Category Archives: Children

Baby licked by Brian Blessed ‘developed super powers’

blessed

Very advanced for her age.

A baby that was delivered and subsequently licked by Brian Blessed now possesses powers associated with the super-human actor.

The baby girl was freed from her mother after Blessed gnawed through her umbilical cord. And just 6 months later, she was sporting a full beard.

“I remember sitting under a tree, when my pregnancy began”, said mother Charlotte Twaddle. “And then moments later, Blessed was chomping at the bits.”

After Blessed licked the baby clean of the associated unpleasantness, the child crawled almost immediately, before taking to the air.
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Filed under Children, Culture

Refugees to be shipped to UK in David Cameron’s forehead.

Dave Headroom

Room for one thousand more on top.

David Cameron’s forehead is to be sent to the Syrian border camps to collect the 20,000 additional refugees the UK government has agreed to let live.

Aid agencies had been struggling to find a vessel large enough and empty enough to transport the refugees, and have welcomed the use of Mr Cameron’s forehead while he’s not using it. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Children, Civil rights, Europe, Save The Children, Society, Travel, Uncategorized

Chimney sweep accused of cynically exploiting ‘Bring a Kid to Work’ day

Chimney SweepsA local Harold chimney sweep says it was purely a coincidence he was hosting a class of 9 year olds for ‘Bring a Kid to Work’ day on the same day he had a number of extremely narrow chimneys to clean.

“People can believe what they want, but the truth is I had completely forgotten I was due to clean the exceptionally narrow chimneys on the terraced row on Gluggle Street” said Little Scamps owner Ernie Evans. “After all, those Gluggle chimneys were last cleaned in 2012 when I hosted room 4 for the 100th anniversary of Charles Dickens’ death, so it’s not surprising it slipped my mind.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Children

Proud child tells class about gifted parent

dadA Harold schoolboy used his morning talk to tell his classmates that his dad was gifted, and quite possibly a genius.

Simon Atkins, 8, said he first realised his dad Alan was gifted when he got sacked from his job as an insurance assessor.

“It was clear to me that dad’s job wasn’t challenging enough for him and he was bored. As a high-functioning type he needed extra mental stimulation which is obviously why he chose to defraud the company he worked for and then burn down the premises to cover his tracks.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Children

“Save The Children” severs links with “Bomb The Children”

Drop the Blair

Tony Blair helping some children, yesterday.

A children’s charity that presented Tony Blair with a Legacy Award has blamed the mistake on associations with a group advocating childhood bombing.

“Save The Children” is traditionally linked with preserving and improving the lives of children, a move clearly at odds with the achievements of the former Prime Minister.

“Sadly, we have somehow become entangled with the organisation “Bomb The Children”, admitted spokesman Eric Blunkett. “A charity that works tirelessly to drop heavy ordnance on towns and villages where young people live.”

“We’re not sure how this mistake happened, but on reflection we’ve agreed that bombing children is a mistake. Our latest research suggests it’s almost entirely detrimental.”
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Filed under Children, Politics, War