Some oafs believe the world rotates around Clarkson.
Students at Harold’s Shining Future Academy will be allowed to miss lessons on Friday morning, so they can experience 35 minutes with a reduced view of Clarkson.
But teachers have warned that staring directly at Clarkson can cause a loss of perspective, and they worry about the effect he might have on pupils.
The Clarkson Eclipse is expected to start during the 8.00am news bulletins, but there’s a slim chance someone might not see it.
“It could be clouded out by more important news”, revealed headmaster Clive Morris, “such as the outbreak of nuclear war, an alien invasion, or…well, nothing else really. It’s such a big deal, if the hype is to be believed.”
We don’t know who created this Lego Islamic extremist but our hat is off to them
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of Isis, has said that his end goal is a global Caliphate consisting of himself.
“Once I’ve excluded/killed women, everyone who’s LGBT, Jews, non-believers, anyone who looks at me funny, Jews again just to make sure, and all those who refuse to acknowledge that Christopher Eccelstone was the best Doctor Who there aren’t many people left,” he said in a statement released today. Continue reading
Filed under News, Religion
preaching about the love of money on Sundays and Monday to Friday
David Cameron has defended former Trade Minister Lord Green, who’s behaviour as a boss at ‘The world’s local money laundry’ has been criticised simply because HSBC as a whole were a bunch of corporate chumps.
“Look, Stephen Green only came aboard after a full integrity-vetting from Andy [Coulson]. Then I gave him a fancy title, so he didn’t have to go through all that tiresome ‘being elected’ nonsense. And a job helping businesses to earn money we didn’t have because his previous company helped people to hide money from HMRC. Do I mean HMRC? Or is that HSBC? Oh well.”
The Prime Minister went on “Thieving bastards? No, not at all. And thieving is such a subjective term don’t you think?.”
Apparently Isis also take dim young men, pop them into a uniform and tell them they’re better than everyone else
Prince Charles has used an interview on Radio 2’s The Sunday Hour this morning to speak of his “real worry” that radical Islam is buggering up the Middle East more emphatically than the Kardashians are screwing the very concept of reality.
Charles, who has been raised from birth to believe that he will one day be Defender of the Faith and crowned king by the Archbishop of Canterbury in Westminster Abbey, lamented the “distortions that are made of the great religions.” Continue reading
Filed under Religion, Royals
Should this wide-eyed fanatic be tolerated?
Eric Pickles has made a personal written plea to individual members of the Hopkins family asking them to stand with the rest of the UK in defeating hatred while one member of their clan continues to run amok.
“We know that acts of headline grabbing and offence are not representative of the Hopkins family,” he wrote. “But we need to show what is.” Continue reading
Pope Francis has cut a trip to Tacloban in the Philippines short so he can avoid Tropical Storm Mekkhala, leading some to question his faith in God to keep him safe.
“You would have thought he is the one person in the world God would want to look after,” one of the faithful braving the weather to see the pontiff said.
“I mean, it’s not like he is an evil person, or an innocent African child or anyone else God always seems to pick on; he’s the Pope.”
Filed under News, Religion
Saudi cleric Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid has issued a ban on the building of snowmen in the north of the country following the appearance overnight of a 3 foot tall icy effigy of the Prophet Mohammed.
In a statement the cleric declared that to make statues in the form of any human was sinful, but to make one that looks a bit like how they imagine someone who lived 1400 odd years ago but of whom, not surprisingly, no pictures exist in a medium that doesn’t really lend itself to accurate depictions of facial features; particularly eye colour, skin tone and general beard scraggliness; was not only highly blasphemous, but also quite silly.
Photo for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to religious figures living or dead is purely coincidental.
Saudi riot police were despatched to the area where they set about smashing up, shooting and beheading all the offending snow demons and arresting groups of small children armed with an array of deadly bobble hats, scarves and woolly mittens.
Police eventually managed to restore order by arresting the ringleader, a jolly happy soul with a corn cob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal following a brief shootout at the offices of a French Santarist magazine.
For some unknown reason Andy’s last BMW rusted badly
St Paul’s deputy priest-in-charge is delighted with the new motorcycle he recently picked up from City Link’s local depot.
“My old bike was very corroded but I couldn’t claim under BMW warranty just because I’d got it free when it washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.”
Curate Andy heard people could collect parcels from the bankrupt courier company, hitched a lift to Dunstable and was first in the queue on Monday morning. “I didn’t want to go in on the sabbath Continue reading
The organisation behind the world’s largest child abuse cover up, the Catholic Church, has voted not to welcome gay and lesbian people into the church on ‘moral grounds’.
An ex-priest and current occupier of cell 565, G Wing, told us he is broadly behind the more conservative bishops’ stance.
Filed under Crime, Religion
PC Flegg claimed that several moons had been reported in the area.
Monday night’s ‘super moon’ has left a trail of descruction, culminating in damage to Harold’s village church.
The enormous moon was spotted by concerned locals as early as 6.30pm, and police were called to try and persuade it to ‘nick off’.
PC Anita Flegg attempted to move it along, and was eventually forced to deploy her taser. But it continued to loiter, and leaned heavily on the church roof. Flegg claimed the moon was ‘completely unphased’.
Despite an empassioned speech by the Reverend Tansy Forster, the moon dislodged several tiles, before bending the pointed bit with a small cock on the top.
Never knowingly upsetting
Straight after the news that Sainsbury’s had withdrawn all meat products, due to concerns about protesting vegetarians, and vegetables due to fears of upsetting meat eaters, the retail giant has announced they will not stock any Christmas related items in the run up to December 25th.
“It wasn’t an easy decision,” said a spokesperson, “ the run up to Christmas is usually our busiest time, but the majority of our customers aren’t real Christians and we didn’t want them to become upset and start cutting people’s heads off and putting the footage on twitter. That wouldn’t be great publicity, would it?” Continue reading
Grey vs. Bible. One’s fan fiction that somehow become wildly influential and the other is…ah, you know how this one ends
In order to reflect the diversity of the UK and the fact that it is home to people of many faiths and none, Travelodge has removed copies of the Bible from all its rooms and replaced them with copies of Fifty Shades of Grey and a Freddo bar.
Travelodge spokeswoman, Kat Simmonds, told the Evening Harold that when it came to having the Bible loose “we didn’t feel it was appropriate and so have replaced it with what our research tells us is the best alternative.”
“We realised that most people who stay in a Travelodge are alone and wondering why their life has come to this,” Kat Simmonds explained. “So the chocolate is there for some emotional over-eating and Fifty Shades is provided for the kind of joyless bout of self-pleasure that only someone who has to stay in budget inns a lot will understand.” Continue reading
“WBC is as much a church as Tony Blair’s a Peace Envoy” – God
Westboro Baptist Church’s announcement that they will picket Robin William’s funeral on the grounds that he was a “fag pimp” has prompted God to announce that he has always picketed them and in fact has never once been inside nor ever met any of its members. Continue reading
Radicalised youngsters unable to resist temptation
A local parish church has been slammed for a ‘blatant attack’ on Islam after deciding to hold their annual fete during the month of Ramadan.
Professor Luke Thorne, chair of the Easily Offended on Behalf of Others Society said “I was astounded when I was told Harold parish church was holding their fete, complete with a barbeque and cake stall, during a period of religious observance when the consumption of food is not permitted during the hours of daylight.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Religion
The European Court of Human Rights has upheld France’s ban on women wearing a veil or other full far covering for religious reasons, but say you can still cover your face for rioting reasons.
“Although they may wish to cover up for their religious beliefs and for their personal views on modesty, it is a more important human right that the far-right in France can see the Muslim they are hating,” the judge at the court said.
“However if these women still insist on covering up, then they need to join the likes of the EDL, Golden Dawn, and France’s National Front and exercise their right to don a full face balaclava to avoid being identified when setting fire to a mosque.”
Today marks the start of Ramadan in Britain. To celebrate we present our Top Ten Ramadan Facts and some cartoons. Except there’s no cartoons, for obvious reasons.
- Ramadan marks the anniversary of the Qur’an being revealed to the Prophet Muhammad. It is a holy month celebrated around the world. Simon Cowell’s 2004 attempt to have a month in which many people celebrated Steve Brookstein failed to have the same enduring appeal.
Some have criticised Jihadist management techniques as ‘crude’.
Islamic insurgents who took over an oil refinery in Iraq are confident they ‘have what it takes’ to run the plant efficiently.
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi addressed his associates, while clutching an AK-47 and a Six Sigma training manual.
“Allah Akbar, change management is great”, said al-Baghdadi. “This new agile way of working will value all partners equally, especially those infidels who have relevant engineering qualifications.”
Al-Baghdadi explained how his first initiative was to introduce a flat management structure. “I did this by entering the boardroom and gunning everyone down, and then leaving the bodies to lay on the floor. It was a frank but constructive meeting, we do not have a blame culture.”
You can smell the real thing. This is solid silver, put it back in the safe
Pope Francis has condemned what he called the Mafia’s adoration of evil, saying the gangsters were now effectively excommunicated in the eyes of the Church.
A notoriously dangerous criminal organisation, with complex financial structures and a vast network of agents across world, the Catholic Church is keen to preserve its status as Italy’s ‘Number 1’. Continue reading
Filed under Crime, Religion
Dawkins claimed such a situation was statistically improbable.
Atheist parents should stop reading Richard Dawkins to their children, in case they grow up thinking the world isn’t magical.
That’s the advice being given by a leading pagan, who thinks religion is OK as long as it involves drinking, dancing and some really cool tricks.
‘Although Richard is real, there’s a lot about him that’s unbelievable’ said Nigel Pendragon, a self-styled druid and ukulele enthusiast. ‘Most youngsters wouldn’t seriously think that anyone was such a joyless monster. If you thought church was dull, wait until you bump into Dawkins at a Christmas party. He’ll go on and on about evergreens, Romans and turkeys.’
The fashion-challenged are also warmly embraced
The Church of England has banned clergy from being members of the BNP or the National Front however it was quick to reassure its priests that other forms of bigotry are still absolutely fine. Continue reading