A man who attempted to acquire a glass of red wine in the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been barred for a year, and given a verbal lashing by the landlord.
Mick Clarkson knew the rules when he entered the snug, but felt emboldened after reading an article on ‘creeping gentrification’.
“I’m on some tablets at the moment and the doctor said I mustn’t drink with them”, explained Clarkson. “But wine’s not really drinking, is it? It’s more or less runny jam.”
Paper clips to become standard issue to US cops
US cops who feel threatened by unarmed black men minding their own business will be taught to respond with chewing gum wrappers, a paperclip, and string rather than the more traditional ‘shooting in the back’ method, in courses featuring MacGyver star Richard Dean Anderson.
As well as showing US cops how to improvise with a Swiss army knife and everyday objects, not shooting blacks expert MacGyver will also explain sophisticated techniques such as ‘not overreacting’ and ‘turning the other check’.
Bugger. Bugger, bugger, bugger.
Hopes of an imminent release of Sir John Chilcot’s Gulf War enquiry were dashed today, after it emerged that Chilcot has been mistakenly examining the causes of the first Gulf War, not the second.
The first Gulf War ran from 1990-91, and started when Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait. John Major was the British Prime minister when the anti-Iraq coalition started its bombing campaign, and there has never been any suggestion that this was anything other than a perfectly legal response to an act of aggression, and certainly not the sort of bloodthirsty murder that certain other Prime Ministers might get you into.
The Queen of England and Elizabeth Windsor
The BBC has announced the first contestants for this year’s series of Strictly Come Dancing.
Among the notable celebrities are some big name attractions including Robert Mugabe, Josef Fritzl, The Blessed Virgin Mary, new Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor and Les Dennis along with some more controversial choices including Jeremy Vine, a woman off Eastenders and troubled tv chef, Ainsley Harriott. Continue reading
Thatcher about to enter a miner’s hole
An investigation into Margaret Thatcher allegedly abusing over 150,000 miners has stalled after Police failed to find any trace of a mining industry let alone any miners.
“Most of the abuse was alleged to have occurred up North but no matter how many holes in the ground we peered into, or broken communities we visited, no miners could be found” said a Scotland Yard spokesman.
“We now suspect Thatcher may have hid them on a very large yacht.”
Wayne still waiting to hear back from Mensa
The National Rifle Association say if it wasn’t for today’s US cinema shooter having a gun to shoot himself with, many more lives would have been at risk.
“Imagine if he went into that cinema armed with just a baseball bat, he would have found it almost impossible to bash himself to death” reasoned NRA spokesman Wayne Einstein.
“I’m banning people, starting with the NRA”
After the National Rifle Association responded to the latest mass shooting with the compelling argument ‘guns don’t kill people, people do’, President Obama has decided to ban people from the United States.
“It’s been far too easy for guns to obtain people in America” said Obama. “While we have tried to limit people through immigration policies, people nakedly get round this by simply breeding. With this unchecked proliferation of people, guns have no trouble finding a person to fire them. Shockingly, in isolated areas people even outnumber guns.”
Gladys Pymm, regular winner of the ‘Harold in Bloom award for most attractive roadside memorial’ has had her name struck from the trophy after being convicted at Dunstable Crown Court for serial murder.
73 year old Mrs Pymm was crowned winner for the 7th time in 2014 for her outstanding performance in looking after the 46 roadside shrines situated along a short stretch of the B1137 that runs outside her house. Continue reading
The horror! The horror!
Urban life has today taken on a new horror as the anti-slavery commissioner, Kevin Hyland, has warned of children being used in “Oliver Twist scenarios”.
“It was terrifying,” a recent victim told us. “I was innocently walking along the street, turned a corner, and suddenly there were all these dead-eyed stage school kids singing about ‘kerchiefs and considering yourself at home while clutching the brims of their top hats and having a choreographed knees up. I’ve never seen children do anything less spontaneous or so lacking in joy. The adults who make them do this are monsters.” Continue reading
Lest we forget.
Thomas Cook has at last expressed remorse over the death of two children, and the devastating effect it’s had on their profits.
Despite a £3 million payout from the hotel to try and bring them some closure, the travel agent is still trying to come to terms with a 20% drop in bookings.
“It seems incredible that in this day and age, a faulty boiler can cause such appalling sorrow”, said chief executive Peter Fankhauser.
“You’d think someone in a position of responsibility would have checked it, although I now realise that wasn’t the parents’ job. Particularly as we didn’t check they were CORGI registered.”
Filed under Business, Crime
‘Something about him didn’t add up’.
Forensic officers have removed sack-fulls of numbers from the house of a rogue trader with a foreign-sounding name.
Navinder Singh’s home contained maths-making equipment, capable of producing sums or a ‘dirty equation’.
Neighbours said Singh pretty much kept himself to himself.
“He was a quiet man, not the sort of chap you’d ever suspect of doing maths”, said one. “We did hear him tapping away at a keyboard occasionally, but assumed he was only using the letters.”
Detectives suggested he could have been radicalised by the Open University.
“I don’t trust that lot”, said PC Flegg, “what with their weird clothes and beards.”
Phil Rudd, the drummer for AC/DC, has been sentenced to three years in Whitesnake.
Rudd pleaded guilty to charges of threatening to kill a former employee, but denied possessing a copy of the single “Is this Love”.
“Clearly, that must have been planted by someone”, said Rudd. “And if I find out who it was, I’ll have them ki…ssed?”
Amnesty International has condemned the punishment, and called for it to be commuted to a fortnight in Def Leppard.
“Until now, Rudd hasn’t had a criminal record”, said his lawyer Bruce Grobellaar. “Although he admits the stuff they released in the ’90s came close.”
Life in Whitesnake is known to be incredibly harsh: some who have served it end up taking their own hearing.
“It’s the thought of solitary confinement that scares me the most”, admitted Rudd. “We never had that in AC/DC. Imagine being on my own for what…7 or 8 minutes? Just banging away, with not so much as a bass line. And all the while you’re thrashing away at the solo, there’s the threat that when it ends, David Coverdale will come back out.”
“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids with your video camera”
A video camera has snuck up behind a US police officer and filmed him while he was minding his own business pumping eight bullets into a fleeing black man.
The incident has caused shock among racist US officers, with some vowing they will give up shooting unarmed black men in protest.
“You just don’t feel safe anymore” said Officer X. “You turn around for just a few seconds to shoot a suspected black man only for some scumbag video camera to shoot you in the back.”
An ITV weather forecaster on ITV
BBC news update latest:
Fred Talbot, the former ITV weatherman, has been convicted of historic sex offences, committed when he was a teacher, some time before he worked for ITV as an ITV weatherman. For ITV. Not the BBC.
ITV has yet to comment on the conviction of predatory sex offender Fred something-or-other, who worked for ITV on the popular ITV morning show ‘This Morning’ aired daily on ITV at a time when young children might have been watching ITV unsupervised.
Hoping for another job working with offenders. Maybe with Sodexo
“I was reading Private Eye recently and discovered that my wife was a Director of Sodexo”, said Paul McDowell the chief inspector of probation.
“I was particularly shocked when I read that Sodexo had partnered with NACRO, a charity I used to run. And if you think that was a co-incidence, that same partnership then won a whole sheaf of probation contracts! What were the chances?”
A show trial could restore the public’s confidence in politicians.
The postponing of an irrelevant report about notorious murderer Tony Blair has delayed his hanging until May.
With the rope already ordered and a gibbet in Westminster booked for the bank holiday, the act of justice will take place shortly after the general election.
“The Chilcot Enquiry was set up to see just how guilty this psychotic warmonger is”, said a spokesman for the Home Office.
“But so far, the author hasn’t found the words. ‘Very’ doesn’t cut it all, and neither does ‘really, really properly’. Hopefully by April, he’ll have come up with something along the lines of ‘as f**k’.”
It’s expected that certain information will be redacted from the report, such as Tony Blair’s name, some key dates and all the facts. Continue reading
Edmonds claimed the bodies were there ‘by chance’.
Police have uncovered the bodies of ‘more than 50’ ungrateful gameshow contestants in the grounds of a castle belonging to Noel Edmonds.
Following a tip-off, officers began digging in the 120 hectare ‘garden of dreams’, and rapidly unearthed a number of makeshift coffins.
Daubed in red paint, their lids scratched with crude numbers, one theory is that the occupants shared a mutual lack of gratitude towards their one-time host.
“Officers are piecing the evidence together, but this is one of the worst game-show related massacres I’ve attended in nearly 3 months”, declared PC Flegg. “Who knows who we’ll find next? Let’s open that one…wait, I’ve changed my mind, I’ve got a good feeling about number 14.”
‘Till death do us part …
Afton Elaine Burton, the 26 year old who has just married ritualistic mass murderer Charles Manson, has filed for divorce just hours after learning that the brutal killer had unexpectedly passed a parole board hearing and the octogenarian texted her saying how much he was looking forward to consummating their marriage.
Burton, who runs a website protesting the innocence of America’s most notorious serial killer, has denied that the wedding had been an elaborate publicity stunt which had gone horribly wrong.
“The fact that my Charlie will soon be at liberty and no longer safely locked away is nothing to do with my decision to seek a divorce,” she said defiantly.
Concerns over bankers’ bonuses were quickly quashed this morning as all of the five banks reassured customers the people responsible for huge fines for interest rate rigging would still be generously rewarded.
The collective fine of £2bn saw the public concerned that the often bashed bankers may have to forgo multi-million pound bonuses, but as Ross McEwan, Chief Executive of publicly owned RBS explained they have been punished enough.
Filed under Business, Crime
“Trust me. I’m the Home Secretary, I know what I’m doing.”
Deaths from mood-altering-yet-legal substances remain stubbornly stuck down in double figures, according to a new Home Office report.
Home Secretary Theresa May wrote the foreword but denies some of its apparent support for decriminalising drugs, or indeed having read her own department’s report.
“It was a Home Office report on drugs,” carped Mrs May “why would I bother to read it? Continue reading