Gavin Mitchell says he doesn’t regret his Brexit vote even though a river of shit is running from his bathroom to the living room.
“Actually I’m proud of this river of shit” said the Britain First member. “It’s a symbol of how patriots like me stood up to those Eastern Europeans who were taking the piss, and, as it happens, taking the shit.”
Mitchell said living in a rapidly growing torrent of excrement was a small price to pay for taking back control of Britain’s drains and sewers.
A frustrated Mo Farah says he doesn’t know what more he can do to secure the role of R2D2 in the Star Wars films after once again doing his trademark ‘Mobot’ celebration.
Farah says he truly hates running, but it’s a means to an end to get his dream robot role.
Morrissey caught in the act
Morrissey’s animal rights crusade may all be an act as allegations emerge he’s a chronic chicken strangler and monkey spanker.
Morrissey, who as lead singer in the Smiths sung the vegetarian anthem ‘Meat is Murder’, has publicly and noisily advocated for animal rights, but it seems behind closed doors the pop icon is not averse to abusing animals for his own selfish pleasure.
Holding the Olympics in a place other than London is causing transport chaos as people aren’t taking holidays to escape or working from home, according to London commuters.
“Bloody selfish” says Surbiton commuter Sean Nunean. “The government should’ve ensured London held the Olympics again so people like me can get a seat on the 8.27am to Waterloo.”
Don’t be fooled – she’s plotting to worm you
Cat’s spend most of their day sleeping because they’re dreaming of worming humans, according to Harold cat whisperer Mary Evans.
“Cat may appear to be lazy and sleeping their life away, but the cunning buggers are actually secretly plotting to worm their owners” explained Evans. “They resent having to hang round humans for a measly two portions of alleged meat a day, and what better way to exact revenge than through the utter humiliation of worming?”
Bono singing a few songs from the new album
‘A few songs from our new album’ has replaced ‘you’ll hardly feel a thing’ and ‘my mum’s coming to stay for a bit’ as the world’s most dreaded phrase.
The poll result was slightly surprising given the plethora of terror attacks and generally upsetting news, but it seems the horror of Bono, Eric Clapton, and co devoting a significant part of a concert to new material is undimmed.
Owen Smith lagging badly in the key ‘Owen Smith’ demographic
Jeremy Corbyn comes out as the preferred Labour leader even among people named ‘Owen Smith’, according to a new poll.
The Dunstable University poll showed Corbyn with a 20 point lead over Smith among Labour Party members generally, and a similar lead among Labour members whose last name is ‘Smith’. But it was a surprise to find out even the ‘Owen Smith’ demographic overwhelmingly supports Corbyn, according to Professor Brian Rodgers.
Bill Clinton has angrily denied phoning Melania Trump, instantly causing people to speculate he must have Skyped or Snapchatted her.
“I did not have phone relations with that woman” said Clinton. “I’ve never heard of ‘speed dial’, I don’t even know what a phone is, much less how she appeared on my ‘frequent contacts’ list.”
A few days after their ‘funneling money to their mates’ careers ended, David Cameron and George Osborne have resumed their ‘inheritor of money’ careers.
The pair were said to be exhausted after 6 years of coming up with ever more outlandish reasons why the poor had to bear the brunt of austerity, and pleased to now have the more relaxing job of rolling around in a pile of daddy’s money.
Is the real reason Labour rebels are trying to get rid of Jeremy Corbyn because they are really really really scared he will win the general election?
Are Blairites (or is that Blairongs?) worried that a Corbyn victory could lead to the end of banker and defence contractor junkets, and consign them to years in the wilderness where a Murdoch party invitation and an oil war are both pipe dreams?
A future SO terrible they’d have to pay for their own drinks?
With number of children now the key factor in choosing the Tory leader, unemployed father of 129 Dave Grobbelaar has applied to join the race.
Grobbelaar, who lives in Harold’s Shippam’s Estate, said he didn’t want to knock people who had less than 100 children, but he felt constantly fathering children gave him an unmmatched stake in the future of the country.
A local vegan is absolutely adamant she never even thinks about eating succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin, and she is sick of having to point this out multiple times a day.
Julie Kettle, a shopkeeper from Harold, says people are constantly saying ‘oh, you’re a vegan’ and it gets a bit boring having to reply ‘yes I am, and I don’t even think about succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin flavoured with smoked paprika and mustard’.
Mass shootings could soon to be thing of the past as the latest massacre sees the US population dwindle to 27.
Mass shooting are technically defined as four or more people, which means the popular pastime could be off-limits inside a week.
Britain faces another divisive referendum over the exact method of dispatching monger of wars Tony Blair.
Harold shop owner Julie Kettle says she regrets not being informed enough about the EU referendum, so she’s really done her homework this time.
‘The WMD was THIS big’
Foreign dictator consultant Tony Blair says Jeremy Corbyn lacks the basic skills to organise an oil war, and should resign as Labour leader immediately.
“Just a glance at the Chilcot report shows just how unsuited Corbyn is to lead the country into a Middle Eastern war” said foreign dictator consultant Blair.
“The report rightly praised me for taking the most flimsy intelligence in a dossier and misrepresenting it so well that people were convinced Saddam could make a nuclear bomb from sand. Can you imagine Corbyn doing that if he’d been PM? He’s so naive he’d have just told the British public there was no immediate threat which would make it very hard to have a decent war.”
Definitely better than Gove or Farage
Britains prefers Baldrick to handle Brexit negotiations, rather than any Tory or Labour politician, according to an overnight poll.
Given the options of May, Gove, Corbyn, Eagle, Farage, or Baldrick, respondents overwhelmingly chose Baldrick as ‘at least he has a f*cking plan, which is more than you can say for the rest of the slimy lizards’.
Details of Baldrick’s plan are sketchy, but it is believed to be ‘a plan so cunning, you could pin Michael Gove on it, and call it a weasel’.
‘An orderly queue please, no pushing’
A few months after Brexit, Britain First member Gavin Mitchell is still patiently waiting for the job and girlfriend that must surely come now the UK is an immigrant-free paradise.
“To be honest, I’m a bit baffled why I’m still unemployed now we’ve given the heave-ho to those foreigners who’ve stolen our jobs. But I guess it takes a bit of time to sack those foreign doctors, and I’ll get the call up to replace them as soon as the paperwork is completed” said Mr Mitchell.
‘Should be plenty’
News that the Zimbabwean dollar appreciated 1,483,000% against the pound has generated a flurry of inquiries at Harare travel agents.
“I’ve always wanted to visit Britain but having to save 4,945 years salary to afford the airfare and hotel put me off” said Henry Mallari. “But now I can pay for the holiday with loose change I found behind the couch.”
Having sexy time with a pig is now the second most embarrassing thing to happen to David Cameron, with leaving his child in the pub relegated to 3rd place.
“I’ve set the bar high, but this is really, really embarrassing” said Cameron. “And it will only get worse, do I really have to congratulate Boris and Nigel?”
An instruction to ‘write a few lines or a novel, but not War and Peace’ has backfired on a local council after an employee spent her entire working year completing her performance appraisal for the year ending 31 December 2016.
Previously criticised for not providing enough evidence in her 2015 appraisal, Harold Council Health and Safety Officer Joan Willis said she wasn’t going to make that mistake again so she ‘literally ticked all the boxes, and then some’ to produce a PA that left no doubt whatsoever that she met all the criteria for a 1% pay rise.