Escaping their roots?
Following the conviction of a “ginger extremist” for plotting to kill Princes Charles and William, the Daily Mail has revealed that up to 50% of so-called refugees from Syria could actually be secret gingers on a mission to undermine the UK’s brown and blond society.
“People see heartbreaking pictures of migrants in boats apparently fleeing a warzone,” argued Mail editor Paul Dacre today, “But have you ever noticed how many of them are wearing hats?”
“Many of them are coming over here, claiming to be light brown or ‘strawberry blonde’, but it’s clear that in many cases this is nothing but a ruse.”
A spokesperson from the UK’s National Council of Gingers expressed shock at the assumption that redheads were terrorists based purely on the colour of their hair.
“It may be true that many of the refugees follow are of ginger background,” he explained, “But the vast majority of gingers are peaceful, hard-working folk, even if they do look a bit funny.”
Instances of gingerphobia are on the rise worldwide, as seen in the recent incident in a US school when a ginger pupil was arrested by police after bringing in a comb which teachers found threatening.
President Obama attempted to make it up to the boy by inviting him to visit the White House any time he wants, provided he wears some sort of hair net, and a message of solidarity was issued from the National Association for the Advancement of Bald People.
Kate’s hair stylishly located on her head
Kate Middleton has hair, and you can too!
Kate’s hair is, in the classical tradition, stylishly located on her head.
The secret to having hair like Kate is to make sure you have hair on your head too. Simply look in a mirror at eye level, look up a bit, and if you see hair, you are in luck!
Don’t have a mirror? No problem! Put your finger between your eyes, raise it up a few inches, and if you feel something stringy, you have hair like Kate! If you feel something stringy, and then something scalpy, you have hair like William, ha, ha, ha!
Left Twix or Righ Twix?
A relaxed and tanned Duchess of Cambridge has made her first solo official visit since the birth of Princess Charlotte in May.
Sporting a smart new fringe, the Duchess, 33, visited the Anna Freud Centre to learn how the charity is working to help young people with mental health issues.
“It really gave me something to think about, seeing someone so effortlessly beautiful Continue reading
Chinned and ginger, just like dad.
Prince Harry will not appear on the popular genealogy show ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’, a coroner for one of the producers has confirmed.
Despite being third in line for the throne, Harry Windsor has a noticeable jaw and some hair left. The BBC family tree programme will not be finding out why.
“We don’t think anyone’s that interested”, said a researcher through the telecom of their panic room. “That’s what the director said, just before he stabbed himself in the back.”
Advances in technology now allow a person’s DNA to be identified from a cheek swab in a matter of minutes.
Sadly, Prince Harry is incapable of producing saliva, revealed the widow of the show’s technical consultant.
Filed under Culture, Royals, TV
“One is the Champion”
By popular demand from Her Majesty’s subjects, we are commanded to provide a further gloved handful of facts about the Queen who is long reigning over us. These facts are just as true as the last set.
Fact! As an in-joke, the rock band Queen asked the actual Queen to sing backing vocals on one of their songs. After being smuggled into the band’s private recording studio at night, Her Majesty can be heard singing the “Are you gonna take me home tonight?” lines on “Fat Bottomed Girls“.
Fact! Prince Charles is so old that most people assume the Queen is his child, but it’s actually the other way round.
Fact! Her Majesty attributes her soft hands to her insistence that her maids always use Fairy Liquid when washing the Royal dishes. Continue reading
A rare photo of Horace Ruffage (see Fact #2)
As the Queen finally passes Bobby Charlton’s long standing record, the Evening Harold is able to reveal five astounding facts about Her Majesty, all which are totally true.
Fact One: As befits a lady who is in her 90th year, Her Majesty has a terrible memory and is easily confused. Since watching The King’s Speech she has become convinced that her father was the spitting image of Colin Firth and that contemporary photos of the late King showing him looking like a cod were doctored to reflect the mood of the time. Her Royal Highness is unable to understand how her mother was able to star in the Harry Potter films. Continue reading
Queen slurred the National Anthem, before sicking on a corgi.
The Queen has finally been subdued and arrested after a drunken rampage in Central London which left eyewitnesses both appalled at the carnage and impressed by how supple she is.
Her Majesty had been celebrating becoming the UK’s longest reigning monarch, beating Queen Victoria’s previous ‘scowl ‘n’ wave’ record of 63 yrs and 216 days by one day and counting.
Police were called to Buckingham Palace after tourists alerted them to ‘an elderly lady drenched in gin’. Continue reading
Officials have roped off the Queen for the final stage of her attempt.
Crowds of fans are cheering the Queen around the clock, waiting for her to lunge over the line and set the record for Britain’s longest reign.
With just days to go, the public has joined officials from the Guinness Book of Records. Sat on a chair with a look of grim determination on her stamp-like face, the monarch’s reign is timed at regular intervals while the crowds roar her on to the finish.
“COME ON QUEEN! YOU CAN DO IT!”, yelled a group from Harold’s WI. “DON’T FORGET YOUR TABLETS! KEEP THAT HEART PUMPING! GOWAAAAN YOUR MAJESTY, NEARLY THERE!”
The Queen of England and Elizabeth Windsor
The BBC has announced the first contestants for this year’s series of Strictly Come Dancing.
Among the notable celebrities are some big name attractions including Robert Mugabe, Josef Fritzl, The Blessed Virgin Mary, new Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor and Les Dennis along with some more controversial choices including Jeremy Vine, a woman off Eastenders and troubled tv chef, Ainsley Harriott. Continue reading
Angry woman no match for PC Flegg’s tazer
An elderly Windsor woman is likely to be disqualified from driving after an incident in which she drove across a Royal Park, nearly hitting a young couple walking their baby.
The woman, who has not been named, is reported to have claimed that she mistook the young family for another couple she knew and their “latest brat” and swerved away the moment she realised her mistake.
The young Queen in more innocent times, enjoying a nazi salute with ‘Uncle Rupert’
Buckingham Palace has been forced to defend the Queen after it emerged that pictures of Her Majesty had been published in The Sun newspaper, owned by the evil tyrant Rupert Murdoch.
Members of the public were shocked today to find out that Queen Elizabeth had appeared in the reviled pages of the detested publication, forcing palace officials to hastily issue a statement insisting that the appearance of the photograph was an innocent event which had been blown out of all proportion.
“The photograph was taken a long time ago,” claimed a spokesperson, “When many people just didn’t realise how evil The Sun really was. Being a naive 89-year-old, the Queen simply didn’t understand what it meant to be linked to Rupert Murdoch, and we would like to assure everyone that she is not, and has never been, a grubby far-right bucket of sleaze. There are plenty of other people in the royal family to take care of all that.” Continue reading
Filed under Media, Royals
The Royal Wee?
It’s been quite a week for the Duchess of Cornwall and her growing collection of white accessories. First she was given a used sweatband at Wimbledon by Andy Murray; and yesterday she was given one of little Princess Charlotte’s nappies at her Sandringham christening.
From all accounts, the Duchess has been collecting whites for many years, but this only came to public knowledge last week when the Scottish tennis star threw his sweatband into the Royal Box and a delighted Camilla popped the sweaty item into her handbag. Apparently, the only criteria for items to qualify for her collection are that the items should be white (or white-ish) and to have been used by a notable person.
Prince Charles has been long aware of his wife’s unusual hobby and gave her a set of Queen Victoria’s bloomers as a wedding gift to accompany a pair of underpants of Prince Albert which Camilla has framed above the mantelpiece in her Highgrove House dressing room. Continue reading
Russell Brand: believes he can cure scrofula by touch
With hours to go until her christening Buckingham Palace has announced that Russell Brand will be Princess Charlotte’s godfather.
“I’m doing this out of pity for someone trapped in a bubble of privilege with no idea how ordinary people live,” said the princess. “I thought it would be a nice gesture. Plus we have something in common in that I don’t even superficially understand the world and just talk gibberish too.” Continue reading
The slippery bastard didn’t even ask for any paternity tests.
People who assumed Prince Charles was some kind of Machiavellian monster have been irritated by the sheer banality of his letters.
Published under the Freedom of Information Act, the previously secret letters contain nothing more than balanced, intelligent advice.
“It’s annoyed me, I just assumed we’d dig up some dirt”, said paranoia expert Nigel Lampoon. “But it’s all ‘Thanks for supporting my kid’s charity’, ‘please give our soldiers proper equipment’, and ‘I’d quite like to save the albatross’. The inconsiderate bastard.”
Filed under Politics, Royals
So, so happy
The suffering people of Nepal have shrugged off the impact of a massive earthquake by taking to the streets to celebrate the birth of a new Royal princess.
“It’s such good news for the British public,” said delighted Anchal Tursing, “they must be fed up of hearing about our misery. We really love the Royal Family and even if I hadn’t been forced into the streets by the earthquake I’d be out here celebrating wildly. It might be selfish, but I can’t help but wish the rest of my family had survived to enjoy this special day.” Continue reading
Residents in Baltimore have been out in force celebrating the Duchess of Cambridge’s admission into Hospital.
“Nothing brings an oppressed community together like the impending birth of an over privileged white child” one protester said.
An apologetic Kate promised she will hurry up and give birth now she remembers this bit was her job and not the nanny’s.
“It’s a little embarrassing, I thought nanny Maria was just slacking off as she constantly played that strange game with George where she keeps putting some sort of cloth on his bottom only to take it off a few hours later” explained Kate.
Baby name could give Tories a small bump.
Ladbrokes has revealed that ‘Vote Tory’ is the odds-on favourite name for the royal baby, after a visit to Buckingham palace by Ed Miliband.
Less than 10 minutes after the Labour leader left the premises, a flurry of bets were made from a large address in St. James’s Park.
“It’s an unusual name”, admitted Gail Evans of Harold’s branch of the bookies. “In fact it’s so rare that if they were one day to be monarch, they would only be ‘Vote Tory IV’.”
A number of names have been suggested recently, including ‘Goodfor Tourism’, ‘Nigel’ and ‘Gene Pool Enlargement Specimen B’.
Available in the foyer or on download
At Leicester Cathedral today, Elton John will play yet another version of ‘Candle in the wind’.
“Funnily enough” said the Cabbage Patch doll of Pop “it debuted at Richard III’s first funeral and Bernie agreed we should wheel it out again for this one.”
Prince Harry demonstrates ‘the royal wave’.
Prince Harry has revealed he will be offering hand relief to the homeless, as he quests to fill a hole left by his exit from the army.
‘Happy Ending’ is a charity that’s particularly close to his heart, and was started by his mother when she first met Will Carling.
“For some vagrants, the thought of a warm hand on their ‘little tramp’ is too much to hope for”, explained Harry. “Particularly in the winter, or with fingerless gloves.”
Harry admitted that he isn’t the most academic member of the royal family, but insisted he was still capable of joylessly bringing relief to ‘literally five or six’ hobos a day.
“I’m in a privileged position, I have plenty of masturbatiers ‘on hand’ day or night”, revealed Harry. “But rough sleepers don’t even have a simple butler to fall back on.”
Filed under charity, Royals