Category Archives: Lifestyle

Woman fails to mention cancerous child and demented parent when complaining about her energy bill.

‘I’m going to write to Watchdog, blah, blah, blahdy blah….’

Breaking with years of well established tradition Mrs Fiona Warburton of Harold managed to complain to EDF about the accuracy of her energy bills without once mentioning her elderly mother’s advanced Alzheimer’s or her daughter’s terminal leukaemia. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Business, Children, idiots, Lifestyle, Media, News, Society, Technology

Cilla’s teeth to be made into Liverpool Stonehenge replica.

copy-of-dsc03789In a lasting memorial to the late Cilla Black, the mayor of Liverpool, Joe Anderson has announced that her monumental gnashers are to be made into a full sized replica of Stonehenge. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, charity, Culture, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Liverpool, Media, Showbusiness, Society, Tourism

Are you a true Brit? Take the Evening Harold Britishness test and find out.

British is who you are, not what you are.

Question 1.

You are in the supermarket when the store manager announces over the tannoy that an imminent meteor strike is heading your way. Do you

A – Panic buy all the toilet paper, shoving children and old ladies out of the way in your hurry to get what’s rightfully yours?

B – Use it as an opportunity to steal a laptop while everyone is distracted?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Queue patiently for the self service check out, tutting occasionally at all the noise and disorder.

Question 2.

You are on a crowded bus when a frail, elderly gentleman of dark skinned appearance struggles on only to find no seats available. Do you

A – Cast your eyes everywhere but at him in the hope that you don’t meet his gaze.

B – Take the piss out of his shoes?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Offer him your seat insisting that it’s perfectly fine despite your broken leg and neck brace?

Question 3.

You are watching the television news when a piece comes on about a major tragedy affecting hundreds of foreign people in a country you’ve never even heard of. Do you

A – Switch over to watch “When The World’s Shoutiest TV Presenters Attack”?

B – Laugh?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Immediately ring the charity help line to make a small donation then go and make a cup of tea?

Question 4.

You hear that a family of Syrian asylum seekers is moving into the house next door. Do you

A – Immediately start a petition among the local residents to get the filthy scrounging foreign benefit claiming scum removed?

B – Spray paint abusive messages on their front door telling them to go home?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Knock on the door to see if they need anything and invite them to pop round for a nice cup of tea?

Question 5.

You are on holiday in Majorca with your family when you see a woman wearing full burka despite the 40 degree heat. Do you

A – Carry on walking to the ‘Queen Victoria’ British theme pub, grab a pint of John Smith’s and an all day fry up then sit and moan about all the foreigners coming into Europe these days bringing their weird customs and practices and doing nothing to integrate with the local culture?

B – Throw stones at her until she cries?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Think to yourself that she must be jolly warm under that lot and wonder whether she’d appreciate a refreshing cup of tea?

Time to check your answers.

Mostly A – You are probably aged 18 to 35 and have grown up on a diet of Jeremy Kyle, Daily Mail and social media. You’re more of a bigot than your parents but not as bad as your kids. You believe everything you read on the internet.

Mostly B – You are probably aged 11 to 18 and were brought up by people who answered mostly A.

Mostly C – You are either a member of Islamic State or an American. It’s really not easy to tell from your answers.

Mostly D – You have many of the traits that made British people great before consumerism, Americanisation, me-first attitudes and the practice of everything catering solely for the hard-of-thinking took root. Congratulations, you can stay.

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Culture, Europe, International News, Lifestyle, News, Politics, Society, Uncategorized

Dads look forward to a rare Sunday without household chores

man asleep on sofa

Even after a hectic week, some men are flat out around the house at weekends

Harold’s fathers are busy planning what not to do on 21st June when, in a break from tradition, their womenfolk will undertake the bulk of cooking, cleaning and childcare.

Many men are still recovering from their Mothers Day exertions, believing it was only ‘a couple of weeks ago’ that they left an unwrapped box of Milk Tray and a small bunch of dayglo flowers on their mum’s’ front doorstep.
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Filed under Around Harold, Greetings cards, Lifestyle, News

David Cameron growing beard to chase youth vote

David_Cameron_beard

Cutting edge

Prime Minister David Cameron has spent the last few weeks secretly growing a beard in a desperate attempt to capture the ‘hipster’ trend sweeping the nation, it emerged today.

The real reason for Cameron avoiding the recent TV dates has been revealed to be nothing to do with being a great big coward with indefensible policies – instead it is simply that the Prime Minister has not wanted to risk unveiling his fledgling growth until its development is beyond ridicule.

“Our researchers tell us that this new ‘hipster’ movement is the key to really getting down with the young generation,” a Downing Street spokesman explained. “These young ‘hepcats’ are going to look at David’s facial hair and see something of themselves in it.”

The suggestion that Cameron might actually be a little bit late in jumping on the hipster bandwagon was rejected by the Prime Minister: “I’m hip and I’m hop, and if the beard doesn’t convince you, wait until you see my amazing new pair of red trousers!” he insisted.

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Filed under Election 2015, Lifestyle

App Review: Periscope allows friends to now share their tedious shit LIVE

image Twitter’s new live streaming app, Periscope, has revolutionised the way dull friends can share their tedious shit by giving you, their ever-grateful friend, a chance to see it live.

Once upon a time, friends sharing pictures of their every meal was the staple diet of social media. Periscope takes that to the next level giving you the chance to watch them cook it, and eat it, all in real time leaving you to realise that turning down every invitation to a dinner party they were having was pointless.

And for those of you that think other people’s kids are, on the whole, snotty little infection spreading devil creatures, you’ll be glad that now you don’t have to flick through the 30,000 pictures of little Tommy on the swing to create the illusion of him moving, you can watch him do it live, hoping to God he falls out at least giving you something to laugh at.

To the delight of the NSA and GCHQ, Periscope is not only for your friends to show you in real time that their cat is “soooooooo cute” because the furry rugby ball can lick its own arse while purring like every other cat. You can also use it to spy on people from all over the world, with their consent.

This has led to endless mind-numbing live streams of news anchors and reporters using Periscope to show them reading the news. This is a truly amazing and eye-opening revelation for anyone unable to get to grips with the complex operation of turning on the TV.

Periscope has also become the new home on the Internet for perverts who think that a woman pointing a camera at themselves is an automatic invitation for requests to ‘show your tits’, with many of the perverts unable to even stretch their vocabulary to the full sentence of the request opting instead for just one word, ‘boobs’.

So all in all, everyone live streaming every detail of their mundane lives is frankly a novelty that we hope will wear off soon or hopefully evolve quicker than many of the knuckle draggers that fill up some of the comments.

Now we must shoot off and watch more of this highly addictive rubbish so we can sneer at it a bit more. We might even live stream a bit ourselves. Have you seen what our office blame monkey Cleggsy McCoy looks like on the toilet?

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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, News, Technology

Poor Daily Mail still confusing Kim Kardashian for news

image The Daily Mail has had its medication reviewed after a study of its website shows it is still confusing Kim Kardashian for news.

“We thought we had dealt with this illness that sees them confuse paparazzi stalking and soft core perversion with news,” The MailOnline’s therapist told us.
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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle

‘Not being allowed to punch someone at work, it’s PC gone mad’. The Internet reacts to Clarkson’s sacking

image The Internet has been reacting angrily following the BBC’s “ridiculous decision” not to renew Jeremy Clarkson’s contract after he beat up a producer.

The BBC made the decision that verbally abusing someone followed by a physical assault that sent them to A&E crossed the line, a decision that was “PC gone mad” according to the Internet.

“If you can’t punch a colleague when you are hungry, then what can you do?” one Daily Mail commenter said but with many more spelling mistakes.
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Filed under Entertainment, Lifestyle, News

Apple self-winding watch ‘goes flat the moment you stop masturbating’

image
A new ‘smart’ watch from Apple that harnesses kinetic energy from frenetic hand movements stops functioning ‘the moment you stop abusing yourself’, according to reports.

Apple claims that the tiny device has a standby time ‘over 25 seconds’, but some testers have found it to be less than ‘half a stroke’ in practice.
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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, News

Poverty to be limited to the poor, pledges Osborne.

Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.

Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.

George Osborne has pledged to eradicate all money problems for poor people after the next election by doing away with all money for poor people. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, charity, Election 2015, Election 2015, Health, Housing, Lifestyle, Medicine, Politics, Society, Troubled Families, Uncategorized

Health scare at Harold knitting circle as members found to have been sharing needles.

JS23831350

Just say No

Future meetings of the Harold knitting circle have been cancelled following an outbreak of Hepatitis B among the group. Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under Badgers, Dr. Evans' Casebook, Drugs, Fashion, Health, Law and Order, Lifestyle, Medicine, Police

Google replaces ‘Glass’ with the ‘Smart Underpant’

google_ass

Virtually invisible

Google is ending sales of its Google Glass eyewear product, and focussing instead on the rapidly-swelling ‘smart underpant’ market.

A spokesperson from Google explained that while Google Glass may return in the future, the firm believes that underpants will take off this year, and is devoting its efforts into getting into them.

The main advantages of the smart undercracker appear to be in its relatively discreet appearance – while the obtrusive Google Glasses led to concerns of privacy and looking like an arse-hat, the new Google Pant will sit snugly on the user’s right testicle, virtually invisible apart from the giant plastic camera poking out of the permanently-open fly. Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, Technology

Man’s sex life soars after advertising his sperm as paleo and gluten-free

gluten-free spermAn unemployed Harold man says his sex life improved dramatically after he started advertising his sperm as paleo and gluten-free.

“It was a bit slow to start with – just the occasional blowy from women with coeliacs” said 45 year old ex-plumber Clive Pickles. “But through word of mouth, most of the village soon knew my man juice was gluten-free and, well, things sort of exploded from there.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle

Disappointment as Cadbury Creme Egg recipe now 84% human excrement

eggs

Could be worse. Could be a finger of fudge.

The American food giant that owns Cadbury’s is facing strong criticism for secretly rolling out a new cheaper Creme Egg, wherein nearly all the goodness of fresh milk chocolate has been replaced with less costly ingredients, specifically, human faeces.

Kraft Foods has replaced the hugely popular Cadbury’s Dairy Milk shell with one made from a crusty mix of dried excrement sourced from several countries, according to reports in the press.

A spokesman for Kraft told journalists “It’s no longer Dairy Milk. It’s similar, but not exactly Dairy Milk. To be brutally honest, there’s more shit. We have austerity too you know. Real chocolate costs money. ”

“We tested the new one with consumers. They were found to be foul-tasting and stinking of excrement, but we’ve given the new egg a firm thumbs-up.”

Fans of the ovoid chocolate treat – first launched 43 years ago- are angry with the change, with one saying: “I’m so disappointed – they’ve been my favourite snack for years. Now the chocolate tastes cheap, like chocolate liquors, only shittier. I’ll probably still buy them though.”

“Thank heavens there’s now only five in the pack, instead of six – that’s a hell of a relief for those of us who don’t like picking turds out of our teeth on a spring afternoon.”

After officials from the Department of Health asked Kraft for confirmation that the new “chocolate” eggs were fit for human consumption, the company issued a statement saying: “Just don’t ask what’s in the creamy bit…”

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Filed under DNA, Easter, Lifestyle

Advertising Feature

For years, men have been complaining about getting that nasty, white, sticky stuff all over their fingers during those all too frequent ‘do it yourself’ sessions.

Manhandling that flexible tube all on their own has left generations frustrated, sore and dissatisfied with the finish.

Easter wouldn't be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Easter wouldn’t be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Well worry no more because Harold based company Inspirational Enterprises are launching a brand new product that will make your solo projects much more satisfying, rewarding and will always produce a happy ending.

Introducing ‘No More No More Nails’.

No More No More Nails is an innovative new system for fixing things to other things. Instead of using messy adhesives that inevitably get on your clothes, the carpet, your wife’s hair and even on really tough days, the cat, in fact everywhere except where you need it to go, No More No More Nails enables you to precisely position things so they go where they’re meant to go and then stay there for as long as they’re meant to stay there.

Made from the highest quality round, stiff metal wire, No More No More Nails is easy to handle and will leave no sticky residue.

Using the patented ‘one flat end and one pointy end’ technology, No More No More Nails can be used with minimal training by even the most inept of home workmen. The No More No More Nails system is so easy to master, heavens!, even a woman could do it.

No More No More Nails is available now with a bag of 2000 pieces costing just £9.99.

Stop!

Stop!

Not only that but for a limited time, there is an introductory offer which includes a further 4000 pieces at no extra cost. plus, buy before the end of January and you will also get this handy No More No More Nails applicator absolutely FREE.

No more sticky fingers. No More No More Nails. That’s nailed it!

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Filed under Advertisments, Badgers, Business, Easter, Lifestyle, science, Technology, Uncategorized

The 50 Most Irritating People of 2014: Part III

23. No Diana effect for Bonio after that accident.

23. No Diana effect for Bonio after that accident.

We’re now into the top 30 of our countdown of the top irritants of the last year.

Just to emphasise, this is a list of irritating people. If there was any way we could bend the rules to include meerkats they would be sure to make the Top 10. Perhaps we should think about a Top 50 most irritating animals next year?

Today we have shock news as some of your favourites fail to make the Top 20, including the bloke on the left:

 

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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, Society

The 50 most irritating people of 2014: Part I

Down to 41 from 20. Only half as irritating as last year.

Down to 41 from 20. Only half as irritating as last year.

It’s the final knockings of 2014 and once again, it’s time to reveal the most irritating people of the past year.  The usual rules apply; we have excluded politicians, but can’t guarantee that a certain Mr Farage won’t make the list as we’re still not sure if he qualifies as a politician. Time will tell.

Today we start our countdown with numbers 50 to 41: Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, Society

Restaurants urged to end boycott of plates

It fell off the roof so we thought we’d find a use for it. Not sure what happened to the fork, sorry about that.

It fell off the roof so we thought we’d find a use for it. Not sure what happened to the fork, sorry about that.

The general public has finally grown tired of having food served to them on a chopping board, or what looks suspiciously like a roof tile, and have pleaded with restaurants to get over whatever issue they have with plates and start using them again.

The last restaurant to serve a main course on traditional crockery did so in 2011 and since then it has been wooden blocks and building materials all the way. Customers are now pointing out that plates, specifically designed for serving food on, complete with handy curvature to stop the food falling off, do the job perfectly well. Some in the restaurant business are not convinced though.  Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, News

UK sees first 13th December 2014 since records began

IMG_0718.PNG Experts in the field of irrelevant data have said today the UK will see the first 13th December 2014 since records began.

Although this date will be seen across the globe for 24 hours starting at midnight, those studying the claim say it is impossible to verify if this is the first occurrence of this date and year combination anywhere in the world, but do back up the data that says it is the first and only time it has been 13th December 2014 in the UK.

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Filed under Lifestyle, News

How to enjoy, or at least survive, the office Christmas party

MarkThe party season is in full swing, and even if you’re not a natural party animal our essential guide will help you find your inner beast.

Although the annual bash has moved away from the office itself, many party venues are offering traditional entertainment with photocopiers and the perennial favourite, the stationery cupboard thrown in along with the tepid turkey, chipolatas and randy DJ.

So here is our handy survival guide: Continue reading

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Filed under Christmas, Lifestyle