Category Archives: science

Everyone knows someone called ‘Simon Williams’, scientists reveal

unknown-person

Admit it, you know one, don’t you? At least vaguely.

Ground-breaking new research has uncovered the fact that the entire population of the planet all know, at least vaguely, someone called ‘Simon Williams’, it emerged today.

The revelation, which came about as an accidental discovery while scientists were doing something else, has already been tipped for the coveted Nobel Prize for advances in the field of Simon Williams.

“It all came about by a bit of an accident,” explained one of the researchers. “My colleague Bob was telling me a joke in the lab, and I just mentioned that my mate Simon Williams would like it. He mentioned that he had a friend called Simon Williams too, but it turned out not to be the same guy.”

“That got us wondering if everyone knew someone called Simon Williams, and when we asked the other two guys at work, they both did. So 100% then. That’ll be a million quid, thanks.” Continue reading

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Where’s our hoverboards? Scientists urged to get a shift on as Back to the Future deadline approaches

hoverboard2

We want those trainers and that board, and we want them now

Scientists across the globe are coming under increasing pressure to deliver as October 21st 2015, aka the day Marty McFly arrived in the future, gets closer.
“It’s getting intense,” local inventor Dr Rachel Guest said. “Every time I nip down the shops people are asking me why I’m walking, why we’re all still walking, and complaining about how much time they have to waste each day tying up their shoelaces.” Continue reading

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Moon was ‘OK’ claim tired people

moon2

I dunno, is that the moon?

People who stayed up to stare at the moon are claiming it was ‘worth it’ as they were sacked across the country.

“Has the moon been?” asked Nigel Hostage as he was woken by his manager. “No, I’m not pissed, the man on the telly said it was going to be enormous.”

Despite being the same size since records began, the moon chose last night to ruin the lives of the suggestible.  Continue reading

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Aids drug company says 5000% price hike was ‘because we’re shits’

ShkreliMartin

Trust me, I’m in Big Pharma

Martin Shkreli, boss of eye-watering price-hikers Turing Pharmaceuticals, says they’ll drop the price of Daraprim, which they acquired in August, after Aids patients got a bit too loudly.

“Look, they’re Aids patients – always whining about something. OK, if going from under £10 to almost £500 in a month was a bit sudden, we’ll drop it a little. We can crank it up again later. Because we’re shits.”

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Search still on for tiger bite antidote

lion

Terrifying.

A drug that can treat bites from tigers and other big cats is still unavailable, doctors have warned.

Despite lacking venom, tigers and some of the spotty ones can still be a nuisance if they sink their teeth into a handy limb.

“It’s not just fur allergies that pose a risk to humans”, said Dr Evans. “The bite itself can cause some discomfort. Although that’s not to say it wouldn’t be prudent to take an antihistamine anyway.”

Following an attack, the victim isn’t always sure what type of cat they’ve fallen victim to, making the need for a universal treatment all the more necessary.

“If you do get bitten, try and pop the animal in a bag and bring it with you”, suggested Evans. “You might get lucky, it may not have been a biting cat at all.”
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No trust left after BBC’s ‘Fake or Fortune’ revealed as a fake

Fake or Fortune.

Bremner, Bird and Fortune

The nation’s sense of trust in the BBC has reached an all-time low, following the revelation that its flagship art valuation program Fake or Fortune is itself a complete fake.

The program features a gullible member of the public who has bought a work of art by a famous artist at a massive discount because the work has not yet been authenticated. It’s Fiona Bruce’s job to trace the work’s history across Europe and establish the all-important provenance. The gullible owner is excited by the prospect of a genuine work worth millions, but ends the program in tears, when an expert points out that Chagall never signed his name with an S.

An investigation by the Broadcasting Standards Authority, however, found that the program was made up and none of the characters were real. The findings were that the program was filmed entirely in a studio in Manchester and shots of Fiona Bruce outside the Louvre in Paris were created by back projection, using a look-alike actress, with her voice dubbed on afterwards by Russell Crowe. And the works of art were all stage props, made in the BBC’s workshops.

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Filed under Art, Entertainment, Media, science, Showbusiness, TV

Tai Chi ‘slowly evolving into PE’ say experts

tai chi

He’s barely broken a sweat.

The art of Tai Chi body movement may be very gradually evolving into PE. That’s the claim in a new scientific paper, jointly written by an expert in Darwinism and a PE teacher from Harold.

“Evolution is a very slow process at the best of times,” said Dr Joan Mirror, “so when you’re dealing with the evolution of something as slow as Tai Chi, you’re probably looking at hundreds of millions of years before the hallmarks of PE begin to emerge.”
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Giant bat-mincing machine ‘could produce electricity’ warns scientist

It minces bats, but at what price?

It minces bats, but at what price?

Harold’s new giant bat mincer could produce low-carbon electricity, scientists have warned.

Whilst acknowledging that the 100-foot high rotating blades would bring the village a step closer to being bat-free, Dr Rachel Guest fears that one side-effect could be a supply of sustainable power.

“Naturally, the bat mincer has to go ahead”, said Guest, “if we’re to rid our skies of the leathery-winged menace.”

“But we have to work out how to minimise all the electricity this thing will spew out, or it’ll look like we weren’t focusing on mincing bats.”
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‘If Cosmic Ordering works, why is Noel Edmonds still here?’ asks nation

edmonds

Categoric proof that there is no God.

A national experiment has shown that the lingering presence of Noel Edmonds disproves the existence of ‘Cosmic Ordering’.

Cosmic Ordering is the practice of writing down a list of things that you want, and then waiting for them to arrive.

Yet despite nearly 38% of the population jotting down “make Edmonds piss off”, the suspiciously dark-bearded pillock is still here.
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Clearest pictures yet of Pluto captured by local man standing on a dustbin

lampA brave local amateur astronomer who has captured his best ever photograph of demoted planet Pluto following a hazardous mission, has claimed the risks of clambering onto a dustbin in the middle of the night for a better view were well worth taking.

“Despite the risks, I’m delighted with the photographs,” Gerald Snoad said last night after coming out of a ten day period quarantine as a precaution against deep space contamination. “It just goes to show what you can do with some meticulous planning.”

“I believe my photos have captured the loneliness of Pluto, which is essentially an insignificant dot on the horizon, just beyond the Dunstable by-pass.”

It could so easily have been different.  The successful space shot was almost aborted when the council delivered a new wheelie bin to Mr Snoad’s Harold based mission control HQ. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Intergalactic News, science

Pluto ‘just a big ball of window keys and phone chargers’

Pluto

Is that one for the conservatory? Or the suitcase under the bed?

A space probe has revealed that the dwarf planet Pluto is 35% window keys, and could contain up to 700,000 tonnes of phone chargers.

“For years now, scientists have been searching for the universe’s ‘missing mass'”, revealed NASA’s Chuck Weiner.

“So far we’ve looked in a fruit bowl, the last place we had it, and that drawer in the kitchen with the instructions for resetting the clock on the microwave.”
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Nasa probe finally measures Piers Morgan’s ego

piersmorganagain

His nostrils follow you round the room

Piers Morgan’s ego has just been found to be ever so slightly bigger than previously thought, having a diameter of 2,370km.

The measurement was made by the New Horizons probe which is about to flyby the massive bell-end.

Although Nasa’s probe is programmed to measure infinitesimally small objects it may still be unable to register what Morgan knows about phone hacking, dodgy share-dealing or successfully hosting a chat show.

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Humans getting taller and smarter, except for Brian

big shoe

Even Brian’s sandals are thick.

Scientists have confirmed that human beings are becoming taller and more intelligent, with the exception of Harold’s Brian Evans.

“It’s selective evolution”, explained Professor Justine Wurlitzer of Dunstable University. “People are attracted to clever people, who can also put things in those high cupboards you get on aircraft.”

“Whereas Brian is, if anything, getting slightly more stupid with every passing minute. For instance, yesterday he spent an hour trying to lick his elbows.”

The professor carried out a range of experiments to measure cognitive ability, problem solving and if Brian can reach his lunch box if it’s moved to the top shelf in the fridge.
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Comet lander wakes up screaming after 7-month nightmare

philae

Philae comforts itself pretending its a dishwasher in Surrey.

Philae, a probe that lays abandoned on a comet, has woken up drenched in sweat and feeling clammy.

After screaming itself to sleep just over 7 months ago, the lander awoke to find that it wasn’t all just a dream.

“Now that the batteries are charged, Philae can talk to us again”, said Hans Beckendorf of the European Space Agency. “And the first thing it said was ‘Fking fk fk, where the fking f**k am I?’.”

“It turns out that in space, someone can hear you scream.”
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Eclipse warning from God that straight marriage is abhorrent claims priest

And cue human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria

 

Local priest, Rev Tansy Forster, has warned villagers that today’s solar eclipse is a sign that God just can’t be having with straight marriage.

“It’s abhorrent,” Rev Forster told us. “Look at the world: think of the stress and the debt fuelled by heterosexual couplings. And, worse, think of all the terrible pop songs.  Today’s eclipse and the fact that it coincides with the Super Moon and Spring Equinox is a clear sign from the Almighty that these are the end times.” Continue reading

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Eyesight damage fears over Friday’s total eclipse of Brian Cox

Dr. Brian Cox

No smiles from Brian after he learns of his temporary eclipse

Keen skywatchers and other lonely men have been warned not to watch tomorrow’s total eclipse with the naked eye.

The largest glowing orb in the firmament will be temporarily out of sight, as Dara O’Briain passes briefly in front of the cameras focused on Professor Cox’s shiny visage.

John Harris, producer of BBC’s Stargazing explained the moon-faced comic’s relationship with Britain’s smiley-est man “Dara’s been running around Brian since our first series. Having only a scraped ‘pass’ in theoretical physics, he is held in orbit by the gravitational pull of Cox’s many doctorates.”

With a finite amount of cameras, it’s almost inevitable that O’Briain’s studio directions will occasionally take him in front of the pre-eminent star in the galaxy. This will happen again tomorrow but there are dangers for the unwary says Harris.

“Anyone tempted to stare directly at Professor Cox, even in eclipse, must only do so through something really opaque. Super-strong sunglasses, welding goggles or Ed Ball’s plans for the economy.”

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Trekkie midwife predicts babies won’t be born, but beamed down

Now all we need is a Klingon proof nappy

Now all we need is a Klingon proof nappy

Technology will soon be available to make traditional births a thing of the past with babies set to be beamed down to their nursery cots instead of expectant mothers having to endure a long and sometimes painful labour.

It is a far cry from Call the Midwife, but local midwife Betty Nunn is convinced that beamed births are the way forward, saving millions of pounds for the National Health Service.

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Advertising Feature

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Manhandling that flexible tube all on their own has left generations frustrated, sore and dissatisfied with the finish.

Easter wouldn't be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Easter wouldn’t be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

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Introducing ‘No More No More Nails’.

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Stop!

Stop!

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No more sticky fingers. No More No More Nails. That’s nailed it!

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Owl filmed in custard for first time

custard owl

Rare to see an owl in custard in daylight.

A natural historian in Harold has managed to obtain footage of an owl, deeply immersed in custard.

Until now, every other aspect of the owl’s tedious life has been filmed extensively. But this is the first time one has been shown in a dairy-based, vanilla-enhanced fluid.

Ben Evans, 57 and still living with his parents, captured the moment shortly after returning from the shops.

“It’s Bird’s custard, obviously”, quipped Evans. “And the owl is a medium one. I think it eats mice or something, using that sharp bit on the front.”
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Scientists create ‘Enigma II’ – powerful enough to decipher greeting card price codes

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Scientists working at CERN say they have made a breakthrough that will have an affect on all our lives.

“We have finally developed a computer so powerful it can decide greeting card prices codes” the scientist leading the research explained.

“For many years looking for the price of a card in Clintons became a game of roulette with customers gambling on what number the till would land on when the cashier scanned it.

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