Category Archives: Europe

Aston Villa found buried beneath Roman Villa

Waste land may be bought up by NCP.

Waste land may be bought up by NCP.

Following the unearthing of a Roman Villa during a barn conversion job in Wiltshire, the archaeologists had another surprise when they dug up a mosaic floor and found Aston Villa underneath that.

“We knew they were on the verge of relegation,” said Dr David Roberts, an Historic England archaeologist, “but hadn’t quite appreciated just how low a team can go.  This one was buried under a thick layer of alluvial sediment.”

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Filed under Banal History, Dating, Europe, Lost and Found, News, Sport

“Pot accuses Kettle of using ‘spin, smears and threats'”

Iain-Duncan-Smithangry

“Say that again and I’ll punch your lights out. I used to be world heavyweight boxing champion”

A well-known Pot, usually found lying to and threatening the vulnerable, has complained that some Kettles campaigning to remain in the EU, are using dishonest, bullying tactics.

The one-time ‘Quiet Pot’ is thought to be such an expert on spin that it wouldn’t recognise the truth; even if it was scrubbed, primped, and wearing a satin evening-gown, with the words ‘The Truth’ sewed on front and back in flashing sequins.

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Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News

Cthulhu declares support for Brexit

Cthulhu

Still a less weird Brexit supporter than Farage

Monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and keen Hollyoaks fan, Cthulhu, has declared its support for the UK leaving the European Union.

“I think it will be easier to rise from the stone city of R’lyeh and usher in an era of madness that will destroy humans’ minds along with civilisation itself when the UK is unable to so easily sign European players to the Premiership and the cost of flights has increased slightly,” it said. Continue reading

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Filed under Europe

Hollande warns of ‘consequences’ if Britain doesn’t like Ghostbusters remake

set_ghostbusters_cast_640

Down with this sort of thing or hooray for Hollywood?

François Hollande has warned David Cameron that Britain must support the remake of Ghostbusters whose trailer was launched today. At a summit with David Cameron to discuss whether tampering with the memory of the beloved 1980s original is a good idea or not the French President told reporters that it was time to embrace togetherness and applaud a gender-swapped cast and a new script.

“I don’t want to scare you, but I just want to say the truth. There will be consequences in many areas if Britain remains stubborn to its belief that without Bill Murray in the lead role Ghostbusters is nothing,” he said. “Now that doesn’t mean that everything will be destroyed, I don’t want to give you a catastrophic scenario. But there will be consequences.” Continue reading

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Filed under Europe

Cameron fights back with Brstayin campaign.

Briton in europe

Artist’s impression of Britton in Europe

Following his latest political kick in the nuts from Michael Howard earlier today, David Cameron has attempted to counter Brexit’s growing momentum by launching the Brstayin campaign.

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Filed under Badgers, Europe, Independence referendum, News, Politics

EU vote means terrifying choice between something supported by David Cameron and something supported by Iain Duncan Smith

tweedle dumb or tweedle dumber?

tweedle dumb or tweedle dumber?

The horrifying realisation they will have to choose between something supported by David Cameron and something supported by Iain Duncan Smith has put most people in the UK off their breakfast.

People thinking of voting to stay in the EU are worried they will be seen to be supporting hands-free interactions with pigs, while potential Brexit voters don’t want to give the impression they agree ‘fit to work’ means ‘currently breathing, or warm enough so resuscitation is still possible’.
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Filed under Europe, Politics

Confusion as PM with neither says he’ll put his “heart and soul” into staying in Europe

arseholes

Dave ‘n’ his BFF: chock full o’feelings

As the UK was awarded its Specialist Snowflake in the Whole EU badge last night, David Cameron puzzled everyone by saying “I will be campaigning with all my heart and soul to persuade the British people to remain in the reformed EU that we have secured today” despite having spent every waking moment since 2010 proving that he possesses neither.

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Filed under Europe

‘How would Thatcher vote on Brexit?’ to be resolved by séance

thatcher

” Oh no, she’s still alive isn’t she?”

EU ‘inners’ and ‘outers’ have both prayed in aid the late  Margaret Thatcher, leaving many uncertain about which way she wants them to vote.

Norman Tebbit who’s cadaverous appearance lends weight to his claim to know Mrs Thatcher’s current views, has been widely quoted across all news media, dismissing claims that she would vote Continue reading

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Filed under Europe, News, Politics

Cameron: “It’s a piece of paper in our time!”

cameron_paper

Unfortunately my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice

A jubilant David Cameron waved a hard-fought for contract in the air yesterday proclaiming “It’s a piece of paper, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!”

The PM used a visit to UK-based but German-owned firm as a metaphor for the new EU relationship he has hammered out.

“Unfortunately, my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice but I can remember it almost word for word, Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Europe, News, Politics

Terry Wogan to be given authentic Viking burial

A giant among men

Much-beloved broadcaster Terry Wogan, who sadly died today, will be put to rest at sea in the traditional Viking fashion, strapped to a burning longboat surrounded by flaming barrels of tar, food offerings to the Gods and a genuine Blankety-Blank Chequebook and Pen.

Wogan made his BBC debut on the Light Programme (now Radio 2) before raiding the East Coast of Scotland with a hundred crazed men, leaving the streets drenched crimson with the blood of his enemies.

He took over the breakfast show on Radio 2, and was an immediate hit. His laid-back charm and quick gentle humour made him a perfect choice to present the BBC’s coverage of the Eurovision Song Contest for many years from 1971. Highlights from this time are too many to mention, but few can forget the celebrated incident in 2001 when he slaughtered the two Danish hosts, Soren Pilmark and Natasja Crone in a fight to the death on a hill outside Brussels, stark naked save for the BBC logo daubed in woad on both buttocks.

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Filed under Europe, News, TV

Tired Cameron calls for vote to change Syria’s climate.

"You don't need a weatherman..."

“You don’t need a weatherman…”

David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.

Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.

“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.

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Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather

Emissions scandal spreads to German sausages and lager

sausage

Emissions have been linked to worrying levels of accordions.

As VW’s executives admit that they sometimes release noxious gases, Germany’s ‘who smelt it dealt it’ scandal has now spread to the important spiced pork industry.

For years, the EC has imposed ever-tougher environmental rules on the sausage. Along with cheap lager, they’re responsible for 60% of tailpipe emissions.

Consumer champion Pippa Delaney explained the deceit.

“It seems that while German manufacturers claim to make a ‘cleaner wiener’, in reality, they’re churning out the same dirty old bangers.”

“I think they were hoping we wouldn’t kick up a stink about this. But this must be followed through, and follow through I will.”
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Filed under environment, Europe, Food

Relief as migrants start heading south for the winter.

6e7e4716cfb3d87de158cee6648233de

Who do you think you’re kidding?

European leaders have expressed their relief as hundreds of thousands of foreign migrants began the long trip south to their winter asylum seeking quarters. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, charity, Civil rights, Europe, News, Save The Children, Society, Travel, War, Weather

Refugees to be shipped to UK in David Cameron’s forehead.

Dave Headroom

Room for one thousand more on top.

David Cameron’s forehead is to be sent to the Syrian border camps to collect the 20,000 additional refugees the UK government has agreed to let live.

Aid agencies had been struggling to find a vessel large enough and empty enough to transport the refugees, and have welcomed the use of Mr Cameron’s forehead while he’s not using it. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Children, Civil rights, Europe, Save The Children, Society, Travel, Uncategorized

Greek PM hailed as ‘true European’ after completely ignoring referendum

tsipras

“oopsie.”

Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras has been greeted as a ‘true European’, after entirely ignoring the will of his people.

Despite a referendum vote to reject a punitive settlement, Tsipras agreed to a more punitive one so that some Germans would like him.

“This is exactly what the European Union is all about”, said EU president Claude Juncker. “We ask the people, and then we listen to the banks.”
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Are you a true Brit? Take the Evening Harold Britishness test and find out.

British is who you are, not what you are.

Question 1.

You are in the supermarket when the store manager announces over the tannoy that an imminent meteor strike is heading your way. Do you

A – Panic buy all the toilet paper, shoving children and old ladies out of the way in your hurry to get what’s rightfully yours?

B – Use it as an opportunity to steal a laptop while everyone is distracted?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Queue patiently for the self service check out, tutting occasionally at all the noise and disorder.

Question 2.

You are on a crowded bus when a frail, elderly gentleman of dark skinned appearance struggles on only to find no seats available. Do you

A – Cast your eyes everywhere but at him in the hope that you don’t meet his gaze.

B – Take the piss out of his shoes?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Offer him your seat insisting that it’s perfectly fine despite your broken leg and neck brace?

Question 3.

You are watching the television news when a piece comes on about a major tragedy affecting hundreds of foreign people in a country you’ve never even heard of. Do you

A – Switch over to watch “When The World’s Shoutiest TV Presenters Attack”?

B – Laugh?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Immediately ring the charity help line to make a small donation then go and make a cup of tea?

Question 4.

You hear that a family of Syrian asylum seekers is moving into the house next door. Do you

A – Immediately start a petition among the local residents to get the filthy scrounging foreign benefit claiming scum removed?

B – Spray paint abusive messages on their front door telling them to go home?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Knock on the door to see if they need anything and invite them to pop round for a nice cup of tea?

Question 5.

You are on holiday in Majorca with your family when you see a woman wearing full burka despite the 40 degree heat. Do you

A – Carry on walking to the ‘Queen Victoria’ British theme pub, grab a pint of John Smith’s and an all day fry up then sit and moan about all the foreigners coming into Europe these days bringing their weird customs and practices and doing nothing to integrate with the local culture?

B – Throw stones at her until she cries?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Think to yourself that she must be jolly warm under that lot and wonder whether she’d appreciate a refreshing cup of tea?

Time to check your answers.

Mostly A – You are probably aged 18 to 35 and have grown up on a diet of Jeremy Kyle, Daily Mail and social media. You’re more of a bigot than your parents but not as bad as your kids. You believe everything you read on the internet.

Mostly B – You are probably aged 11 to 18 and were brought up by people who answered mostly A.

Mostly C – You are either a member of Islamic State or an American. It’s really not easy to tell from your answers.

Mostly D – You have many of the traits that made British people great before consumerism, Americanisation, me-first attitudes and the practice of everything catering solely for the hard-of-thinking took root. Congratulations, you can stay.

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Culture, Europe, International News, Lifestyle, News, Politics, Society, Uncategorized

Greece leaves tiny horse outside Brussels: creditors back it to win at Chepstow

pony

Who would put a pony on Greece?

In a last desperate throw of the dice, Greece has left a small, timber-clad pony on the steps of Brussels.

Always ones to look a gift-horse in the mouth, creditors refused to drag it inside and instead bet heavily on it to win at the ten to midnight handicap at Chepstow.

“We weren’t expecting that”, admitted Greek PM Alexis Tsipras.”We’d rather banked on them popping it into the vault.”
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Filed under Economy, Europe

Justice Minister: ‘will go to prison’ to oppose prisoner votes if necessary.

grayling

Can anyone else see A Big Cock?

Politicians with an eye on newspaper headlines are appalled by yet another European Court of Human Rights ruling today, that the UK breached prisoners’ rights by unlawfully refusing to give them the vote.

“Sod them,” said Minister of Justice, Chris Grayling in a typical outburst that has seen him labelled thoughtful and honest by no one ever. “We’re removing health benefits from prisoners’ families next.”

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Filed under Europe, Law and Order, Nature, News, Politics

“How can I hate racists? Some of my best friends are racist” Britain says

20140524-004916-2956121.jpg Following the relative success of Ukip in the English council election, and their expected results in the European ballot, many right-minded people are now having to backtrack from their pre-election smears.

With casual racism being proven an accepted political position, and the fact you are statistically never more than 15 feet from a Ukip voter, people across the country are now saying “how can I hate racists, some of my best friends are racists”.

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Filed under Election 2014, Europe, News, Politics

Play ‘You Know the Difference’ with Nigel Farage!

Nigel can see what’s happening on the streets of Britain, but do YOU have the same amazing vision?

Why not try Nigel’s “You Know the Difference” challenge, and see if you can spot the hidden difference between the nice German man and the Romanian! Nigel knows why he thinks they’re different, but he can’t say – not on the radio, anyway!

german-romanian

Do YOU know the difference???

 

You know you wouldn’t want one of them living next door to you, but can you spot the crucial reason why they’re so different?

Study these two men carefully, making sure to keep your mind nicely closed. Check your answer below!

If you can spot the difference – CONGRATULATIONS! You’re a UKIP candidate!

Next week: Join us again to play Spot the Difference between Nigel’s BRAIN and an ONION!

Answer: Of course there’s no fucking difference, you racist twat!

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Filed under Europe, Politics