Customers ‘left stunned’ – unlike the animals.
A veterinary surgery that claims to follow halal practices has drawn protests in the village of Harold.
Following guidelines for animal welfare dictated by an angel some 1,400 years ago, the Jamuh Haariat practice treats a range of ailments using only a sharp knife.
“While we could use an anaesthetic, that isn’t specifically mentioned in the Quran”, explained Dr Haariat. “That either means they weren’t invented then, or more likely, Allah forbids them.”
Fans say the flavour is the perfect accompaniment to drool.
Advertising executives for Walkers Crisps were left red-faced today, and not just because of their colossal salt intake.
Following an online vote, the spud spinners announced the new Walkers flavour is ‘Pringles’, with customers favouring the pre-chewed, reconstituted spittle-and potato tang that only tubular near-crisps provide.
“It was a close call”, said Hilda Remington, as she clutched at her heart and gasped for breath. “But in the end, the public have somehow found the energy to have their say.”
Customers also unsure whether to keep them in the fridge
A Farmer in Harold is under fire after claims his free-range eggs were actually ’round things he found in a field’.
PC Flegg confirmed she’d received a number of calls from disgruntled locals, mainly from the payphone in Dunstable A&E.
“It seems that rather than selling ova from happy hens, farmer David Evans has been boxing up small rocks, clumps of soil and the occasional dog’s egg”, explained Flegg.
“Aside from the obvious questions about hygiene and trading standards, my breakast was ruined by dipping my soldiers in an old doll’s head.”
Rare sighting of a shoal of soy sauce fish
The World Wide Fund for Nature has announced that the tiny Soy Sauce fish has become an endangered species.
Once common with every sushi meal, the fish has been, ..well … fished to the very edge of extinction according to experts who spent several months trawling the oceans for specimens but failed to catch a single one of the petite bottle nosed fish.
“Only a total ban on fishing can bring any hope of restoring stocks,” said one boffin. “We appreciate that this will have an impact on the Japanese diet especially, but I’m sure they will be able to adapt. Personally, I find salt and vinegar goes really well with cod so it should be fine with sushi.” Continue reading
Evans was presented with a black forest get out cake.
A contestant who was eliminated from the first round of the Great British Bake Off has been barred from returning to the village.
Many in Harold had initially been excited to spot Harriet Evans on the hit BBC show, but the joy swiftly turned to disgust when it was revealed her Swiss Roll was ‘a bit dry’.
“What the f**k was she thinking?” asked cllr Ron Ronsson. “Just 8 fluid ounces of milk with that much flour was never going to put Harold on the map. She left us with no choice but to burn down her cottage.”
Hostage called for clearer labelling on yoghurts.
Children in Harold can no longer be fobbed off with yoghurt after a meal, following a ruling by magistrate Danielle Hostage.
Local child Chloe Ackroyd (11) took her case to court, after being denied a Jaffa Cake on several occasions. Parents Jeremy and Michelle Ackroyd admitted trying to pass off something healthy as a treat, and asked for a banana and a box of raisins to be taken into account.
“There is a natural order to din-dins, whether it be a packed lunch or picnic”, ruled Hostage. “And it shall not be deemed to have ended satisfactorily until there is mini-rolls, ice cream or biscuits.”
‘To me, beans means Heinz Wolff’ – Stephen Hawking
Trading Standards were left red-faced today after a case they brought against a local eatery was thrown out by a magistrate.
The case was brought against Pippa Delaney, owner of Harold vegetarian restaurant Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!, under the Foods Description Act.
However, the magistrate said there was no case to answer after a top mathematician vouched for the accuracy of the restaurant’s labelling.
If only they could meet in the middle.
Glasgow could tackle its current health crisis by dropping an ‘either/or’ approach to heroin and yellow food that comes from the chip shop.
That’s the claim of a dietician who is trying to find out why so many Glaswegians are morbidly obese, despite the widespread availability of skag.
“I visited the morgue and was quietly poking a fat corpse when someone told me that the city was awash with diacetylmorphine”, said Dr Charlotte Bainbrough.
“At first I thought ‘Does that mean heroin is fattening?’ but then remembered it probably wasn’t. Could the problem be a lack of dietary balance?”
Natural, healthy, tedious.
With the government advising parents to only allow their children to drink water, Harold Councillor Ron Ronsson has come up with a delicious way of livening up this boring drink:
“Canned drinks can be bad for you, which is why I only give my children water. But if your kids are like mine, then they’re fussy as well as fat: why not follow my simple recipe to help you ‘fancy it up’ a bit?”
- “Presentation is everything! Don’t give them water from an old crisp packet: use some posh glasses and a nice jug. Or consider serving them while dressed up as Batman.”
- “We always fill our jug from the cold tap, it’s something of a family tradition. Then it’s just a case of adding a bottle of food dye, 17 tablespoons of sugar, some phosphoric acid and a pinch of aspartame.”
- “Missing that ‘fizz’? Bubbles aren’t bad for you so give ’em what they want: drop a whole packet of Alka Seltzer in and watch their faces light up!”
- “Nearly there now! Before you let your loved ones tuck in make sure your ‘water’ is nicely blended: I normally give mine a stir with a Mars Bar.”
“And that’s it! I always insist my urchins brush their teeth immediately after, or at least once they’ve slept some of it off. And what do they need to rinse the toothpaste out of their mouths? You guessed it! More of my delicious ‘Ronsson Water’!”
99 calls about trivial murders could prevent action on ice cream emergencies
The family of a woman killed by a substandard ice cream has slammed police for the way they handled her case.
Wendy Barker called for help when she noticed her dairy adornments were dangerously lop-sided, but wasn’t taken seriously by official call handlers. Campaigners are calling for coppers to treat mistreated treats more professionally, or risk ‘getting monkey blood on their hands’.
“This poor woman experienced a very real and traumatising sprinkle crisis, only to be told by police to phone back if she’d been murdered”, claimed close friend Pippa Delaney. “There needs to be a separate number for these ice-cream based emergencies. Perhaps they could call it the Cones Hotline?”
Might pies give off a gas which makes you fat?
Researchers studying a large group of women for 40 years say data collected shows the risk of obesity increases with over-exposure to any light-at-night, such as the problematic ‘light in the fridge’. Continue reading
What’s for dinner?
A new breed of genetically modified chickens has been hailed a success by its developer, Harold farmer Lionel Garage.
“The new chicken type is featherless from birth,” Mr Garage told the Evening Harold, “pre-basted and also comes with the all-important leg elastic as a built-in feature.”
Farmer Garage claims the new design will result in increased profitability for chicken producers, saving them much of the cost of traditional posthumous poultry processing.
“Standard-type chickens require labour-intensive after-death attention,” he said, “and I’m frankly sick off forking out so much plucking cash. And you wouldn’t believe how long it takes to get that elastic band round its back legs.”
Sugar-coated statins ‘delicious deep fried’.
Fat people and smokers alike have welcomed a report into the safety of statins, and are planning to celebrate by eating a big cake and then popping outside for a fag.
With questions raised over side-effects from Britain’s favourite wonder drug, some bloaters had feared they may be forced into changing their lifestyle.
But now the British Medical Journal has given the pills the all-clear, sweating, gasping middle-aged people are looking forward to ordering some big pants and gradually cutting down on their exercise.
“When I read that statins might be bad for me, I dropped my tray of donuts in shock”, said Harold resident Malcolm Evans. “Then I felt a bit clammy, and my left arm started to hurt. It’s reckless, spreading scare stories like that. I nearly took responsibility for my own mortality.”
This sheep was stunned shortly before it was humanely run over.
In response to the uproar surrounding unmarked Halal meat, supermarkets have pledged to offer consumers much more choice in the way animals are killed.
Sifting through the meat aisle of her local Tesco, Harold resident Pippa Delaney welcomed the move.
“It’s so much better, now we’re properly and sometimes graphically informed”, she insisted. “Let’s see: cricket bat with a nail in it…bolt gun in the face…liver failure…ooh! This one sounds delicious AND guilt-free: ‘hit by a meteorite’. I bet that makes it tender as well.”
Filed under Culture, Food, News
Ignoring 5 second rule ‘like playing Russian Roulette with biscuits’ warn experts.
Medical experts are calling for greater awareness of the ‘5 second rule’, the safe time limit for eating food after it’s fallen on the floor.
The campaign comes after the death of a man who ate a gravitied Hobnob, that had been on the carpet for over a quarter of a minute.
“Some jokers seem to think these rules don’t apply to them”, said Harold GP Doctor Evans. “Eating floor food after 5 seconds has passed can easily kill you. Or failing that, make you stronger.”
Louis Vuitton crisp bags unlikely to be plundered by husbands.
Fashion giant Louis Vuitton is targeting fat cats, with a new range of impossibly posh potato-based snack bags.
The firm will offer exclusive flavours for the more discerning palate, including lamb n’ minted, cheese et privilege and ‘plain’ pomme de tiara.
With product placement key to success, celebrities from LA to St. Tropez have been spotted dipping into the designer delicacies, before wiping their fingers on a servant.
Zhou prepares his signature dish ‘Rice’
A restaurant specialising in North Korean cuisine reacted furiously to being left out of the World ‘top 50’ list despite consistently recording customer satisfaction ratings in excess of 99.9%.
Dave Zhou, supreme proprietor of ‘the 38th Parallel’ in the sleepy village of Harold, told reporters that the World ‘top 50’ snub showed that the Judges were mere prawns in the Western Capitalist Pig Dog Global Conspiracy before clarifying to a hungry member of the press that yes, he did in fact take American Express.
Zhou, who is well known for his signature, and in fact only, dish ‘Rice’, said the Judges had failed to appreciate his ground breaking fusion technique: “I just pound the rice and cook it for a few minutes longer than usual and it all sticks together.”
You are what you eat. This is Connor Harris.
Harold GP Dr Evans has warned that no cure may ever be found for a patient’s addiction to cold turkey.
Fifteen-year-old local lad Connor Harris was already obese due a junk-food obsession. But his life took a dramatic turn last Christmas when he started ‘experimenting’ with cold turkey late on Christmas Day. By Boxing Day, his addiction was cemented.
“There was certainly an element of social pressure that fateful evening,” said Dr Evans, “but it was mainly down to his personal desire to consume a savoury snack at precisely the moment his mum handed him a plate of cold turkey.”
“Personally, I’ve had enough turkey for one year after cooking the basted thing,” said Connor’s mum Ange Harris, “but, as Dr Evans has explained, it depends on whether the individual carries the cold turkey addiction gene.”
Male Masterchef contestants have complained that they ‘have no way of winning’ following new rules that mean they have to leave the kitchen tidy.
While soufflés and reductions hold no fear for men in the tea-cooking contest, wiping a damp cloth around the worktops afterwards is more than many can manage.
Hosts Gregg Wallace and John Torode have winced at the attempts by some men to clean up after themselves. They fear that just the thought of having to leave the place spotless will make many contestants ‘dumb down’ their menus to avoid mess.
Extracts from last night’s show seem to support this.
Fisher (voiceover): Ricky has made his signature dish of cooled-over beans served in a tin cylinder. His workstation remains spotless.
Filed under Culture, Food, War
Orgy of light and warmth
Charities are reporting growing concern that new pension rules will lead to old people recklessly squandering their retirement income on luxuries such as heating and food.
After 2015, people reaching retirement age will be able to use pension pots however they want, rather than having to buy a guaranteed annual income, and the fear is that many will rush out to buy tinned food, which they will then cook using fuel in an adequately-heated apartment. Continue reading