Author Archives: yikes28

Vinnie Jones advocates hard Brexit

vinniejonesVinnie Jones says Britain would be complete pussies to choose anything other than hard Brexit.

“It’s about self-respect” said Jones. “Soft Brexit sounds like something the French would do to appease the Germans.”
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Brexit

Octopuses ‘up in arms’ at Trump groping comparison

octopus3

Gerald, in a blue period, due to the comparisons

Male octopuses say they are very respectful to females, and being linked to Donald Trump’s groping is very unfair.

Gerald the octopus says he and his friends always ask first before touching females of the species, and even then its the most gentle of caresses, not a grope.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Octopuses ‘up in arms’ at Trump groping comparison

Filed under News, US Elections

Kim Kardashian terrorises armed robbers with minute details of her daily routine

kimArmed robbers who burst into Kim Kardashian’s Paris hotel room got more than they bargained for when the ubiquitous celebrity bombarded them with minute details of her daily routine.

With her bodyguard quickly overpowered and tied up, a brave Kardashian confronted the robbers in the only way she knows how – by oversharing every aspect of her personal life from plucking her eyebrows to oiling her bottom.
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Entertainment, News

Labour MPs achieve Guinness Book of Records recognition for ‘world’s worst political coup’

guinness-recordLabour MPs who attempted to topple Jeremy Corbyn achieved a victory of sorts after the Guinness Book of Records recognised them for conducting the world’s worst political coup.

Guinness World Records spokesman Jamie Clarke said the benchmark for disastrous coups was Operation Valkyrie where the plotters both failed to assassinate Adolf Hitler and got themselves all hung like cattle from piano wire. But the Corbyn coup was a worthy new record holder for its sheer sustained ineptitude and for it so spectacularly achieving the opposite result to that intended.
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Hypochondriac sets up Just Giving page – asks for £1,000,000,000 ‘to be on the safe side’

hypochondriacA local hypochondriac has set up a Just Giving page with an initial fundraising target of £1,000,000,000.

“I think I’ve got AIDS, and Dropsy. And Dengue Fever. Probably Zika too. Worst of all, I’ve got slightly dry skin on my upper arm that literally could be ANYTHING. I’m hoping a billion pounds will cover it” said Harold identity Sally Evans.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Hypochondriac sets up Just Giving page – asks for £1,000,000,000 ‘to be on the safe side’

Filed under Health

Jeremy Corbyn endorsed by both the Judean People’s Front and the People’s Front of Judea

People's Front of JudeaJeremy Corbyn has shown his unifying credentials after obtaining endorsements from both the Judean People’s Front and the People’s Front of Judea, after earlier being endorsed by the Campaign for a Free Galilee and the Judean Popular People’s Front.

The Judean People’s Front and the People’s Front of Judea haven’t seen eye to eye for over 2,000 years, but both groups agreed the Tories and Blairites are far greater threats than Pontius Pilate and the Romans ever were as they threw their combined weight behind Corbyn.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Jeremy Corbyn endorsed by both the Judean People’s Front and the People’s Front of Judea

Filed under Politics

Brexit voter literally up shit creek after failing to find Polish plumber

fat edl memberGavin Mitchell says he doesn’t regret his Brexit vote even though a river of shit is running from his bathroom to the living room.

“Actually I’m proud of this river of shit” said the Britain First member. “It’s a symbol of how patriots like me stood up to those Eastern Europeans who were taking the piss, and, as it happens, taking the shit.”

Mitchell said living in a rapidly growing torrent of excrement was a small price to pay for taking back control of Britain’s drains and sewers.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Brexit voter literally up shit creek after failing to find Polish plumber

Filed under Brexit

Mo Farah continues campaign to win R2D2 role

FarahA frustrated Mo Farah says he doesn’t know what more he can do to secure the role of R2D2 in the Star Wars films after once again doing his trademark ‘Mobot’ celebration.

Farah says he truly hates running, but it’s a means to an end to get his dream robot role.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Mo Farah continues campaign to win R2D2 role

Filed under Olympics

Hypocritical Morrissey repeatedly strangles chickens and spanks monkeys

Morrissey caught in the act

Morrissey caught in the act

Morrissey’s animal rights crusade may all be an act as allegations emerge he’s a chronic chicken strangler and monkey spanker.

Morrissey, who as lead singer in the Smiths sung the vegetarian anthem ‘Meat is Murder’, has publicly and noisily advocated for animal rights, but it seems behind closed doors the pop icon is not averse to abusing animals for his own selfish pleasure.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Hypocritical Morrissey repeatedly strangles chickens and spanks monkeys

Filed under music

Rio Olympics causing transport chaos, say London commuters

Surbiton trainHolding the Olympics in a place other than London is causing transport chaos as people aren’t taking holidays to escape or working from home, according to London commuters.

“Bloody selfish” says Surbiton commuter Sean Nunean. “The government should’ve ensured London held the Olympics again so people like me can get a seat on the 8.27am to Waterloo.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Rio Olympics causing transport chaos, say London commuters

Filed under Sport

Cats aren’t merely sleeping – they’re dreaming of worming humans

Don't be fooled - she's plotting to worm you

Don’t be fooled – she’s plotting to worm you

Cat’s spend most of their day sleeping because they’re dreaming of worming humans, according to Harold cat whisperer Mary Evans.

“Cat may appear to be lazy and sleeping their life away, but the cunning buggers are actually secretly plotting to worm their owners” explained Evans. “They resent having to hang round humans for a measly two portions of alleged meat a day, and what better way to exact revenge than through the utter humiliation of worming?”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Cats aren’t merely sleeping – they’re dreaming of worming humans

Filed under Pets

‘A few songs from our new album’ now world’s most dreaded phrase

Bono singing a few songs from the new album

Bono singing a few songs from the new album

‘A few songs from our new album’ has replaced ‘you’ll hardly feel a thing’ and ‘my mum’s coming to stay for a bit’ as the world’s most dreaded phrase.

The poll result was slightly surprising given the plethora of terror attacks and generally upsetting news, but it seems the horror of Bono, Eric Clapton, and co devoting a significant part of a concert to new material is undimmed.
Continue reading

Comments Off on ‘A few songs from our new album’ now world’s most dreaded phrase

Filed under music

Even a poll of all the Owen Smiths shows Jeremy Corbyn winning

Owen Smith lagging badly in the key 'Owen Smith' demographic

Owen Smith lagging badly in the key ‘Owen Smith’ demographic

Jeremy Corbyn comes out as the preferred Labour leader even among people named ‘Owen Smith’, according to a new poll.

The Dunstable University poll showed Corbyn with a 20 point lead over Smith among Labour Party members generally, and a similar lead among Labour members whose last name is ‘Smith’. But it was a surprise to find out even the ‘Owen Smith’ demographic overwhelmingly supports Corbyn, according to Professor Brian Rodgers.
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Bill Clinton denies phoning Melania Trump

bill and melaniaBill Clinton has angrily denied phoning Melania Trump, instantly causing people to speculate he must have Skyped or Snapchatted her.

“I did not have phone relations with that woman” said Clinton. “I’ve never heard of ‘speed dial’, I don’t even know what a phone is, much less how she appeared on my ‘frequent contacts’ list.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Bill Clinton denies phoning Melania Trump

Filed under Politics

Cameron and Osborne resume their ‘inheritor of money’ careers

cameron-osborneA few days after their ‘funneling money to their mates’ careers ended, David Cameron and George Osborne have resumed their ‘inheritor of money’ careers.

The pair were said to be exhausted after 6 years of coming up with ever more outlandish reasons why the poor had to bear the brunt of austerity, and pleased to now have the more relaxing job of rolling around in a pile of daddy’s money.
Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under Politics

Are Labour rebels terrified Jeremy Corbyn will WIN general election?

18895_Jeremy-Corbyn-eyes-victoryIs the real reason Labour rebels are trying to get rid of Jeremy Corbyn because they are really really really scared he will win the general election?

Are Blairites (or is that Blairongs?) worried that a Corbyn victory could lead to the end of banker and defence contractor junkets, and consign them to years in the wilderness where a Murdoch party invitation and an oil war are both pipe dreams?

A future SO terrible they’d have to pay for their own drinks?
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Unemployed father of 129 asks to join Tory leadership race

kyleWith number of children now the key factor in choosing the Tory leader, unemployed father of 129 Dave Grobbelaar has applied to join the race.

Grobbelaar, who lives in Harold’s Shippam’s Estate, said he didn’t want to knock people who had less than 100 children, but he felt constantly fathering children gave him an unmmatched stake in the future of the country.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Unemployed father of 129 asks to join Tory leadership race

Filed under Politics

Vegan repeatedly insists she never even thinks about eating succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin

julie kettleA local vegan is absolutely adamant she never even thinks about eating succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin, and she is sick of having to point this out multiple times a day.

Julie Kettle, a shopkeeper from Harold, says people are constantly saying ‘oh, you’re a vegan’ and it gets a bit boring having to reply ‘yes I am, and I don’t even think about succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin flavoured with smoked paprika and mustard’.
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Lifestyle

US running out of people to kill in shooting rampages

empty townMass shootings could soon to be thing of the past as the latest massacre sees the US population dwindle to 27.

Mass shooting are technically defined as four or more people, which means the popular pastime could be off-limits inside a week.
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under News

Blairexit: UK to hold referendum on whether to hang or shoot Tony Blair

Blair selfie Britain faces another divisive referendum over the exact method of dispatching monger of wars Tony Blair.

Harold shop owner Julie Kettle says she regrets not being informed enough about the EU referendum, so she’s really done her homework this time.
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under News, War