Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve a housing estate to build, single-handed
As the world’s economy teeters on the brink of another crash, the Chancellor has identified that the blame lies with Jeremy Corbyn. “It’s his fault. Oh, and Liam Byrne, do you remember – ‘I’m afraid there’s no money’?, that’s him.”
Mr Osborne is angry that his successful long-term economic plan is being put at risk, by the Labour leader’s reckless meddling with the world’s economic levers. Continue reading
Man cannot live by rental income alone.
The charities behind food banks are planning to branch out, to help landlords targeted by the chancellor.
Some landlords are down to their last nine or ten houses, and the latest tax increase could hamper their Christmas cruises or trips into space.
“While we do hand out beans and things to people who, on the face of it, are quite poor”, explained Pippa Delaney, “it’s come to our attention that the people who own their homes are also struggling.”
The proud new building should stand for at least another 10 years and 1 month.
David Cameron has saved £7bn on the cost of restoring the Houses of Parliament, by granting the contract to China.
For the mere informality of signing over the freehold, politicians will have somewhere to sit for the next 99 years.
“This is excellent news for the UK tax payer”, said Cameron. “They’re even throwing in a big ‘tribute’ iWatch to replace Big Ben.”
89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer has promised to bring tried-and-tested private sector pension-fiddling to the public sector.
Mr Osborne’s Conservative conference speech today was peppered with trademark off-the-cuff humorous quips and interrupted by literally seconds of applause, from up to a dozen of his audience at a time.
“I’ve found new ways to fund the British infrastructure.” he told a spellbound audience. “We’ve 89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred. Continue reading
Corbyn holds up an invisible dachshund.
Pundits have noted that Jeremy Corbyn failed to rule out a punitive dog tax during his keynote conference speech.
A dog tax, which would unfairly hit owners of dogs, is likely to be very unpopular amongst the dog owning community.
Throughout his time as prime minister, David Cameron has never once raised the prospect of punishing those with canine assets, although it wasn’t specifically ruled out in the Tory manifesto.
Near-spherical insect repellers.
A global decline in the demand for mothballs has caused a local factory to be closed, but left in a state which would enable it to be reopened if future circumstances allow.
The job losses will only add to the village’s employment woes. Last month, three scrapheap workers were made redundant, and put on a list of people who would definitely never work again in the recycling industry.
“I feel as though I’ve been discarded, figuratively speaking”, said Linda Bleak. “You could say my future earning potential has been severely reduced.”
George and Dave listen to Labour’s response
The first Tory budget since 1996 aims for rich people to keep more of the cash they’ve got from poor people. “We’ve a lot of years to make up but it’s much much more than just revenge.” insists George Osborne.
“It’s also about stopping the poor getting any of the cash that belongs to us. Continue reading
Who would put a pony on Greece?
In a last desperate throw of the dice, Greece has left a small, timber-clad pony on the steps of Brussels.
Always ones to look a gift-horse in the mouth, creditors refused to drag it inside and instead bet heavily on it to win at the ten to midnight handicap at Chepstow.
“We weren’t expecting that”, admitted Greek PM Alexis Tsipras.”We’d rather banked on them popping it into the vault.”
Filed under Economy, Europe
I want to be an engine driver. Woo woo!
With only 100 days until what is expected by nobody to be a closely fought general election, both Labour leader Ed Miliband and his Lib Dem rival, Nick Clegg have stated how excited they are at the prospect of a further 100 days remaining in charge of their respective parties. Continue reading
England 1937 and today
George Osborne has sent his autumn statement spending plans to the possibly ironically named Office for Budget Responsibility setting the course for the smallest public service spending since the 1930s. Continue reading
How large is the deficit? Errm … at least this big.
Ed Miliband says that giving you and your business more money, whilst simultaneously taking taxes from someone else, will balance the nation’s books during the lifetime of a parliament.
“The next Labour government’s cuts will be kinder, more user-friendly you might say, than those of a Tory government.” said the Labour leader “And friends, that’s partly possible because we aren’t the Nasty Party. But mostly because of our deficit-reduction silver-bullet pledge. Our cuts will only affect … someone else! Should it be silver-bullet, wouldn’t cast-iron sound better?”
Harold resident and ‘Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!’ owner Pippa Delaney was delighted when she heard the news “I hate being taxed. And I love things like Harold’s NHS provision, Harold’s schools and our lovely Harold police, especially PC Flegg.”
“Now that Ed’s promised to ring-fence those important services” a clearly relieved Delaney explained “I’m happy with cuts to other wasteful services used by other people in other places, such as Dunstable. I’m definitely voting Labour now. Miliband is Labour isn’t he?Or is that the other Ed?”
Ms Delaney says she is sure Ed Miliband will wish to speak with her before finalising his election manifesto “I’ve already jotted down all the services I use but I’ve also done some of the other donkey work for him and drawn up a list of other people to tax.”
If the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement fools the voters, the next government will feature ‘a bunch of cuts’, warned the Institute for Fiscal Studies yesterday.
But what might such a large number of cuts look like in practice? The Evening Harold investigates.
David Cameron is to address the EU today to remind them that in Britain just because you are a top earner doesn’t mean you should contribute more.
The prime minister is making the speech in reaction to the EU’s insistence that owing to Britain’s economy earning more than forecast, it should have to pay the same percentage contribution on the higher amount in.
NHS England has announced it is to reinvent itself as a bank in order to secure the levels of government funding it needs to provide adequate healthcare and properly paid staff by means of a multibillion pound bailout.
The news comes on the back of strikes by nursing staff who have had their pay frozen, and as NHS England report it could have a funding shortfall of £2bn.
“We have made savings of nearly £20bn” it said in a statement, “but are currently unable to afford some treatment for illnesses such as cancer, heart disease or MPs’ memory loss.
Filed under Economy, Health
This man’s injuries weren’t considered budget-threatening.
People with just one serious injury should ‘stay away’ from hospital until they’ve acquired a minimum of three.
Such a move could save the NHS over £35 million a year and reduce the demand on vending machines in Accident and Emergency wards, according to accountants.
“Hospitals are busy places, and no-one ever died from a broken leg”, guessed Simone Evans of Dunstable hospital’s para-accounting department. “Whereas a broken leg, a collapsed lung and a burst spleen treated in one, efficient visit could allow us to make a profit.”
An audit of customers in one A&E department revealed a startling level of clumsiness. Such a predisposition makes further injuries inevitable, particularly if they black out.
“If you’ve shattered your pelvis, rather than running crying to us straight away, why not sit on it for a while?” asked Evans.
To be fair it is a jaunty looking bucket
London house prices continued their spiral into madness today when a bucket in Islington sold for £310,000. Described by Renfield estate agents as “a compact and funky urban living space” they urged potential buyers to “snap this bargain property up and live in style in an ultra-modern home with vibrant colour scheme and two handles.”
Within twenty four hours of being on the market the bucket had been viewed a dozen times and been subject to over thirty offers. The buyer, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that they were delighted with their new bucket and especially pleased with its duel-purpose nature which means they can take it to the Devon coast and use it as a second home. Continue reading
Property boasts ample parking and a regular outpouring of foul doings.
An estate agents in Harold has been widely criticised by consumer groups for advertising a demon’s anus as a ‘family home’.
Muggins and Traptear, Harold’s second least-hated property sales firm, described the foul outlet of a devil’s spawn as ‘deceptively roomy’. George Evans immediately asked for a viewing.
“I could barely afford the mortgage but I thought I’d seen through their ruse”, he explained. “The word ‘deceptive’ added a frisson of excitement. ‘Is that something successful people look for in a home?’ ‘Should I get in first?’ I was left wondering all the way home. But what I should have asked myself was ‘what is it really?'”
Drivers of diesel cars are to face an extra charge of up to £10 on top of the congestion charge in London to help compensate for the amount of smug they give off.
Environmental groups have welcome the plans saying the amount of smug given of by diesel car drivers when talking about their fuel efficiency is becoming a serious health risk to everyone.
A spokesperson for the Green Party said: “Smug levels in the South East and especially London have always been high, with ‘banker bonus season’ creating a smug cloud so bad it is hard to see the top of Canary Wharf.
Makes as much sense as the property price bubble
The news that the economy is back to pre-financial crash levels has been revealed not as a triumph of economic policy but simply because of the loom band epidemic. Continue reading