Category Archives: Society

North Face launches compression sack for London tenants

north face bag

Enough room to swing a vacuum-packed cat.

London’s rental crisis could be eased, by compressing tenants into tiny bags.

That’s the claim of North Face, the popular survival brand behind a new sack that allows up to 15 people to squeeze into even the smallest stairwell.

Made from a breathable fabric that leaves occupants comfortable even if they soil themselves in the night, the highly sought-after device is already sold out in most desirable postcodes.

Originally designed to make sleeping bags small so they can be carried by scouts and ramblers, engineers discovered they could compress an average-sized human by making the straps just a little thicker.
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Relief as migrants start heading south for the winter.

6e7e4716cfb3d87de158cee6648233de

Who do you think you’re kidding?

European leaders have expressed their relief as hundreds of thousands of foreign migrants began the long trip south to their winter asylum seeking quarters. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, charity, Civil rights, Europe, News, Save The Children, Society, Travel, War, Weather

Pig reveals all in kiss and tell exposé

2014114211955762

Ham Fisted

The pig at the centre of the David Cameron scandal has broken her silence in an exclusive kiss and squeal interview.

Under the alias ‘Margaret’ she said that she wanted to get things straight, “Something Mr Cameron had no trouble doing in his student days”.

 

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Refugees to be shipped to UK in David Cameron’s forehead.

Dave Headroom

Room for one thousand more on top.

David Cameron’s forehead is to be sent to the Syrian border camps to collect the 20,000 additional refugees the UK government has agreed to let live.

Aid agencies had been struggling to find a vessel large enough and empty enough to transport the refugees, and have welcomed the use of Mr Cameron’s forehead while he’s not using it. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Children, Civil rights, Europe, Save The Children, Society, Travel, Uncategorized

Grammar Nazi apostrophe hoard found under Polands mountain’s

grammar train

“We’re sure its their”, claims Sibilatelin.

An armoured train packed full of apostrophes has been discovered deep inside a Polish mountain. Abandoned their by a notorious group of grammar nazis, the train is the verb of much speculation.

Spoken of in hushed tones by those in the know, a handful of languages most persistent pedant’s have cleverly decoded obscure rules, that led to the trains discovery.

“The train doesn’t just contain apostrophe’s”, summarized grammar hunter Steve Sibilatelin. “Theirs also literally talk of a stash of ellipsises, semi-colons, and the long lost Oxford Comma.”
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Can she do it? Tense crowds cheer Queen on to ‘longest reign’

queen record

Officials have roped off the Queen for the final stage of her attempt.

Crowds of fans are cheering the Queen around the clock, waiting for her to lunge over the line and set the record for Britain’s longest reign.

With just days to go, the public has joined officials from the Guinness Book of Records.  Sat on a chair with a look of grim determination on her stamp-like face, the monarch’s reign is timed at regular intervals while the crowds roar her on to the finish.

“COME ON QUEEN! YOU CAN DO IT!”, yelled a group from Harold’s WI. “DON’T FORGET YOUR TABLETS! KEEP THAT HEART PUMPING! GOWAAAAN YOUR MAJESTY, NEARLY THERE!”
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Jeremy Corbyn pledges to reintroduce bathing machines

bathing machine

Like a closed shop, but before the wheels came off.

Labour hopeful Jeremy Corbyn will push women into the sea in wheeled sheds, if elected.

The surprise announcement was made by Corbyn, who has pledged to reintroduce a number of similar initiatives abandoned by history.

“From coal mines and women-only carriages, to rickets and dinosaurs, I think we can all agree that the past was a better place”, said Corbyn.

Bathing machines were used by the Victorians, so that women could swim in the sea without men being offended by their calves.

Corbyn believes that rather than condemning the practice of ankle ogling, it would be less confrontational to set women adrift.
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Graves removed from churchyard for celebrity wedding

angry bride

None of the interred have been invited.

With just days to go before the society wedding of the year, bride-to-be Sirah Evans has demanded that all the graves are removed from the church.

During a dress rehearsal, local celebrity Sirah Evans noticed ‘some big stones with names and shit on’, and demanded to know ‘what the f**k were they thinking?’

“I explained to young Sirah that when people pass on, we intern them during a ceremony”, said Rev. Tansy Forster. “The ‘headstones’ mark their final resting place, for parishioners that can read.”
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Mumsnet users advised to change password from “sotired”

mumsnet

Mums can’t imagine how they filled their time before Mumsnet.

Following an attack by hackers, Mumsnet is advising all 12 million of its users to change their password from “sotired” to something less obvious.

“Busy mums barely have time to sneer at the parenting skills of others”, said site owner Justine Roberts, “let alone think of an original password.”

“Besides, after the hassle of choosing a name for their child that neither their husband or parents laughed at, most of our members just bang in the first thing that pops into their head.”
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Cilla’s teeth to be made into Liverpool Stonehenge replica.

copy-of-dsc03789In a lasting memorial to the late Cilla Black, the mayor of Liverpool, Joe Anderson has announced that her monumental gnashers are to be made into a full sized replica of Stonehenge. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, charity, Culture, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Liverpool, Media, Showbusiness, Society, Tourism

Parliament’s favourite porn searches revealed.

David CameronFollowing a freedom of information request, the internet service provider which supplies broadband to the palace of Westminster has revealed what members of the two houses of parliament surf the web for during the really boring bits of government. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Labour, Politics, Sex, Social media, Society, Technology, Tony Blair, Tory sex scandal, Uncategorized

Are you a true Brit? Take the Evening Harold Britishness test and find out.

British is who you are, not what you are.

Question 1.

You are in the supermarket when the store manager announces over the tannoy that an imminent meteor strike is heading your way. Do you

A – Panic buy all the toilet paper, shoving children and old ladies out of the way in your hurry to get what’s rightfully yours?

B – Use it as an opportunity to steal a laptop while everyone is distracted?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Queue patiently for the self service check out, tutting occasionally at all the noise and disorder.

Question 2.

You are on a crowded bus when a frail, elderly gentleman of dark skinned appearance struggles on only to find no seats available. Do you

A – Cast your eyes everywhere but at him in the hope that you don’t meet his gaze.

B – Take the piss out of his shoes?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Offer him your seat insisting that it’s perfectly fine despite your broken leg and neck brace?

Question 3.

You are watching the television news when a piece comes on about a major tragedy affecting hundreds of foreign people in a country you’ve never even heard of. Do you

A – Switch over to watch “When The World’s Shoutiest TV Presenters Attack”?

B – Laugh?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Immediately ring the charity help line to make a small donation then go and make a cup of tea?

Question 4.

You hear that a family of Syrian asylum seekers is moving into the house next door. Do you

A – Immediately start a petition among the local residents to get the filthy scrounging foreign benefit claiming scum removed?

B – Spray paint abusive messages on their front door telling them to go home?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Knock on the door to see if they need anything and invite them to pop round for a nice cup of tea?

Question 5.

You are on holiday in Majorca with your family when you see a woman wearing full burka despite the 40 degree heat. Do you

A – Carry on walking to the ‘Queen Victoria’ British theme pub, grab a pint of John Smith’s and an all day fry up then sit and moan about all the foreigners coming into Europe these days bringing their weird customs and practices and doing nothing to integrate with the local culture?

B – Throw stones at her until she cries?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Think to yourself that she must be jolly warm under that lot and wonder whether she’d appreciate a refreshing cup of tea?

Time to check your answers.

Mostly A – You are probably aged 18 to 35 and have grown up on a diet of Jeremy Kyle, Daily Mail and social media. You’re more of a bigot than your parents but not as bad as your kids. You believe everything you read on the internet.

Mostly B – You are probably aged 11 to 18 and were brought up by people who answered mostly A.

Mostly C – You are either a member of Islamic State or an American. It’s really not easy to tell from your answers.

Mostly D – You have many of the traits that made British people great before consumerism, Americanisation, me-first attitudes and the practice of everything catering solely for the hard-of-thinking took root. Congratulations, you can stay.

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Culture, Europe, International News, Lifestyle, News, Politics, Society, Uncategorized

George Osborne now using n-word in every speech

osborne

“I’m going to pop a cap up your bottom.”

George Osborne has dropped the n-word in a string of speeches, after being impressed by Obama’s use of the forbidden term.

A group of school children from Dunstable were the first to hear the chancellor’s latest attempt to talk ‘street’, and roundly condemned him for doing so.

“It’s not a word most kids would dream of using”, said 14-year old Samantha Bacon. “It’s revolting really; a real symbol of past oppression.”

The queen seemed nonplussed when a state dinner was n-bombed by Osborne, but Prince Philip barely batted an eyelid.
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Black and White Minstrels reappraised as trans-racial trailblazers

minstrels

Their sacrifice paved the way for a white woman to be promoted to the top of a black organisation.

Indefensible racists the Black and White Minstrels have been praised for their brave promotion of trans-racial awareness.

Once a subject that was as much non-existent as it was controversial, trans-racial issues were given a voice by white men who blacked up and sang songs that made light of slavery.

The group of pioneers were the first to reject the burden placed on them by a thousand years of privileged chance genetics, and model themselves instead on Uncle Ben’s rice packets.
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Harold’s oldest pig accidentally served at own birthday

pig

Boris was well received.

A Wessex Saddleback pig from Harold was better received than expected at his ‘Oldest Pig’ ceremony, after a catering mix-up caused him to feature in his own vol-au-vents.

‘Boris’, a 37 year-old hog with gout and high cholesterol, was celebrated in the Harold village hall last Tuesday.

Despite health and safety preventing his appearance in person, it now seems most of him did show up. Only his tail and lips are yet to be accounted for.

Many of those present didn’t realise quite how much they appreciated Boris, until a communal pork pie repeated on them late on Thursday.
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Popular ‘Harold in Bloom’ winner disqualified for mass murder.

img_4915-1 Gladys Pymm, regular winner of the ‘Harold in Bloom award for most attractive roadside memorial’ has had her name struck from the trophy after being convicted at Dunstable Crown Court for serial murder.

73 year old Mrs Pymm was crowned winner for the 7th time in 2014 for her outstanding performance in looking after the 46 roadside shrines situated along a short stretch of the B1137 that runs outside her house. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Crime, idiots, Law and Order, Motoring, Police, Society, Uncategorized

Holiday home owners ‘keeping Cornish as pets’

pet cornish

‘If it was cruel, they wouldn’t let people use caravans.’

London media executives who spend their weekends in Cornwall are lamenting the decline of the fishing industry, in the pretty villages they’ve all bought holiday homes in.

But now, thanks to advances in large hutch technology, they can maintain a permanent link to the past. A few simple Cornish are being kept as pets, in spare rooms or out the back by the bins.

“They’re easy to look after, they just need some old nets to play with”, said Cornish owner Cordelia Fotheringham. “You chuck them the occasional pastie and spray them with a brine mist. Before you know it, they’re shantying away.”

The floor around the cage is littered with crusts. “They don’t eat that bit, I don’t know why”, said Fotheringham. “Mine keeps shrieking ‘the tin! the tin!’ when I poke one back in. But it didn’t come in a tin: we don’t promote convenience food.”
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Twitter launches convenient ‘death threat’ button

twitter death threat

Another innovation inspired by Katie Hopkins.

Twitter has announced a new button for its suite of apps, that makes it easier for people to troll celebrities and the vulnerable.

The ‘death threat’ button works in a similar way to the ‘like’ button on Facebook, seen by many as a ‘killer feature’.

“Social media is a very important way of judging your popularity”, said Ken Swansong of Twitter. “But what if you read a tweet you disagree with, and then find it was written by a woman?”

“With this ‘fix’ there’s no need to strain your limited mental capacity by stringing a half-sentence of bile-filled anger together. Just click the skull and crossbones, and let the world know what sort of man you are.”
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Highways Agency regrets awarding road maintenance contract to ISIS.

The road, the hole road and nothing but the road.

The road, the hole road and nothing but the road.

There are red faces in the Highways Agency following a rash of complaints from motorists about the large number of potholes appearing on Britain’s roads. Motoring organizations and MPs are blaming the Highways Agency after it was discovered that the lucrative road maintenance contract was awarded to an unknown firm called Integrated Expert Developments from the Islamic State. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, bombs, gritters, idiots, Politics, Religion, Society, Transport, Uncategorized

Drone pilot wins Victoria Cross

for valour

Although untraumatised, pilot will need years of occupational therapy.

A drone pilot, battling away in a reasonably comfortable lounge, has become the first remote combatant to achieve the Victoria Cross.

Despite a searing repetitive strain injury and being down to his last 2 bags of pretzels, John Stilgo continued to pour missiles into a deadly Afghanistan orphanage.

“I wasn’t concerned at all for my own safety”, revealed Stilgo. “Instinct took over. I just knew I had to push through if I wanted to beat the squadron’s highest score.”
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