Category Archives: War

Syrian children devastated pro-bombing Labour MPs feel bullied

boy rubbleSyrian children are very upset that pictures of them injured and covered in rubble have caused such distress to 66 pro-bombing Labour MPs.

“It’s just awful those MPs feel bullied and upset as the result of my thoughtlessness in going to the playground with my brother and sister just before the missile hit” said Ahmed, aged 11, as he wiped a tear and some bomb dust from his eye.
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Labour activists to defeat ISIL by bullying them on Twitter

#itstheonlylanguagetheyunderstand

#itstheonlylanguagetheyunderstand

As Jeremy Corbyn insisted that the fanaticism of ISIL will not be defeated by bombs, party activists claimed they can only be tackled by bullying them on social media.

“Tweeting that they ‘might want to watch out’, or posting their home address on Facebook, will soon undermine their resolve”, explained party activist Seamus Gott.

“Or we could shout the same slogan over and over again outside their bedroom window, all through the night”, Gott mused. “That should get the message across that we don’t value their opinions.”
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WAR – this time it’s different, explains Cameron

image

Not this time, says Dave!

The government has explained that the decision to flatten Syria will not cause any of the disastrous problems usually associated with this sort of thing.

Anti-war campaigners, innocent Syrian people and other terrorist sympathisers had pleaded desperately that the inevitiable outcome of bombing would be a hellish nightmare on Earth, but these concerns have now been addressed directly by Prime Minister David Cameron. Continue reading

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Rousing bombing display by Red Arrows heals parliamentary rift

red arrows

Oooh! Aaaah! Aaaargh!

The first sortie against Daesh forces in Syria has been applauded across all parties, after it was completed by the Red Arrows streaming patriotic smoke.

The world-famous display team drew croweds of admirers, before accidentally killing a family of seven while flying in the diamond formation.

But the survivors really enjoyed the bit where they flew at each other and swerved at the last minute; “My mum would have loved that”, gasped one survivor, “if she hadn’t been blown up a few seconds earlier.”
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Tired Cameron calls for vote to change Syria’s climate.

"You don't need a weatherman..."

“You don’t need a weatherman…”

David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.

Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.

“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.

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Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather

100% of Syrians vote to be not bombed

imageThe people of Syria have voted emphatically not to be massacred in a bloodthirsty bombing campaign, it was announced this morning.

Rather than restrict the vote to members of parliament, it was felt that the actual people who would be dying in the rubble ought to also have a say. Turnout was high, at 100%.

The referendum asked the simple question: “Do you want to be massacred by an ill-conceived show of Western indiscriminate aggression? (Yes or No).”

Voting seems to have been remarkably consistent across the sexes and age groups, with 100% of women under 30 voting “NO”, exactly the same figure as men over 80, children under 13, and indeed absolutely everybody else.

“It’s as if they didn’t want to be killed by bombing,” complained UK Prime Minister David Cameron today. “If you ask me, these results seem very suspicious – I find it hard to believe that no-one wanted to die in a mangled heap of concrete and metal. Really, Syria? No-one?”

Others criticised the Syrians for their naive grasp of defense policy, questioning whether the population had really thought this through from a global perspective.

“This decision is selfish in the extreme,” insisted Geoffrey Sang, spokesman for UK arms company BAE Systems. “If these people had any consideration whatsoever of my kitchen extension plans, they would have voted very differently. Well, on their own heads be it. Or not, annoyingly.”

A spokesperson for the “NO” campaign expressed little surprise at the outcome, saying: “We don’t want to die. It’s pretty simple. Death, no thanks. Dying, not any. Do you get it yet?”

“We’re pretty sure that this will now be the end of the matter – we’ve decided and that’s that.”

“You’d have to be a bit of a cunt to bomb us anyway, wouldn’t you?”

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Anti-terror police raid Westminster address after tip-off 500 planning bombing campaign

"We just thought they were blood-sucking leeches" said shocked locals

“We just thought they were blood-sucking leeches” said shocked locals

Anti-terror police say they have raided a Westminster address known as the House of Commons and arrested 500 people on suspicion of planning a genocidal bombing campaign in Syria after a tip-off from a 66 year-old Islington informer.

The majority of the people arrested belong to the well known terrorist group ‘the Tories’ who have been launching attacks on domestic targets such as the NHS and disabled people for years.

But alarmingly the Tories have recently been joined by a dangerous splinter group called ‘Tory lite’ who have links to fugitive war criminal Tony Blair.
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Izal to re-launch as ‘Dash!’

Barbaric and medieval.

Barbaric and medieval.

It was once the nation’s least-favourite toilet paper, but Izal may soon be available again in selected outlets.

“Obviously, the name Izal is a bit soiled by association now,” said Harold businessman Woodrow Gunther, who has acquired the firm for £1, “so we needed a new brand name. We were thinking about that unique combination of sprouts and Quality Street and alcohol and dried fruit and sprouts and After Eights and alcohol you get at Christmas, and very quickly came up with the name Dash!.

“The problem with Izal,” he explained, “is that it’s been smeared thanks to Obama using a sound-alike word to refer to Islamic State. So that was a bummer.” Continue reading

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‘Moderate’ Christians everywhere urged to condemn Planned Parenthood terrorist

QueenFrancis2

“Let’s hush this up, Queenie baby!”

The myth that Christianity is a peace-loving gentle religion was shattered today after moderate Christians the world over pointedly failed to condemn extreme Christian terrorists who shamefully massacred several people in Colorado.

Instead of sending out a strong message to the faithful, Christian community leaders chose to implicitly support the Colorado massacre by their refusal to denounce it.

One Christian leader, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, head of the murky “Church of England”, claimed she was too busy ruling her people to comment, but it was “nothing to do with one”. Continue reading

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Syrian air strikes: MPs to examine their consciences; or ‘ask the wife’.

image

Excuse me while I let this off…

Prime Minister Cameron has sent all MPs back to their homes and constituencies this weekend with clear instructions to examine their own consciences about the exciting prospect of bombing the shit out of Syria.

“It’s diplomatic language,” explained a spokesman for Number Ten. “Most of the male members [of The Commons] haven’t got a clue how to think straight and reason with logic, especially if they try to fit it in while watching Match of the Day.

“Their wives, on the other hand, have very clear views, often expressed in a tone of voice that obviates the need for further discussion, while cooking dinner, sorting the laundry, helping the kids with their homework and planning the Christmas seating arrangements.”

“Hopefully,” he concluded, “they’ll all come back here on Monday morning, eager to toe the line, or risk hanging their members [their penises] out to dry for the foreseeable future.”

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Spiralling Trident cost ‘down to supply and demand’ reassures Osborne

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“Air strike decision on hold until we decide what to call the bad people” – PM.

ISIS

Caliphate of Ultra Nationalist Terrorists in Syria

David Cameron is expected to table an urgent commons vote this week to decide the next name to give to the terror group, formally known as ISIL.

The terrorist organization has undergone a series of radical name changes over the last 3 years as their PR machine struggles to find a universally acceptable brand. Continue reading

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Corbyn fails to bayonet Hun in Remembrance Day snub, says Sun

"Gott in Himmel - es ist Jeremy Corbyn"

“Gott in Himmel – es ist Jeremy Corbyn”

The Sun says Jeremy Corbyn has snubbed war veterans by not bayoneting any Germans on Remembrance Day.

In a small backtrack from yesterday, Sun editor Tony Gallagher conceded Mr Corbyn may have done a small nod as he laid a wreath at the Cenotaph, but said it was ‘too little, too late’ and Corbyn should have given the Hun a taste of cold, hard steel.

“We all know Corbyn is anti-war, but is it really too much to ask him to attach a bayonet to a Lee-Enfield rifle and slice through a few German tourists when it would mean so much for the veterans and their families?” said Gallagher.
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‘Devious’ ISIS using Google+ to communicate

The second symbol is wildly optimistic.

The second symbol is wildly optimistic.

Members of ISIS have been freely communicating with each other, using an obsolete network known as ‘Google+’.

The terrorists resorted to the awkward means of communication, to avoid detection by US authorities.

“It was completely under our radar”, said the CIA’s Chuck Brady. “The fact it isn’t encrypted in the slightest really threw us a curveball.”
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Cameron ‘can’t learn lessons from Chilcot yet’

tornado bombing

“Votes, lovely votes. I’ll count the votes in…”

David Cameron’s main concern about the Chilcot report delay is being unable to learn its lessons.

“I mean, I can’t actually see a problem in launching air attacks in Syria” mused the PM to close friends today “But without Chilcot, it’s just impossible to know what might go wrong.”

“Then there’s the plus side. To see RAF jets – not the Red Arrows, proper ones – in action… ‘I counted them all out and I counted them all back’… Continue reading

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Syrians grateful so many countries are bombing them to freedom

bombing

Free at last.

Grateful Syrians have spoken of their relief that so many friendly bombs are now blasting them towards peace.

“A few weeks ago, Assad was bombing us from the air and ISIL was shooting us on the ground”, said local resident Haja Zanubiya.

“But now it is the Russians and Americans bombing us, and the Iranians cutting us down with their bullets. It’s such a blessed relief, I’m not sure who to thank first.”

Zanubiya described how her husband, two of her children and most of the local neighbourhood were liberated yesterday by a laser-guided missile that freed a school and most of the nearby bakery.
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Relief as migrants start heading south for the winter.

6e7e4716cfb3d87de158cee6648233de

Who do you think you’re kidding?

European leaders have expressed their relief as hundreds of thousands of foreign migrants began the long trip south to their winter asylum seeking quarters. Continue reading

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UK men in Syria drone death ‘were actually on EasyJet trip to Prague’

south_prague

A coach transfer to your hotel may be necessary

EasyJet has apologised after it emerged that the supposed UK militants killed by a drone attack  in Syria this week were merely on a stag do in the Czech Republic, and had just landed at the airline’s ‘South Prague’ airport, which happens to be near the Syrian/Lebanese border.

The rolling, once-fertile Hawran Plateau south of Damascus might seem a strange choice for those heading to Eastern Europe, but the airline was adamant that customers are well aware that some of the airports on its routes involve a coach transfer to their final destination.

“In this case, to reach downtown Prague from our airport of choice would involve a simple taxi or coach trip, followed by an arduous journey being smuggled into Europe by ruthless people smugglers,” explained an EasyJet spokesperson this morning. Continue reading

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Chilcot realises he’s been enquiring into wrong Gulf War

Sir-John-Chilcot

Bugger. Bugger, bugger, bugger.

Hopes of an imminent release of Sir John Chilcot’s Gulf War enquiry were dashed today, after it emerged that Chilcot has been mistakenly examining the causes of the first Gulf War, not the second.

The first Gulf War ran from 1990-91, and started when Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait. John Major was the British Prime minister when the anti-Iraq coalition started its bombing campaign, and there has never been any suggestion that this was anything other than a perfectly legal response to an act of aggression, and certainly not the sort of bloodthirsty murder that certain other Prime Ministers might get you into.
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Drone pilot wins Victoria Cross

for valour

Although untraumatised, pilot will need years of occupational therapy.

A drone pilot, battling away in a reasonably comfortable lounge, has become the first remote combatant to achieve the Victoria Cross.

Despite a searing repetitive strain injury and being down to his last 2 bags of pretzels, John Stilgo continued to pour missiles into a deadly Afghanistan orphanage.

“I wasn’t concerned at all for my own safety”, revealed Stilgo. “Instinct took over. I just knew I had to push through if I wanted to beat the squadron’s highest score.”
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