Category Archives: Dating
US politicians are urgently seeking assurances from Google that its new ‘smart underpants’ will respect personal privacy. The underpants, codenamed “Google Ass”, appear similar to traditional underwear, but contain a ‘heads-up’ display with camera and microphone, which sit snugly on the wearer’s right testicle (most users are believed to be male).
A letter signed by members of the Congressional privacy caucus has been sent to Google posing several questions about the data the gadget will collect from users, and concerns were also raised about the privacy implications of having a camera strapped permanently to one’s cock. The caucus has quizzed many tech companies in the past on what they do with the information they gather from users’ genitals, and famously reprimanded Sony for not making it clear to customers that the new “Buttman” music player included DRM which meant once inserted, it could only be removed in-store, causing much embarrassment to shoppers.
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After this morning’s shock revelation that Boris Johnson and his hair have separated, journalists from the Evening Harold can now announce the sensational news that the flyaway thatch has defected to UKIP.
UKIP leader Nigel Farage is seen here looking understandably delighted in front of an industrial hair dryer.
More news as we get it…
Following ex-Pope Benedict’s decision to move into the Vatican along with Pope Francis, there were fears among Papal advisors that the unprecedented situation might lead to some ecumenical friction between the two holy men.
In a surprise to everyone, however, the Pope and ex-Pope have revealed that far from being discomfited by the living arrangements, they have actually embraced the celibate buddies idea so much that they have started performing old comedy double-acts, and intend to build up to a big break with tradition by swapping this year’s Christmas blessing for a revival of Morecambe and Wise’s famous “Breakfast” routine to the tune of “The Stripper”.
Disgraced omni-dubious former Secretary of State for Defence Liam Fox has called for a return to days of Thatcherite values when more casual regulation meant people like him could stick their sweaty noses into the trough unopposed.
Fox, seen as a standard-bearer of the Tory right, will call for the party to fight the next general election on a radical platform of tax cuts, privatisation and deregulation from people like himself, who spunk public money on their old mates who live with them in rent-free orgiastic luxury.
“What this country needs to get back on its feet is a total absence of regulations preventing Ministers from giving Britain’s money to old male chums, when said chums have no government role whatsoever,” Fox explained. “Old being a relative term of course, for close buddies who are 17 years younger than oneself, and enjoy sharing a pig’s trotter stuffed with lark’s vomit. The very real risk that such behaviour could have almost landed one with a custodial sentence is acting as a brake on investment, and could significantly impact my retirement plans.”
Supporters of the deceased ex-Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher have proposed the erection in her honour of a mile-high memorial pyramid, visible from space, made from pure gold and shining with the light of a thousand suns.
“We’d originally planned a library,” explained former Conservative chairman Lord Tebbit, but that felt a bit rubbish and prone to closure, and one thing sort of led to another.”
The newly-formed “Cherish Freedom Trust” has announced that it wants the pyramid, which will be based in, and cover most of, central London, “to bring Margaret Thatcher’s legacy, values and achievements to life for the wider public, and to be a true heritage resource where schoolchildren, historians and millions of ant-like insignificant specs of humanity can come and pitifully kneel and ideally keep the structure well-cleaned with their tongues.”
Arguments are raging over the choice of design, with possible plans including a gargantuan handbag, a colossal glinting phallus, or a pyramid.
Suggestions that the mighty edifice could be paid for out of the huge tax cuts recently gifted to Britain’s elite were dismissed as “expensive” by corrupt tax-avoiding bastards this morning. Instead, the original Egyptian construction model is looking favourite, in which the revolutionary use of rollers meant that mighty blocks of stone could be moved by ordinary workers without undue cost. The entirety of Britain’s walking unemployed are to be given the mandatory opportunity to gain valuable work experience through unpaid ‘apprenticeships’ pulling ropes, while the stubborn disabled whom even ATOS are unable to make stand up are to provide valuable service as the rollers.
Concerns for the safety of the horses running in today’s Grand National have been heightened by a last-minute change to the course, namely the addition of the controversial new “Level Crossing” fence.
The fence, which animal rights campaigners are calling ‘a timebomb waiting to happen’, consists of the seemingly trivial obstacle of a pair of standard-gauge British railway track rails, complete with sleepers and light ballast. More contentious, however, is the fact that at random intervals a 240-ton Class 31 diesel locomotive express train will use said track to thunder across the racecourse without any warning, instantly killing anything in its path.
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In a move likely to raise eyebrows among their grass-roots socialist supporters, local football club Harold Thursday have made the surprising choice of Benito Mussolini as their new manager.
It was well-known that the team desperately needed a new “big name” coach, but the choice of the former fascist leader of Italy is a surprising one nonetheless, given his lack of recent English soccer experience and death in 1945.