Bremner, Bird and Fortune
The nation’s sense of trust in the BBC has reached an all-time low, following the revelation that its flagship art valuation program Fake or Fortune is itself a complete fake.
The program features a gullible member of the public who has bought a work of art by a famous artist at a massive discount because the work has not yet been authenticated. It’s Fiona Bruce’s job to trace the work’s history across Europe and establish the all-important provenance. The gullible owner is excited by the prospect of a genuine work worth millions, but ends the program in tears, when an expert points out that Chagall never signed his name with an S.
An investigation by the Broadcasting Standards Authority, however, found that the program was made up and none of the characters were real. The findings were that the program was filmed entirely in a studio in Manchester and shots of Fiona Bruce outside the Louvre in Paris were created by back projection, using a look-alike actress, with her voice dubbed on afterwards by Russell Crowe. And the works of art were all stage props, made in the BBC’s workshops.
It was a play of two halves.
For those of you unable to make the long awaited opening night performance and unable to view it on You Tube thanks to a rather unreasonable ban on mobile filming, our Arts Correspondent Mariella Buss-Stop puts down her pint and casts her eyes over the cast’s performance at Elsinore last night.
From their hissed greeting at the appearance of old King Hamlet’s ghost to the mass weeping hysteria when the great one dies, the pubescent Cumberbitches’ in the audience made their presence felt last night at the Barbican. It could take days to mop up.
Here are my ratings for the players: Continue reading
The Queen of England and Elizabeth Windsor
The BBC has announced the first contestants for this year’s series of Strictly Come Dancing.
Among the notable celebrities are some big name attractions including Robert Mugabe, Josef Fritzl, The Blessed Virgin Mary, new Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor and Les Dennis along with some more controversial choices including Jeremy Vine, a woman off Eastenders and troubled tv chef, Ainsley Harriott. Continue reading
In a lasting memorial to the late Cilla Black, the mayor of Liverpool, Joe Anderson has announced that her monumental gnashers are to be made into a full sized replica of Stonehenge. Continue reading
Could you just spoon with us and tell us that everything’s going to be all right?
As current events seem to more and more resemble the nastier bits of a Brueghel painting, the entire world has decided to give up, stick its head in the sand, and simply concentrate on Kit Harington’s hair from now on.
The actor’s tremendous locks are generating an increasing amount of headlines as everyone clings to news of its length and whereabouts as the only thing they can understand in these dark and confusing times. Continue reading
Look at the beak on that!
The news that Elizabeth Hurley has been named by readers of the Daily Telegraph as Britain’s favourite bird has been greeted with delight by the nation’s bird fanciers.
The much loved Hurley is a common sight in our gardens and is easily identified by her prominent orange breast, often referred to as ‘that plumage’ by aficionados. She is highly territorial and can often be spotted begging for worms near gardeners who are doing a bit of digging. Continue reading
In his first comment since being dropped from the TV show Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson has said he will miss punching people in the face.
The presenter was writing in his first column for the Sun since he was released from the show on 25 March after an “unprovoked physical attack” on a producer.
“Heartfelt thanks to all those who have written to say how much they will miss me on Top Gear,” he wrote. “It’s not as much, however, as I’ll miss being there.”
“Mainly,” he continued, “the sensation of smashing my knuckles into the face of someone who fears for their job and has done nothing wrong except working on the same show as a bullying overweight twat. You know, those sorts of things. Specifically, the punching.” Continue reading
“We couldn’t work it out”
The death of John Lennon’s first wife, Joni marks the end of an era when the Beatle WAGS – Joni, Jane, Patti and the other one – were almost as famous as the Fab Four themselves.
However the glamorous life was not for Joni. Although the sixties were swinging all around her, Joni spent much of the time miserably hiding from the limelight due to an unusual aversion to citrus fruit.
Although Joni often said her Beatle husband had never written her a soppy love song, it is believed that he wrote “She’s so Heavy” towards the end of her first pregnancy when Joni was expecting their son, Julian. The couple went on to have 3 more children together – Dick, George, and Anne – before he left her for Japanese artist Yo! Sushi. Continue reading
Some oafs believe the world rotates around Clarkson.
Students at Harold’s Shining Future Academy will be allowed to miss lessons on Friday morning, so they can experience 35 minutes with a reduced view of Clarkson.
But teachers have warned that staring directly at Clarkson can cause a loss of perspective, and they worry about the effect he might have on pupils.
The Clarkson Eclipse is expected to start during the 8.00am news bulletins, but there’s a slim chance someone might not see it.
“It could be clouded out by more important news”, revealed headmaster Clive Morris, “such as the outbreak of nuclear war, an alien invasion, or…well, nothing else really. It’s such a big deal, if the hype is to be believed.”
Lenny celebrates with stereotypical yellow duck
As Comic Relief celebrates 30 years of raising funds for deserving causes by threatening the nation’s television viewers with mild humour, two of its stalwarts have announced their retirement from the cause saying it’s time for others to step forward and benefit from the profile raising free publicity.
Former comedian, Lenny Henry, says he has a lot to thank Comic Relief for, having seen his status rise from token black guy on Tiswas to token twenty stone black guy advertising Premier Inn’s all- you-can-eat-breakfasts. Continue reading
Venue has agreed to install a ramp
The UK has become a brutally sadistic society in which the height of entertainment is the desperate sight of an elderly lady falling over, it was revealed last night.
Millions of British citizens who would have claimed to be kind-hearted were openly mocking the misfortune of someone old enough to be their grandmother who did nothing more than stumble in unfamiliar surroundings.
Madonna, 94, a veteran of two world wars and the sole remaining person alive to have met Napoleon, had a fall at a youngsters’ ball last night, surrounded by a group of dancing people who seemed happy to pretend nothing had happened.
“It is sad, very sad,” despaired Albert Renfrew, Professor of Sociology at the University of Harold. “In a country where we ostensibly care for our old people, we are happy to laugh at Madonna falling on her arse like a sack of hammers.”
“If people in their nineties can’t strip down to their underwear, pretend to be culturally relevant and marry teenagers, then I don’t know what we’re coming to. Mind you, it was fucking hilarious, wasn’t it?”
A spokesperson from the charity Age Concern pointed out that cuts to the Winter Fuel Allowance were probably the reason that Madonna had taken to wearing a cape in the first place, and called on concerned citizens to send her their old blankets.
He’s a git who has a column in the Murdoch press and found fame on the BBC and she’s a git who has a column in the Murdoch press and found fame on the BBC. Inescapable will-have-controversial-opinions-for-food mongers Katie Hopkins and Jeremy Clarkson have never been seen together causing many to wonder if they’re actually the same person. Continue reading
Another regrettable publication from the past
The campaign led by Benedict Cumberbatch to gain pardons for gay men who were persecuted by the state for the indecency laws of the time, has had a major setback after evidence has come out showing that homosexual men of the era were just as racist as everyone was in those days.
Recently discovered diaries of Alan Turing, mathematical genius and Cumberbatch’s’ best chance of bagging an Academy Award have suggested that Turing had the same prejudiced attitudes towards the black community as everyone else in the early 1950’s as illustrated by the following shocking extract. Continue reading
Take this. I’m off to save the pound.
After facing criticism for calling black people ‘coloured’ on US television, Benedict Cumberbatch has confirmed he has gone one step further and become a member of UKIP.
UKIP leader Nigel Farage was reportedly ‘delighted’ at finding someone else rich, white and gaffe-prone to help replace the increasing numbers of his party who are defecting to even more extreme right-wing organisations, like the Conservative Party.
Cumberbatch swiftly issued an apology for his ‘incorrect’ and ‘offensive’ use of the phrase, saying: ‘I’m devastated to have caused offense by using this outmoded terminology.”
“I appreciate that by accidentally using one word instead of another word I have committed the ultimate crime, for which no punishment can ever be sufficient, no humiliation too great. And so I have decided to join UKIP.” Continue reading
Well-known drinker and friend
Well-known drink-driver Barbara Knox acknowledged last week that she’s been living a double life, having appeared repeatedly in a tawdry ITV soap known to its addicted fans simply as Corrie.
Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms, says that social attitudes have changed over the years “The times are long gone when a drink-driver could end up in a couple of episodes of Crossroads by mistake, Continue reading
Always good for a laugh
Comedian Nigel Farage will stand in his guise as “The UKIP Leader” against Al Murray’s “Pub Landlord” at the general election.
Mr Farage, whose hilarious character is based around a hatred for all things foreign, has formed the United Kingdom Independence Party.
He confirmed he would stand for election in Thanet South, in Kent.
He said: “It seems to me that the UK is ready for a bloke waving a pint around, spouting mindless far-right bollocks instead of offering common sense solutions.” Continue reading
The Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz has stepped in to replace David Cameron in the televised election debates, it emerged today.
Although famously suffering from a chronic lack of courage, the Cowardly Lion still apparently has more balls than the current Prime Minister.
Senior Tories have praised the Lion’s courage in sparing Cameron the horror of debating against the terrifying Ed Miliband and Nigel Farage.
“This Lion deserves a medal,” proclaimed former Conservative Party chairman Norman Tebbit. Now all we need is a heart for Iain Duncan Smith and we’ll be on a winner. And a brain. And a clue.”
It seem that the Cowardly Lion may not be the only stand-in for the debates. Reports are coming in that Labour are considering replacing leader Miliband in the debates with an empty chair – not because he is is afraid to appear, but simply because it is thought the chair will be more charismatic.
There were chaotic scenes on The Apprentice set earlier today after Felipe Alviar-Baquero, the candidate discarded by Lord Sugar after the acrimonious skeletongate row arrived at the Boardroom brandishing an injunction obtained against his firing in Week 9.
Felipe, who was dismissed by Sugar as a “just another bluddy lawyer”, burst in as the tetchy tycoon was filming the scene in which he tells the nation whether he wants to get into women’s underwear or PPI phone sales.
It’s been hyped as the biggest TV event of the year however the name of the winner of the X Factor is already known ahead of the final and it isn’t that person’s first victory.
Simon Cowell wins it every year, sheeple. He always wins.
If a man whose work shortened the war by two years was destroyed by the state for being gay; who knows what they would have done back in the 1950s to Graham Norton for presenting insipid chat shows.
This World War II movie is a story of the relationship between eccentric mathematical genius, Alan Turing played annoyingly well by Benedict Cumberbatch, and his one true love Christopher, the machine that he created to crack the Nazi enigma codes at the top-secret Bletchley Park.
To break the monotony of frustrated ex-public schoolboys, an alluring Keira Knightley is introduced as a brilliant crossword solver, however it turns out that the gay Turing is not for turning. In a touching scene towards the end of the film, Turing declares his devotion to the whirring Christopher leaving Keira to seek a boffin elsewhere. Continue reading