Category Archives: Entertainment

Fumes of Mordor not technically ‘weather’

legolas

Sod the red sky at night bollocks, what about his gorgeous hair?

Harold’s new weatherman, Nicholas Legolas, has been fired after viewers complained about his “overly dramatic” style.

The handsome blonde, thought to have been employed for his good looks and piercing eyes, often adopted a portentous tone when delivering reports on Harold’s latest meteorological activities.

“He is a lovely looking lad” said Doris Kettle, “with hair like a Pantene advert, mine were never that shiny, not even when I were young. But I don’t need to know about the fumes of Mordor of a morning, I just want to know if I can put me delicates on the line to dry.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Fumes of Mordor not technically ‘weather’

Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment, News, Weather

Scientists close to explaining Donald Trump

Do not adjust your TV set.

Do not adjust your TV set.

“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it.  Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole.  Metaphorically speaking.”

Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.

“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President.  The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”

“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Scientists close to explaining Donald Trump

Filed under Entertainment, idiots, Intergalactic News, Politics, science, Space, TV, USA

‘David Furnishings’ homeware website mysteriously offline

david

Complete mystery

‘David Furnishings’, Littlehampton’s premier homeware and soft fabrics website, has mysteriously gone offline, it was reported today.

Customers had reported difficulties accessing the site over the last few days, and this morning it was completely inaccessible to any customers from the UK, although overseas browsers remained unaffected.

“It’s a disaster, to by honest,” explained proprietor Jeremy David, after whom the business is named. “It seems that only people abroad can see the site at all, and how many customers in Brisbane are going to want to buy a sofa cover from Littlehampton, even it is made from a soft but durable wool/polyester mix? Not many, I’ll tell you that.”

Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Entertainment, Families, music, News

Kanye West deadly serious

He's not joking

He’s not joking

Rap star Kanye West actually believes the things he says and is not on a massive wind up, according to sources close to the bell-end.

The part-time Hip Hop artist, part-time fashion designer, full-time egotist has been lamenting the fact that he simply does not have enough money to change the world in all the ways that he could, and apparently he’s serious. Continue reading

Comments Off on Kanye West deadly serious

Filed under Entertainment, News

Channel 4 to show Celebrity Russian Roulette as The Jump fails to kill Z-listers

one-bulletDavid Abraham, CEO of Channel 4, has announced that following a spirited but ultimately disappointing attempt to off some publicity hungry has-beens, winter sports reality show The Jump will be replaced by Celebrity Russian Roulette.

“Sadly The Jump simply hasn’t taken off as we’d like,” he said. “Despite our best efforts everyone is still alive. So now it’s time to literally roll out the big guns and see who’s feeling lucky.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Channel 4 to show Celebrity Russian Roulette as The Jump fails to kill Z-listers

Filed under Entertainment

UK despairs: X Factor will last “until 2017 and beyond”

x-factor-logo

“It will only seem like an eternity”

Ending speculation that it might be rested, ITV has delivered the crushing news that X Factor will continue until hell freezes over.

An ITV spokesman dismissed this as pure speculation and confirmed that the contract actually runs to 2017, “so it will only seem like an eternity”.

Continue reading

Comments Off on UK despairs: X Factor will last “until 2017 and beyond”

Filed under Entertainment, music, News, Showbusiness, TV

Earth is 2 dimensional, insists one dimensional pop star.

bob-rapper

B.o.B contemplating serious things.

Hippety hoppity rap singer and renowned expert in cartography and basic astrophysics, B.o.B has amused and amazed his fans on social media recently by declaring his belief that the world is flat. Continue reading

Comments Off on Earth is 2 dimensional, insists one dimensional pop star.

Filed under Badgers, Entertainment, idiots, Media, music, News, science, Showbusiness, Social media, Space

Grim Reaper putting together a bloody brilliant band

Lemme-Bowie-Rickma_2641244aThe Grim Reaper has announced that his project for 2016 is to put together a truly remarkable band in the afterlife.

“I took Lemmy and then thought, hang on, this could be the start of something big so I carried on,” the anthropomorphic personification told us. “After Lemmy for bass I went huge for the front man and got Bowie and now there’s also Dale Griffin on drums and Glenn Frey on lead guitar.”

“A band this awesome needs a hugely charismatic person to introduce them and no one fits the bill like Alan Rickman.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Grim Reaper putting together a bloody brilliant band

Filed under Entertainment

Donald Trump ‘outraged’ that new Hermione actress is muggle

DJT

He who must not be President

Movie fan and frightful old bore Donald Trump has expressed outrage that the Hermione character in the new Harry Potter stage production will be played by a muggle actress.

“This is a disgraceful example of these muggles coming here and taking over,” raged Trump today. “Everyone knows that Hermione is magical, far more so than some of the other actors, like that guy who plays Neville, for example.”

“This new one, I saw her in Midsomer Murders, and she wasn’t in the least bit magical. I think people are going to be pretty unhappy.”

“Not like that lovely Emma Watson. She can make Polyjuice Potion, and her Patronus is an otter.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Donald Trump ‘outraged’ that new Hermione actress is muggle

Filed under Entertainment, Politics

Reader Gift: Your very own Star Wars hype-free zone

It’s everywhere but not here. Enjoy.

And who gives a rat’s arse whether the Force is with you or not?  Continue reading

Comments Off on Reader Gift: Your very own Star Wars hype-free zone

Filed under Entertainment

Jeremy Corbyn launches singing career with sure-fire Christmas hit

So sweet

So sweet

Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.

A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.

Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black.  “He’s very popular.  I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”

The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Jeremy Corbyn launches singing career with sure-fire Christmas hit

Filed under Christmas, Entertainment, floods, Labour, Movies, music, Tory sex scandal, Vicars, Weather

Light saber condoms ‘a step too far’ admits Disney

light saber

Is that a Yoda in your pocket? Or do you have a serious medical condition?

Disney has admitted that their Star Wars franchise may have cocked up, as it rolled out a new light saber condom.

Available in Jedi Green, or red for those who want to explore the dark side, the prophylactic is lubricated to reduce science friction.

But consumer groups have complained that the sheath is a wholly inappropriate way to get inside fans and build excitement about the franchise.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Light saber condoms ‘a step too far’ admits Disney

Filed under Advertisments, Entertainment

Calls for Europe’s borders to be closed as Australia joins Eurovision 2016

european-union-flag-1

Sod off, Australia. Ain’t no wombats in the European Union flag.

Europe’s leaders are coming under intense pressure to close the borders now that Australia has infiltrated the Eurovision Song Contest for the second year running.

“This is beyond a joke,” said villager and seasoned Eurovision viewer Jane Hough. “When will the Eurovision powers that be realise that the majority of people don’t support their policy of letting anyone in? Australia is not compatible with Europe and especially not with the UK. They have endless sun and great sports teams, we have endless Katie Price and oh my god what happened during the rugby world cup?” Continue reading

Comments Off on Calls for Europe’s borders to be closed as Australia joins Eurovision 2016

Filed under Entertainment

BBC to remake the classic 1979 Election Special.

_47728604_79_election_presenters

The atmosphere was electric. Probably all the nylon.

Following the successful remake of 1970’s classics such as The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, Poldark and a militant left wing Labour Party, the BBC has announced that it is to reboot the 1979 BBC Election special as a 10 part serial. Continue reading

Comments Off on BBC to remake the classic 1979 Election Special.

Filed under Badgers, Entertainment, Lifestyle, News, Nostalgia, Politics, Showbusiness

Minutes’ silence at Festival of Remembrance is welcome relief after Pixie Lott and Rod Stewart’s singing

Pensioner Rod invokes the horror of war

Pensioner Rod invokes the horror of war

There was a collective sigh of relief at this evening’s annual Festival of Remembrance when the traditional two minute’s silence finally commenced after the onslaught of the ‘popular’ songsters introduced to bring the 1914-18 Great War bang up to date.

It’s not often that the start of the solemn moment is met with a cheer from the audience at the Royal Albert Hall however the pain and suffering inflicted by the bombardment of howitzers from Pixie Lott and Rod Stewart took many onlookers back poignantly to the horrors of trench warfare and the cease fire brought about by the silence was greeted with much the same delight as the signing of the Armistice all those years ago. Continue reading

Comments Off on Minutes’ silence at Festival of Remembrance is welcome relief after Pixie Lott and Rod Stewart’s singing

Filed under charity, Entertainment, News

Support group formed for men who are ‘shit at hobbies’

Fishing isn't for everyone.

Fishing isn’t for everyone.

Men who lack the skills to hold down even the simplest of hobbies have been invited to a new support group in Harold.

Held within crawling distance of the walk-in village hospital, the group will meet on Tuesdays when the queue for A&E is at its shortest.

“Phil Evans will give a talk this week on how best to store a severed thumb, after changing the oil on a Morris Minor”, explained Pippa Delaney.

“And Mr Delaney will explain why you never need to wear safety goggles, when using a chisel to prise a woodscrew out of your knee.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Support group formed for men who are ‘shit at hobbies’

Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Medicine

Nation afraid to admit it thinks James Bond is crap

Daniel Craig - New James Bond movie Casino Royale

Pfffffffft

As another James Bond tits ‘n’ explosions spectacular hurtles into cinemas this weekend a shock poll has discovered that most UK adults are about as interested in 007 as they are in finding a way to have a lot less sex.

“Problem is it can’t be spoken of,” said one poll respondent. “Being a fan of James Bond is part of being British. You can’t say you think he’s a dull and violent cockwomble any more than you can say you don’t know what Mary Berry is for and didn’t laugh when Del Boy fell through the bar.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Nation afraid to admit it thinks James Bond is crap

Filed under Entertainment

Is this Britain’s new biggest killer?

One of these will blow your mind…

The rapid increase in the number of click bait related deaths has led top neurologist Dr William Fish to call for immediate action to curb the practice.

He blames the recent growth in deaths by ‘blown minds’ on social media posts which offer to ‘shock, stun or amaze’ the most vulnerable, sad, gullible and pathetically easy to amuse members of society. Continue reading

Comments Off on Is this Britain’s new biggest killer?

Filed under Badgers, Culture, Entertainment, Health, idiots, News, Social media, Society, spam, Technology

Outrage at Star Wars Audi product placement

millennium falcon3

It might be cramped, but you can always pop your dog on the passenger seat.

Fans of the much-anticipated ‘Star Wars – The Force Awakens’ have reacted angrily to the Millennium Falcon being branded an Audi.

With spiralling costs and an increase in video piracy, Disney claim they were ‘forced’ to seek income from the dark side.

“Product placement has been criticised in the past, but Audi is a natural brand to complement the Star Wars product”, said Disney’s Bob Taeft. “They chose the Millennium Falcon because it’s grey, doesn’t have indicators, but can do the Kessel run on half a tank of unleaded.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Outrage at Star Wars Audi product placement

Filed under Advertisments, Culture, Entertainment

No trust left after BBC’s ‘Fake or Fortune’ revealed as a fake

Fake or Fortune.

Bremner, Bird and Fortune

The nation’s sense of trust in the BBC has reached an all-time low, following the revelation that its flagship art valuation program Fake or Fortune is itself a complete fake.

The program features a gullible member of the public who has bought a work of art by a famous artist at a massive discount because the work has not yet been authenticated. It’s Fiona Bruce’s job to trace the work’s history across Europe and establish the all-important provenance. The gullible owner is excited by the prospect of a genuine work worth millions, but ends the program in tears, when an expert points out that Chagall never signed his name with an S.

An investigation by the Broadcasting Standards Authority, however, found that the program was made up and none of the characters were real. The findings were that the program was filmed entirely in a studio in Manchester and shots of Fiona Bruce outside the Louvre in Paris were created by back projection, using a look-alike actress, with her voice dubbed on afterwards by Russell Crowe. And the works of art were all stage props, made in the BBC’s workshops.

Continue reading

Comments Off on No trust left after BBC’s ‘Fake or Fortune’ revealed as a fake

Filed under Art, Entertainment, Media, science, Showbusiness, TV