Look at the beak on that!
The news that Elizabeth Hurley has been named by readers of the Daily Telegraph as Britain’s favourite bird has been greeted with delight by the nation’s bird fanciers.
The much loved Hurley is a common sight in our gardens and is easily identified by her prominent orange breast, often referred to as ‘that plumage’ by aficionados. She is highly territorial and can often be spotted begging for worms near gardeners who are doing a bit of digging. Continue reading
Fangs for the memory …
The inconvenience of death will not interrupt the amazing career of Christopher Lee who, according to his agent, was signed up to star in a Zombie blockbuster movie only moments after the announcement of his undeath from supernatural causes.
“For many actors, stepping over to the other side is something of a setback to their career, but for Christopher, it will be business as usual,” said his agent Morticia De’ath. “The offers have been flooding in since news of his demise came through.” Continue reading
“So, our customs override their traditions, right?”
Eleanor Hawkins, the British backpacker accused of causing an earthquake by stripping off at the summit of a sacred mountain, has denied she or any of her fellow naked tourists engaged in any fracking activities.
Speaking from her cell in a Malaysian jail, the 26 year old, “I admit we took off our clothes for a group selfie, and I admit that we all urinated on the mountain. But wouldn’t anybody if they found that their leader had jokingly replaced the drinking water with champagne?” she asked defiantly. Continue reading
Despite the recent horrific accident in which several people were maimed, a local theme park has confirmed the ride involved would be open for business as usual this morning.
The proprietor of Harold Pleasure Park explained the ethos of the ride. “Everyone who takes a trip on a rollercoaster is seeking a thrill and taking a risk,” said Eddie Evans, “our Mortician Botherer ride offers all of that and more with our dodgy maintenance and lax attitude to health and safety procedures thrown in at no extra cost. You get a real sense of survival when you get off one of our rides.” Continue reading
The indestructible Blatter!
Engineers have produced an alloy that springs back into shape no matter how bent it appears.
Named Blatter after the indestructible president of FIFA, it is created by combining the resilient elements of Mugabe, Farage and various species of cockroach into an alloy which never seems to wear out, no matter what is thrown at it. Continue reading
Another nasty case of Gerrarditis
Dear Doctor Evans, I’m a BBC sports journalist and I can’t help mentioning the amazingly loyal Liverpool superstar footballer Steven Gerrard every time I open my mouth. Am I sick? Is there any cure? BBC Cliché (The Wirral)
Dear BBC Cliché, I’m afraid you are very sick, but your condition is curable.
You are suffering from a mass form of hysteria Continue reading
We Might As Well Be Strangers
Aides close to Ed Miliband have depicted him as a broken man desperately believing that his beloved Party will call him and reject his resignation as Leader following last week’s General Election.
“People don’t realise the sacrifices Ed has gone through for the cause,” said close confidant, Cath Drucker.
“The poor man is still combing nits out of his hair after that interview with Russell Brand, Continue reading
Please God, don’t let it be put out to stud.
Whenever I used to visit my local racecourse, my friend and I would devise sure fire ways of picking the winner of the next race.
Eventually, I settled upon putting my fiver on the horse being led by the best turned out stable lass. Meanwhile, my cannier mate studied the horses carefully and put his money on the horse which dropped its .. er .. droppings before the start or the race, the theory being that the horse would be less encumbered when it came to the serious matter of racing.
Now it’s highly unlikely that any of the candidates for the General Election will be dropping their load in public before the off, but with just one day to go, here is the Evening Harold guide to the main runners and riders.
Nick Clegg (Yellow): Unlikely to win, but sure to could influence final outcome. Will stud with anyone in exchange for 5 year tenure in comfy stable.
Nicola Sturgeon (Tartan): Feisty little filly showing good breakaway form in practice. Unable to run outside of Scotland but although she can’t win the race may have an influence on final placings. Several of the other runners are keen to stud with her. Continue reading
So, so happy
The suffering people of Nepal have shrugged off the impact of a massive earthquake by taking to the streets to celebrate the birth of a new Royal princess.
“It’s such good news for the British public,” said delighted Anchal Tursing, “they must be fed up of hearing about our misery. We really love the Royal Family and even if I hadn’t been forced into the streets by the earthquake I’d be out here celebrating wildly. It might be selfish, but I can’t help but wish the rest of my family had survived to enjoy this special day.” Continue reading
The death of novelist Ruth Rendell has prompted a police investigation after a suggestion on Twitter that her death may the work of serial killer, following the recent death of her friend, bestselling author PD James.
“It sounds like an unlikely plot from one of their own novels, but it is true that our enquires were prompted by a social media report,” confirmed a uniformed police commissioner, whose only apparent qualification for his exalted position seemed to be an ability to panic in the face of a hostile press; and thus provide an object of scorn for the investigating officers.
“The killer is at large, but there is no need to panic, unless you are the author of character based crime fiction set in the UK with a quirky but well-meaning police inspector as the hero,” he continued. Continue reading
Barred from the election campaign
Following mounting concern amongst Ballsfandom followers at Ed Ball’s absence from the political front line, the Labour Party’s publicity machinery has clanked into life to assure Balls fans that their hero is alive and well and will be seen again soon after the General Election.
“Other than Ed himself, there is nothing sinister about Ed’s disappearance,” said a pro Miliband Labour spokesperson. “He has been told to concentrate on his next budget and to help him with this we’ve provided him with all the things he needs like a safe and secure house, several minders and his usual six square meals a day.” Continue reading
Appropriate use of an NHS blanket?
The police have launched an investigation following accusations that Ed Miliband was stabbing the British people in the back with the Trident replacement.
In a statement a spokesperson for Westminster police confirmed the Labour leader was to be questioned later today.
“At this stage we’re not sure how anyone could be stabbed with a nuclear missile, but whenever we receive allegations of wrongdoing, even from the Daily Mail, we are duty bound to investigate to ensure a criminal offence has not been committed.” Continue reading
“We couldn’t work it out”
The death of John Lennon’s first wife, Joni marks the end of an era when the Beatle WAGS – Joni, Jane, Patti and the other one – were almost as famous as the Fab Four themselves.
However the glamorous life was not for Joni. Although the sixties were swinging all around her, Joni spent much of the time miserably hiding from the limelight due to an unusual aversion to citrus fruit.
Although Joni often said her Beatle husband had never written her a soppy love song, it is believed that he wrote “She’s so Heavy” towards the end of her first pregnancy when Joni was expecting their son, Julian. The couple went on to have 3 more children together – Dick, George, and Anne – before he left her for Japanese artist Yo! Sushi. Continue reading
So long and thanks for the drinks
Kensington Palace has confirmed Prince Harry will be leaving the Royal Family at the end of June.
A spokesman was keen to stress that the red headed action man was not being thrown out of the Family, saying, “It’s not so much he’s being kicked out of the Royal Family; more, he was never a member of the Family in the first place.”
Palace insiders admitted things had come to a head recently with the lack of any family resemblance becoming increasingly obvious as Prince William’s hair has decided to recede faster than a Sandringham hare at the sight of a royal gun. Continue reading
Lenny celebrates with stereotypical yellow duck
As Comic Relief celebrates 30 years of raising funds for deserving causes by threatening the nation’s television viewers with mild humour, two of its stalwarts have announced their retirement from the cause saying it’s time for others to step forward and benefit from the profile raising free publicity.
Former comedian, Lenny Henry, says he has a lot to thank Comic Relief for, having seen his status rise from token black guy on Tiswas to token twenty stone black guy advertising Premier Inn’s all- you-can-eat-breakfasts. Continue reading
Officials in the revenue protection department of Croydon Borough Council have been reminiscing about their former colleague Mohammed Emwazi who has been identified as vicious ISIS killer Jihadi John.
“Quite simply, Mo was the most successful traffic warden we ever had,” said his former boss, Eric Braithwaite. “He zealously carried out his duties with a fervour that bordered upon fanaticism which did wonders for the Council coffers.”
“Mo had a hypnotic glint in his eye which made motorists generously hand over cash far in excess of any incurred parking penalties,” he continued. “Of course, he realised that he wasn’t universally popular, which was apparently the reason he always carried a machete. Continue reading
Now all we need is a Klingon proof nappy
Technology will soon be available to make traditional births a thing of the past with babies set to be beamed down to their nursery cots instead of expectant mothers having to endure a long and sometimes painful labour.
It is a far cry from Call the Midwife, but local midwife Betty Nunn is convinced that beamed births are the way forward, saving millions of pounds for the National Health Service.
“My nan had one every day and she lived to the grand age of 39”
Warnings that the legendary Scottish delicacy, the deep fried mars bar, was unhealthy were based on flawed evidence and should not have been issued, scientists have said.
An article in the BMJ’s Open Heart journal asserts that advice adopted by authorities in the 1980s was politically motivated and was aimed at stamping out ethnic foods at a time when Scottish nationalism was on the rise.
Filed under Food, Health, News
One of Labour’s controversial new posters
Faced with increasing internal pressure to come up with fresh policy ideas, Labour Party strategists have come up with what they describe as a ‘sure fire election winner’ by postponing the publication of their election manifesto until after the General Election.
In interviews over the next few days, leaders will deny accusations that this is due to a dearth of policies by regurgitating their new set of NHS saving mantras which they have spent the last six months working on.
According to an insider at Labour HQ, Ed Miliband feels that working on a lengthy manifesto, which will only provide ammunition to opponents and is never read by the electorate, is a waste of time and resources. The thinking is that Labour can get their message across far more convincingly with sound bites and random promises to throw money at target voters. Continue reading
Another regrettable publication from the past
The campaign led by Benedict Cumberbatch to gain pardons for gay men who were persecuted by the state for the indecency laws of the time, has had a major setback after evidence has come out showing that homosexual men of the era were just as racist as everyone was in those days.
Recently discovered diaries of Alan Turing, mathematical genius and Cumberbatch’s’ best chance of bagging an Academy Award have suggested that Turing had the same prejudiced attitudes towards the black community as everyone else in the early 1950’s as illustrated by the following shocking extract. Continue reading