Peace on you.
With only 3 days of December gone, violent episodes in offices and shops across the village have begun to soar as Christmas CD repeat plays hit intolerable levels.
Emergency services have reported a jump in the number of stapler based injuries and Dunstable hospital is calling for more blood donors following a spate of viscious paper cuts. Continue reading
Barbaric and medieval.
It was once the nation’s least-favourite toilet paper, but Izal may soon be available again in selected outlets.
“Obviously, the name Izal is a bit soiled by association now,” said Harold businessman Woodrow Gunther, who has acquired the firm for £1, “so we needed a new brand name. We were thinking about that unique combination of sprouts and Quality Street and alcohol and dried fruit and sprouts and After Eights and alcohol you get at Christmas, and very quickly came up with the name Dash!.”
“The problem with Izal,” he explained, “is that it’s been smeared thanks to Obama using a sound-alike word to refer to Islamic State. So that was a bummer.” Continue reading
August not too early to start
Muslim refugees arriving in Europe have been criticised for failing to observe the traditional November Christmas celebrations, it has emerged.
Rather than seamlessly integrating into the welcoming community, Muslim families have been aggressively neglecting to put up Christmas trees and tinsel, according to furious locals.
“I’m as tolerant as the next man,” accurately ranted resident Simon Williams from the local English village of Harold. “But when I see them coming here, making themselves at home and not even spraying any of that fake snow stuff on their window panes, I just want to kill.”
“I took a yule log round to one of them yesterday, and although he seemed quite grateful, he had the nerve to ask me wasn’t Christmas in December? I ask you, the cheek.” Continue reading
Twats in brown
In the face of a perceived threat to their Christian way of life, many US states have taken the brave decision to completely abandon all the principles that made the Bible a good thing in the first place.
Most states were planning to take in refugees fleeing from the conflict in Syria, but the fact that the Paris terrorists are apparently the same colour has provoked entirely-understandable panic among the fearless Americans.
The practical effect is for the entire southern USA to cancel all that stuff about Good Samaritans, charity and basically all the “Christian” bits of the New Testament.
“You’re right dear; the turkey does look a bit dry.”
Balloon sales at John Lewis have gone through the roof, thanks to an advertising campaign to send unwanted old people to the moon.
With the moon now reachable using just helium and ribbons, nice middle-class families are hoping for a relatively relative-free Christmas.
“I was dreading another year of having to ignore rude comments about my cooking”, said Pippa Delaney. “But with nan approximately 385,000 kilometres away in a prograde elliptical orbit, we should be able to stand for the Queen’s speech in silence this year, without anyone calling her a slut.”
All set for winter.
A free winter safety check being offered by Harold’s Fire Service will focus on how to get the most out of christmas decorations.
“Last year saw a dramatic rise in automotive festivity awareness”, said fire officer Liam Hosier. “But sadly, some of them were a bit shit.”
Keen to avoid a repeat of 2014’s bobble-headed crap snowman tragedy, Hosier’s checks will focus on utilising a vehicle’s 12-volt sockets.
Using a small hammer and a bent rusty nail, the village fire crew will upgrade your car’s standard fuse box to cope with the extra power demands.
The Queen of England and Elizabeth Windsor
The BBC has announced the first contestants for this year’s series of Strictly Come Dancing.
Among the notable celebrities are some big name attractions including Robert Mugabe, Josef Fritzl, The Blessed Virgin Mary, new Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor and Les Dennis along with some more controversial choices including Jeremy Vine, a woman off Eastenders and troubled tv chef, Ainsley Harriott. Continue reading
Saudi cleric Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid has issued a ban on the building of snowmen in the north of the country following the appearance overnight of a 3 foot tall icy effigy of the Prophet Mohammed.
In a statement the cleric declared that to make statues in the form of any human was sinful, but to make one that looks a bit like how they imagine someone who lived 1400 odd years ago but of whom, not surprisingly, no pictures exist in a medium that doesn’t really lend itself to accurate depictions of facial features; particularly eye colour, skin tone and general beard scraggliness; was not only highly blasphemous, but also quite silly.
Photo for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to religious figures living or dead is purely coincidental.
Saudi riot police were despatched to the area where they set about smashing up, shooting and beheading all the offending snow demons and arresting groups of small children armed with an array of deadly bobble hats, scarves and woolly mittens.
Police eventually managed to restore order by arresting the ringleader, a jolly happy soul with a corn cob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal following a brief shootout at the offices of a French Santarist magazine.
Disaster relief experts have warned that the thousands of displaced famine victims in war-torn South Sudan ‘may not survive’ another night with no access to Sony’s PlayStation Network (PSN).
PSN is essential to access the extended capabilities of PlayStation games, such as online multiplayer modes and other network functions, but many people do not realise the main hardship facing video game fans in the stricken region.
“There are families who have lost everything to war and hunger,” explained Red Cross spokesman Barry Ping. “Basic essentials like Facebook and cable TV. For these people, keeping their children entertained while the relief effort is coordinated is proving very difficult.”
“Many of these families will have purchased a new PlayStation for Christmas, in the belief that it would keep everyone quiet for a bit. But tragically you can’t even start the thing up without network activation, which is impossible with PSN down. I’ve seen whole villages literally devastated.”
“This has spoiled our whole post-Christmas famine experience,” complained refugee and mother of four Talia Nafisa. “We were all set to fire up the new PS4 and play FIFA 15 until the food parcels arrived, and we can’t even log on. I think we should be compensated.” Continue reading
Overcooked turkey and rock-hard Christmas cake was still making its way through the nation’s alimentary canals when the first of many unwanted Christmas arguments was put for sale on eBay with a £1 reserve.
Many consider it not in the Christmas spirit to sell off Christmas arguments that family members have sometimes spent decades lovingly crafting, but eBay UK manager Mike Smith said it was simply a matter of supply and demand.
Victim said she would ‘probably keep the baby’.
The Lord God Almighty has been arrested by detectives investigating the historic impregnation of a virgin.
Following an anonymous tip-off, the supreme being was detained near a horse storage facility. He was in the company of three livestock managers and several foreign members of the aristocracy.
“A young man going by the name of ‘Jo’ informed us that his wife had become pregnant”, said PC Flegg. “Whilst at the same time insisting she was still immaculate.”
Mary claims that she was impregnated by the supreme being while visiting relatives a donkey ride away. “I was laying there, then he came unto me, and started moving in a mysterious way”, said the pregnancy victim. “Thinking about it now, I think he groomed me with an angel.”
‘An unforgettable experience’ warned a psychologist.
A ‘magical’ winter wonderland staged in Harold’s only abattoir has been closed by police after less than five minutes.
Families watched a bored elf draw on a woodbine as he fired a bolt into a pig’s brain. “That wasn’t very christmassy”, complained one parent. “Elves aren’t supposed to smoke.”
“The Santa looked jolly enough in his red clothes”, admitted PC Flegg, “if a little crazed. But the red came off on my skirt when I sat on his knee, along with a bit of kidney. And they hadn’t even wrapped the bag of chitterlings he gave me.”
Visitors had been promised there would be reindeer in attendance, but there was just three cows with table legs in their ears. And those managed to jam up the rotating knives.
Veteran John Horse samples the Royal lager collection.
Homeless charities have welcomed the news that the Duke of Cambridge is to provide shelter for servicemen and women who have fallen on hard times after serving their country in the armed forces.
Speaking yesterday in support of a newspaper appeal, Prince William, who himself served in the front line plucking stranded adventurers off the treacherous cliffs of Wales in his helicopter, Budgie, said:
“I am so concerned about the number of heroes who have struggled to adapt to civilian life and wound up sleeping rough in our cities, that for once instead of just lecturing you, I’m actually going to do something myself and open the doors of my vast London home at Christmas to these wretched people. I’m going to feed them, clothe them and offer them trained support to help them get their lives back on track.” Continue reading
The party season is in full swing, and even if you’re not a natural party animal our essential guide will help you find your inner beast.
Although the annual bash has moved away from the office itself, many party venues are offering traditional entertainment with photocopiers and the perennial favourite, the stationery cupboard thrown in along with the tepid turkey, chipolatas and randy DJ.
So here is our handy survival guide: Continue reading
Window 24 portrays the first coming, with a prostitute given by his father.
Russell Brand has revealed that every single window of his advent calendar has been blessed with his own presence.
“And that’s one Christmas presence no-one would turn their nose up at”, beamed Brand. “‘Cos I’m chirpy, aint I? And that’s right Christmassy.”
Brand, the brains behind the Russell Brand-brand advent calendar, told us how he came up with the idea.
“Well, it was either me, or someone traditionally Christmas, like the lord baby Jesus”, he said.
A Christmas dinner, yesterday.
On-trend families will present two turkeys for dinner this Christmas, according to experts at Britain’s turkey farms.
While one enormous, dry bird might have sufficed in the old days, stylish people are set to ‘gobble gobble’ this year.
“Imagine you’re sat amongst your loved ones, contentedly sweating off your traditional Christmas dinner”, said Harold farmer Dave Evans. “You’ve put away over 18 pounds of festive fowl between you.”
“Everyone is smiling and wheezing and undoing the top button on their big pants. Now picture their faces, when you whip out a second beige monster.”
The smell of Christmas
A Christmas attraction designed by Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has closed down after only ten minutes following a flood of complaints.
Visitors to The Magical World of Poo near the village of Harold said it was far from magical, with piles of excrement everywhere and Father Christmas handing out cheap shiny toilet paper “like they used to have at school”.
The few paying customers before the site’s hasty closure in a police raid said their children had been left in tears. One said it “ruined the magic of Christmas”.
“We were so excited about the World of Poo, the kids have been hopping up and down all week,” said an unhappy visitor.
“But we got here, and, well, not to put too fine a point on it, it was full of poo!” he complained. “I could have knocked that out in my back garden, if I wasn’t constipated.”
Scientists working at CERN say they have made a breakthrough that will have an affect on all our lives.
“We have finally developed a computer so powerful it can decide greeting card prices codes” the scientist leading the research explained.
“For many years looking for the price of a card in Clintons became a game of roulette with customers gambling on what number the till would land on when the cashier scanned it.
You are what you eat. This is Connor Harris.
Harold GP Dr Evans has warned that no cure may ever be found for a patient’s addiction to cold turkey.
Fifteen-year-old local lad Connor Harris was already obese due a junk-food obsession. But his life took a dramatic turn last Christmas when he started ‘experimenting’ with cold turkey late on Christmas Day. By Boxing Day, his addiction was cemented.
“There was certainly an element of social pressure that fateful evening,” said Dr Evans, “but it was mainly down to his personal desire to consume a savoury snack at precisely the moment his mum handed him a plate of cold turkey.”
“Personally, I’ve had enough turkey for one year after cooking the basted thing,” said Connor’s mum Ange Harris, “but, as Dr Evans has explained, it depends on whether the individual carries the cold turkey addiction gene.”