On a good day Jackson completes one in under 4 hours
New rules, that mean having to fill in a 10 page form every time they speak to someone, have delighted police.
“Ten pages is nothing, bring it on.” chuckled Dunstable police’s PC Jackson. “This is why I joined the Police. I always wanted to make a difference.”
“Yesterday, for instance, I spoke to a woman who asked the way to Whipsnade zoo and then spent a lovely few hours back at the station filling in the details.” she said. “I didn’t finish typing until six o’clock, by which time Whipsnade had shut Continue reading
“Watch out for that massive tub of beer, Michael!”
Michael Gove is said to be “serious but stable” in hospital, after being dusted with salt in a pub garden accident.
“A customer was adding salt to their chips, when the lid of the salt cellar suddenly came off and a cloud of salt flew across the table.” explained Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms in Harold.
“No one else was affected but with Mr Gove it was really weird. His body became really shiny, then he began to froth at the mouth Continue reading
If only McKean had the right light equipment
For some reason, an overweight man with plans to cycle his way to fitness is only able to do so on the lightest bike around.
“On an old steel-framed one, forty miles of a Sunday morning would take ages” wheezed William McKean, after his partner noticed he’d been googling ‘Titanium frames for under £1000?’ from the sofa.
Harold’s fattest man, McKean is best known locally as the star of the TV documentary Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog. Continue reading
A typical village stoner
Pinning hopes for Lib Dem election success on the decriminalisation of marijuana may be flawed logic says a village stoner.
“Most of the time we’re too stoned to remember to put things in our diaries,” said the smoker. “Anyway, politicians are power-crazed liars, who’ll tell you anything.”
The dope smoking community is also wary that someone is trying to pull a fast one on them.
“So, they want us to register to vote for this? So is that like your name and address and stuff? Yeah, thought so, and the next thing you know is someone’s knocking on your door init. Get lost.”
Nick Clegg meanwhile has been explaining more details of the marijuana policy. Continue reading
Michael Gove? They wouldn’t, would they?
Harold head teacher, Alison Lee hopes the general election date will mean the next minister running out of time to ruin her summer holidays by buggering about with education, “but we’ll probably mysteriously lose our phone and broadband connections at the end of June. Just in case”.
Lee thinks that about the same time, St Mary’s Primary School’s post might accidentally be mislaid behind a giant hornet nest in the loft at the Post Office Continue reading
Having a laugh on Red Nose Day.
Jeremy Corbyn says that while he initially felt a little disappointed with the clobbering Labour took in the Local Elections, he remains totally confident that the people will be right behind him when it comes to the ‘real thing’ on 8 June.
“It’s obvious now that quite a lot of people were having a bit of a laugh on Thursday,” he said. “There is, of course, such a thing as the rebellious ironic tactical vote. But when, just by chance, huge chunks of the electorate have the same fun idea at the same time, the result can be a highly misleading picture of the mood of the country. Fortunately, I can see straight through it.” Continue reading
That’s cleared that up then.
New online site WikiTribune, dedicated to reporting only factually correct news, has closed down only days after its launch, due to the lack of any properly verified reports.
“The only story we had,” said founder Jimmy Wales, “was about a member of our own staff who had to take the day off after her goldfish died. But she couldn’t say for certain the age of the fish as she had won it in a raffle last week.”
We caught up with Mrs [name withheld], who confessed she made up the goldfish excuse to get the day off. Continue reading
“I felt a bit of a prick, nurse.”
Bob Price, an 82 year old former boxer, delighted the many people waiting at Dunstable Royal Infirmary outpatients department for blood tests this morning with his relentless banter.
A stalwart of many a waiting room, Mr Price greeted each new arrival with a cheery “I’ve been waiting here since 8.30am you know”, following that up with “there only seem to be two nurses on at the moment”, “they all go home at noon” and “it didn’t used to take this long at the Walsgrave”. Continue reading
We get confused between GT, GTi, and GiT
Colleagues of Alec Fairchild no longer even look up when, unprompted, he raises vital issues such as his VW Golf’s 0-60 times.
“Did I tell you it’s the GT model?” he asks most days, whilst his co-workers stare fixedly at their computers.
Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold, likes to share the burden of his condition with people at work, who don’t have the option of suddenly remembering an urgent appointment Continue reading
“Don’t bother minuting this, love.”
A man clearly believes his colleagues really want to know his Chistmas plans, after a casual question yesterday led him to give ten minutes of PowerPoint guff about it in today’s staff meeting.
Harold Tesco Express manager, Paul Watts says “my guys” were fascinated that his in-laws will arrive late Christmas Eve and stay until Tuesday, although Continue reading
“…the ever-popular loss of inhibitions…”
Harold Council has warned shoppers to beware of fake Vodka, which can seriously damage health.
“This so-called ‘Vodka’ contains chemicals of some sort, which affect the decision-making frontal lobe of the brain,” said Councillor Ron Ronsson.
“Short-term effects include loss of inhibitions, dizziness, nausea, coma and even death. Also, it has a ‘metallic’ after-taste if you get stuck into a second bottle. So I’m told.” Continue reading
“Sorry you were out when we called. It’s in the back. Of beyond.”
The RAF will deliver all Harold’s on-line Black Friday orders in one big drop on Monday morning; from 10,000 feet.
Villagers too lazy to go to Dunstable but wanting authentic Black Friday fun will still get the experience by packing into the 5-a-side pitch like sardines, and having a shed-load of multi-coloured tat dropped on their heads.
“We’d hoped to get low level runs along the River Gluggle by the Battle of Britain Memorial flight.” Continue reading
The crowd makes their displeasure known
An advertised burning of a Catholic terrorist turned ugly when it dawned on the crowd it wasn’t Tony Blair being burnt.
An expectant crowd gathered at Harold Common on the night of 5 November after seeing signs around the village advertising ‘Catholic terrorist burning’, with people travelling from as far as Dunstable and Felching to ‘see the bastard off’.
A young couple from Harold are ecstatic to have purchased their first printer ink cartridge before they turned 30.
“It’s a dream come true to finally hold the HP 364 cartridge in our hands” beamed Nick Stalling. “We’ll be paying it off for 40 years of course, but we now have a printer ink cartridge we can call our own. I only wish gran and grandad were still alive. They had their own typewriter and ribbon so this would’ve meant a lot to them.”
Life would be better if we all wore these while about our daily business (maybe not lifeboat crew members)
Clive Morris, Head Teacher at Harold Shining Future Academy and Technology Haven (formerly Harold comprehensive) has been vilified by parents for not sending pupils home for breaching the uniform policy.
Following a flood of stories in popular news publications about teaching staff removing jewellery from pupils and judging their trousers to be too tight, a group of parents gathered outside school to wait for their children to be sent out. Continue reading
“It’s rubbish” say villagers
The improved recycling facility site in Harold, renovated at great expense to the taxpayer, has been condemned as “farcical”, “confusing” and “the product of a diseased mind”.
Renamed in honour of local refuse collecting hero Stanley Biggs, who once singlehandedly fly-tipped the whole village’s rubbish when the 1977 bin-man strike coincided with a heatwave, Biggs Plaza Continue reading
At least it distracts us all from the fact we’ve broken the planet
Harold is divided this evening as a small group of villagers have declared that they’re not massively absorbed by the ongoing row in France over women wearing burkinis.
“Of course it’s horrible that some women have been hassled and humiliated by the police,” said local mechanic Sean Pavey. “But I just don’t feel the need to tweet and post about it constantly. Doesn’t mean I’m not bothered just means I’m not that bothered. And I think that that should be okay.” Continue reading
Your child may be a Doctor in 25 years. Start talking to her in English
A small child has successfully developed language skills even though adults insist on talking to her in some form of Teletubbish.
In only a few weeks, nine-month old Ellie Reynolds from Harold has upped her game, from blowing bubbles simultaneously via nostrils and mouth, to forming coherent sentences with nouns, verbs, and those ‘ad…’ things you didn’t pay attention to at school. Continue reading
biscuit crumbs on the floor every morning were a clue
A ten-year old Harold boy, described by Police as being ‘unusually focused and competitive’, had been living in his toy cupboard for three years, after going missing on a particularly wet Bank Holiday weekend.
Giles Baker was found shortly after his parents moved home. The new occupants, disturbed by the disappearance of Müller Corners and Dairylea cheese slices from the fridge, considered calling in a priest but eventually left a trail of Snack Size Mars bars and trapped “an earnest looking boy” in the conservatory. Continue reading