Category Archives: environment

Thousand of idiots waiting beach-side, for huge ‘Darwin’ tide

manonbeachstorm

Andy heads off for a two dozen ’99’ Ice Cream cones, with extra grit

Hordes of dolts with limited imagination have been gathering along the beaches of south west England, hoping to see ‘the high tide of the century’.

“We can hardly wait” enthused popular Harold Curate Andy, pegging his windbreak with pebbles “I’ve heard it could be as high as a four-storey house. What’s that in metric then, about two feet? I can’t see anything going wrong but as I’ve brought the Sunday School class, I’ll allow three for safety.”

Andy explained that, by a stroke of bad luck, he’d just missed out on the Indonesian Tsunami. He’d been back-packing in the area only a month earlier, so he’s determined not miss out on some big-surf-wave action closer to home.

“The man on the TV said we should take precautions to ensure we stay safe and don’t put the emergency services at risk” said Andy “That’s why we’re wearing our b.o.g.o.f Eclipse Glasses.”

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Comedy change scientists say winter ‘global warming’ jokes at historical high

'And they call this global warming'

‘And they call this global warming’

Researchers at the Harold Institute of Comedy Studies have released a study showing that jokes about global warming during bouts of freezing cold and wet weather have reached dangerous levels.

Professor Al Jones, who specialises in comedy change, set up instruments throughout the UK to detect winter global warming jokes, and the results show clear evidence of a man-made comedy catastrophe.
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Filed under Around Harold, environment

‘Plain English’ award for landowner’s anti-trespass signs

gate sign

Sign praised for its ‘terse efficiency’.

A landowner in Harold has been praised by the Campaign for Clear English, after erecting signs everyone can understand.

Instead of the legally complex, four-syllable ‘no trespassing’ missive, Sir Reginald Benn-Hooper CBE has instead decided to tell ramblers to ‘f**k off’.

“It’s refreshing to see such a frank approach to language”, said Lyn Sharp of the word charity. “Even if English isn’t your first tongue, this will let you know where you stand. Or rather where you shouldn’t stand. We’ll be OK here, won’t we? I don’t think he’ll try and shoot at us again.”

Lyn Sharp explained that the sign was a ‘triumph of succinicity’, describing it as ‘terse’, ‘efficient’ and ‘darkly threatening’.

“It’s not so much what it says directly, but the subtle subtext”, she went on. “These two simple words let you know that not only is the land private, but that it’s owned by someone  aloof, someone privileged. Someone prepared to risk manslaughter to keep the plebs out of Benn-Hooper Spires.”

Sharp also praised the full stop, which is unusual for a sign post. “It’s a terrific way to finish, and it emphasises that the writer isn’t about to enter into a discussion. It’s the sort of finality you’d only normally expect to find on the top of an i. Or a j. I think that’s right, remind me to look it up when I get back to the office.”

Sir Reginald accepted the prestigious award by fax, after refusing to allow us to deliver it by hand. His acceptance speech was refreshingly brief.

“Are you c*nts still out there? I thought I’d already told you to f**k off. Much like my surname, this thing’s got two barrels, you know.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, environment

Joanna Lumley reveals plan for jungle motorway, jelly airport and unicorn lanes

potato bridge

There, that’s London fixed.

Joanna Lumley’s new ‘garden bridge’ is just the first step in making London less awful, she has revealed.

Now her influence over politicians has reached its full potential, Lumley has vowed to complete her vision of a Utopia based on children’s books and the dreams she has after eating cheese.

Using a mixture of feminine guile, important connections and a powerful mind-control gas, Lumley disclosed that the entire UK cabinet was effectively under her control.
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Filed under Business, Culture, environment

EC gives AA energy rating to beards

darwin

EC scientists claim Darwin was ‘carbon neutral’.

Facial hair could soon become compulsory, after Brussels tested a range of beards for energy efficiency.

Experts measured thermal insulation, wet performance and harmful emissions from a selection of chin enhancements, using a delapidated woman as a control.

“That was due to a translation error, but we stand by our results”, said depilatory scientist André Rhesus. “Even a frigid climate sceptic would recognise I’m much hotter with this stubble.”

While a Fu Manchu and a lip-clump only managed a ‘B’ rating, double-A was achieved by a full-on Brian Blessed.
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“We’re going to move the goalposts up Defra’s arse!” Defiant badgers prepare for new cull

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Badgers: plotting

Badgers are ramping up their campaign of mass non-violent civil disobedience ahead of a new cull instigated by Defra.

“Last year’s cull was concluded to be neither effective nor humane by an independent expert panel,” Manky Kevin co-leader of Harold’s badger colony told us. “Makes the government pretty special thinkers to know that and decide the answer is to shoot at us some more. The solution to Noel Edmonds isn’t having him on TV all the time, is it? Less is more with bullets, and with beardies.” Continue reading

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Local man shows environmental credentials by having sex in Smart car

There's room for your legs out the window dear

There’s room for your legs out the window dear

A Dunstable man’s strategy of showing his ‘green’ credentials by having sex in his electric Smart car has been so spectacularly successful that it has sparked a craze that is sweeping the UK.

Dunstable Council officer Andrew Chillace was overwhelmed by the reaction to his environmentally aware attempts to get his leg over.

“I’d been single for a few years – it isn’t easy when you are touching 50, have an appreciable paunch, and work in a dead-end job. Most of my female contemporaries were greenies so I tried sharing pictures of dolphins caught in plastic bags on Facebook. That got me a few likes, but for some reason it didn’t translate to any action.”

Mr Chillace explained that he then hit on the idea of buying a bright green electric Smart car.
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Filed under Around Harold, environment, Motoring

Entire country moving to Chipping Norton to escape fracking

6842050-exploring_the_Cotswolds_Chipping_Norton

Yeah, it looks okay but is there a Nandos?

The massive expansion in fracking in the UK has had a dramatic effect on the property market. Within minutes of the government announcing that fracking will be allowed to take place anywhere their chums wish to frack the rest of the population began moving to Chipping Norton. Continue reading

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Beavers fail to make money for government: sentenced to life imprisonment

European-beaver_01

Beaver or waterfox?

DEFRA has announced that it is to capture and place in captivity a colony of beavers currently living wild in Devon.

“They said it’s cos we could be carrying a disease and that landscape and habitats have changed in the 1000 years we’ve been gone out of Devon so we could bugger the environment up,” Alex the Tooth, leader of the Devon beavers told us. “Yeah, that’s true cos us beavers are well known for intensive farming and fracking. Somebody stop us before we drain all the marshes and fail to dredge any riverbeds.”

“The Coalition want to destroy everything they can’t make a profit on but somehow we’re the diseased ones,” he said. “Now I know what the badgers are so hacked off about.”

Alex the Tooth blames his colony’s woes on hunting.

“Last time we were around we were hunted to extinction,” he said. “No one wants to do that anymore so no one in power gives a toss about us. But maybe hunting will be our salvation. If we all dress up as foxes then half the Cabinet and all the Royal Family will want to put on a red jacket and chase us. The ‘waterfox’ will be ruled an essential part of nature before you can say ‘oh look the Duke of Edinburgh’s given little Prince George a cuddly waterfox toy and a tiny gun’.”

If the waterfox plan fails Alex the Tooth told us that he and the rest of his colony had an even more extreme one in reserve.

“We’re British and have been for thousands of years. If we don’t get some fair treatment soon then we shall all start voting Ukip.”

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New GM chickens born with leg elastic already in place

What's for dinner?

What’s for dinner?

A new breed of genetically modified chickens has been hailed a success by its developer, Harold farmer Lionel Garage.

“The new chicken type is featherless from birth,” Mr Garage told the Evening Harold, “pre-basted and also comes with the all-important leg elastic as a built-in feature.”

Farmer Garage claims the new design will result in increased profitability for chicken producers, saving them much of the cost of traditional posthumous poultry processing.

“Standard-type chickens require labour-intensive after-death attention,” he said, “and I’m frankly sick off forking out so much plucking cash. And you wouldn’t believe how long it takes to get that elastic band round its back legs.”

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Filed under Around Harold, DNA, Economy, environment, Farming, Food, Health, Nature, Pets, spam

Badgers ask to be removed from Google to escape government persecution

IFA-00006629-001

Going off the grid. You ain’t seen it, right?

England’s badgers have applied to have their details wiped from Google to escape government death squads.

“We’re exercising our right to be forgotten,” said Manky Kevin of the Harold Wood badger colony. “The Coalition are determined to wipe us out but we’re hoping if we can’t be found online they’ll lose interest and go after hedgehogs instead.” Continue reading

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Lions deny any involvement in Longleat fire

firelion

Investigators think he might be lion.

A pride of lions has sought to distance itself from a vehicle blaze in their enclosure at Longleat.

Despite ‘vaguely smelling of turps’, investigators have so far failed to pin the blame on the big cats, who categorically denied they’d put a tiger in the tank.

Michelle Evans is a forensic keeper at the park, and thinks the lions may have paid some chimps to monkey with the car’s cooling system.

“The family think their car overheated in slow traffic, but if that was the case the M6 would be ablaze from Knutsford right through to the M56”, she explained. “We’re pretty sure an alpha male bribed the chimps to rub their muck in the radiator, and sat back and waited for the females to bring a meal back from the drive-thru.”
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Filed under environment, Law and Order, Nature

‘Star Wars is responsible for climate change’ claims academic

Yoda_SWSB

Honestly, who seems more real to you? This chap or Kim Kardashian?

Harold academic Professor Monica Simon has launched a stinging attack on Star Wars by saying it is to blame for climate change. Her new book Laugh It Up, Fuzzball: How George Lucas Happily Destroyed Earth claims that the film director has succeeded in brain-washing everyone into “buggering up the planet because they think they can just go to another one.” Continue reading

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Climate change refugees flee Somerset for Atlantis

atlantis

RUINED: Incomers have created ‘mouth breather ghettos’

The City of Atlantis is struggling to cope with the sheer number of ‘climate change refugees’ pouring in from the West Country.

Once a quiet, moist metropolis with a bouyant economy, Atlantis now resembles ‘something from a Wurzels video’, according to one resident.

“They come down here with their rough cider, their red neckerchiefs and their lungs, and expect us to provide them with air”, claimed merlady Floella Kelp. “I wouldn’t mind, but some of them have brought accordians and leave sticky lumps of Stinking Bishop all over the place. I’m all for multi-culturalism but there has to be a limit.”
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The Beast of Harold (an unsolved mystery)

Beast of Harold  (artist's impression)

Beast of Harold (artist’s impression)

Villagers on the outskirts of Harold spoke yesterday of their fear and horror after numerous sightings of a mysterious beast were reported.

Residents spoke of hearing a continuous low growl, the sound of claws scraping over stone, a heavy chain dragging and other sinister and otherworldly noises.

Those who saw what has been called The Beast of Harold, describe it as a large, dog-like dark-furred animal, around the size of a Shetland pony and with amber eyes which blazed an iridescent green in torchlight.

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, environment, Farming, Law and Order, Pagans, Pets

Global warming blamed for unseasonably early appearance of caravans

Will the world end with a Sprite Deluxe Tourer?

Will the world end with a Sprite Deluxe Tourer?

Despite intensive storms, coastal erosion and record flooding, the average British citizen had been ambivalent to the threat of climate change until last weekend.

However, the full horror of global warming has come closer to home after scientists confirmed that the weekend’s early clogging of Britain’s road network by caravans was ‘almost certainly due’ to the effects of global warming. Continue reading

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Harold architect planning to convert his house back into a barn

barn

Artist’s impression of completed barn re-conversion.

Touched by the plight of lambing sheep stranded on the Somerset Levels, Harold architect Joseph Blythe has applied to Harold Council for permission to convert his high-spec open-plan living accommodation back into the barn from which he created it a decade ago.

“It’s a long-term job that’s going to cost a lot of money,” he said, but remains undaunted by the scale of the project, which involves ripping out the balconied mezzanine above the main living area and replacing it with a simple hayloft and digging up the Italian stone floor tiles to create a soil-level sleeping area for the sheep. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, environment, Farming, floods, Lifestyle, Nature, Pets

Kim Jong-un accused of visiting UK flood victims just for a photo opportunity

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Following In the footsteps of Labour leader Ed Miliband, North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has been accused of trying to capitalise on people’s misery and enhance his image in the West by visiting flood affected areas in the UK for a photo opportunity.

“In this situation he has about as much power and influence as Miliband,” one angry resident of Purley said.
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Eton College threatened by floods: Environment Agency’s resources suddenly limitless

Capture

A playing field at Eton: more important than you, your families or your homes could ever be to this government

As the Thames bursts its banks and parts of Berkshire flooded the Environment Agency swung into action with an ongoing and limitlessly resourced operation sanctioned by the government to ensure that not one inch of Eton College’s four hundred acres of grounds gets even slightly damp. Continue reading

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Screw you Poseidon: toughened by failed cull badgers thrive and evolve in Somerset floods

1_badger-swimming

Who amongst us does not have swimming with badgers on their bucket list?

While floods continue to cause misery for the people of Somerset they have proved to be extremely good news for badgers whose population is not just thriving and growing but to the surprise of naturalists becoming tool-using. Continue reading

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