Category Archives: Around Harold

Lab analysis of local kebab shop chili sauce finds ‘zero semen’ shock

Mystery solved

Mystery solved

Scientists at Dunstable Metropolitan University were stunned by results of a DNA analysis of the chili sauce at local Harold kebab shop I Shish You Not!, when data showed that no human semen was present, a new report revealed today.

“We had always assumed that the employees were rubbing themselves off like a troop of monkeys back there,” commented Dr Pauline Copland, lead food scientist at Dunstable Met where the study was performed.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold, Business, DNA, Food, Health, News, science, spam

Employee spends entire working year completing last year’s performance appraisal

appraisalAn instruction to ‘write a few lines or a novel, but not War and Peace’ has backfired on a local council after an employee spent her entire working year completing her performance appraisal for the year ending 31 December 2016.

Previously criticised for not providing enough evidence in her 2015 appraisal, Harold Council Health and Safety Officer Joan Willis said she wasn’t going to make that mistake again so she ‘literally ticked all the boxes, and then some’ to produce a PA that left no doubt whatsoever that she met all the criteria for a 1% pay rise.
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Filed under Around Harold, Employment

Woman amazed when her meme brings about world peace

roflbot

Inspiration memes: inspiring

A local woman has spoken of her shock as the inspiration meme she posted on Facebook has been shared hundreds of millions of times and brought an end to all conflict and suffering.

“The news was seriously depressing me,” Julie Kettle told us. “I wanted to stand up and be counted and really make a difference. What better way is there to do that then stay in your PJs posting memes on social media?” Continue reading

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Man doesn’t visit Garden or DIY Centre at Bank Holiday

DIY_superstore

At every visit, something  inside you dies

A man from the quiet English village of Harold has stumped ‘Quest TV’ viewers and lifestyle experts alike by not buying plants or pozidriv screws this weekend.

Family man Gary Thorne, 43, a driver with Harold Bus Company, lives an otherwise unremarkable life as a devoted husband and a keen voyeur, swinger, and dogger. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, News

Artisan Misspelling Boutique “Holm of Homophones” opens in Harold

Holm of homophonesLocal entrepreneur and hipster converts Oofy and Lysander Eastof  have launched a new business venture, aimed at villagers in Harold who feel the need to break away from the “oppressive rules” of the English language.

“Holm of Homophones” is a one stop boutique for homophones, which can be liberally sprinkled through conversation without anyone but the user knowing.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold

Guitar George dies of old age

Coming up for auction - old, left-handed guitar. Proceeds to hospice funds.

Coming up for auction – old, left-handed guitar. Proceeds to hospice funds.

As if the deaths of Bowie, Prince and Frank Sinatra Jnr weren’t enough, now Sultans of Swing rhythm guitarist George has checked out.  He was 100 years old and had a reputation for his comprehensive knowledge of guitar chords, or tabs as they are known today.

Shortly before he died, he asked that he be given a quiet funeral.  “I do not want to make anybody cry or sing,” he said; “it’s strictly rhythm, so if you must clap, please do so in 6/8 time with occasional syncopated emphasis on the offbeat.”

The care home staff were consoled that that he died doing what he loved, with his heart-rate monitor displaying a steady beat right up to the moment of death. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Entertainment, Showbusiness

Fumes of Mordor not technically ‘weather’

legolas

Sod the red sky at night bollocks, what about his gorgeous hair?

Harold’s new weatherman, Nicholas Legolas, has been fired after viewers complained about his “overly dramatic” style.

The handsome blonde, thought to have been employed for his good looks and piercing eyes, often adopted a portentous tone when delivering reports on Harold’s latest meteorological activities.

“He is a lovely looking lad” said Doris Kettle, “with hair like a Pantene advert, mine were never that shiny, not even when I were young. But I don’t need to know about the fumes of Mordor of a morning, I just want to know if I can put me delicates on the line to dry.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment, News, Weather

Shoplifting ban should be suspended, rules court of appeal, as ‘everyone knows how to get past security bloke’

Now nick & collect, rule judges

Now nick & collect, rule judges

A court order banning the theft of goods from Tesco Express in Harold has been lifted. Court of Appeal judges accepted local thief Mark Kettle’s bid to lift the ban, and said the overt pilfering of items from the shop could start, pending a possible appeal from the manager.

The judges said the practice of nicking jars of coffee and packets of Haribo from Tesco Express had now been widely established and it was no longer in the public interest to maintain the ban.

They gave the shop time to apply to take the case to Dunstable Supreme Court. In the ruling, they said there must be no theft leading to getting caught before 13:00 BST on Wednesday. The shop has until 10:00 BST today to submit arguments to the Supreme Court.
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by | April 19, 2016 · 9:17 am

We have enough jars of Dolmio now, thank you, say food banks

Before you dump, think it through.

Before you dump, think it through.

Food banks up and down the country now have enough jars of Dolmio pasta sauce to sink an Italian battleship, thanks to the caring generosity of well-meaning do-gooders.

“As soon as I found out just how much sugar and salt they add to the pink sludge, I emptied my cupboards and started pouring the stuff down the sink,” said housewife Daphne Newton.

“Then my teenage daughter pointed out that the amount of precious clean water and costly sink cleaner I was using far outweighed the benefits of recycling the empty jars and demanded I deliver the remaining two dozen jars to the food bank instead.”

“Well, I couldn’t believe my ears when the woman at the food bank said they already had enough of that particular item, thank you.”

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Filed under Around Harold, charity, Food, Health, Lifestyle, News, Shopping, spam

Local Council launches ‘looking at flowers in the park’ charge

daffodilsbandw

All the yellow has been used up by irresponsible lookers

Following in the footsteps of Stoke Gifford Council, which charges runners using parks they’ve already paid for, Harold council has taken the unprecedented step of introducing a charge for looking at their park’s flowers.

“It’s a scientific fact that looking at daffodils uses up some of their yellow.” explained Councillor Ron Ronsson “By the weekend it’s often been used up Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Health, News, Sport

Late Tax Return fine elevates Corbyn to Total Hero status

Hero.

Just an ordinary taxpayer.

Millions of people were celebrating last night after hearing the news that Jeremy Corbyn was fined £100 for a late Tax Return.

“Unlike Cameron, Corbyn only had one box to fill in,” said a tax expert, “but he despises all aspects of capitalism and fascist tax collectors in particular and basically couldn’t give a monkey’s nuts about their deadlines.  The man is Legend.”

“He had from early April until the end of the following January to submit his Tax Return,” explained local accountant Geoffrey King. “It’s a remarkable level of procrastination, normally only achievable by ordinary, hard-working people.  No wonder his popularity is on the increase.”

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Facebook, Labour, News, Politics, Social media

Local bank ‘was just a front for a launderette’

Bank, became a launderette, now a pound shop.

Bank, then a launderette, now a poundshop.

From the outside, it looked like any other High Street Bank. But behind the heavy wooden doors, a laundering operation was providing services for working people with no washing machines of their own.

Documents obtained by the Evening Harold from the local Planning Committee reveal conclusively that a ‘change of use’ application was approved in 1959, subject to the building retaining its original facade.

“I’m not surprised at all,” said Doris Kettle who remembers well the massive ‘just one more sixpence’ launderette drying machine swindle of the 1960s.

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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Lifestyle, News, Nostalgia, Travel, Weather

Gordon Brown ‘siphoned off millions into tax haven,’ say Tories

browningarden

“Incredibly, he even boasted about it,” says George Osborne

Media attention was diverted away from the Mossack Fonseca revelations today, following a leak of information from the UK Treasury Office which appears to implicate a former Labour Chancellor in what George Osborne described as the ‘biggest financial scam ever’.

“Gordon Brown siphoned off millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money into a secret tax haven known only by its codename,” said a communiqué issued by the Treasury. “They called it The Public Purse.”

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Crime, Economy, Labour, Media, Politics, Tony Blair

Hard Water Cup retained by Yorkshire in wet final

The Hard Water Cup.

The Hard Water Cup.

FINAL SCORE: Yorkshire 6-1 Devon & Cornwall

Yorkshire Water proved once again how hard it is, with an expected win over soft West Country underdogs in the Hard Water final in the River Calder in Yorkshire in heavy rain.

The West Countrymen had fluked a place in the final with a surprise win over Harold Waterworks last Saturday on the River Gluggle. But the visitors put in a soggy performance in Calderdale as the final ebbed and flowed during the first 20 minutes with neither side able to breach the opponent’s defences.

“We was all wet and wishy-washy,” admitted Barry Babbacombe, the flushed WC manager as they went in at half time 2-0 down. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Defence, environment, floods, Sport

“Studying chromosomes is in my DNA” claims 3rd-generation geneticist

DNA animation by brian0918™ via Wikimedia Commons

Twists and turns

Local amateur chromosome-enthusiast Brian Aubrey, whose father and grandfather both took a keen interest in genetics, has concluded that the driving force behind their common pastime must be in his DNA.

His hypothesis was published in this month’s edition of Naturist World.

“For editorial reasons, they changed the title to ‘DNA: The Bare Facts’ and preferred to illustrate the article with a photo of some rather healthy-looking women playing volley ball on a beach in Spain, which they said was more interesting than my diagram showing the distribution of chromosomes in a double helix.”

“The problem is finding an outlet for your research. It’s a highly competitive business and sometimes it’s necessary to resort to click-bait tactics to get your message out there.”

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Filed under Around Harold, DNA, Families, Father's Day, Lifestyle, science, Troubled Families

Man killed by 100-ft cheese badger was ‘living the dream’

cheesebadger

Living the dream…

Albert Renfew, who died last night after being chased and eaten to death by an enormous badger made of cheese, was ‘living the dream’, friends have confirmed.

Renfrew, who possessed the unusual ability of having his dreams manifest as physical objects, was killed by the grotesque cheesy mammal in front of screaming shoppers in the High Street of the English village of Harold.

Sadly, Renfrew had long been plagued with bizarre, violent dreams involving dairy-mutated animal aggression.

“We were always telling Albert that it’s so important to make your dreams come true,” explained one friend today, “But we had no idea his dreams were so horrible.”

Authorities have pointed out that living the dream is still perfectly safe for most people, and have reassured the public that anyone who does not typically dream about huge slavering cheddar animals should be perfectly safe.

“For most of us,” explained an expert, “Dreams are associated with fame, vast wealth and the lumpy bits on the front of women. I know mine are.”

“Giant violent cheese badgers, on the other hand, are the sort of dream which should be lived under no circumstances.”

“We would advise anyone experiencing these sort of dreams to tread Caerphilly.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Health

“Most haunted house in Harold”for sale after woman left traumatised by beast “with terrible tusks, claws and teeth….”

gruffalo

He’ll huff and he’ll puff … oh, hold on, that’s the other one

Harold resident Carol Mutter has put her home on the market just 6 weeks after moving in, following sightings of a “ghostly monster” in her son’s nursery.

The property, which sadly for Carol has no mysterious past, was a new build when Carol bought it. Thinking she had found the perfect home for herself and her 9 month old son, Jeremy, Carol soon became aware of a supernatural presence.

“At first I thought I was just imagining things” said Carol. “Sometimes I would be woken in the early hours of the morning by a crying noise. Other times I would leave Jeremy with his dinner, only to find it had been flung about the room when my back was turned. This one time, he even ended up with spaghetti all over his head, that really freaked me out.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Children, News

“Vicars should grow beards to reach out to hipsters”

beardybishop

Bishop Richard about to body-slam an invisible, clean-shaven priest

Clergy in Harold have been advised to grow beards to emphasise their commitment to hipsters, the Bishop of London has suggested.

Rt Reverend Richard Chartres said that Harold risks falling behind areas like Shoreditch, where bushy beards, lumberjack cassocks and artisanal breads at communion have helped Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Religion

Raft of exciting new features promised for Laws of Physics II

Happy New Year

Happy New Year

The long-awaited sequel to The Laws of Physics may be just around the corner – or, more accurately, the bend – say excited scientists at the Large Hadron Collider.

Following a massive upgrade of the CERN facility in 2015, Prof. Brian Cox has been speaking to Harold sustainable energy enthusiast Dr John Goody about the next generation of physics and the role of minuscule particles.

“There was a time when the Higgs was the smallest thing imaginable,” Prof. Cox told him, “but after a few more collisions, it turns out to be a relative galaxy compared with the teeny-weeny fragments we’ve now smashed it into. You know, some of these particles are almost as small as the level of funding British scientists get from the government.”

“The thing with these bits is that they’re so very tiny, they slip through the enforcement net of Standard Model Laws. But fortunately they are not the anarchists we originally thought but operate instead according to their own set of rather bizarre rules.”

Once classified as Mischievous Little Rogue Particles with a Rebellious Nature, it is now thought that they operate according to the Law of Utter Unpredictability, the so-called ‘British Weather Law’.

There is however a ‘dark’ side to the new physics.

“Some of these particles are pretty fundamental,” said Cox, “and we all know that any sort of fundamentalism can be a dangerous thing. Only last week we caught a bunch of naughty little quarks trying to set up an Independent State inside the vacuum left by a retreating photon. The more hawkish scientists were all for blasting them to smithereens, until someone pointed out that that was how they were created. In the end, we found that if we looked the other way and thought out about daisies and kittens, they simply ceased to exist.”

Dr Goody asked Prof. Cox whether electric cars will ever get off the ground.

“No,” said Cox, “but we can expect to see innovative products which will help us in our everyday lives, like this new kettle, for instance, which boils as soon as you start watching it. Ah, tea?”

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Intergalactic News, Law and Order, science, Space

Youth ‘crack-walking’ craze leads to rise in bear attacks

cracksbearsLocal police today urged parents in the village of Harold to be “ever so careful” to keep their offspring from walking on cracks in the pavement, after an 80% increase in paving-related bear attacks.

“There seems to be a general lack of appreciation of the risks presented by the current crack-stepping craze’ warned Bear Prevention Officer James James Morrison-Morrison. ‘We can only urge greater vigilance by parents; young people are all too ready to experiment with crack-stepping, bringing with it tragic consequences. The sillies.”

On a day of stark warnings for Harold’s youth, the police also issued fresh evidence of the dangers of swallowing chewing gum, showing that ingesters face a 90% chance of the gum wrapping itself around the heart, causing instant death.

“We need a concerted campaign of health education’ said PC Anita Flegg ‘our young people are treating serious health dangers as mere playground myths: only last week we had to remove a full sized apple tree from the stomach of young man who had accidentally swallowed a pip.”

“What a tosser.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Children, Health