Man’s colleagues ‘not remotely interested’ in his new Golf GT

We get confused between GT, GTi, and GiT

Colleagues of Alec Fairchild no longer even look up when, unprompted, he raises vital issues such as his VW Golf’s 0-60 times.

“Did I tell you it’s the GT model?” he asks most days, whilst his co-workers stare fixedly at their computers.

Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold, likes to share the burden of his condition with people at work, who don’t have the option of suddenly remembering an urgent appointment Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Motoring, News

Trump sacks attorney general for refusing to wear shoe with a retractable blade

Defiant attorney general Sally Yates claims that whilst she was neutral on her stance about travel restrictions for some Muslim nationals, the reason that she was sacked was purely footwear related.

“Trump insisted that I start to wear ugly 1970’s flat shoes, very unlike his usual preference to 6” heels, and when I tried one on, a weird blade shot out of the front of it.” Ms Yates told us. “Fashion aside, it’s hardly practical, so I politely declined to wear them, saying that they were uncomfortable on a few levels, at which point all he had to say to me was : “I’m very disappointed in you, number 3…” whatever the hell that means, I’m not sure why he was stroking that cat either.” Continue reading

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Jacob Rees-Mogg now an expert on everything, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Jacob about to critique the pointing on this Cotswold stone wall

Condescending prick, Jacob Rees-Mogg, probably spoiled yesterday, for you as well as for us, by oiling his way round TV and Radio studios, instead of actually doing the job we pay him for.

As an MP, Rees-Mogg has no set hours or duties so, instead of working on some constituency business, he feels entitled to swan around news and current affairs studios from dawn to dusk.

Early risers heard him on Radio 4’s ‘Today’, whilst it was still dark, both outside your house and inside Rees- Mogg’s heart, and he was still Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, News, USA

Disaster looms as Trump under impression Theresa May is Russian call girl

Come and keep your comrade warm

Diplomats were left crossing their fingers today after it emerged that Donald Trump is under the impression that Theresa May is actually a high-class Russian call girl on a visit to cement relations with Moscow.

“We think it’s the coat,” explained the British ambassador in Washington. “We said ‘no Cossack’, but she just does her own thing. It’s not going to be pretty.”

He admitted that May’s opening US speech may have been ill-advised, after she departed slightly from the usual diplomatic protocol and spoke of “Bending over and taking one for my country”.

Trump was in exultant mood today. “Boy, she’s hot!” he tweeted. “Told me she already fucked 64 million people in her own country, my kind of girl!”

“Theresa May? Theresa WILL more like!”

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Trump’s aides too scared to tell him about ‘the ladder’

Just $9.99 from all good Mexican hardware stores

President Trump’s aides are frantically trying to work out how to tell their boss about ‘the ladder’ and how it is on sale for $9.99 at all good Mexican hardware stores.

“There’s no easy way to break it to him that his $8,000,000,000 wall can be scaled with a $9.99 ladder” confided a desperate aide who wished to remain anonymous.
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Unelected PM to meet popular vote losing President to hand him UK

The rest of the sign reads “Is a myth”

Having taken back control from the EU, the UK will today give it all to the United States when Theresa May meets Donald Trump to complete Britain’s decades long march up the United States’ bottom. Continue reading

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Supreme Court 8 to 3 majority “marginal” compared with 51.9 to 48.1 says IDS

Point to your right, Iain

The feeling you get when you bite tinfoil made flesh, Iain Duncan Smith, has claimed that yesterday’s Supreme Court decision on Brexit was “marginal” he then said: “Eight to three is a tiny lead. Almost as small as the amount of shits that I give for the fatal consequences of what I did at the DWP.”
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Filed under Brexit

Brexit voters decide they don’t want a sovereign parliament after all

It’s immature but we want to caption this: ha ha ha aha ha ha. So we are

Despite claiming to love it more than racist posters and buses bedecked with lies, Brexiters are now saying that they want a sovereign parliament about as much as they want to live close to a mosque. Continue reading

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Travel agent sells Brexiter a package holiday to Xenophobia

A Dunstable travel agent asked to recommend a Greek island with lots of British food and beer and no foreigners cheekily suggested ‘Xenophobia’ only for her client to adamantly suggest he wanted to go there.

“It was a mess all of my own making” admitted Sarah from Thomson. “When he asked how far it is from Luton to Xenophobia, I shouldn’t have said ‘surprisingly close’.”
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Filed under News, Transport

Last London community dental clinic shuts because f*ck you, explain Tories

Loser

London’s last community-based A&E-style service for people needing emergency dental treatment has closed because fuck you, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has confirmed.

NHS England’s closure of the “urgent dental service” in Kentish Town will leave the capital’s 8.7 million residents with nowhere to go in an emergency apart from A&Es who do not have dentists, and GPs who are not dentists.

“If you’re poor, you’re a bit fucked, yes,” confirmed Hunt this morning. “The message we’re really trying to get over is ‘fuck you’ if you can’t afford to go private.”

A Conservative party spokesman pointed out that there remained several options for poor families facing urgent dental problems.

“If it’s a broken tooth or something, best get it out quick,” he explained. “In our case studies of actual poor people, we’ve found that tying a bit of string to the bad tooth and the other end to a door handle before vigorously slamming the door is an effective and economic way method of extraction.”

“It works easily one time in three, more if the patient is tied to a bed.”

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Filed under Health, idiots

Women marchers should protest in Saudi Arabia where they’re treated even more badly, say idiots

Why protest Trump while there are evil badgers?

The million or so women who took to the streets to protest against Donald Trump should have marched in Saudi Arabia instead because things are even worse there, according to idiots on Facebook.

The protests have arisen from a widespread repugnance at Trump’s racism, aggression and abuse of women, but that doesn’t count because in some other countries they have stoning, idiots argue.

“I think they’ve got a nerve,” announced Steve Goughlin of somewhere in Ohio probably. “Don’t they know that women get badly treated somewhere else? Why aren’t they there? Pussies.”

When it was pointed out to idiots that this meant no-one could ever protest against anything unless they were in the worst situation in the world, idiots disagreed.

“Not just this world!” clarified Goughlin. “Why, according to the many-universes multiverse hypothesis, there’s a planet in some random dimension where all the women are eaten alive by badgers EVERY DAY!”

“And when you ask why these women aren’t protesting there, they just don’t have an answer.”

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Filed under Badgers, US Elections

Trump begins rollback of progress, tide

The tide of history…

New US President Donald Trump has begun the process of undoing any laws he doesn’t agree with, including the Affordable Care Act, same-sex marriage and the incoming tide.

“We want to waste no time getting this proud country back to where it used to be,” explained Trump to an audience of Russian journalists.

“That basically means rolling back anything progressive that’s happened in the last few decades.”

“To illustrate this by means of a giant salty metaphor, I will this afternoon sit on the beach and command the tide not to come in.”

“For too long, ordinary Americans have been forced to watch the tide cover their proud beaches with its briny wetness, well no more. It’s going to stay out until we work out what’s going on.”

“We’re going to build a sea wall, and the ocean is going to pay for this.”

There was some scepticism that Trump would be able to deliver on his tidal manifesto, although some pointed out that if there was anyone the sea would happily avoid, it would be the new President.

As Trump headed off to the beach, his supporters chanted their new slogan: “Yes we CANUTE!”

  • Hat tip to Bob Blundell for the sea wall line.

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Filed under Nature, Politics

Bust of Winston Churchill gets up and walks out of the Oval Office

“Sir Winston, do you want to hang out with President Trump?” “Never!”

After experiencing only a few hours of the new presidential regime the bust of Winston Churchill that Donald Trump had returned to the Oval Office bellowed “bugger this for a game of soldiers” and took itself back to the British Embassy. Continue reading

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Filed under International News

Boris Johnson ‘is sure’ Europe is still fine with WW2 analogies

boris_johnson

I’m going as Winston Churchill next month

The UK’s embarrassing Foreign Secretary says EU countries are delighted to be pejoratively linked to the second World War.

Having previously got away with comparing EU ambitions with those of Hitler, Boris Johnson has tried out another one by warning the French not to give the UK “punishment beatings” for Brexit “in the manner of some World War Two movie”.

“That’ll be fine.” said the entitled old Etonian, when questioned about the wisdom of such comments with EU goodwill at a premium.

“Johny foreigner love a bit of Boris Banter. Last week I walked into the EU Foreign Affairs meeting with my hands cupped over my eyes. Like this – see, goggles – humming the Dam Busters March. Continue reading

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Filed under Europe, News, Politics

Dr Evil complains he can’t hold world to ransom when people prefer him to Trump

“I can’t even extort one frickin’ million dollars”

Dr Evil announced his retirement saying it’s no longer possible to make a living by threatening to take control of the world when people prefer that to Donald Trump being in charge.

“It’s frickin’ ridiculous, I finally develop a foolproof plan to take over the world and I can’t even get a ransom of ten thousand dollars let alone one million” said Dr Evil. “People just smile at me and say ‘better the Dr Evil you know’, and ask if I’ll pose for a photo with them.”
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Prawns sewn in curtain hems: Obama gets White House ready for Trump

11098344_1566777213573721_432835855_n

Two dogs, one underside of the Resolute Desk

Uplifting symphony about to be followed by a scab-covered plague rat farting through a dented tin whistle,  Barack Obama, is spending his remaining hours in power making the White House suitable for Donald Trump. Continue reading

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Filed under International News

Burial of last man to walk on moon was ‘obvious fake’

Fake funeral

Still more likely than Donald Trump

Following the supposed burial of Eugene Cernan, the last astronaut to walk on the moon, conspiracy theorists have pointed out a large number of inconsistencies which may mean that the whole funeral was faked.

“We don’t know exactly how they did it,” explained leading sceptic Barry Renfrew, “But if you look carefully at the official pictures there’s something  fishy about this so-called burial.”

“At first glance it looks like a perfectly normal funeral. But when you look closely, little discrepancies begin to emerge which discredit the whole thing.”

“For example, it’s clearly not raining in the scene, and yet everyone is using an umbrella. Was this actually to shield them from the harsh lights in the studio where this image was created? We can only guess.”

“On the same lines, look at the American flag. Nothing wrong with it you might think, the old Stars and Stripes.”

“But hang on – isn’t there something wrong? That’s right – it’s flying straight out, but there’s clearly no wind in the picture! What a give away!”

“The rocket looks a bit dodgy too, if I’m honest.”

“On the whole, we believe the funeral was an obvious fake, probably to put pressure on the Russians, who have yet to work out how to bury their own astronauts.”

Renfrew was quick to deny suggestions that he was actually just an over-sceptical person.

“Absolutely not. I generally believe everything. Like most people, I believe the moon landings were staged. I believe the earth is flat, and possibly on the back of a tortoise.”

“In fact, the only thing I can’t believe, is that Donald Trump is about to be President.”

“That’s GOT to be made-up.”

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Filed under Space, TV

Hunt urges hospitals to make new beds from handy piles of corpses

huntbed

Deeply committed

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has unveiled a radical plan to solve the nation’s hospital bed crisis at a stroke – by making new beds out of piles of the recently deceased.

With most hospitals now facing mile-long queues of critically ill citizens lying in the rain, the time has come to address the chronic bed shortage once and for all. And Hunt, never a stranger to controversy, is convinced he has hit on the solution – “corpse bedding”.

“I was on holiday somewhere nice when it hit me,” Hunt explained to journalists. “Just look at it – what are we short of? Beds. What do we have lots of? Dead bodies!”

“Due to my cold-hearted policies, thousands are dying before they can get urgent treatment. Let’s turn that frown upside down and make it into an opportunity!”

Hunt explained that tests done on a bunch of dead pensioners in Birmingham showed that a pile of six or seven was usually sufficient to make a bed of suitable height. A simple wooden plank on top, and you have a bed that’s already much better than being left dying in a gutter.

“We thought we’d have some trouble with the odd fat one making the piles too big,” he admitted, “But for some reason these dead pensioners tend to be of a standard, very very thin, size. It certainly makes our job easier!”

“All in all,” Hunt confirmed, “The corpse bed thing’s an absolute no-brainer. And I should know.”

“Because I have no brain, you see.”

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GPs promise to match MP’s surgery hours – 12 hours a day, 7 days a week

Jeremy-Hunt9

Don’t blame me, I’m not in charge of Jack shit

The BMA has unexpectedly agreed to GP surgeries opening 84 hours a week – just as soon as MPs do the same.

“We were against it, when the PM first raised the idea.” said a BMA spokeswoman “But then we thought, sod it, if the MPs can open theirs 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, we’d go for it too. We were straight on the phone to Jeremy Hunt to let him know.”

“I say Jeremy Hunt; we heard he’d gone home for the weekend, so we left a message for him at the DoH. I say message; they were shut, so we left a voicemail. We haven’t heard back but Continue reading

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‘Hunt quits’ joy turns to despair. It’s Tristram, not Jeremy

Tristram2

He’s the academic Hunt, rather than the demonic Hunt

A nation’s joy vanished today, as it emerged that it was Labour’s Tristram Hunt who had quit Westminster, not his namesake, the scourge of the NHS, Jeremy.

Up and down the country, shoppers and shopkeepers alike were wreathed in smiles and total strangers greeted one another like long-lost friends, then the gloom descended like a blanket.

“Do you remember watching Felipe Massa’s dad when he thought his son had won the title in 2008, but then found it had gone to Lewis Hamilton?” asked one villager in Harold today. “It was like that, only Continue reading

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