Category Archives: Royals

89 year old Windsor woman faces driving ban after road rage incident

Angry woman no match for PC Flegg's tazer

Angry woman no match for PC Flegg’s tazer

An elderly Windsor woman is likely to be disqualified from driving after an incident in which she drove across a Royal Park, nearly hitting a young couple walking their baby.

The woman, who has not been named, is reported to have claimed that she mistook the young family for another couple she knew and their “latest brat” and swerved away the moment she realised her mistake.
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Palace forced to defend Queen’s links with evil dictator

queen-murdoch

The young Queen in more innocent times, enjoying a nazi salute with ‘Uncle Rupert’

Buckingham Palace has been forced to defend the Queen after it emerged that pictures of Her Majesty had been published in The Sun newspaper, owned by the evil tyrant Rupert Murdoch.

Members of the public were shocked today to find out that Queen Elizabeth had appeared in the reviled pages of the detested publication, forcing palace officials to hastily issue a statement insisting that the appearance of the photograph was an innocent event which had been blown out of all proportion.

“The photograph was taken a long time ago,” claimed a spokesperson, “When many people just didn’t realise how evil The Sun really was. Being a naive 89-year-old, the Queen simply didn’t understand what it meant to be linked to Rupert Murdoch, and we would like to assure everyone that she is not, and has never been, a grubby far-right bucket of sleaze. There are plenty of other people in the royal family to take care of all that.” Continue reading

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Kate and William give Camilla one of baby Charlotte’s used nappies

The Royal Wee?

The Royal Wee?

It’s been quite a week for the Duchess of Cornwall and her growing collection of white accessories. First she was given a used sweatband at Wimbledon by Andy Murray; and yesterday she was given one of little Princess Charlotte’s nappies at her Sandringham christening.

From all accounts, the Duchess has been collecting whites for many years, but this only came to public knowledge last week when the Scottish tennis star threw his sweatband into the Royal Box and a delighted Camilla popped the sweaty item into her handbag. Apparently, the only criteria for items to qualify for her collection are that the items should be white (or white-ish) and to have been used by a notable person.

Prince Charles has been long aware of his wife’s unusual hobby and gave her a set of Queen Victoria’s bloomers as a wedding gift to accompany a pair of underpants of Prince Albert which Camilla has framed above the mantelpiece in her Highgrove House dressing room. Continue reading

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Russell Brand confirmed as Princess Charlotte’s godfather

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Russell Brand: believes he can cure scrofula by touch

With hours to go until her christening Buckingham Palace has announced that Russell Brand will be Princess Charlotte’s godfather.

“I’m doing this out of pity for someone trapped in a bubble of privilege with no idea how ordinary people live,” said the princess. “I thought it would be a nice gesture. Plus we have something in common in that I don’t even superficially understand the world and just talk gibberish too.” Continue reading

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Conspiracy theorists frustrated by bland ‘Black Spider’ letters

princecharles

The slippery bastard didn’t even ask for any paternity tests.

People who assumed Prince Charles was some kind of Machiavellian monster have been irritated by the sheer banality of his letters.

Published under the Freedom of Information Act, the previously secret letters contain nothing more than balanced, intelligent advice.

“It’s annoyed me, I just assumed we’d dig up some dirt”, said paranoia expert Nigel Lampoon. “But it’s all ‘Thanks for supporting my kid’s charity’, ‘please give our soldiers proper equipment’, and ‘I’d quite like to save the albatross’. The inconsiderate bastard.”
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Nepal: Well done William, now could you bring over your rescue helicopter?

So, so happy

So, so happy

The suffering people of Nepal have shrugged off the impact of a massive earthquake by taking to the streets to celebrate the birth of a new Royal princess.

“It’s such good news for the British public,” said delighted Anchal Tursing, “they must be fed up of hearing about our misery. We really love the Royal Family and even if I hadn’t been forced into the streets by the earthquake I’d be out here celebrating wildly. It might be selfish, but I can’t help but wish the rest of my family had survived to enjoy this special day.” Continue reading

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Baltimore residents take to the streets to celebrate Kate’s labour

imageResidents in Baltimore have been out in force celebrating the Duchess of Cambridge’s admission into Hospital.

“Nothing brings an oppressed community together like the impending birth of an over privileged white child” one protester said.
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Royal baby delay due to Kate forgetting birth is her job, not the nanny’s

Kate babyAn apologetic Kate promised she will hurry up and give birth now she remembers this bit was her job and not the nanny’s.

“It’s a little embarrassing, I thought nanny Maria was just slacking off as she constantly played that strange game with George where she keeps putting some sort of cloth on his bottom only to take it off a few hours later” explained Kate.
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Odds shorten on royal baby being named ‘Vote Tory’

Kate models her pillow

Baby name could give Tories a small bump.

Ladbrokes has revealed that ‘Vote Tory’ is the odds-on favourite name for the royal baby, after a visit to Buckingham palace by Ed Miliband.

Less than 10 minutes after the Labour leader left the premises, a flurry of bets were made from a large address in St. James’s Park.

“It’s an unusual name”, admitted Gail Evans of Harold’s branch of the bookies. “In fact it’s so rare that if they were one day to be monarch, they would only be ‘Vote Tory IV’.”

A number of names have been suggested recently, including ‘Goodfor Tourism’, ‘Nigel’ and ‘Gene Pool Enlargement Specimen B’.
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Elton John to sing ‘Candle in the wind’ at Richard III’s funeral

elton

Available in the foyer or on download

At Leicester Cathedral today, Elton John will play yet another version of ‘Candle in the wind’.

“Funnily enough” said the Cabbage Patch doll of Pop “it debuted at Richard III’s first funeral and Bernie agreed we should wheel it out again for this one.”

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Prince Harry to offer hand-relief to the homeless

harry shuffle

Prince Harry demonstrates ‘the royal wave’.

Prince Harry has revealed he will be offering hand relief to the homeless, as he quests to fill a hole left by his exit from the army.

‘Happy Ending’ is a charity that’s particularly close to his heart, and was started by his mother when she first met Will Carling.

“For some vagrants, the thought of a warm hand on their ‘little tramp’ is too much to hope for”, explained Harry. “Particularly in the winter, or with fingerless gloves.”

Harry admitted that he isn’t the most academic member of the royal family, but insisted he was still capable of joylessly bringing relief to ‘literally five or six’ hobos a day.

“I’m in a privileged position, I have plenty of masturbatiers ‘on hand’ day or night”, revealed Harry. “But rough sleepers don’t even have a simple butler to fall back on.”
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Prince Harry set to step down from Royal Family

So long and thanks for the drinks

So long and thanks for the drinks

Kensington Palace has confirmed Prince Harry will be leaving the Royal Family at the end of June.

A spokesman was keen to stress that the red headed action man was not being thrown out of the Family, saying, “It’s not so much he’s being kicked out of the Royal Family; more, he was never a member of the Family in the first place.”

Palace insiders admitted things had come to a head recently with the lack of any family resemblance becoming increasingly obvious as Prince William’s hair has decided to recede faster than a Sandringham hare at the sight of a royal gun. Continue reading

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Prince William arrives in China to see how ‘new royal baby’ merchandise is coming along

rs_560x415-130624152710-1024.RoyalBaby14.mh.062413Prince William has arrived in China to help strengthen trading ties with the UK, and to see how the ‘new royal baby’ merchandise is coming along.

Visiting a sweatshop on the outskirts of Beijing, the second in line to the throne inspected a new range of plates, tea towels, and baby lizard toys that should be ready in time for the birth of his second child.

Speaking at the sweatshop, wearing a high visibility protective line of bodyguards, the Duke of Cambridge commended the employees on their work ethic.

“I’m grateful these workers are putting in 18 hour days in appalling conditions just to put my wife’s face on a plate” the prince said. “George had only just starting walking at their age”
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Prince who lives in bubble fears radical Islam’s disconnect from reality

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Apparently Isis also take dim young men, pop them into a uniform and tell them they’re better than everyone else

Prince Charles has used an interview on Radio 2’s The Sunday Hour this morning to speak of his “real worry” that radical Islam is buggering up the Middle East more emphatically than the Kardashians are screwing the very concept of reality.

Charles, who has been raised from birth to believe that he will one day be Defender of the Faith and crowned king by the Archbishop of Canterbury in Westminster Abbey, lamented the “distortions that are made of the great religions.” Continue reading

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‘Prince Philip not nearly racist enough for knighthood’, complain Australians

"Is that a spear in your pocket, or are you pleased to see me"

“Is that a spear in your pocket, or are you pleased to see me”

Prime Minister Tony Abbott’s announcement that Prince Philip is to receive an Australian knighthood was greeted with amazement by ordinary Australians, who complained there are plenty of more deserving home-grown racists.

“His affable, good-natured brand of racism is all talk and no action”, said Shane from Brisbane. “As far as I know Philip’s never even lightly toasted an Aborigine, let alone grilled one on the barbie.”
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The 50 most irritating people of 2014: The Top 20

Top 3This is it, the top 20 of our top 50 most irritating people of 2014.

Is that a drum roll we can hear in the distance, or perhaps a fanfare in honour of our No.1?

This list has been lovingly created after weeks of irritable evaluation. Several late bids have been made, but the standard this year is very high, so the person who shook their popcorn behind me continually at the cinema last night has still only reached No.72, just above the creators of Frozen. Continue reading

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Prince William set to open his house for homeless heroes at Christmas

Veteran John Horse samples the Royal lager collection.

Veteran John Horse samples the Royal lager collection.

Homeless charities have welcomed the news that the Duke of Cambridge is to provide shelter for servicemen and women who have fallen on hard times after serving their country in the armed forces.

Speaking yesterday in support of a newspaper appeal, Prince William, who himself served in the front line plucking stranded adventurers off the treacherous cliffs of Wales in his  helicopter, Budgie, said:

“I am so concerned about the number of heroes who have struggled to adapt to civilian life and wound up sleeping rough in our cities, that for once instead of just lecturing you, I’m actually going to do something myself and open the doors of my vast London home at Christmas to these wretched people. I’m going to feed them, clothe them and offer them trained support to help them get their lives back on track.” Continue reading

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DNA test brings surprising new theory of Richard III’s appearance

jameshewittrichardIII

Artist’s impression of how King Richard III might have looked

Analysis of DNA from Richard III has allowed researchers to establish with greater confidence than ever what the Plantagenet king actually looked like, it was revealed today.

Far from being the hunchbacked dark-haired figure of legend, it is now believed that the King in fact had “reddy-brown” hair, and walked with the upright gait typical of, say, a  household cavalry officer in the British Army.

“Richard III has traditionally been seen as this evil stooped man who would imprison Princes in the Tower of London,” explained one researcher, “But our testing indicates that he would be far more likely to have  attended the Royal Military Academy at Sandhurst, been commissioned into the Life Guards as a second lieutenant and eventually to have been promoted to captain. After serving as a tank commander in the Gulf he probably retired from the British Army and opened a golf driving range, that sort of thing.”

When asked if there were any implications for the current Royal Family’s claim to the throne or the order of succession, the researcher coughed slightly and muttered something that sounded like: “Well, they might have to skip one”.

 

 

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Being beheaded ‘will not silence Prince Charles’

prince_charles

The fruit plate

The prospect of his eventual coronation coming at a time of growing civil unrest and revolution will not stop him from intervening in national affairs, even if his head should end up being cut off and placed on a spike, Prince Charles has confirmed.

Rising public disaffection with authority and unprecedented support for republicanism are likely to combine in an explosively violent uprising in which Buckingham Palace will be stormed by the masses and those within slaughtered, the Prince has admitted, but he is adamant that he will continue to press for farmers’ rights wherever possible.

“He will be true to his beliefs and convictions,” said a palace source. “Particularly those relating to Duchies. He’s not actually aware of any actual Duchies other than that of Cornwall, but he’s going ‘balls-out’ for them anyway.”

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Prince Philip forced to delete first tweet

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Following in the footsteps of his wife, Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Philip has sent and almost immediately deleted his first tweet.

Tweeting under the user name @Imnotracistbut, the Prince Philip dedicated his first 140 characters to insulting at least four races.
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