Category Archives: Health

You can Google ‘undertakers’ too, Jeremy Hunt tells parents

This much clue

Health Secretary Jeremy “Rash” Hunt, who told parents to have a look on Google to check their children’s meningitis symptoms, has helpfully pointed out that the search engine will also provide links to a wide range of undertakers once his initial advice has been followed.

Admitting that paying for fewer doctors had unexpectedly resulted in fewer doctors to do the diagnosy stuff, Hunt drew on his years of medical experience to say: “look at photographs and say ‘my child’s rash looks like this one’.”

It was pointed out that the same parents would soon be likely to be looking at photographs of dead meningitis victims and saying: “My child’s corpse also looks like this one”, but Hunt was undeterred.

The official NHS Choices website inconveniently states that with skin rashes in children “You should always see a GP for a proper diagnosis”, but this cuts little ice with the great Hunt.

“Should the inevitable unfortunately occur,” he explained, “parents are likely to still have their browser open on Google, so checking for a local undertaker who stocks smaller size coffins should take but a moment.”

A spokesperson for the National Association of Funeral Directors said they were “very grateful, if a little freaked out” by Hunt’s statements.

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Filed under Children, Health, News

Jeremy Hunt walks out on 24 hour strike

hunt-mad

Wiping spittle from his chin he shouted “That way madness lies.”

In an unexpected twist to the Junior Doctors’ dispute, Jeremy Hunt has  balloted himself and after a 100%  vote in favour of industrial action,  promptly walked out on a 24 hour strike.

Standing by a brazier in Whitehall, the Health Secretary remained in the mood characteristic of his approach throughout. “Right, let’s see how they like it; those bastards will come crawling back Continue reading

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TV hypnotist makes Jeremy Hunt push Junior Doctors ‘over the edge’

“Nothing up my sleeves. Nothing between my ears”

TV viewers were shocked yesterday as they watched Jeremy Hunt, acting under the influence of illusionist Derren Brown, pushed a large proportion of Junior Doctors over the edge into strike action.

“It was awful.” said Elsie Duggan, a resident at Over-the-Hill Nursing Home in Harold. “Watching the build up, it was obvious what was going to happen. Hunt looked completely crazed, although to be fair that’s his normal look. Continue reading

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Filed under Health, News, Politics

Skin-browning product banned for ‘discriminating against idiot’

donaldbrown

Texture like sun…

Shortly after a Thai cosmetics firm was forced to withdraw its ‘racist’ skin-whitening cream, an American company has stopped selling a leading skin-browning product after it was criticised for discriminating against idiots.

The television advert for the “Oompa” product shows a user named only as ‘Donald’ attributing his success to his ‘superior brown skin’, despite the fact that he is clearly a bright orange colour, resembling nothing more than a soggy Jaffa Cake after all the nice chocolate bit has been nibbled off.

“My world is a tough world,” says ‘Donald’ in the ad. “Without my beautiful brown skin I would not command great respect, and people would think I am stupid.” Continue reading

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Filed under Health, idiots

New alcohol guidelines don’t apply to you, experts confirm

imageThere was widespread relief today after alcohol experts confirmed that the strict new guidelines apply to other people, not you.

The wholly unrealistic new medical advice states that people are allowed only a miserly 14 units a week – equivalent to roughly a thimbleful of weak lager. There would be no possibility of sticking to this meagre ration, but fortunately it is only necessary for other people to do so, as it doesn’t apply to you. Continue reading

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Filed under Health, idiots, News

Dry January participants shocked to discover how crap world is

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Dry January: it never stops feeling like this

As the newly sober enter the fifth day of Dry January many have spoken of their horror at discovering that the world is at best like a long day trip to a pathetic waxworks where every single model has the face of the ex you most regret.

“I tried relaxing after work,” villager Jane Hough told us. “And ended up watching an entire episode of the One Show without the fluffy mind-shield that is a nice glass of red. For the first time I really listened to Alex Jones and Matt Baker and now I feel so dreadfully hollow.” Continue reading

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Filed under Health

Gyms call on government to do more to protect them from floods of new year’s resolutioners

Fooling no one

Besieged gyms are calling for the government to increase funding to protect them from time wasters who will only darken their doors once.

While technically this solitary effort does meet a lazy person’s goal of exercising more by temporarily raising their activity levels above that of a cushion, gyms are flooded to dangerous levels by their misplaced enthusiasm and over-elaborate gym kit that still has the labels on it ‘just in case’. Continue reading

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Filed under Health

Youth ‘crack-walking’ craze leads to rise in bear attacks

cracksbearsLocal police today urged parents in the village of Harold to be “ever so careful” to keep their offspring from walking on cracks in the pavement, after an 80% increase in paving-related bear attacks.

“There seems to be a general lack of appreciation of the risks presented by the current crack-stepping craze’ warned Bear Prevention Officer James James Morrison-Morrison. ‘We can only urge greater vigilance by parents; young people are all too ready to experiment with crack-stepping, bringing with it tragic consequences. The sillies.”

On a day of stark warnings for Harold’s youth, the police also issued fresh evidence of the dangers of swallowing chewing gum, showing that ingesters face a 90% chance of the gum wrapping itself around the heart, causing instant death.

“We need a concerted campaign of health education’ said PC Anita Flegg ‘our young people are treating serious health dangers as mere playground myths: only last week we had to remove a full sized apple tree from the stomach of young man who had accidentally swallowed a pip.”

“What a tosser.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Children, Health

Money raised by NHS Choir charity single “will be spent on redundancy payments”

jeremyhunt2

“See this? That’s more than the public will benefit.”

Jeremy Hunt is delighted with the success of the Lewisham and Greenwich NHS Choir’s single, but says all the profits must go to the NHS, as the song was performed in NHS uniforms and filmed on NHS premises.

“But vulnerable individuals will still benefit.” assured the Health Secretary “After we take a 55% administration fee, the balance will be spent on staff redundancy payments.”

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Filed under Health, News, Politics

Family hospitalised as infectious yawn loop takes hold during ‘Les Miserables’.

yawning-childThe Nolan family from Harold are recovering in Dunstable General Infirmary today after a quiet evening in front of the telly almost turned to tragedy. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Dr. Evans' Casebook, Health, idiots, Medicine, News

Government proposal for total homeopathy ban ‘likely to end up very watered down’

One small drop for man, one giant leap for the National Debt.

One small drop for the NHS, one giant leap for the National Debt.

A Department of Health proposal to reclassify homeopathy as pure cuckoo and so exclude it from NHS spending has come under fire from the alternative therapies industry.

The Department of Health says that there is no scientific evidence to support homeopathy as an effective form of medical treatment and it must be removed entirely from NHS spending. But that is missing the whole point, says local alternative practitioner George Tredinnick.

“It’s a complete category error to want to apply scientific principles to homeopathy, which by its very nature relies on Belief in Magic,” he said. “Unfortunately, Government Ministers have not one tiny drop of imagination between them.”

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Filed under Culture, Drugs, Health, Medicine, News, Royals

Ebola nurse urges Glaswegians to stop eating bush meat

Risky, but at least it's not salad.

Risky, but at least it’s not salad.

A nurse who was cured of ebola, only to contract it again on returning to Scotland, has urged Glaswegians to stop eating bush meat.

Morag McClough had been working in Sierra Leone when she first contracted the disease, where she was treating people who had been infected after eating tainted chimp meat.

But after being cured, McClough caught it again on her return to Glasgow, possibly from a very, very similar source.

“That’ll teach me to forage for native species, armed only with a blow pipe”, quipped McClough. “But in all seriousness, I only ordered a skinny capuchin without any shots, from a slightly dodgy-looking street café.”
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Filed under Health

Obesity crackdown sees pensioner arrested and sugar with street value of 99p seized

Another day another tasering for PC Flegg

Another day another tasering for PC Flegg

Harold pensioner Elsie Duggan was arrested on charges of possession with intent to supply after being found with a bag of sugar with a street value of 99p.

Police say Miss Duggan, 86, said the sugar was for her own use explaining that she’d always had a sweet tooth, but inquiries soon revealed she was a pusher.
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Filed under Food, Health

Is this Britain’s new biggest killer?

One of these will blow your mind…

The rapid increase in the number of click bait related deaths has led top neurologist Dr William Fish to call for immediate action to curb the practice.

He blames the recent growth in deaths by ‘blown minds’ on social media posts which offer to ‘shock, stun or amaze’ the most vulnerable, sad, gullible and pathetically easy to amuse members of society. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Culture, Entertainment, Health, idiots, News, Social media, Society, spam, Technology

Amazon sues people who left positive reviews of Adam Sandler movies

sandler

Was this typed with a straight face?

Amazon has confirmed that unscrupulous shoppers who leave 5-star reviews of films, despite them containing Adam Sandler, will be sued.

Although Sandler has near-universal unappeal, some malicious trolls have gushed all over his leavings on the popular online shop.

Amazon fears this could cause unwary customers to order them, which might damage their trust in the tax-efficient company.
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Filed under Business, Health, Technology

OCD taxi driver still searching for ‘indicator flash twin’

Boutsen has an on-off relationship with indicators.

Boutsen has an on-off relationship with indicators.

Eric Boutsen has driven taxis for 25 years, and in all that time has never come across a car whose indicators flash exactly in time with his own.

Despite working double-shifts and taking more turns than is strictly necessary, Boutsen returns home to his empty flat each evening, dejected and bereft.
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Filed under Around Harold, Health

“Where’s all the NHS cash gone?” Asks shocked Jeremy Hunt

jeremyhunt2

Hunt tries to demonstrate how much blame attaches to him, personally

Popular Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt is furious, after learning that his hospitals are £930m in the red in the first three months of the financial year.

“More than the whole of last year! Who the f*ck created this cock-up?” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Health, News, Politics

Jeremy Hunt moved from hospital waiting room after fears his face would upset people from different cultures

jeremyhunt2

Hunt demonstrates how much he knows about raising staff morale

Tory Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt called the emergency services today, after his foot became jammed in his mouth whilst he explained the rationale behind cutting the pay of junior doctors.

A DoH spokesperson said “The Minister would have preferred to be treated properly, under his BUPA plan. Unfortunately, the ambulance driver became deaf en route and by mistake Continue reading

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Filed under Health, Medicine, News

Aids drug company says 5000% price hike was ‘because we’re shits’

ShkreliMartin

Trust me, I’m in Big Pharma

Martin Shkreli, boss of eye-watering price-hikers Turing Pharmaceuticals, says they’ll drop the price of Daraprim, which they acquired in August, after Aids patients got a bit too loudly.

“Look, they’re Aids patients – always whining about something. OK, if going from under £10 to almost £500 in a month was a bit sudden, we’ll drop it a little. We can crank it up again later. Because we’re shits.”

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Filed under Business, Health, News, science

Top 10 inappropriate operating theatre hits

"Everybody Hurts"

“Everybody Hurts”

A report issued this week suggested that disharmony over the choice of ‘music to slice by’ was the cause of distraction and error in the nations operating theatres.

However, the report supressed the shocking musical choices demonstrating the infamous macabre humour of our medical professionals. Fortunately, your Evening Harold is able to provide you with the most popular tracks which are being played whilst you are under the knife. Continue reading

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Filed under Health, Medicine, music