His colour sense isn’t that great either
In the quiet English village of Harold, a local council is making a stand against the anti-social wearing of shorts by men.
“The first decent weather of the year saw men out and about in shorts which were already too small in 2015.”says Cllr Ron Ronnson.
“Oddly, most of the shorts hadn’t stretched in the back of the wardrobe, hidden under a 2012-2013 Manchester United scarf and a replica ‘Thierry Henry’ Arsenal shirt.”
Look, there it is in the dictionary, just after neglect of duty.
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has apologised for his poor grasp of the English language after being advised that ‘negotiate’ does not mean ‘annihilate’.
“I was under the impression that to negotiate meant ‘to crush your opponent’,” he said, “but now they’re telling me it means something more like ‘compromise’. I’ll have to look that one up. It’s another new word to add to my vocabulary.”
Before you dump, think it through.
Food banks up and down the country now have enough jars of Dolmio pasta sauce to sink an Italian battleship, thanks to the caring generosity of well-meaning do-gooders.
“As soon as I found out just how much sugar and salt they add to the pink sludge, I emptied my cupboards and started pouring the stuff down the sink,” said housewife Daphne Newton.
“Then my teenage daughter pointed out that the amount of precious clean water and costly sink cleaner I was using far outweighed the benefits of recycling the empty jars and demanded I deliver the remaining two dozen jars to the food bank instead.”
“Well, I couldn’t believe my ears when the woman at the food bank said they already had enough of that particular item, thank you.”
All the yellow has been used up by irresponsible lookers
Following in the footsteps of Stoke Gifford Council, which charges runners using parks they’ve already paid for, Harold council has taken the unprecedented step of introducing a charge for looking at their park’s flowers.
“It’s a scientific fact that looking at daffodils uses up some of their yellow.” explained Councillor Ron Ronsson “By the weekend it’s often been used up Continue reading
Fans still hope to discover what leads to boxing injuries
With the welcome news that Nick Blackwell is out of a coma, boxing fans are asking “How on earth did this happen?”
Boxing authorities said the period immediately after Blackwell was pummelled senseless by a barrage of blows to the head, was ‘not the right time’ to investigate the cause of his brain injuries.
Filed under Health, News, Sport
As all Discworld fans know there is no justice, just him
A local man has said that he’s shocked and horrified to have died despite spending years avoiding almost all known foodstuffs.
“I thought this way of eating would make me immortal,” Felix Watson complained from the Other Side. “For over a decade I shunned anything you could describe as yummy and tracked my heart rate with all the joyless fanaticism of a Nazi in a rubbish war film.” Continue reading
Apparently one of these once saw an apple
After researchers discovered that a typical child’s smoothie contains eight tons of sugar, the food industry has reacted swiftly, claiming that sugar, being originally from some kind of plant, should count towards your healthy 5 a day.
Children’s fruit drinks usually have packaging featuring cartoon animals and slogans like “WILL NOT MAKE YOU FAT”, and many parents believe these are healthier than other drinks like cola, lemonade or sherry.
However, food scientists have discovered that many of these beverages are actually just bottles full of dry sugar painted orange, and the health benefits may therefore have been exaggerated.
Gavin Behemoth of the British Soft Drinks Association insisted that the ‘drinks’ were actually healthy:
“Sugar is a plant, like lettuce. And after a dab of paint, it’s the same colour. What more proof do you need? I’ve personally been drinking these delicious beverages for years, and look at me. 38 stone, terminal diabetes, and both my legs have dropped off.”
Living the dream…
Albert Renfew, who died last night after being chased and eaten to death by an enormous badger made of cheese, was ‘living the dream’, friends have confirmed.
Renfrew, who possessed the unusual ability of having his dreams manifest as physical objects, was killed by the grotesque cheesy mammal in front of screaming shoppers in the High Street of the English village of Harold.
Sadly, Renfrew had long been plagued with bizarre, violent dreams involving dairy-mutated animal aggression.
“We were always telling Albert that it’s so important to make your dreams come true,” explained one friend today, “But we had no idea his dreams were so horrible.”
Authorities have pointed out that living the dream is still perfectly safe for most people, and have reassured the public that anyone who does not typically dream about huge slavering cheddar animals should be perfectly safe.
“For most of us,” explained an expert, “Dreams are associated with fame, vast wealth and the lumpy bits on the front of women. I know mine are.”
“Giant violent cheese badgers, on the other hand, are the sort of dream which should be lived under no circumstances.”
“We would advise anyone experiencing these sort of dreams to tread Caerphilly.”
Hunt: “I’ve been listening” Junior Doctors: “The voices in your own head don’t count!”
Jeremy Hunt says his decision to impose a new junior doctors’ contract was primarily intended to make a difference to NHS industrial relations.
“When I took over from Andrew Lansley, some people in the NHS, who really should have known better, told me that staff morale couldn’t get any lower. But since then, I’ve gone that extra mile – Monday to Friday, school term times only – and proved those naysayers wrong.” Continue reading
This much clue
Health Secretary Jeremy “Rash” Hunt, who told parents to have a look on Google to check their children’s meningitis symptoms, has helpfully pointed out that the search engine will also provide links to a wide range of undertakers once his initial advice has been followed.
Admitting that paying for fewer doctors had unexpectedly resulted in fewer doctors to do the diagnosy stuff, Hunt drew on his years of medical experience to say: “look at photographs and say ‘my child’s rash looks like this one’.”
It was pointed out that the same parents would soon be likely to be looking at photographs of dead meningitis victims and saying: “My child’s corpse also looks like this one”, but Hunt was undeterred.
The official NHS Choices website inconveniently states that with skin rashes in children “You should always see a GP for a proper diagnosis”, but this cuts little ice with the great Hunt.
“Should the inevitable unfortunately occur,” he explained, “parents are likely to still have their browser open on Google, so checking for a local undertaker who stocks smaller size coffins should take but a moment.”
A spokesperson for the National Association of Funeral Directors said they were “very grateful, if a little freaked out” by Hunt’s statements.
Wiping spittle from his chin he shouted “That way madness lies.”
In an unexpected twist to the Junior Doctors’ dispute, Jeremy Hunt has balloted himself and after a 100% vote in favour of industrial action, promptly walked out on a 24 hour strike.
Standing by a brazier in Whitehall, the Health Secretary remained in the mood characteristic of his approach throughout. “Right, let’s see how they like it; those bastards will come crawling back Continue reading
“Nothing up my sleeves. Nothing between my ears”
TV viewers were shocked yesterday as they watched Jeremy Hunt, acting under the influence of illusionist Derren Brown, pushed a large proportion of Junior Doctors over the edge into strike action.
“It was awful.” said Elsie Duggan, a resident at Over-the-Hill Nursing Home in Harold. “Watching the build up, it was obvious what was going to happen. Hunt looked completely crazed, although to be fair that’s his normal look. Continue reading
Texture like sun…
Shortly after a Thai cosmetics firm was forced to withdraw its ‘racist’ skin-whitening cream, an American company has stopped selling a leading skin-browning product after it was criticised for discriminating against idiots.
The television advert for the “Oompa” product shows a user named only as ‘Donald’ attributing his success to his ‘superior brown skin’, despite the fact that he is clearly a bright orange colour, resembling nothing more than a soggy Jaffa Cake after all the nice chocolate bit has been nibbled off.
“My world is a tough world,” says ‘Donald’ in the ad. “Without my beautiful brown skin I would not command great respect, and people would think I am stupid.” Continue reading
Filed under Health, idiots
There was widespread relief today after alcohol experts confirmed that the strict new guidelines apply to other people, not you.
The wholly unrealistic new medical advice states that people are allowed only a miserly 14 units a week – equivalent to roughly a thimbleful of weak lager. There would be no possibility of sticking to this meagre ration, but fortunately it is only necessary for other people to do so, as it doesn’t apply to you. Continue reading
Filed under Health, idiots, News
Dry January: it never stops feeling like this
As the newly sober enter the fifth day of Dry January many have spoken of their horror at discovering that the world is at best like a long day trip to a pathetic waxworks where every single model has the face of the ex you most regret.
“I tried relaxing after work,” villager Jane Hough told us. “And ended up watching an entire episode of the One Show without the fluffy mind-shield that is a nice glass of red. For the first time I really listened to Alex Jones and Matt Baker and now I feel so dreadfully hollow.” Continue reading
Fooling no one
Besieged gyms are calling for the government to increase funding to protect them from time wasters who will only darken their doors once.
While technically this solitary effort does meet a lazy person’s goal of exercising more by temporarily raising their activity levels above that of a cushion, gyms are flooded to dangerous levels by their misplaced enthusiasm and over-elaborate gym kit that still has the labels on it ‘just in case’. Continue reading
Local police today urged parents in the village of Harold to be “ever so careful” to keep their offspring from walking on cracks in the pavement, after an 80% increase in paving-related bear attacks.
“There seems to be a general lack of appreciation of the risks presented by the current crack-stepping craze’ warned Bear Prevention Officer James James Morrison-Morrison. ‘We can only urge greater vigilance by parents; young people are all too ready to experiment with crack-stepping, bringing with it tragic consequences. The sillies.”
On a day of stark warnings for Harold’s youth, the police also issued fresh evidence of the dangers of swallowing chewing gum, showing that ingesters face a 90% chance of the gum wrapping itself around the heart, causing instant death.
“We need a concerted campaign of health education’ said PC Anita Flegg ‘our young people are treating serious health dangers as mere playground myths: only last week we had to remove a full sized apple tree from the stomach of young man who had accidentally swallowed a pip.”
“What a tosser.”
“See this? That’s more than the public will benefit.”
Jeremy Hunt is delighted with the success of the Lewisham and Greenwich NHS Choir’s single, but says all the profits must go to the NHS, as the song was performed in NHS uniforms and filmed on NHS premises.
“But vulnerable individuals will still benefit.” assured the Health Secretary “After we take a 55% administration fee, the balance will be spent on staff redundancy payments.”
The Nolan family from Harold are recovering in Dunstable General Infirmary today after a quiet evening in front of the telly almost turned to tragedy. Continue reading
One small drop for the NHS, one giant leap for the National Debt.
A Department of Health proposal to reclassify homeopathy as pure cuckoo and so exclude it from NHS spending has come under fire from the alternative therapies industry.
The Department of Health says that there is no scientific evidence to support homeopathy as an effective form of medical treatment and it must be removed entirely from NHS spending. But that is missing the whole point, says local alternative practitioner George Tredinnick.
“It’s a complete category error to want to apply scientific principles to homeopathy, which by its very nature relies on Belief in Magic,” he said. “Unfortunately, Government Ministers have not one tiny drop of imagination between them.”