George and Dave listen to Labour’s response
The first Tory budget since 1996 aims for rich people to keep more of the cash they’ve got from poor people. “We’ve a lot of years to make up but it’s much much more than just revenge.” insists George Osborne.
“It’s also about stopping the poor getting any of the cash that belongs to us. Continue reading
Who would put a pony on Greece?
In a last desperate throw of the dice, Greece has left a small, timber-clad pony on the steps of Brussels.
Always ones to look a gift-horse in the mouth, creditors refused to drag it inside and instead bet heavily on it to win at the ten to midnight handicap at Chepstow.
“We weren’t expecting that”, admitted Greek PM Alexis Tsipras.”We’d rather banked on them popping it into the vault.”
Filed under Economy, Europe
I want to be an engine driver. Woo woo!
With only 100 days until what is expected by nobody to be a closely fought general election, both Labour leader Ed Miliband and his Lib Dem rival, Nick Clegg have stated how excited they are at the prospect of a further 100 days remaining in charge of their respective parties. Continue reading
England 1937 and today
George Osborne has sent his autumn statement spending plans to the possibly ironically named Office for Budget Responsibility setting the course for the smallest public service spending since the 1930s. Continue reading
How large is the deficit? Errm … at least this big.
Ed Miliband says that giving you and your business more money, whilst simultaneously taking taxes from someone else, will balance the nation’s books during the lifetime of a parliament.
“The next Labour government’s cuts will be kinder, more user-friendly you might say, than those of a Tory government.” said the Labour leader “And friends, that’s partly possible because we aren’t the Nasty Party. But mostly because of our deficit-reduction silver-bullet pledge. Our cuts will only affect … someone else! Should it be silver-bullet, wouldn’t cast-iron sound better?”
Harold resident and ‘Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!’ owner Pippa Delaney was delighted when she heard the news “I hate being taxed. And I love things like Harold’s NHS provision, Harold’s schools and our lovely Harold police, especially PC Flegg.”
“Now that Ed’s promised to ring-fence those important services” a clearly relieved Delaney explained “I’m happy with cuts to other wasteful services used by other people in other places, such as Dunstable. I’m definitely voting Labour now. Miliband is Labour isn’t he?Or is that the other Ed?”
Ms Delaney says she is sure Ed Miliband will wish to speak with her before finalising his election manifesto “I’ve already jotted down all the services I use but I’ve also done some of the other donkey work for him and drawn up a list of other people to tax.”
If the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement fools the voters, the next government will feature ‘a bunch of cuts’, warned the Institute for Fiscal Studies yesterday.
But what might such a large number of cuts look like in practice? The Evening Harold investigates.
David Cameron is to address the EU today to remind them that in Britain just because you are a top earner doesn’t mean you should contribute more.
The prime minister is making the speech in reaction to the EU’s insistence that owing to Britain’s economy earning more than forecast, it should have to pay the same percentage contribution on the higher amount in.
NHS England has announced it is to reinvent itself as a bank in order to secure the levels of government funding it needs to provide adequate healthcare and properly paid staff by means of a multibillion pound bailout.
The news comes on the back of strikes by nursing staff who have had their pay frozen, and as NHS England report it could have a funding shortfall of £2bn.
“We have made savings of nearly £20bn” it said in a statement, “but are currently unable to afford some treatment for illnesses such as cancer, heart disease or MPs’ memory loss.
Filed under Economy, Health
This man’s injuries weren’t considered budget-threatening.
People with just one serious injury should ‘stay away’ from hospital until they’ve acquired a minimum of three.
Such a move could save the NHS over £35 million a year and reduce the demand on vending machines in Accident and Emergency wards, according to accountants.
“Hospitals are busy places, and no-one ever died from a broken leg”, guessed Simone Evans of Dunstable hospital’s para-accounting department. “Whereas a broken leg, a collapsed lung and a burst spleen treated in one, efficient visit could allow us to make a profit.”
An audit of customers in one A&E department revealed a startling level of clumsiness. Such a predisposition makes further injuries inevitable, particularly if they black out.
“If you’ve shattered your pelvis, rather than running crying to us straight away, why not sit on it for a while?” asked Evans.
To be fair it is a jaunty looking bucket
London house prices continued their spiral into madness today when a bucket in Islington sold for £310,000. Described by Renfield estate agents as “a compact and funky urban living space” they urged potential buyers to “snap this bargain property up and live in style in an ultra-modern home with vibrant colour scheme and two handles.”
Within twenty four hours of being on the market the bucket had been viewed a dozen times and been subject to over thirty offers. The buyer, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that they were delighted with their new bucket and especially pleased with its duel-purpose nature which means they can take it to the Devon coast and use it as a second home. Continue reading
Property boasts ample parking and a regular outpouring of foul doings.
An estate agents in Harold has been widely criticised by consumer groups for advertising a demon’s anus as a ‘family home’.
Muggins and Traptear, Harold’s second least-hated property sales firm, described the foul outlet of a devil’s spawn as ‘deceptively roomy’. George Evans immediately asked for a viewing.
“I could barely afford the mortgage but I thought I’d seen through their ruse”, he explained. “The word ‘deceptive’ added a frisson of excitement. ‘Is that something successful people look for in a home?’ ‘Should I get in first?’ I was left wondering all the way home. But what I should have asked myself was ‘what is it really?'”
Drivers of diesel cars are to face an extra charge of up to £10 on top of the congestion charge in London to help compensate for the amount of smug they give off.
Environmental groups have welcome the plans saying the amount of smug given of by diesel car drivers when talking about their fuel efficiency is becoming a serious health risk to everyone.
A spokesperson for the Green Party said: “Smug levels in the South East and especially London have always been high, with ‘banker bonus season’ creating a smug cloud so bad it is hard to see the top of Canary Wharf.
Makes as much sense as the property price bubble
The news that the economy is back to pre-financial crash levels has been revealed not as a triumph of economic policy but simply because of the loom band epidemic. Continue reading
The Chancellor enjoying a good laugh
George Osborne’s attendance at the first of the Monty Python live shows has had an unforeseen consequence.
“I didn’t find the show funny at all,” the Chancellor said. “I don’t like men dressing up as women and talking in stupid voices. I like funny ladies like Mrs Brown. However I did find the contents inspiring.” Continue reading
Very little help.
In an effort to win back market share from budget brand shops, Tesco are taking on Aldi by buying up a range of charity food banks.
With Sainsburys relaunching Netto, Tesco are keen to compete in the shame end of the market. “We’re talking abject humiliation here, not the mild embarrassment of our long-standing ‘Value’ range.”
“We thought of bringing back Happy Shopper, I certainly remember being bullied for having their crisps in my school lunch box”, said Tesco director Alan Soylent. “But our research shows that ‘food banks’ are currently dominating the downtrodden sector. Shame is very marketable at the moment.”
They’re laughing, why aren’t you?
David Cameron has vented his frustration over the majority of the country not feeling the benefits of economic recovery. In a Cabinet Office meeting whose transcripts were subsequently leaked to The Evening Harold the Prime Minister ranted against what he perceives as “profound ingratitude from the masses.” Continue reading
What’s for dinner?
A new breed of genetically modified chickens has been hailed a success by its developer, Harold farmer Lionel Garage.
“The new chicken type is featherless from birth,” Mr Garage told the Evening Harold, “pre-basted and also comes with the all-important leg elastic as a built-in feature.”
Farmer Garage claims the new design will result in increased profitability for chicken producers, saving them much of the cost of traditional posthumous poultry processing.
“Standard-type chickens require labour-intensive after-death attention,” he said, “and I’m frankly sick off forking out so much plucking cash. And you wouldn’t believe how long it takes to get that elastic band round its back legs.”
The competition commission has warned Tesco to stop selling it’s suppliers’ souls for less than cost price.
The warning comes as more and more small and local suppliers who have spent hundreds of years selling their wares to local independent shops sell their souls to the supermarket giant.
One local brewery explained: “We used to sell good quality beer to retailers that knew what they were on about. We put our heart and soul into it.”
“But when the big boys come looking to buy a few more bottles but without the heart bit and even the beer part being optional, who can resist.”
A cold block of stone with an empty tomb for a heart
Jobseekers face losing their benefits for three months if they refuse to take roles as pyramid-building slaves, a letter from a Conservative minister has revealed.
For the first time, benefit claimants are at risk of penalties if they do not apply for and accept zero-hours contracts moving giant blocks of stone on crude wooden rollers under the harsh Egyptian sun, according to the new universal credit system.
Last week, the Office of National Statistics revealed that the number of contracts which do not guarantee minimum hours but do guarantee you having your back ripped open by whips while slowly dying of dehydration has reached 1.4 million. Continue reading
Filed under Economy, Pagans