Village chubber ‘shocked’ to find that cakes and crisps might be unhealthy

We all love a cake but maybe no more than two or three a day

A villager is shocked by finding that a diet of cake, crisps, and chicken nuggets, washed down with full-sugar cola, has been linked to an increased risk of cancer.

“I feel a bit let down, to be frank.” said William McKean, Harold’s fattest man and star of the documentary Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog. “I was happy to risk heart attack, stroke, diabetes, amputation, and breathlessness, but other than that I was pretty sure Continue reading

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Man fulfills fantasy of sliding down ice slope in giant cheese sandwich

A Harold man managed to fulfill his fantasy of sliding down a ice slope in a giant cheese sandwich and, as a happy by-product, represent the UK at the Winter Olympics in the double luge event.

Insurance assessor Alan Atkins said it was just by chance he found his perfect sport.

“I answered an ad for ‘lube trials’ so I expected things to be slippery. But it was still a surprise to hurtle down a steep ice slope at 90 miles an hour. An exhilarating surprise though as I’ve always had a thing about sliding down a slope as a giant cheese sandwich ever since catching a glimpse of a ploughman’s at the Squirrel Licker’s Arms when I was a boy” reminisced Atkins fondly.
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Oxfam thinking about including ‘Don’t shag the victims’ in staff handbook

Just a few pounds a week will buy a man or woman

Oxfam Directors are meeting to decide whether to ban staff from looting abandoned houses and buying sex from earthquake victims they’re supposed to be helping.

“It’s a tough one, that’s for sure,” said an Oxfam spokeswoman “as we like our staff on the ground to use their initiative. But on balance, we probably should draw a line somewhere, even if only to give us a clear brand identity, distinct from local gangs, militia and the Continue reading

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Man, who only ever gives to Lotto, ‘won’t give to Oxfam now.’

Sorting it out themselves could have been like a team-building day

A man who rarely puts his hand is his pocket, even if it’s his round, has vowed that after their prostitute scandal, he’ll not give to Oxfam.

“I never have done, funnily enough, which I feel justified about now, but I might have done.” said Alec Fairchild “So perhaps they should think through what this scandal has cost them.”

“I’ll stick to Lotto.” said Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “You know where your money’s going with Lotto. Not just Directors’ bonuses. Lots of good causes which government won’t pay for because people like me don’t want to pay taxes to fund no end of things such as cancer research Continue reading

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Brexit: Willo the Wisp to replace Will O’the People to cheer everyone up

As the UK political climate continues to be as relentlessly grim as that episode of Sesame Street which begins with Bert finally snapping and ends with him turning the gun on himself it has been announced that the very real Willo the Wisp will replace the entirely mythical will of the people in all future Brexit discourse. Continue reading

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Jeremy Hunt still not sacked: country suspects he has ‘photos’ of Theresa May

‘What’s my name? No, don’t tell me, I think I’ve got this one.’

As the hapless Health Secretary remains in post after yet another disastrous set of NHS stats, even Daily Mail readers are starting to suspect that he has some incriminating photos of Theresa May tucked away somewhere safe. Somewhere he’s never, ever been seen.

“Our best bet is that they’re hidden in a storeroom with a ‘How to make the NHS work better’ sign on the door.” Said Harold GP Dr Clive Evans “In a filing cabinet marked ‘Staff’, stowed inside training notes from a seminar on ‘Motivational Management: how to build a motivated staff Continue reading

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Men: ‘It’s been a hundred years now, can you stop banging on about equality’

THREE women on Breakfast TV at the same time? This way madness lies

Men who seldom vote other than on X Factor have said ‘what everyone else is thinking’ which is that we’ve all had enough of women moaning about equality. Apparently.

Broadcast media, newspapers, and the Daily Mail have marked the centenary of some women getting the vote by using mostly women presenters and journalists, highlighting the lack of equality on the other 36,500 days since, give or take Continue reading

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Jacob Rees-Mogg gate ‘man in white shirt’ hit woman to prevent violence

Worried violence might break out too late for him to get involved

The ‘man in the white shirt’ who hit a woman protester at a Jacob Rees-Mogg speech says he stepped in to protect the MP due to a lack of security.

The man said his reaction was prompted by a lack of security and that he feared for an attack on Mr Rees-Mogg in the wake of Jo Cox’s murder.

”Jo Cox was uppermost in my mind, so an uppercut to a woman seemed like the right response. Sadly I only managed a rather clumsy Continue reading

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Car crashes distance themselves from Theresa May’s government

‘Look out, May’s about!” Anyone else hearing a screech of brakes and tyres?

A spokesman for Britain’s car crashes has objected to them being linked to Mrs May’s government, claiming that the comparisons are unfairly bringing car crashes into disrepute.

“It’s just lazy journalism.” said Jeff Trundle “Why not use plane crash, war zone, or a zombie apocalypse? All much more apt but no. Car crash is all we ever read about, just after Theresa May gets out of bed each morning and starts working her way through that day’s list of cock ups.”

“What is often overlooked, Continue reading

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IDS: ‘leaked Brexit reports don’t include value of unicorn sh*t’

I was right, tens of thousands died

Fierce self-flagellator Iain Duncan Smith says findings in a leaked government report are flawed, as they don’t factor in revenues from unicorn shit, which will form the basis of a vibrant post-brexit economy.

Duncan Smith was responding to leaked government reports which suggest the UK economy will be wrecked by Brexit “All government forecasts are inaccurate” chuckled the former Tory leader “I read lots which said thousands would die as a result of my reforms at DWP but I knew they were wrong. And I was proved right, tens of thousands died. Admittedly, it might have been more but Continue reading

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Jacob Rees-Mogg: ‘Kyle Edmund would have won if he’d been more upbeat’

‘Everyone needs someone to look up to – for me it’s me’

Jacob Rees-Mogg thinks if David Davis’ team was more upbeat they’d be more successful, in the same way that Kyle Edmund would have beaten Marin Čilić in straight sets if he’d just been a bit more positive. “That’s how things work”, he said.

Embodiment of all that’s wrong with inherited wealth, MP Rees-Mogg did nothing else but shuffle cash around, before landing a plum Tory seat but now likes to spend his time counting his private income and telling everyone else what they should think, Continue reading

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(Captain) Henry Bolton refuses to abandon sinking shits

Henry Bolton in happier times

Henry Bolton is refusing to desert UKIP, the party he has loved ever since joining it the Thursday before last even though many believe it is ‘going down for the third time’.

“It would be a dereliction of my duty to stand down now, just at the point when the party is riven with dreadful factional in-fighting.” he explained to our reporter this afternoon, adding “Of course, I might reconsider my position once the current leadership crisis is over but Continue reading

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UKIP MEP quits, after finding UKIP is full of homophobic racist twats

Looks like the chap next door on his way to court but apparently not

A bloke you’ve never heard of has resigned from UKIP, after gradually realising that past, current, and potential party leaders are a bunch of infighting homophobes and racists.

Jonathan Arnott (that’s him) is apparently MEP for the North East of England and says UKIP “shifted” its stance on religious and cultural issues.

“It was a great shock to me, as you might imagine.” said Arnott. “There was nothing in the party’s history which gave a hint of the festering hatred and bile, lurking far below the surface. OK, perhaps Continue reading

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Leave supporters look for even bigger bus lie ahead of potential second Brexit referendum

The lies on the bus go round and round, round and round…

As a second vote on whether or not to shoot the country in the head, foot and anus just to get blue passport covers looks a little more likely – “EU says door is open for Brexit decision to be reversed” Guardian. “All grown up: child  fair game for our paps now she’s hit sixteen” Daily Mail – Leave supporters are casting their swivel-eyes around to find an even bigger lie to write on the side of a bus just in case it’s needed in a future referendum. Continue reading

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Orange-u-tan blocked from UK

Donald exhibiting rudimentary human-like behaviour

An American circus cannot bring it’s prize giant orange-u-tan to London over fears the animal will become stressed by all the public attention.

The Republican Circus had hoped to cash in on it’s giant primate Donald who has amazed American people with his ability to exhibit rudimentary signs of human behaviour. The orange-u-tan can grunt and sniff as a form of speaking, and perhaps more controversially, some say Donald has the ability to communicate simple concepts through tweeting.
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‘Oy! Stop clogging up our corridors! Jeremy Hunt tells selfish dying patients

“Social care? No, not a clue, do tell.”

Jeremy Hunt has called on the dying and their nearest and dearest to ‘play fair’ and stop calling ambulances in the last hours of their lives.

“We only get a finite amount of life,” said Health and Social Care (no really) Secretary Jeremy Hunt “so it does no good if those who’ve already had their three score and ten – make that three score if you’re poor – insist on clogging up hospital corridors.”

“Wide corridors, I might add, which might otherwise be leased to Costa Coffee or Pret a Manger. Or maybe something novel, say a vintage marmalade Continue reading

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Jeremy Hunt on his decision to stay: “I haven’t fully buggered up the NHS yet.”

“I haven’t fully buggered up the NHS yet”

Offered a move to the business department yesterday, Jeremy Hunt convinced the PM that though the NHS is on its knees, it still needs at least one more big push before complete privatisation is guaranteed.

Mrs May accepted that Hunt was doing a cracking job of buggering up the health service but was worried some sick and disabled people might survive, so she’s Continue reading

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Toby Young: arse gets the elbow

“Wow, look at the size of that tit”

The right wing social commentator  and odious arse, Toby Young, has been resigned from his position on the university regulator, the Office for Students.

“If we are to stand up as the Conservative party for what is right,” he told the BBC, casting himself in the role of a noble man nobly falling on his sword, “we also have to accept when we have made a mistake.”

He then set his pudgy jaw, gazed into the middle distance and checked with John Humphrys about his pose. “Have you got my best profile” Continue reading

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Huge gang of professional beggars heading to Windsor

Obviously no spare rooms here.

Homeless people in Windsor say their livelihoods are under threat as rumours circulate of a street-level takeover by a ruthless gang of highly professional beggars.

“The gang all claim to be members of a single yet extraordinarily extended family,” said Windsor Vagrants’ spokesperson Lindsay Tarsal. “What we do know is they use various aliases, often chosen to sound like your local. The Duke of Kent, the Prince of Wales, the Pig and Whistle… oh, hang on, that last one was David Cameron.”

“So now they’re heading down our way and all of a sudden, who would’ve guessed it, lo and behold, what’s their name now, ah, The Windsors of course, poncing about as though they own the place.”

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Princes kissing sleeping beauties sends wrong message, says school

“You can tell she wants it.” the Prince told himself

Teachers at Harold’s St Mary’s primary school are planning an overhaul of the curriculum following claims by a professor at Osaka University that fairytale princes in Snow White and Sleeping Beauty are sex offenders.

“You might look at Sleeping Beauty and see a chaste, curse-breaking kiss, but apparently what’s going on is a quasi-compulsive obscene sexual act on an unconscious partner” said Headteacher Alison Lee. “We can’t be explaining that sort of thing to our Reception class, I can’t even spell Continue reading

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