He’s not joking
Rap star Kanye West actually believes the things he says and is not on a massive wind up, according to sources close to the bell-end.
The part-time Hip Hop artist, part-time fashion designer, full-time egotist has been lamenting the fact that he simply does not have enough money to change the world in all the ways that he could, and apparently he’s serious. Continue reading
David Abraham, CEO of Channel 4, has announced that following a spirited but ultimately disappointing attempt to off some publicity hungry has-beens, winter sports reality show The Jump will be replaced by Celebrity Russian Roulette.
“Sadly The Jump simply hasn’t taken off as we’d like,” he said. “Despite our best efforts everyone is still alive. So now it’s time to literally roll out the big guns and see who’s feeling lucky.” Continue reading
“It will only seem like an eternity”
Ending speculation that it might be rested, ITV has delivered the crushing news that X Factor will continue until hell freezes over.
An ITV spokesman dismissed this as pure speculation and confirmed that the contract actually runs to 2017, “so it will only seem like an eternity”.
The Grim Reaper has announced that his project for 2016 is to put together a truly remarkable band in the afterlife.
“I took Lemmy and then thought, hang on, this could be the start of something big so I carried on,” the anthropomorphic personification told us. “After Lemmy for bass I went huge for the front man and got Bowie and now there’s also Dale Griffin on drums and Glenn Frey on lead guitar.”
“A band this awesome needs a hugely charismatic person to introduce them and no one fits the bill like Alan Rickman.” Continue reading
He who must not be President
Movie fan and frightful old bore Donald Trump has expressed outrage that the Hermione character in the new Harry Potter stage production will be played by a muggle actress.
“This is a disgraceful example of these muggles coming here and taking over,” raged Trump today. “Everyone knows that Hermione is magical, far more so than some of the other actors, like that guy who plays Neville, for example.”
“This new one, I saw her in Midsomer Murders, and she wasn’t in the least bit magical. I think people are going to be pretty unhappy.”
“Not like that lovely Emma Watson. She can make Polyjuice Potion, and her Patronus is an otter.”
It’s everywhere but not here. Enjoy.
And who gives a rat’s arse whether the Force is with you or not? Continue reading
Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.
A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.
Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black. “He’s very popular. I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”
The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.
Is that a Yoda in your pocket? Or do you have a serious medical condition?
Disney has admitted that their Star Wars franchise may have cocked up, as it rolled out a new light saber condom.
Available in Jedi Green, or red for those who want to explore the dark side, the prophylactic is lubricated to reduce science friction.
But consumer groups have complained that the sheath is a wholly inappropriate way to get inside fans and build excitement about the franchise.
Sod off, Australia. Ain’t no wombats in the European Union flag.
Europe’s leaders are coming under intense pressure to close the borders now that Australia has infiltrated the Eurovision Song Contest for the second year running.
“This is beyond a joke,” said villager and seasoned Eurovision viewer Jane Hough. “When will the Eurovision powers that be realise that the majority of people don’t support their policy of letting anyone in? Australia is not compatible with Europe and especially not with the UK. They have endless sun and great sports teams, we have endless Katie Price and oh my god what happened during the rugby world cup?” Continue reading
The atmosphere was electric. Probably all the nylon.
Following the successful remake of 1970’s classics such as The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, Poldark and a militant left wing Labour Party, the BBC has announced that it is to reboot the 1979 BBC Election special as a 10 part serial. Continue reading
Pensioner Rod invokes the horror of war
There was a collective sigh of relief at this evening’s annual Festival of Remembrance when the traditional two minute’s silence finally commenced after the onslaught of the ‘popular’ songsters introduced to bring the 1914-18 Great War bang up to date.
It’s not often that the start of the solemn moment is met with a cheer from the audience at the Royal Albert Hall however the pain and suffering inflicted by the bombardment of howitzers from Pixie Lott and Rod Stewart took many onlookers back poignantly to the horrors of trench warfare and the cease fire brought about by the silence was greeted with much the same delight as the signing of the Armistice all those years ago. Continue reading
Fishing isn’t for everyone.
Men who lack the skills to hold down even the simplest of hobbies have been invited to a new support group in Harold.
Held within crawling distance of the walk-in village hospital, the group will meet on Tuesdays when the queue for A&E is at its shortest.
“Phil Evans will give a talk this week on how best to store a severed thumb, after changing the oil on a Morris Minor”, explained Pippa Delaney.
“And Mr Delaney will explain why you never need to wear safety goggles, when using a chisel to prise a woodscrew out of your knee.”
As another James Bond tits ‘n’ explosions spectacular hurtles into cinemas this weekend a shock poll has discovered that most UK adults are about as interested in 007 as they are in finding a way to have a lot less sex.
“Problem is it can’t be spoken of,” said one poll respondent. “Being a fan of James Bond is part of being British. You can’t say you think he’s a dull and violent cockwomble any more than you can say you don’t know what Mary Berry is for and didn’t laugh when Del Boy fell through the bar.” Continue reading
It might be cramped, but you can always pop your dog on the passenger seat.
Fans of the much-anticipated ‘Star Wars – The Force Awakens’ have reacted angrily to the Millennium Falcon being branded an Audi.
With spiralling costs and an increase in video piracy, Disney claim they were ‘forced’ to seek income from the dark side.
“Product placement has been criticised in the past, but Audi is a natural brand to complement the Star Wars product”, said Disney’s Bob Taeft. “They chose the Millennium Falcon because it’s grey, doesn’t have indicators, but can do the Kessel run on half a tank of unleaded.”
Bremner, Bird and Fortune
The nation’s sense of trust in the BBC has reached an all-time low, following the revelation that its flagship art valuation program Fake or Fortune is itself a complete fake.
The program features a gullible member of the public who has bought a work of art by a famous artist at a massive discount because the work has not yet been authenticated. It’s Fiona Bruce’s job to trace the work’s history across Europe and establish the all-important provenance. The gullible owner is excited by the prospect of a genuine work worth millions, but ends the program in tears, when an expert points out that Chagall never signed his name with an S.
An investigation by the Broadcasting Standards Authority, however, found that the program was made up and none of the characters were real. The findings were that the program was filmed entirely in a studio in Manchester and shots of Fiona Bruce outside the Louvre in Paris were created by back projection, using a look-alike actress, with her voice dubbed on afterwards by Russell Crowe. And the works of art were all stage props, made in the BBC’s workshops.
Bono enjoying a quiet moment of smug
Many more Syrian refugees could be rehomed if Western governments introduced a system where citizens were forced to pay a portion of their income into a nationally administered central pot, according to Irish singer, activist, and thinker Bono.
“Refugees, hospitals, and schools, you name it, we could pay for it all if only the UK and other Western governments introduced a compulsory system to take money from its people” said Bono smugly.
He’s barely broken a sweat.
The art of Tai Chi body movement may be very gradually evolving into PE. That’s the claim in a new scientific paper, jointly written by an expert in Darwinism and a PE teacher from Harold.
“Evolution is a very slow process at the best of times,” said Dr Joan Mirror, “so when you’re dealing with the evolution of something as slow as Tai Chi, you’re probably looking at hundreds of millions of years before the hallmarks of PE begin to emerge.”
Here’s some weather you might have missed.
The BBC’s extensive archive of weather reports has been bought by a channel for people with head injuries.
Dave, which repeats everything from topical news quizzes to old episodes of Crimewatch, can now exclusively show the BBC’s best guesses at what the weather was like a few years ago.
Making a welcome return to our screens will be John Kettley, Michael Fish, and the one with eyes like a horse’s before he had a beard.
The move is expected to be popular with people planning last year’s holiday.