As staff at London’s Hunterian museum prepare to exhibit the skull of the original Pooh bear, other museums have begun trawling through their store rooms for similar grisly treasures.
Category Archives: Education
The nation’s schools are today toasting Nicky Morgan, who plans to review how primary school pupils are assessed.
“That’s fantastic!” enthused Harold teaching assistant Carly Jeffery, when we broke the news to her this morning . “I’m bored with the current system, which is over a year old. Can you believe it, more than 12 months?” Continue reading
Children returning to school after term-time trips abroad could face a wall of silence around work they have missed while taking advantage of cheaper fares.
That’s the recommendation of teachers who see fines as ineffective against low- and middle-income parents who believe they have a right to go on discounted vacations in June that they couldn’t have afforded at summer market prices.
“Parents may think their children can catch up, or get the worksheets they missed – but if these measures are introduced, they will not even be informed what topics were covered while they were away. They won’t even know there is a 7-times table,” warned Carly Jeffery, assistant teacher at St. Mary’s primary school. Continue reading
A new Scottish thesaurus which lists 422 words for members of the Conservative party, is facing a ban under the obscene publications act.
With words ranging from ‘bawbag’ to ‘jobby’, and dozens of ruder ones in between, the Scots have one more word for ‘twazzocks’ than they do for snow. And 421 more than they have Tory MPs.
Author Tristan Hemlock carried out much of his research in a Glasgow pub, and very shortly afterwards, a nearby infirmary.
“I sat down at the bar, and asked politely if any of the locals had a good word for the Tories”, explained Hemlock.
“The response was tremendous, I was met with a bewildering wall of abuse. Fortunately, I managed to write most of it down.”
Celebrity thought vacuum Joey Essex has been awarded an honorary D-grade in GCSE expressive arts.
The qualification was presented by Spencer Chadwick of the Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven, after it was noticed that his work inspired teachers and parents to see even the thickest children in a new light.
“This is a great honour”, said Essex. “Would you like my autograph? I can nearly do it now. Does this make me a doctor? How many numbers are there in ‘reem’?”
“Essex inspires us not to give up on even the most grating of our mouth-breathing morons”, soothed Headmaster Chadwick. “Idiocy is no longer a taboo, in fact it’s now something to celebrate.”
Ed Balls has given the Labour election campaign a powerful boost, after announcing he has finally passed GCSE maths.
The shadow chancellor has resat the tough exam 32 times, “which is an even number”, the newly-confident maths-whizz revealed.
But it was 30-ish times lucky for Balls, who finally has a ‘strong pass’ in one of the key qualifications any economist would strive for.
“We’ve put it on the fridge, so visiting dignitaries can see it”, said Balls. “Alex Salmond was so impressed, he gave me two pounds to spend on sweets. Just think, I could buy a penny chew every day for a year.”
A school in Harold is letting parents take holidays in term time, but only if their offspring aren’t ‘promising’.
Head mistress of St. Mary’s primary school Alison Lee explained that her dimmest pupils can leave any time they like, but urged parents to ‘try at least’ to clash with OFSTED inspections.
“A lot of the brighter parents come to me and say that a holiday in some far-away paradise can be educational for their children”, said Lee. “But when they come back, their maths tends not to have improved in the slightest.”
“But when the Evans’ took their pair of mouth-breathers to a caravan in Rhyll in September, our SATS predictions climbed by 7%. It was an astonishing result; on average, even their two brainless dolts have benefited. As I told Mr Evans, I knew they’d have better luck educating them.”
Michael Gove has announced that the syllabus for GCSE English will consist exclusively of novels by JK Rowling, following her recent ‘outstanding display of Britishness’.
As a result of her sizeable donation to the Scotland ‘No’ campaign, the author has been reassessed by the education secretary. Her books are now rated as ‘outstanding’, rather than ‘satisfactory’ as previously thought.
“I would endorse any author who promotes Britishness in their writing, especially if that writing is on a cheque book”, revealed Gove. “There’s a million reasons why we’ve made this decision.”
The Secretary of State for Education told a packed House of Commons of his concerns about the arrangements for monitoring schools.
“Yes, all those agencies are culpable, obviously. But what a shame there isn’t, say, one individual in charge of our education system.” said the Education Secretary to his stunned audience.
Michael Gove has today defended his controversial reform of GCSEs. By throwing out the entire curriculum and instead requiring pupils to simply answer the question ‘are your parents rich?’ the Education Secretary says the results will give a much more honest assessment of pupils’ future prospects. Continue reading
A 20 year-long study by Dunstable Psychology Professor Sue Rodgers has concluded that all men are in fact bastards. The study has attracted criticism due to the unusually small sample size (one) but Professor Rodgers argues that the findings are still ‘robust’.
“Just studying one man meant I could really dig deep and find what men are truly about, which is that they are bastards” explained Rodgers. “Tell me any other study that has gone to the extent of studying all the texts on a man’s phone and spread sheeting the 8,432 messages to and from that MANKY WHORE.”
Following the decision by Michael Gove to remove some famous American literary works from the English Literature opting for more ‘traditionally english’ material such as the Conservative Party 1802 manifesto, he is also planning to ban the use of Arabic Numerals in maths.
“If Ukip’s recent success is anything to go by, then it is clear people want a more nationalist country” Gove explained in statement made in Latin. “That’s why we we intend to bring back good old Roman Numerals, or showing fingers and toes, or beans, the traditional English way.
The National Association of Head Teachers (NAHT) is issuing advice to parents about how to keep their children happy, news which has angered some in the local community. “Tell your children you love them, keep them clean, and let them help with exotic cooking” are some of the patronising tips which will appear in a leaflet to be sent home with parents.
Poor qualifications may mean British youngsters losing out on jobs, fears the Prime Minister.
“My own father was good at Maths and English” he said yesterday “He could add up money and read tax law, which meant I had the qualifications to get into Eton College, after which it was onwards and upwards. If I have one question for aspirational young people, looking for opportunities today, it is this – do your parents have pots of money?” Continue reading
The National Union of Teachers has denied that voting to hold strikes in June has anything to do with either sunshine, football or tennis. Continue reading
St Mary’s Primary School’s ‘Billy the Bear’ will no longer be taken home each weekend by one of the children. Following some unusually candid electronic diary entries by the popular cuddly toy, Harold Headteacher Alison Lee has reluctantly put the cuffs on little Billy until further notice.
“We’re a broad church here at St Mary’s but we’ve grounded Billy until he gets some intensive remedial education. We are also worried about a possible identity crisis, because he always logs in as ‘Janice’. Ms Lee highlighted several recent ‘Billy’s Diary’ entries that caused concern, including:
‘Siobhan’s mum is a liar. I went in a helicopter did I? Bollocks. She put me in the recycling bin twice and then vomited on my fur. I’d report her to social services, but they never take bears seriously. Especially toy ones.’ Continue reading
Following cuts to school budgets, many parents are being asked to make voluntary contributions to building materials needed for urgent school renovation work, a survey says.
The Association of Teachers and Lecturers survey of 500 staff members in schools found 46% of parents were asked to bring in bricks or breezeblocks, with a futher 15% required to contribute cement, concrete or waterproof grouting.
Department for Education guidance says: “Nothing in legislation prevents a school governing body or local authority from asking for voluntary contributions for the benefit of the school or any school activities, especially a nice bit or tarmac for that dodgy carpark or some scaffolding if you don’t mind.”
It adds: “When making requests for voluntary contributions, parents must not be made to feel pressurised into paying as it is voluntary and not compulsory. However, children who do not contribute to building work may be required to sit outside in the rain, the tight-arsed little bastards.” Continue reading
Following his bizarre leaked claim that young entrepreneurs are attracted to London for “hot sex”, Michael Gove has now announced the release of the “Hot Gove Sex Tape”, featuring the education secretary vigorously shafting the UK teaching system.
It is hardly a surprise to see Mr Gove fucking up the nation’s schools, but horrified internet viewers were today seeking emergency counselling after glimpsing the fuzzy vision him pounding away at state schools, forcing his dogma onto them by the back door, and leaving education in the UK literally buggered.
“Sex sells,” claimed Gove in a breathless interview with Razzle magazine this morning, “And I’m the man to get those investors pumping liquidity into our system. My profile is enormous.”
It has long been a truism that “If it exists, there is porn of it”, but no-one ever thought this would extend to Gove. Even hard-core serial porn addicts who think nothing of, say, sex with badgers, have resorting to stabbing their own eyes out with forks, and the opt-in rate for the new Internet Pornography Filter has skyrocketed.
“We’re not surprised that Mr Gove would see himself as such as expert on sex,” insisted a Downing Street spokesman. “After all, he’s an attractive, rugged, glistening… excuse me a moment.” The press conference was then interrupted while a bucket was being sought.
Many commentators are seeing Gove’s leap into the erotic as a blatant publicity stunt in preparation for a future bid to lead the Conservative party. Furious at being for once overshadowed, London Mayor Boris Johnson’s immediate response was to launch a premium-rate phone line where, for huge charges, the worst kind of twisted pervert can hear him explain his vision for London.
When asked for the teaching profession’s view of Gove’s sex tape, National Union of Teachers Secretary Kevin Courtney issued a brief statement, saying simply: “What a massive prick.”
Aviation safety experts have warned passengers and pilots alike of the dangers of using a helicopter more than once.
But Nicola Bentley of the ‘Land Once’ campaign insisted that choppers are perfectly safe, as long as they’re destroyed immediately after their maiden flight.
“Given their enormous expense and technical complexity, some people might be tempted to get back in a used helicopter and make a return journey”, explained Bentley. “But our advice is ‘don’t’. Helicopters are a lot like matches, condoms or carrier bags in that respect: only a moron would attempt to re-use them.”
Bentley is calling for clearer labeling on helicopters, as well as the removal of temptations such as fuel filler flaps. “Don’t get back in it, for God’s sake don’t refuel it, and don’t ever attempt to switch the big fan back on”, warned Bentley.
Following reports that many Ofsted inspectors do not have the skills or teaching experience needed to judge schools, is has emerged that what was assumed to be a body of humans is in fact largely made up of a roving pack of baboons, missing from London Zoo for several years.
The problem seems to have started as Ofsted became increasingly reliant on private firms to provide inspectors, with the obvious lack of quality controls that brings.
Motivated purely by profits, the outsourcing companies seem to have employed the cheapest inspectors possible, with the baboons undercutting even the foreign or dead candidates.
Many schools did not notice any difference at first, so low were their expectations of the inspectors, and suspicions only came to light after a recent think tank report mentioned that the majority of inspectors “Lacked teaching experience, and seemed to be covered in fur matted with faeces”. Continue reading