Category Archives: Travel

Map reveals areas that will lose out from HS2

hs2map

Red indicates an area that will be bled dry by the project.

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Family to release holiday video ‘straight to Netflix’

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With modern technology changing our viewing habits, the Jeffery family from Harold have made the decision to release this year’s holiday video straight to Netflix.

“Over the years, people are showing less and less interest in viewing the ‘Jeffery Family Holiday’ video at the scheduled broadcast time” Ms Jeffery explained.

“At first I thought they were trying to send us a hint that maybe they weren’t that interested, but after a bit of research I found out most people like to view things on demand now. That explains why nobody turned up last year, or the year before that.”
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Filed under Entertainment, Lifestyle, News, Travel

Mechanics ‘delighted’ with new Travelodge recommendation

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Following years of being ranked by mechanics from The AA and RAC, hotel group Travelodge have decided to start ranking Motor Garages. A maximum of 5 stars can be achieved as mechanics are judged on their customer service, ability to resist sighing during an examination, and the inappropriate positioning of a Page 3 calendar.
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Train companies to use 4.1% fare rise to create ‘bring your own seat’ carriages.

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Passengers are advised to bring a spare hamock should floor space be at a premium

With the announcement that rail fares will rise by an average of 4.1% next year, train companies have unveiled how they will use the extra money to increase seating opportunities for customers during peak periods. Current rolling stock will be stripped out and tickets will now be sold on a ‘bring your own seat’ basis.

“We acknowledge that passengers tend not to like change, so we will keep the option to stand for a three hour journey” Great Western trains managing director, Tim Hopwood, explained. “We believe this will still be the most popular option following our trials on livestock, but for the most discerning customer they can bring their own seat.”

The news has led to people panic buying, leaving many motorway service areas without stock of their 2 for £10 camping chairs.

Passenger groups have said that although they are not happy with a 4.1% rise in fares being used to reduce the level of service they receive, they have said the changes are not as bad as they though they would be.

In a statement, one group said they had feared much worse after seeing prototypes for roller blades adapted to run on rails. However the train companies have said they were just testing out the idea, but the trials on the same livestock was less successful.

Controversially, these changes will see first class carriages also stripped bare, but as Mr Hopwood explained, this will cause far less of an issue.

“We found that those that have the sort of money that means they can upgrade from a private jet to a first class rail ticket are usually in the position to have staff carry they couch on board for them, or at the very least, they can sit on one of their civil servants.”

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Closure fears for precinct’s ‘Bongo Bongo Land’

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Um bongo um bongo, they play them outside Tesco.

Harold’s leading ethnic percussionist has claimed his shop may not survive, following a withering attack by local politician Ron Ronsson.

Bongo Bongo Land has been selling slightly shoddy hand drums since 1993, when they took over the units previously occupied by failed Dawn’s Zulu Xylophones and the adjoining African airline agent, Fly Tse Tse.

With locals keen to add an international flavour to their conservatories and hallways, George Evans’ deer-hided instruments were once the perfect accompaniment to Indonesian face masks, native American dream catchers and ‘Welsh Drums’ made from a bin lid and half a brick.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Politics, Travel

Experts baffled by hotel balcony death falls

The Dizzy Heights Hotel

The Dizzy Heights Hotel

Overseas tourist officials they are baffled by Benidorm Bungee, a syndrome which has caused an increasing number of young holidaymakers to plunge to their death from hotel balconies for no apparent reason.

The syndrome, named after the resort where it first occurred, only seems to affect British tourists, striking them down in the early hours of the morning without warning. Most of its victims are young with no previous balance or health issues.

Stacey Briggs, 21, lost Darren, her boyfriend of two days, to an attack of Benidorm Bungee whilst on holiday in Magaluf in June. “We’d just got back to my hotel room after ending up at that El Tequila Slammer Bar. As I was chucking up, Darren said he would get some air on the balcony and, then, he was gone. It was all so sudden. He didn’t even say goodbye.” Continue reading

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Bruce Willis and team of mavericks ‘going in there to get that royal baby out’

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We’re going in…

The nail-biting wait for the Duchess of Cambridge’s baby has proven too much for a a rag-tag bunch of mavericks, who have sworn to “go in there and get that damn baby out, or die in the attempt”.

Bruce Willis, Liam Neeson and Sylvester Stallone announced at a press conference this morning that they “were not prepared to sit here doing nothing any longer”, and are therefore planning an immediate raid into the inner depths of the royal womb to get the baby out, “whatever it takes”.

“Don’t try and stop us,” insisted Willis to horrified journalists, “We’re going in. And we don’t care how messy it gets. Yippee-ki-yay, Mother.”

Medical experts insisting that the pregnancy should be allowed to run its natural course were dismissed as “typical commie liberal do-nothing handwringers” by Willis, who pointed out that this was exactly the kind of nay-saying objection he experienced before his mission against a gigantic asteroid in the movie Armageddon.

Stallone was just as quick to overrule any suggestion that it might be tricky for three beefy men to gain entrance to Kate’s vagina, not least when tooled up with the impressive array of ropes, spotlights and specialist diving equipment they are planning to use.

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Filed under Lost and Found, Medicine, Royals, Sex, Travel

Harold to get ‘Indoor Runway’ by 2014

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Mind the cabbages!

Following winter flight delays at many UK airports, Harold Council has given the thumbs up for an all-weather cover at the ‘airstrip’ behind Church Road allotments. Eschewing technology used at sports venues, the allotment committee has taken a more straightforward approach.

“Of course, we looked at Wimbledon. The strawberries were good but the sliding roof would have cost about £13.6m; even with the Trevor Bayliss hand-wind version.” said committee spokesperson Frank Johnson.

“Anyway, allotment subs had already gone up by £4 this year so we plumped for something a little more affordable, keeping the ‘horticultural look’ of the area. In the end, we ordered heavy-duty polythene covers from Gardman Polytunnels. Funnily enough their ‘Jumbo’ range accommodates a 1930s Douglas Dakota DC3, with over a foot to spare at either wing tip, and might be safe with 25mm of snow and 30mph winds.”

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Health tourism: Local hospital reviewed. 3 stars

From the outset the décor felt 'clinical'

From the outset the décor felt ‘clinical’

With health tourism on the increase and the NHS being asked to charge more for it’s holiday services, we decided to take a weekend city break at the Luton and Dunstable University Hospital to review the amenities of this growing holiday sector.

Arriving at the hospital on a Friday evening, the first thing that we noticed is the large amounts of Brits that were very drunk and had clearly been fighting. Although we were located between Luton and Dunstable, this could have been any Spanish resort favoured by package holiday travel agents.

The receptionist seemed to be over-worked when we finally reached her desk. We were tenth in line when we joined the end of it, however we did notice the typical holiday problem of other being unable to queue. It seems that at this location arriving in an ambulance gives you priority checking in and saves you a four hour wait. Had it said this in the brochure, we may have opted for the ‘car crash’ option.
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Druids ‘cautiously interested’ in new Stonehenge airport plan

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Left a bit!

After initial fierce opposition, England’s druids are reported to be ‘coming round’ to controversial new plans to build London’s fourth airport within a few metres of the ancient monument of Stonehenge.

After the recent closure of the nearby main road, hopes were high that the sacred area would at last be returned to its ancient glory. These hopes were cruelly dashed by the immediate announcement that the space formerly taken by the road would actually be dedicated to a 5km concrete runway, long enough to service the largest long-haul airliners and significantly ease the congestion of London’s other airports.

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Filed under Religion, Travel, Vikings

Travel agent to start asking about your next haircut

Harold Travel A travel agent in Harold has left customers confused by their new approach to customer services, killing the quiet moments by asking inane questions.

‘The Salon Method’ as it has become known was started by Sally Bun, manager of Harold Travel. “During a recent wash and colour, my hairdresser asked me about my holiday” she explained.

“I told her I was going to Spain. This was the cue for her to spend the next half an hour telling me about how she had been to the same resort. She went there with her best friend and came back with Chlamydia. It was a great way to fill the awkward silence.”
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New rules for middle-lane hoggers and tailgaters may be used to stop u-turns in Westminster

Miliband was asked to point left for photographers

Miliband was asked to point left for photographers

With motorway police getting new powers to issue on-the-spot fines and penalty points for offences such as middle-lane hogging, police in the Westminster have asked for similar powers to reduce the increasing amount of careless manoeuvres such as u-turns.

The latest person found to be caught making unexpected moves is Ed Miliband, who has been witnessed committing a number of dangerous u-turns around his financial policy. Under the proposed plans, this would have resulted in a £60 fine and three points.
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Rail Company to introduce ‘Fart Class’ carriages

GuffsThe Greater Anglia rail franchise has announced plans to reserve a carriage for passengers who are unable to control their intestinal gas emissions.

A spokesman for the railway company,  who hope to eventually power trains from recycled emissions, explained the thinking behind the designation of a new flatulence carriage, for those already being dubbed ‘Fart Class’ passengers.

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