a million children into poverty by 2020 and at least double homelessness. Continue reading
Move, Phil, move! Is he there?
‘Philip Hammond says that thanks to sound Tory economics, Britain’s Tory voting OAPs are to get a whopping 3% increase in state pensions in 2018.
“Make no mistake, this is great news for the UK.” said the Chancellor speaking from in front of a bright background, so as to be seen.
Nicknamed ‘Dustsheet Phil’ due to his fondness for keeping offshore investments covered up, Continue reading
One of the posher hermits from the Oxford area. He also owns a holiday cave in Cornwall.
The inner peace of live-alone enthusiasts was shattered last night when their AGM was infiltrated by a quiet gang of introverts, intent on spreading apprehension and a general sense of unease.
“It was difficult enough getting the invitations out to the many caves and iron-age huts scattered throughout the land without post codes,” said Lionel Garage, who hosted the event in a barn on his farm.
“Trying to persuade hermits to come out of their shells for a knees-up once a year is a nightmare in itself, but when the event gets gate-crashed by other groups of a-social beings, you’ve got an impotent mix of self-examination in a non-interactive community. It was almost a metaphor for the Brexit negotiations.”
That feeling you get when you bang your funny bone made flesh and given a Cabinet position, Jeremy Hunt, is a clear threat to the nation’s wellbeing but is banning him from turning up at hospitals whenever he feels like it the solution to preventing a winter health crisis? Continue reading
‘Do as I say, not as I do. Got it? Or do you want bog-washing?”
Ofsted, which kicks schools round the playground if they don’t do well in tests set by psychopaths who can’t cut the mustard in the classroom, has told schools to ‘Do as I say, not as I do’.
“When we go into schools we have a battery of tests to administer.” said head of Ofsted Amanda Spielman “Or to put it another way, we have tests to administer with battery. Yes, that’s Continue reading
It’s the ‘merican way
In the latest war of who is the cleverest in the White House, Rex Tillerson today publically challenged Donald Trump to a televised live game of Ker Plunk, with the winner being crowned “Bestest man at everything in the world ever ever for infinity time”.
Trump has historically been the one to tweet playground challenges to rivals, having issued an IQ test challenge to Tillerson yesterday there followed a huge media panic until it was cleared up that the tweet directed at Kim Jong-Un Continue reading
“So I lost the codes. It’s no big deal.”
The White House was in meltdown today following President Trump’s tweet “OMG I lost the codes!” only hours before he was due to declare all-out nuclear war on N Korea.
“These things happen,” he tweeted.
Working on the theory the codes may have been stolen by a pickpocket working for the enemy, all of Trump’s fingers were pointing at a single suspect. Continue reading
Ouch A nice little earner.
From 2018, all tar and stone chipping resurfacing will be paid for by the UK’s windscreen replacement businesses.
“We’re just formalising the setup that’s worked for years where, instead of government paying an extra £300 per day for a road roller, motorists happily sacrifice their cars’ bodywork and windscreens.” said Transport Secretary Chris Grayling, one of the few MPs who can make Iain Duncan Smith seem Continue reading
Signs of the times. Come on, get moving!
After finally tracking down the magic money tree in the back garden of 10 Downing Street, the government believes what the housing market really needs is not, as idiots might think, more homes but an injection of cash into the market to help home owners, like your gran, feel happier as prices rise.
“But it’s not just elderly Daily Mail readers who’ll benefit from a £10bn boost in house price inflation,” said Theresa May “No, some Continue reading
Filed under Housing, News