Author Archives: Max C-F

Sarlacc pit to replace prisons as Tories deny reckless underfunding

Still less bleak looking than HMP Dartmoor

The government has come under fire for for cutting almost all funding to the prison system and opting to chuck prisoners into a sarlacc pit instead. Continue reading

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DUP insist PM reroutes walking holiday to include march through Drumcree

As she marches she can sing that old classic “The Pink Frock My Father Wore”

World’s most angry and bigoted neighbourhood watch group run amok, the DUP, have stopped rolling around in all their magic money tree cash long enough to order the Prime Minister to radically change her holiday plans. Continue reading

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Government to ruin country to prank PM when she returns from holiday

A pleasant change from all those holiday photos of Dave pointing at fish

Bored of slowly making life worse for everyone but themselves the government has decided to lighten the mood and ruin the country completely over the next few days in order to surprise Theresa May when she returns from Italy.
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“Don’t worry, lads. Our leader will always be a man,” says English Labour Party

Ugh, a woman as the Doctor. How Tory is that?

Labour have offered comfort to men so incensed by Doctor Who now starring someone who doesn’t have a musket-and-bandoliers swinging about between their legs that their own are in danger of falling off through sheer rage by assuring them that the leader of their party will always be a man. Continue reading

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Desperate PM to try turning Tories off and on again

Strong and stable or don’t you think she looks tired?

Facing the prospect of Brexit kicking the UK so hard it’ll be wearing its arse for a hat as Conservatives from councillors to MPs are seemingly engaged in a ‘who can blather like the most offensive bubbly-jock’ contest while Michael Gove and Boris Johnson are like just out there, you know, loose, a frantic Theresa May has opted to turn the Tories off and on again in the hope that’ll fix all their and her problems. Continue reading

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Big increase in men who look like rats, says Office of National Statistics

Well maybe not this bad but still pretty damn ratty

Figures released today confirm that since 2010 the percentage of men who look like rats has increased dramatically along with significant rises in those who could best be described as ‘weaselly’ or ‘ferreties’. Continue reading

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Blair to hide from any war criminal charges in the Shard

“Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don’t look around my eyes, look into my eyes, you’re at war.”

Tony “I think most people who have dealt with me, think I’m a pretty straight sort of guy, and I am” Blair has found the perfect spot to go to ground as the chances of him being prosecuted for leading the UK into the Iraq War increase: the vast empty wastes of the Shard. Continue reading

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Sane Americans look at their president and regret the whole independence thing

Look how much more down to earth she is than Trump. Although shortly after this picture was taken Lizard Philip shifted into his true shape and ate the two on the left.

The fireworks are mere farts with tiny sparks and the hot dogs sadness loaded with fried regrets and ‘I can’t believe this is happening’ sauce for many Americans today as they spend the 4th July wondering if ditching the Brits was worth it now it’s lead to President Donald Trump. Continue reading

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Captain Pugwash and crew to police UK fishing waters

The Black Pig is now sixty-five per cent of the entire Royal Naval fleet.

In a post-Brexit attempt to have less friends than that weird kid from your primary school whose smell could make a statue vomit and had a plaster over one lens of his NHS glasses the government has announced that it will be enforcing control of UK fishing waters. Continue reading

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Tipsy DUP blow the whole billion on a giant chocolate orange

It’s just like that old marching song ‘The Chocolate My Father Ate’

Celebrating Theresa’s magic money tree rewarding mindless bigotry with the equivalent of twenty-six thousand nurses salaries, a tipsy DUP has confessed that they’ve spent the whole lot on a massive chocolate orange. Continue reading

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Brexit awesome! May strong and stable! Mysterious men in black everywhere

You want to be the meat in that sandwich, you know you do

Everyone in the UK has woken up happier than an MP contemplating their expense claims. The sun is shining, Brexit is a fantastic idea being superbly negotiated by the nation’s finest minds whose plan for it is detailed and brilliant and the government, led by the admirable Theresa May, is as strong and stable as a table made from granite and Gwyneth Paltrow’s belief that she’s not talking nonsense. Continue reading

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Anguish for tragic Daily Mail readers as it suddenly advocates tolerance

“My brain hurts.” –  a proud DM reader

The massed ranks of the Daily Mail’s flog ’em, hang ’em and have a wank over the glories of the British Empire crowd are suffused with heartache and confusion as it continues to masquerade as a slightly less hateful rag for the second day running. Continue reading

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Queen’s speech 2018 cancelled to give Tories more time to find their arse with a map

Will no one think of these two? They love wearing all this shit.

Andrea Leadsom, the leader of the Commons, has announced that the Queen’s speech will not take place next year. “Our top priority now is infighting,” she told journalists. “This will require a substantial amount of time and begin with knifing Theresa May in the back.” Continue reading

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Breathless nation waits to see what PM won’t take responsibility for today

You need new writers, Prime Minister. We’re available.

People all over the UK are waking up this morning with just one question on their lips: what issue will the Prime Minister refuse to acknowledge is directly connected to her and her party’s policies today?

“It’s quite exciting,” villager and keen politics fan Maya Begum told us. “What will Theresa May simply keep saying the same meaningless phrases about again and again? So much is wrong right now it could be anything.” Continue reading

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Fears grow for tragic PM unable to say anything other than meaningless three word phrases

Don’t you think she looks tired?

Concerned well-wishers are gathering outside the gates of Downing Street this morning as the Prime Minister continues to sound off like a senile Furby. Continue reading

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Father Christmas returns to Narnia at last

It’s starting to look a lot like Christmas

Oppressed fauns and talking beasts who’ve suffered greatly under the White Witch are this morning delighted by Father Christmas breaking her hold on their country and returning once more. Continue reading

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Idiots still believe social media posts count as much as voting

“Yay, I done a ‘mocracy. Go me. See you in five years.”

Asses, fools and prating coxcombs across the UK continue to insist that posting memes is as important as voting.

“It absolutely is,” insisted part-time shelf stacker and full time social justice warrior Kat McAllister. “I’ve been posting up to twenty anti-Tory memes a day for the last three days such is my commitment to getting them out and securing a better future for us all. Will I actually go to the polling station? Nah, I haven’t got time.” Continue reading

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Cthulhu rises in order to vote Conservative

Behold its soulless eyes and wonder how it is they convey more empathy than Philip Hammond’s.

Monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and massive Ed Sheeran fan, Cthulhu, has risen from the stone city of R’lyeh to cast its vote for the Tories. Continue reading

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Trump grabs planet by the pussy

But…but he seems so nice

The world continues to act surprised in the wake of an elderly sociopath proving that he has no regard for others or the future. Continue reading

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No mercy for voters as election campaign enters 4380th day

We choose him, her, other him, all of them, none of them, whatever, just please make it stop

Jaded voters are this morning facing another long and weary day of being campaigned at by politicians who are as in touch with how rest of us live as the Queen is with the latest beefs on the grime scene. While technically this build up to the nation going to the polls has lasted no longer than any other, many are reporting that it feels as if it’s been going on for at least twelve years. Continue reading

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