Category Archives: Lifestyle

Young couple celebrate getting on printer ink cartridge ladder

hp-cartridgeA young couple from Harold are ecstatic to have purchased their first printer ink cartridge before they turned 30.

“It’s a dream come true to finally hold the HP 364 cartridge in our hands” beamed Nick Stalling. “We’ll be paying it off for 40 years of course, but we now have a printer ink cartridge we can call our own. I only wish gran and grandad were still alive. They had their own typewriter and ribbon so this would’ve meant a lot to them.”
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Hipster aiming for Harold sweet spot

haribo

Junkies lured in by innocuous photos of ‘works’ can be addicted in minutes

Inspired by East London’s Cereal Killer Café, Harold’s resident Hipster Simon Delaney has set up the worlds first Haribo Bar.

Sporting a top knot, twirly tache and dressed like a tramp, Simon’s pop up shop can be found in Harold’s ‘East End’ of the high street, between the Methodist Church and the Library.

Stocking all your favourite flavours, Simon’s also sourced some of the funny foreign ones from Poundland. Continue reading

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Vegan repeatedly insists she never even thinks about eating succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin

julie kettleA local vegan is absolutely adamant she never even thinks about eating succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin, and she is sick of having to point this out multiple times a day.

Julie Kettle, a shopkeeper from Harold, says people are constantly saying ‘oh, you’re a vegan’ and it gets a bit boring having to reply ‘yes I am, and I don’t even think about succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin flavoured with smoked paprika and mustard’.
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Jeremy Corbyn rehomes a rescue cardigan

Another cardigan saved from being put down

Another cardigan saved from being put down

Jeremy Corbyn has once again showed his compassionate side by taking an abandoned cardigan into his own home.

Corbyn, a long time cardigan fancier, said he was immediately taken by the striking black and white checked pattern on one his regular visits to the Islington branch of the Cardigan’s Protection League.

“The pattern reminded me of a chessboard, and the stirring bishop and pawn battles I had with the other boys at Grammar School. Chess was such a great game, but completely unsuited to meeting girls, which is why I packed it in and starting marching against the bomb instead” reminisced Corbyn.
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Ham with bad haircuts: Everyone is 75 per cent worse looking than their reflection

Amazon-Zombies-1200x801

A typical British high street

Local scientists Dr Rachel Goody and Dr John Guest have perfected an equation allowing them to determine that everyone looks shocking compared to the image they see in the mirror. Proving once and for all that while you may leave the house believing you look all Jack the Biscuit you’re actually wandering around with a face like a spare croissant and by appearance alone are more than capable of giving a police horse PTSD. Continue reading

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We have enough jars of Dolmio now, thank you, say food banks

Before you dump, think it through.

Before you dump, think it through.

Food banks up and down the country now have enough jars of Dolmio pasta sauce to sink an Italian battleship, thanks to the caring generosity of well-meaning do-gooders.

“As soon as I found out just how much sugar and salt they add to the pink sludge, I emptied my cupboards and started pouring the stuff down the sink,” said housewife Daphne Newton.

“Then my teenage daughter pointed out that the amount of precious clean water and costly sink cleaner I was using far outweighed the benefits of recycling the empty jars and demanded I deliver the remaining two dozen jars to the food bank instead.”

“Well, I couldn’t believe my ears when the woman at the food bank said they already had enough of that particular item, thank you.”

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Filed under Around Harold, charity, Food, Health, Lifestyle, News, Shopping, spam

Local bank ‘was just a front for a launderette’

Bank, became a launderette, now a pound shop.

Bank, then a launderette, now a poundshop.

From the outside, it looked like any other High Street Bank. But behind the heavy wooden doors, a laundering operation was providing services for working people with no washing machines of their own.

Documents obtained by the Evening Harold from the local Planning Committee reveal conclusively that a ‘change of use’ application was approved in 1959, subject to the building retaining its original facade.

“I’m not surprised at all,” said Doris Kettle who remembers well the massive ‘just one more sixpence’ launderette drying machine swindle of the 1960s.

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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Lifestyle, News, Nostalgia, Travel, Weather

Squirrels ‘up in arms’ over tree climbing guide

Brian: “More and more bloody hipsters, every bloody weekend…”

Harold’s squirrel population are united in their condemnation of hipster publication “The Tree Climber’s Guide”, a manifesto encouraging bored office workers to kick off their shoes and shimmy up the nearest trunk.

 

Written by old Harrovian Jack Cooke, a man some might say has too much time on his hands, the guide looks set to grace the bookshelves of many a modern city dweller who has forgotten the simple pleasures in life. There are suggestions that “How to play tig” and “Rolling down hills: a manual” are next to be published in the series.

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Filed under Lifestyle, Nature, News

Government plans to upgrade all schools to nice apartments

Playgrounds provide ample parking

The government revealed today that the next phase in its education policy is for all state-owned schools to converted as quickly as possible into nice apartments for rich people.

“This country has a fine school tradition,” explained chancellor George Osborne, “With some magnificent old buildings, many with high ceilings and lots of original features. With fewer children and better furniture we could be looking at some really good news for our friends’ building companies.”

“Renovation, renovation, renovation, that’s our motto.”

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Filed under Education, Lifestyle, News

“Studying chromosomes is in my DNA” claims 3rd-generation geneticist

DNA animation by brian0918™ via Wikimedia Commons

Twists and turns

Local amateur chromosome-enthusiast Brian Aubrey, whose father and grandfather both took a keen interest in genetics, has concluded that the driving force behind their common pastime must be in his DNA.

His hypothesis was published in this month’s edition of Naturist World.

“For editorial reasons, they changed the title to ‘DNA: The Bare Facts’ and preferred to illustrate the article with a photo of some rather healthy-looking women playing volley ball on a beach in Spain, which they said was more interesting than my diagram showing the distribution of chromosomes in a double helix.”

“The problem is finding an outlet for your research. It’s a highly competitive business and sometimes it’s necessary to resort to click-bait tactics to get your message out there.”

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Filed under Around Harold, DNA, Families, Father's Day, Lifestyle, science, Troubled Families

Awards blunder sees Andy Murray named Miss Universe

andy-murray-tiara - Copy

Murray overcome with joy

The Miss Universe 2015 contest has ended in confusion and disarray after the host mistakenly named Scottish tennis star Andy Murray as the surprise winner.

A shocked but delighted Murray had already been crowned, and was in the middle of a worldwide TV interview before the mistake was spotted.

“This is so unexpected, but I couldn’t be happier,” Murray announced in front of a cheering crowd. “I’ll do my very best to be as feminine as possible during my term as Miss Universe, starting with the grunting, that’s so important for us lady players.”

“I don’t think I’ve quite got the look yet, either. I’ve got quite a smooth backhand, but the rest of me is pretty hairy, to be honest.”

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Filed under Lifestyle, Sport

Izal to re-launch as ‘Dash!’

Barbaric and medieval.

Barbaric and medieval.

It was once the nation’s least-favourite toilet paper, but Izal may soon be available again in selected outlets.

“Obviously, the name Izal is a bit soiled by association now,” said Harold businessman Woodrow Gunther, who has acquired the firm for £1, “so we needed a new brand name. We were thinking about that unique combination of sprouts and Quality Street and alcohol and dried fruit and sprouts and After Eights and alcohol you get at Christmas, and very quickly came up with the name Dash!.

“The problem with Izal,” he explained, “is that it’s been smeared thanks to Obama using a sound-alike word to refer to Islamic State. So that was a bummer.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Banal History, Business, Christmas, Lifestyle, Nostalgia, War

BBC to remake the classic 1979 Election Special.

_47728604_79_election_presenters

The atmosphere was electric. Probably all the nylon.

Following the successful remake of 1970’s classics such as The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, Poldark and a militant left wing Labour Party, the BBC has announced that it is to reboot the 1979 BBC Election special as a 10 part serial. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Entertainment, Lifestyle, News, Nostalgia, Politics, Showbusiness

Weekend ‘Spa’ break ‘just a lock-in at mini-market’

sparWhat was supposed to be a weekend of luxury turned out to be 48 hours trapped in a slightly disappointing supermarket, thanks to a husband that couldn’t spell ‘Spar’.

Harold resident Pippa Delaney had been gifted the break by her partner Simon, to celebrate a ‘landmark’ birthday she’d recently lied about.

“Pippa is always going on about having a Spar break”, said Simon, “although she normally shops at Waitrose. I just assumed that she was being trendy, like that time she bought some Welsh wine in Lidl.”
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Support group formed for men who are ‘shit at hobbies’

Fishing isn't for everyone.

Fishing isn’t for everyone.

Men who lack the skills to hold down even the simplest of hobbies have been invited to a new support group in Harold.

Held within crawling distance of the walk-in village hospital, the group will meet on Tuesdays when the queue for A&E is at its shortest.

“Phil Evans will give a talk this week on how best to store a severed thumb, after changing the oil on a Morris Minor”, explained Pippa Delaney.

“And Mr Delaney will explain why you never need to wear safety goggles, when using a chisel to prise a woodscrew out of your knee.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Medicine

Woman fails to mention cancerous child and demented parent when complaining about her energy bill.

‘I’m going to write to Watchdog, blah, blah, blahdy blah….’

Breaking with years of well established tradition Mrs Fiona Warburton of Harold managed to complain to EDF about the accuracy of her energy bills without once mentioning her elderly mother’s advanced Alzheimer’s or her daughter’s terminal leukaemia. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Business, Children, idiots, Lifestyle, Media, News, Society, Technology

Cilla’s teeth to be made into Liverpool Stonehenge replica.

copy-of-dsc03789In a lasting memorial to the late Cilla Black, the mayor of Liverpool, Joe Anderson has announced that her monumental gnashers are to be made into a full sized replica of Stonehenge. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, charity, Culture, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Liverpool, Media, Showbusiness, Society, Tourism

Are you a true Brit? Take the Evening Harold Britishness test and find out.

British is who you are, not what you are.

Question 1.

You are in the supermarket when the store manager announces over the tannoy that an imminent meteor strike is heading your way. Do you

A – Panic buy all the toilet paper, shoving children and old ladies out of the way in your hurry to get what’s rightfully yours?

B – Use it as an opportunity to steal a laptop while everyone is distracted?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Queue patiently for the self service check out, tutting occasionally at all the noise and disorder.

Question 2.

You are on a crowded bus when a frail, elderly gentleman of dark skinned appearance struggles on only to find no seats available. Do you

A – Cast your eyes everywhere but at him in the hope that you don’t meet his gaze.

B – Take the piss out of his shoes?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Offer him your seat insisting that it’s perfectly fine despite your broken leg and neck brace?

Question 3.

You are watching the television news when a piece comes on about a major tragedy affecting hundreds of foreign people in a country you’ve never even heard of. Do you

A – Switch over to watch “When The World’s Shoutiest TV Presenters Attack”?

B – Laugh?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Immediately ring the charity help line to make a small donation then go and make a cup of tea?

Question 4.

You hear that a family of Syrian asylum seekers is moving into the house next door. Do you

A – Immediately start a petition among the local residents to get the filthy scrounging foreign benefit claiming scum removed?

B – Spray paint abusive messages on their front door telling them to go home?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Knock on the door to see if they need anything and invite them to pop round for a nice cup of tea?

Question 5.

You are on holiday in Majorca with your family when you see a woman wearing full burka despite the 40 degree heat. Do you

A – Carry on walking to the ‘Queen Victoria’ British theme pub, grab a pint of John Smith’s and an all day fry up then sit and moan about all the foreigners coming into Europe these days bringing their weird customs and practices and doing nothing to integrate with the local culture?

B – Throw stones at her until she cries?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Think to yourself that she must be jolly warm under that lot and wonder whether she’d appreciate a refreshing cup of tea?

Time to check your answers.

Mostly A – You are probably aged 18 to 35 and have grown up on a diet of Jeremy Kyle, Daily Mail and social media. You’re more of a bigot than your parents but not as bad as your kids. You believe everything you read on the internet.

Mostly B – You are probably aged 11 to 18 and were brought up by people who answered mostly A.

Mostly C – You are either a member of Islamic State or an American. It’s really not easy to tell from your answers.

Mostly D – You have many of the traits that made British people great before consumerism, Americanisation, me-first attitudes and the practice of everything catering solely for the hard-of-thinking took root. Congratulations, you can stay.

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Culture, Europe, International News, Lifestyle, News, Politics, Society, Uncategorized

Dads look forward to a rare Sunday without household chores

man asleep on sofa

Even after a hectic week, some men are flat out around the house at weekends

Harold’s fathers are busy planning what not to do on 21st June when, in a break from tradition, their womenfolk will undertake the bulk of cooking, cleaning and childcare.

Many men are still recovering from their Mothers Day exertions, believing it was only ‘a couple of weeks ago’ that they left an unwrapped box of Milk Tray and a small bunch of dayglo flowers on their mum’s’ front doorstep.
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Filed under Around Harold, Greetings cards, Lifestyle, News

David Cameron growing beard to chase youth vote

David_Cameron_beard

Cutting edge

Prime Minister David Cameron has spent the last few weeks secretly growing a beard in a desperate attempt to capture the ‘hipster’ trend sweeping the nation, it emerged today.

The real reason for Cameron avoiding the recent TV dates has been revealed to be nothing to do with being a great big coward with indefensible policies – instead it is simply that the Prime Minister has not wanted to risk unveiling his fledgling growth until its development is beyond ridicule.

“Our researchers tell us that this new ‘hipster’ movement is the key to really getting down with the young generation,” a Downing Street spokesman explained. “These young ‘hepcats’ are going to look at David’s facial hair and see something of themselves in it.”

The suggestion that Cameron might actually be a little bit late in jumping on the hipster bandwagon was rejected by the Prime Minister: “I’m hip and I’m hop, and if the beard doesn’t convince you, wait until you see my amazing new pair of red trousers!” he insisted.

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Filed under Election 2015, Lifestyle