As details of an assassination attempt on Nigel Farage become clear, the hapless UKIP leader is being touted as the new Inspector Clouseau.
During an interview on Good Morning Britain to explain his belief that he is under constant attack, Farage leapt behind the sofa, thrashed about screaming for a few minutes, then emerged, claiming he’d had to fight off a Bulgarian assassin.
“Phew, that was a close one,” he exclaimed to a bewildered Susanna Reid, who’d just asked if he might be exaggerating the seriousness of his car crash. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics, TV
The Cribbins, seen in its natural environment
The RSPCB’s endangered species watch team reported today that ‘Voice of the Wombles’ Bernard Cribbins is now likely to be the only celebrity called ‘Bernard’ still surviving in the wild in the UK.
“Bernard numbers have been dropping steadily for many years, but until today’s count we had no idea just how rare the famous Bernard has become on these shores,” announced an RSPCB spokesman this morning.
“Conditions have been getting more and more harsh for the native Bernard, and one by one they’ve died out – Shaw, Bresslaw, even Manning – we don’t believe there remains a single breeding pair of Bernards in existence.”
At last a Dickens character we recognise. Good old Inspector Javert
BBC One has blown the nation’s minds with Dickensian, a lavish 20-part drama that’s more confusing than a riddle wrapped in the Enigma code inside a clue from 3-2-1.
“I thought it would be a fun story featuring the most famous Dickens characters,” said viewer Ange Harris. “But it’s unfathomable. Who are the Barbarys, what’s a Captain Hawdon, and am I allowed to laugh at the name Fanny Biggetywitch?” Continue reading
These people don’t use the drive home to catch up on farting
Research shows car-sharing is being hampered by more than a simple desire for nose-picking privacy.
Dr Rachel Guest recently published her study on male aversion to car-sharing.
To save you the bother of reading all 323 pages, we have adopted government practice by cherry-picking from ‘Appendix (ii) Respondents’ comments’ and pasting them here:
“I pretend to visit the HR department every Friday afternoon, but actually go home early at 3.30.” Continue reading
Pooh – what’s that smell?
As staff at London’s Hunterian museum prepare to exhibit the skull of the original Pooh bear, other museums have begun trawling through their store rooms for similar grisly treasures.
Chinned and ginger, just like dad.
Prince Harry will not appear on the popular genealogy show ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’, a coroner for one of the producers has confirmed.
Despite being third in line for the throne, Harry Windsor has a noticeable jaw and some hair left. The BBC family tree programme will not be finding out why.
“We don’t think anyone’s that interested”, said a researcher through the telecom of their panic room. “That’s what the director said, just before he stabbed himself in the back.”
Advances in technology now allow a person’s DNA to be identified from a cheek swab in a matter of minutes.
Sadly, Prince Harry is incapable of producing saliva, revealed the widow of the show’s technical consultant.
Filed under Culture, Royals, TV
Bremner, Bird and Fortune
The nation’s sense of trust in the BBC has reached an all-time low, following the revelation that its flagship art valuation program Fake or Fortune is itself a complete fake.
The program features a gullible member of the public who has bought a work of art by a famous artist at a massive discount because the work has not yet been authenticated. It’s Fiona Bruce’s job to trace the work’s history across Europe and establish the all-important provenance. The gullible owner is excited by the prospect of a genuine work worth millions, but ends the program in tears, when an expert points out that Chagall never signed his name with an S.
An investigation by the Broadcasting Standards Authority, however, found that the program was made up and none of the characters were real. The findings were that the program was filmed entirely in a studio in Manchester and shots of Fiona Bruce outside the Louvre in Paris were created by back projection, using a look-alike actress, with her voice dubbed on afterwards by Russell Crowe. And the works of art were all stage props, made in the BBC’s workshops.
Hit BBC show the Great British Bake Off has become the latest victim of weapon-toting dentist Walter Palmer. The blood lustin’ American burst onto the set and shot the amazing lion bread created by contestant Paul Jagger several times with a bow and arrow.
“I had to,” Palmer said. “I’m a hunter and that there bread lion was too beautiful to exist. I wanted him dead. That’s how you show the ultimate respect for bread, and for nature. You shoot it and put it in your special trophy room so no one can see it but you.” Continue reading
Evans dumps another load of former co-hosts.
Chris Evans has announced plans to clear out his garage, by auctioning off a number of unwanted ex co-presenters.
The self-confessed ginger has a vast collection of broken, long-forgotten sidekicks, which he buys at car boot sales, paints orange and then stores in his shed.
Amongst the lots are a rare Gaby Roslin, an ex-works Will McDonald and a tastefully modified Holly Hotlips.
The Queen of England and Elizabeth Windsor
The BBC has announced the first contestants for this year’s series of Strictly Come Dancing.
Among the notable celebrities are some big name attractions including Robert Mugabe, Josef Fritzl, The Blessed Virgin Mary, new Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor and Les Dennis along with some more controversial choices including Jeremy Vine, a woman off Eastenders and troubled tv chef, Ainsley Harriott. Continue reading
Binge watchers might feel the urge to wear clogs.
A box set of all 55 seasons of Coronation Street is ‘unwieldy’, according to fans.
The cult show had hoped to appeal to box set-obsessed middle class viewers in the new format, but it would take 174 Sky boxes to store every episode.
Set in the fictional town of Salford, season 1 of ‘Corrie’ had the audience hooked from Day 1. But despite the show’s success, some people deliberately avoid watching it because they don’t want to dip in and ruin it.
“When the show started, I had to wait another twenty years to be born”, complained Harold’s Morgan Delaney. “That’s my parents’ fault, the selfish old sods.”
Because Morgan’s parents had decided not to have her when they were three, she never really got a chance to catch up with the plot.
“But now, if I can watch just four episodes a night, in six years time I’ll only be six years behind. I’ll finally be able to join in the conversation at the office. Assuming they’re recording it now, so they can catch up with the Archers.”
For people without broadband, the box set is also available on Blu-ray. “It’s been re-edited in 3D, you can watch it with the special Deidre glasses”, revealed Morgan. “Amazon are delivering mine tomorrow, by Chinook.”
“You’re asking for benefits? Smithers, release the hounds.”
Fears that actor Harry Shearer’s departure from The Simpsons could mean the end of the show have been dispelled following the casting of Iain Duncan Smith as Mr Burns.
“We’re just delighted that Iain’s agreed to come on board,” said Simpson’s creator Matt Groening. “We thought we’d never be able to find someone to convey Mr Burn’s sociopathy as convincingly as Harry did but this IDS guy is even better! We had him read a scene about using the poor for fuel, and sanctioning benefits claimants who use two slices of bread to make a sandwich when one will do, and he knocked it out of the park. The script was ridiculous however he made it sound chillingly real and at the end thanked us for the great ideas. That’s your quirky British humour, right?” Continue reading
“Wake me up when Newsnight’s over”
Sleep is the latest relaxing activity to be turned into a stressful competition, thanks to a new show on BBC 1.
‘The Great British Sleep Off’ adds napping to the list of things we used to find therapeutic, such as cooking tea, doing a bit in the garden, or knitting a scarf.
“This is brilliant news”, said Harold’s Pippa Delaney. “I used to worry that my night-times were completely wasted. But now I can use that 7 or 8 hours to show off to my neighbours. Or make them cry, which is even better.”
While many discuss who best represented their party position on the economy, or on immigration, a definitive view on who had the best socks has been hard to come by. Until now.
Miliband – two odd socks, one that said “Tuesday” and one that said “Sunday”, despite it being Thursday. Both socks said “right” and he needed help from his wife to put them on.
Clegg – promised in the run up to the debate that he would wear socks, even went into great detail about exactly what type of socks they would be. Then turned up without any.
New evidence that Nigel Farage may indeed be colour blind
UKIP will scrap laws preventing racial discrimination at work, says Nigel Farage.
Asked if he would retain a ban on discrimination on the grounds of race or colour, he said: “No, as a party we are colour-blind. Luckily, we can still make out light and dark shades.”
Lenny celebrates with stereotypical yellow duck
As Comic Relief celebrates 30 years of raising funds for deserving causes by threatening the nation’s television viewers with mild humour, two of its stalwarts have announced their retirement from the cause saying it’s time for others to step forward and benefit from the profile raising free publicity.
Former comedian, Lenny Henry, says he has a lot to thank Comic Relief for, having seen his status rise from token black guy on Tiswas to token twenty stone black guy advertising Premier Inn’s all- you-can-eat-breakfasts. Continue reading
“Sometimes I turn it on”
A housewife from the village of Harold has eloped with the family’s new ‘listening’ Samsung TV, claiming it pays far more attention to her than her husband ever did.
In an interview with the Radio Times, Elsie Renfrew, 42, explained that she had spent twenty years being ignored by husband Roger, and that the couple had in fact last exchanged greetings in 1997.
“Then we got this new Samsung telly,” she told journalists, “And suddenly I knew something was actually listening to me at long last – for once, something actually cared.”
The television, a FH6200 Series with 60″ screen (diagonal), features voice recognition for channel selection, volume control and wistful confidences about what you could have been if only you’d married someone with a bit more life to them. Continue reading
Well-known drinker and friend
Well-known drink-driver Barbara Knox acknowledged last week that she’s been living a double life, having appeared repeatedly in a tawdry ITV soap known to its addicted fans simply as Corrie.
Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms, says that social attitudes have changed over the years “The times are long gone when a drink-driver could end up in a couple of episodes of Crossroads by mistake, Continue reading