Category Archives: Technology

Comet lander wakes up screaming after 7-month nightmare

philae

Philae comforts itself pretending its a dishwasher in Surrey.

Philae, a probe that lays abandoned on a comet, has woken up drenched in sweat and feeling clammy.

After screaming itself to sleep just over 7 months ago, the lander awoke to find that it wasn’t all just a dream.

“Now that the batteries are charged, Philae can talk to us again”, said Hans Beckendorf of the European Space Agency. “And the first thing it said was ‘Fking fk fk, where the fking f**k am I?’.”

“It turns out that in space, someone can hear you scream.”
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Born to run: persistence hunting moves to the gym

huntersize

“I’m working my way up to an antelope.”

Are you bored with going to the gym and drudging away on equipment in front of a mirror? But are you too soft to go outside? An ultra runner from Harold thinks he may have the answer.

“Man evolved to be a ‘persistence hunter’, tirelessly chasing down antelope to the point of exhaustion “, explained Dave Evans. “We were truly ‘born to run’, not to squeeze springs with our thighs. Which is why I put a cow on a treadmill.”

Evans has created a more natural gym in his barn, where wannabe Kalahari bushmen can pursue a range of animals for days at a time.

“I’m catering for the everyday gym-goer, so you can start with a fat hamster, or one of my old donkeys if you like”, said Evans. “And gradually work your way up to a heifer. Just keep pursuing it until it reaches the point of exhaustion, and then finish it off with a stick.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Sport, Technology

Obese ‘Hacker’ controlled plane by ‘moving round the cabin’

obese-flight-passenger-pic-kieran-daly-94182647.jpg

‘Hacker’ demonstrates how to immobilise the drinks trolley.

A 34-stone ‘hacker’ claims he gained control over an aircraft, by simply swapping seats in the cabin.

Barry Whale works as an IT consultant in a phone shop in Dunstable: his expertise is ‘hacking’ SIM cards so they can fit in an iPhone.

“It’s a job that involves moving from the front desk to the ‘customer service cabin’, so I know a fair bit about moving between seats”, said Whale.

When the tech geek got up to use the rear lavatory, he noticed that the plane noticeably pitched up.
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Filed under News, Technology

Harold’s last traditional Wind Farm faces closure as wind prices hit all time low.

British Wind for British People

British Wind for British People

There is concern among Harold residents that the recent decline in European wind prices may force the village’s last remaining wind farm to cease production.

Wind products have been a major source of income for the village with exports in excess of five million cubic metres being shipped to Scotland each year alone. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Election 2015, Election 2015, environment, Farming, Nature, Technology, Uncategorized

App Review: Periscope allows friends to now share their tedious shit LIVE

image Twitter’s new live streaming app, Periscope, has revolutionised the way dull friends can share their tedious shit by giving you, their ever-grateful friend, a chance to see it live.

Once upon a time, friends sharing pictures of their every meal was the staple diet of social media. Periscope takes that to the next level giving you the chance to watch them cook it, and eat it, all in real time leaving you to realise that turning down every invitation to a dinner party they were having was pointless.

And for those of you that think other people’s kids are, on the whole, snotty little infection spreading devil creatures, you’ll be glad that now you don’t have to flick through the 30,000 pictures of little Tommy on the swing to create the illusion of him moving, you can watch him do it live, hoping to God he falls out at least giving you something to laugh at.

To the delight of the NSA and GCHQ, Periscope is not only for your friends to show you in real time that their cat is “soooooooo cute” because the furry rugby ball can lick its own arse while purring like every other cat. You can also use it to spy on people from all over the world, with their consent.

This has led to endless mind-numbing live streams of news anchors and reporters using Periscope to show them reading the news. This is a truly amazing and eye-opening revelation for anyone unable to get to grips with the complex operation of turning on the TV.

Periscope has also become the new home on the Internet for perverts who think that a woman pointing a camera at themselves is an automatic invitation for requests to ‘show your tits’, with many of the perverts unable to even stretch their vocabulary to the full sentence of the request opting instead for just one word, ‘boobs’.

So all in all, everyone live streaming every detail of their mundane lives is frankly a novelty that we hope will wear off soon or hopefully evolve quicker than many of the knuckle draggers that fill up some of the comments.

Now we must shoot off and watch more of this highly addictive rubbish so we can sneer at it a bit more. We might even live stream a bit ourselves. Have you seen what our office blame monkey Cleggsy McCoy looks like on the toilet?

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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, News, Technology

Facebook to pay all users a basic minimum wage

black-man-on-laptop

Simultaneously using two Facebook accounts on two separate devices: slacker

Facebook has announced that it will pay its 1.39 billion users a basic minimum wage from now on in acknowledgement of the fact that their current business model is starting to look too much like slavery. Continue reading

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Internet Explorer killed: farewell world’s favourite browser to download Chrome from

internet-explorer-tattoo-most-hated-awful-YOSPOS-13966567730

We’ve never felt this strongly about anything

Cyberspace’s neediest puppy, Internet Explorer, is being killed off by Microsoft. Having lurked on desktops since 1995 begging the unwary to make it their default browser at the slightest, briefest click of attention, it will now join Netscape Navigator and All Your Base Are Belong To Us in the great internet file simply titled ‘meh – forgotten’. Continue reading

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Windows 10 to come with free hand job

windows10

At last!

Microsoft has announced that its new Windows 10 operating system will come with a free hand job for every user, in an attempt to increase popular uptake.

Windows 8, which suffered from a confusing touch-screen interface and no hand job, has only reached a 10% market share, leaving Microsoft shareholders disappointed and consumers squirming in agonies of sexual frustration.

Analysts are predicting that the new version of Windows could take off in a big way, reversing a decline going back to the catastrophic decision to package every copy of Windows Vista with a free kick in the goolies.

“Microsoft has listened to what its customers want,” explained industry expert and keen self-abuser Florian Munter. “What they want is a familiar interface, with solid performance. And a hand job.” Continue reading

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Google replaces ‘Glass’ with the ‘Smart Underpant’

google_ass

Virtually invisible

Google is ending sales of its Google Glass eyewear product, and focussing instead on the rapidly-swelling ‘smart underpant’ market.

A spokesperson from Google explained that while Google Glass may return in the future, the firm believes that underpants will take off this year, and is devoting its efforts into getting into them.

The main advantages of the smart undercracker appear to be in its relatively discreet appearance – while the obtrusive Google Glasses led to concerns of privacy and looking like an arse-hat, the new Google Pant will sit snugly on the user’s right testicle, virtually invisible apart from the giant plastic camera poking out of the permanently-open fly. Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, Technology

Advertising Feature

For years, men have been complaining about getting that nasty, white, sticky stuff all over their fingers during those all too frequent ‘do it yourself’ sessions.

Manhandling that flexible tube all on their own has left generations frustrated, sore and dissatisfied with the finish.

Easter wouldn't be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Easter wouldn’t be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Well worry no more because Harold based company Inspirational Enterprises are launching a brand new product that will make your solo projects much more satisfying, rewarding and will always produce a happy ending.

Introducing ‘No More No More Nails’.

No More No More Nails is an innovative new system for fixing things to other things. Instead of using messy adhesives that inevitably get on your clothes, the carpet, your wife’s hair and even on really tough days, the cat, in fact everywhere except where you need it to go, No More No More Nails enables you to precisely position things so they go where they’re meant to go and then stay there for as long as they’re meant to stay there.

Made from the highest quality round, stiff metal wire, No More No More Nails is easy to handle and will leave no sticky residue.

Using the patented ‘one flat end and one pointy end’ technology, No More No More Nails can be used with minimal training by even the most inept of home workmen. The No More No More Nails system is so easy to master, heavens!, even a woman could do it.

No More No More Nails is available now with a bag of 2000 pieces costing just £9.99.

Stop!

Stop!

Not only that but for a limited time, there is an introductory offer which includes a further 4000 pieces at no extra cost. plus, buy before the end of January and you will also get this handy No More No More Nails applicator absolutely FREE.

No more sticky fingers. No More No More Nails. That’s nailed it!

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Filed under Advertisments, Badgers, Business, Easter, Lifestyle, science, Technology, Uncategorized

First Happy New Year text sent ‘before the networks get too busy’

IMG_0761.PNG The first text wishing people a happy New Year for 2015 was sent today in a bid to ‘avoid the busy networks’ on New Year’s Eve.

Since the invention of the text message as a way to avoid talking to people, the battle to get New Year’s texts through before anyone else has intensified with well-wishers sending them earlier and earlier to avoid the message being delayed and not being received until 12:30am or even 1:00am.
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Apple crumble over human rights allegations

appleworkerscleaning

Production line staff hard at work, cleaning up for Apple

“We at Apple are shocked to the core” said Graham Cross, after secret filming at Apple’s suppliers revealed repeated staff abuse. “But rest assured. Lawyers will be all over the BBC’s arse by Monday.”

BBC’s Panorama film showed workers so fatigued that they fell asleep during rest periods and even whilst operating machines.

Cross says although it’s common practice for workers to nap during breaks, he’ll investigate any evidence of sleeping at the workbench. “If it’s proved, then firm action will definitely follow. Wages will be docked. Guilty parties will first be named and shamed and then get a verbal warning: ‘Oy, Sleepy! Don’t doze off again!’ Only in Mandarin. Probably”.

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Users complain that masturbating over new iPhone makes it sticky

iPhone-6-Coming-in-2014Apple is under fire after early adopters of the new iPhone 6 have found that rubbing the phone on their genitals can render the device “sticky”, or in the worst cases, “awash with semen”.

The vulnerability, which Twitter users have already christened #wankgate, is being partly blamed on the new design of the phone, which has turned on reviewers so much they are unable to resist self-gratification with the devices.

One user, a Mr S. Fry from London, wrote in his recent review: “I hold in my hands truly the most beautiful object ever made. But when I rub my new iPhone against it, I find my device covered in bubbly man juice – that never happened while Steve Jobs was in charge.” Continue reading

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Ecclestone: F1 radio ‘topic ban’ includes politics and religion

'You're breaking up' Bernie solves the Hamilton/Rosberg feud mid-race

‘Sorry, you’re breaking up.’ Bernie resolves  Hamilton/Rosberg feud mid-race

Bernie Ecclestone says prohibitions in F1 pit-to-car radio have similarities with polite dinner protocols.

“As well as politics & religion” explained the mini-mogul “we’re excluding scottish independence, sexual innuendo and your wife’s even-younger sister.” Continue reading

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Filed under Motoring, News, Sport, Technology

EC gives AA energy rating to beards

darwin

EC scientists claim Darwin was ‘carbon neutral’.

Facial hair could soon become compulsory, after Brussels tested a range of beards for energy efficiency.

Experts measured thermal insulation, wet performance and harmful emissions from a selection of chin enhancements, using a delapidated woman as a control.

“That was due to a translation error, but we stand by our results”, said depilatory scientist André Rhesus. “Even a frigid climate sceptic would recognise I’m much hotter with this stubble.”

While a Fu Manchu and a lip-clump only managed a ‘B’ rating, double-A was achieved by a full-on Brian Blessed.
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iPhone 6 introduces convenient way to pay for iPhone 7

iphone

iPhone 6 will feature pre-shattered screen, so owners can boast of being first to break one.

Apple has announced that the new iPhone 6 will make electronic purchases easier, so owners can splash out on must-have gadgets such as the forthcoming iPhone 7.

“When we were designing the iPhone 6, we asked ourselves ‘what do our customers really want?'” revealed CEO Tim Cook. “We quickly realised that what they desire most in the world is the future iPhone 7.”

The newish iPhone 6, available in lamb and bacon flavours, is compatible with most of the tills in Apple’s stores. Pundits predict that should help boost sales when the iPhone 7 is released in October.
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World Wide Woofs: internet addicts to get their own service dogs

Big enough to carry you out into the fresh air if he has to

In a landmark ruling Harold internet addict, Steph Jacobson, has been awarded her own service dog. It is now expected that hundreds of thousands of other similarly afflicted Britons will be getting their own dog under the World Wide Woof scheme. Continue reading

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Village souvenir tea towels replaced with novelty dishwasher tablets

tablet

Nigella will gnaw off the blue bits if Scotland votes for independence.

A village post office has finally updated its stock of gifts – out go tea towels, and in come souvenir dishwasher tablets.

Complete with a commemorative range of rinse aids and 3 kilo sacks of salt, Harold will once again rekindle holiday memories while people wash up the pots.

“Some of these tea towels have been here for nearly ten years”, admitted post mistress Nigella Bunting. “For some reason, visitors don’t want to associate our village with ball-aching drudgery. So I came up with the idea of upgrading to these 2-in-1 gel bags: they wash plates while they remind you of visiting here by accident on that day when the M1 was closed.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Technology

Anti-assault vagina dentata puts bite on rapists

1-Darla-1-

Like this but lower

Local inventors Dr Rachel Guest and Dr John Goody are overwhelmed by the success of their new anti-rape innovation. The prosthetic teeth which a woman does not put in her mouth are, according to their creators, “stylish and very, very sharp.” Continue reading

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Fury as Deep Web overrun by the middle class

Swimming-elephant

Size of Deep Web explained: imagine that all you can see of William here is the part of the web that shows up in Google searches, the rest of him is that which does not.

The Deep Web long home to hackers and gun-sellers, conspiracy theorists and drug dealers is under threat not from GCHQ or the FBI but the British middle class.

“It’s a nightmare,” said Harold resident seventeen year old Simon Delaney. “I thought the Deep Web was going to be full of really brilliant porn not my bloody parents going on about vegetables.” Continue reading

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