Category Archives: Social media

Disappointing friends still sharing Britain First posts

Sad poppy, slumped in despair, yesterday

Stupid friends you have on Facebook are persisting in sharing Britain First’s posts, despite it being obvious that the organisation is a bunch of Nazi fuckwits, it emerged today. The arrival of remembrance season has made your less intelligent acquaintances even more tiresome than usual, with many happy to share a photo of Hitler provided it has a poppy and a starving dog in the picture.

Hopes had been high that even the most disappointing of your friends would have realised by now that sharing these posts is the online equivalent of wearing your own faeces as a hat, but sadly the penny seems yet to drop.
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Filed under Politics, Social media

North Korea reports Renee Zellweger looks different ‘because she’s dead’

Pyongyang suspected of photoshopping Zellweger's obituary.

Pyongyang suspected of photoshopping Zellweger’s obituary.

North Korea’s news agency is regretting using Google Translate, after it put Renee Zellweger’s new look down to her recent demise.

“I look like this because I’m finally at peace”, Zellweger told a Hollywood awards ceremony. Minutes later, a candle-lit vigil began in Pyongyang.

A spokesman for Kim Jong-un explained that the supreme leader felt an affinity with Zellweger. The dictator has also experienced rapid weight gain in his past, coupled with a powerful attraction to Hugh Grant that ultimately ended in rejection and recrimination.

“Zellweger will be best remembered for her voice work in Monsters V Aliens, a film about the oppression of the people by an evil US government”, said Jong-un in a statement from his recently no-longer-dead uncle. “Although over here, her character was of course voiced by someone else.”

“And just like Ms Zellweger, I also look like this because I’m dead”, said Jong-un’s statement. “You still love me, even though I’ve done a lot of cheese.”

 

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Filed under News, Social media

Latest news-umping craze takes over BBC News website

BBC top 10The latest craze of bumping old stories to prominence on media websites has reached new heights with every item this morning of the Most Popular section on the BBC News website being an archived piece, including a rare report on the revulsion of the Islam world following the beheading of Anne Boleyn in 1536.

Fans of the craze, known as News-Umping, use social media to boost old stories which are often more interesting than the current headline news.  Exponents are proudly geeky since considerable research is required to locate old articles.

“It needs a good deal of work as google only goes back about 15 years,” said one young newsumper from behind a bushy beard and thick horn rimmed spectacles Continue reading

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Filed under Media, News, Social media

Any more Ice Bucket Challenges may lead to first winter hosepipe ban.

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As the Ice Bucket Challenge spreads around the internet quicker than racism spreads through Jeremy Clarkson’s blood stream, Thames Water are warning customers that if people continue to throw any more of the perfectly good, fresh, yet finite resource over their heads, the UK may see its first ever winter time hosepipe ban.

“We appreciate it is for a good cause,” a spokesperson for the utility company explained, “and not many people know more about raising millions of pounds just to waste water than us.

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Filed under Social media, Society

Facebook to start marking Daily Mail stories as ‘not satire, honest’.

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Facebook has announced it is to start marking articles shared from the Daily Mail a ‘not satire, honest’ tag after a number of users complained they often thought the stories and views of the paper were some sort of joke.

“I thought their hatred of people that don’t look like them was some kind of running joke,” one user commented after sharing a comment piece on immigration. “I didn’t think highly trained news people could actually think like that.”
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Filed under News, Social media, Society

White feathers handed to villagers who left lights on after 10

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News of the incident could only morally be watched later on iPlayer.

An angry mob is forcing white feathers into the hands and letterboxes of homeowners who failed to correctly mark the beginning of WWI.

As social media networks led a call to switch household lights off at 10pm last night, Harold villager Pippa Delaney recognised a perfect chance to express fake indignation about those that didn’t bother.

“As far as hollow gestures go, flicking a switch to commemorate 37 million casualties of a war was one of the emptiest”, said Pippa Delaney. “Which is why I knew some wouldn’t bother. I’d grabbed a small duck and was hoiking the feathers out before I’d even whipped up a misplaced sense of moral outrage.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Social media, War

Relief as internet turned off every night at seven pm

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Now we can all do this of an evening instead, whatever this actually is

There has been an unusual outbreak of happiness in Harold following the government’s decision to switch the internet off every evening in a bid to drive down energy consumption.

“I was afraid that I’d be lonely without the net at night,” local undertaker Carmen Hilton told us. “But now instead of slumping in front of Facebook either mocking or being jealous of one or two friends and dozens of random people I don’t know but friended anyway, I slump on my front step and feel the same about passers-by. It’s lovely, I’ve never had so much fresh air.”

“Having my own opinions is weird,” teen and enthusiastic gamer Simon Delaney confessed. “I mean if you watch something on TV and no one’s tweeting about it at the same time is it really happening, yeah? And I really missed playing Call of Duty before bed then I worked out screaming racial and homophobic slurs at the dog was just as much fun.”

Although the switch-off has not been in place long enough to have produced any data anecdotal evidence suggests that people are sleeping better and that newsagents nationwide have been given a boost due to the massive rise in sales of porn magazines.

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Filed under Social media, Technology

Facebook’s secret experiment finds friends’ negative posts make us feel better about ourselves

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Facebook has revealed it’s secret experiments on users’ news feeds failed to change their emotions and most people remained smug when reading about a their friends’ misfortunes.

The experiment was designed to see if users seeing negative posts from people on their friends list made them feel more negative themselves, however the opposite seems to be true.

“Seeing my friends post about their boring lives or family arguments always make me feel better about my own life,” one user told us.

“Sometimes it’s like watching an internet version of Jeremy Kyle right their on my phone or PC. You can’t help but feel better about yourself as you scroll through other people’s misery.”

“And a picture of their McDonald’s dinner with the hashtag #nomnom somehow makes my steak taste better.”

They also found that no matter how much they flooded timelines with posts that say what decade you are, what dinosaur you are, or what Cluedo murder you are most likely to commit, most people failed to have any emotional connection to them and generally ‘didn’t give a shit’.

“What we found is people who reply to the depressingly vague ‘why me 🙁 ‘posts with ‘what’s up babe’ ‘I’m here if you want to talk’ and ‘PM me’ aren’t concerned but just fancy a bit of a gossip,” Mark Zuckerberg explained.

“In fact the only time people felt a negative emotional reaction to a post it was quite a dramatic one with severe threats of violence increasing ten-fold when a user gets another bloody request to play Candy Crush Saga.”

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Filed under News, Social media

Outrage as ‘inhumane’ tax demands installed outside affordable housing to deter bankers

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Very uncomfortable

Following the news that ‘anti-homeless spikes’ are being installed outside posh apartments to prevent homeless people from sleeping in the doorways, further outrage has been provoked by the decision to place strategic arrangements of tax bills outside affordable housing to deter investment bankers.

The bills, for income and corporation tax, are embedded in the floor outside a block of flats in an area of East London. The bankers are naturally attracted to cheap housing to knock down and turn into luxury apartments, but the tax demands make the environment very uncomfortable, causing them to move on.

One resident, who wished to remain anonymous, told the Evening Harold: “There was a banker prowling looking for investment opportunities there about six weeks ago. Then all of a sudden these tax demands were put up outside.” Continue reading

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Filed under charity, Social media

Models challenged to post Photoshop-free selfies for cancer

The right arm and upper thigh were bad, but the missing head was the real Photoshop fail

The right arm and upper thighs were bad, but the missing head was the real Photoshop fail

An online campaign challenging models to post Photoshop-free selfies to raise money for cancer has got off to a slow start.

“Photoshop-free selfies? Next thing you’ll be suggesting we eat!” laughed a model who is size 8 in real life and size 2 in photoshop. “Oh, you mean you’re serious??? I think I’m going to throw up.”

While denial was the initial reaction of most models, the inescapable influence and pressure of social media (apparently opting out of Facebook and Twitter is not an option) meant they were reluctantly forced to take up the Photoshop-free challenge.
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Filed under Culture, Fashion, Social media

‘Stop comparing everything to Syria you bell-end’ say acquaintances of local bell-end

sad faceA local reaction-seeker has been urged to stop mentioning Syria in ripostes to every single problem villagers bring up in conversation.

From subsidence to flooding, from car breakdowns to dogs with impacted anal glands, every grumble is directly compared by Allan Hostage to the situation in Homs.

“Thanks to the storms, my house has flooded for the first time in 60 years”, said pensioner Elsie Duggan. “At my age, it’s a difficult thing to go through.”

“But when I mentioned it in Sally’Z Cut’z while she was topping up my blue rinse, Hostage appeared from nowhere and said ‘it was nothing compared with the plight of the Syrian people’.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Social media, Technology, War