Author Archives: shitsutonka2

Students demand safe space from judgemental Father Christmas

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Fascist

The National Union of Students at the University of Dunstable is intensifying its campaign for a dedicated safe space for students to avoid the trauma of being deemed naughty or nice by Father Christmas. Continue reading

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Wales to close after Trump tweet knocks billions off value

wales_flagThe latest in a series of tweets made by furious ginger guinea pig in a crappy man costume, Donald Trump, which have sent some companies share prices tumbling has claimed its first landmass victim as Wales announced its closure after the President-Elect tweeted
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Anyone who goes shopping today clearly hates themselves

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They have given up the glory of the animal for an eggnog latte and a set of DVDs

Doctors have determined that anyone who chooses to spend hours of the only life they’ll ever have walking slowly in and out of some shops on a Saturday this close to Christmas is medically riddled with self-loathing.

“There’s no other explanation,” local doctor Clive Evans told us. “Why would someone for whom everything is going well and who has a sunny and optimistic outlook decide to do this? The answer is that they wouldn’t. People who go shopping today are in urgent need of help.” Continue reading

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Paul Nuttall denies being a politician as CV row intensifies

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Point to a racist, Paul

Lead character from a sitcom you’d have begged your parents not to let you stay up and watch, Paul Nuttall, has confronted the lies on his CV by denying that he is a politician. Continue reading

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Filed under Politics

A nation mourns as breakfast is served perfectly

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The reason why everyone in the UK can count to three in Spanish

Today has gotten off to an efficient and unhappy start as breakfast everywhere was served without incident due to a sudden, sad shortage of little waiters from Barcelona.

Every tray had the right amount of butter and all questions were answered properly and not with a ‘Que?’ and a blank look. There were no mishaps, outbreaks of spoon-based violence and absolutely no moose heads. Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment

Annus bobbinsus: Charlie Brooker’s 2016 Wipe to be 27 hours long due to horror

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Good luck to Philomena finding a moment of wonder in all this

Lugubrious chronicler of the end times, Charlie Brooker, has announced that his yearly review of the news which is normally sixty minutes long will last more than a day in order to cover all the terrible things that have happened and that even with all the extra hours he’ll “have to leave a lot out.” Continue reading

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Filed under TV

IDS denies that benefit sanctions don’t work as they helped him kill “loads of feckless scum”

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Point to your right, Iain

Lack of intelligence, wrapped in a falsified CV, inside a complete absence of empathy, Iain Duncan Smith, has refuted today’s National Audit Office report which states that there is no evidence that welfare sanctions work. Continue reading

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Filed under DWP, Politics

Narcissistic racist to apologise to US on “behalf of Britain” for its mockery of narcissistic racist

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Anyone else having trouble with the fact none of this is photoshop?

Cathedral roof gargoyle come to boorish life, Nigel Farage, has announced that he is going to the US to “meet all sorts of people and I shall say to them…please forgive some of the things that were said about your President during the election campaign because I’m just that important. Did you see those buses and that poster? That was me. I am shit-hot, ladies.” Continue reading

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Filed under International News

Queen’s Christmas Message to be replaced by 15 minute scream to better sum up 2016

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We felt like this by January 2nd and it’s only gotten worse

A leaked document from Buckingham Palace titled “2016: Blow me to Bermuda!” has revealed that the Queen will not be delivering a Christmas message to the country and the Commonwealth this year as 2016 has been “a right old barrel of piss” and that Her Majesty couldn’t put a decent spin on this one even if “we swap the royal Sanatogen for disco biscuits before showtime.” Continue reading

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Blair returns to UK politics: perfect end to a perfect year

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He’s the hero we deserve

Tony Blair has kindly popped up to give everyone a bloody good laugh by claiming that he will now seek to influence UK politics from the “progressive left or centre-left”.

Wiping tears of mirth from her eyes Harold’s Labour Councilor Nina O’Neil said that this had “cheered her up a treat” and that “it’s good to step away from politics and Trump and Brexit and laugh at something absurd. Is Tony Blair the new parrot sketch?”

“The idea that a war-mongering, dodgy business owning, where do you even start with the wife, possessor of a fortune built on the blood of Iraqi children, psycho-Christian could in any way represent the left is just hilarious,” she said. “Can he be on BBC1 on Christmas Day instead of Mrs Brown?”

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Filed under Brexit

Pensioners who can’t afford to turn on heating delighted by Buckingham Palace’s £389m refurbishment

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“OMG! Best news evar!”

The oldest and most vulnerable in our society are happy that one of them, an elderly lady known only as Mrs E. Windsor is having her house refurbished at tax payers expense. Continue reading

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“It’s just a jump to the right and then a step to the right”: Brexit Time Warp is crap, complain dancers

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Claims he’s a doctor but he’s still an illegal alien. No more, let’s take back control

The Ministry of Truth-approved version of dull people thinking they’re cutting loose classic, the Time Warp, is almost impossible to dance to, would-be revellers have complained.

As culture continues to undergo evaluation and correction to make it suitable for Brexit Britain the Time Warp has failed to be improved. “It’s rubbish,” said disappointed terpsichorean, Jane Hough. “It’s just a jump to the right and then a step to the right, with your right arm in the air, women, keep your knees in tight, there’s no pelvic thrust…How do you dance to that?”

“The whole thing becomes a mess of disgruntled people milling around not knowing what they’re doing and having no fun,” she said. “What that’s got to do with Brexit I can’t imagine.”

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Filed under Brexit

Office workers lynch colleague who said she couldn’t wait for Christmas

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Ho, ho, oh sod off you fat, judgemental bastard

Staff at Harold Save & Prosper have defended their decision to put office manager Sam Woods in a wicker man on the grounds that it was unreasonable to expect them to tolerate an adult who genuinely enjoys Christmas. Continue reading

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Andrew Lloyd Webber writes show about ‘sticking it to The Man’: Music is dead

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Anarchy in the UK brought to you by Baron Lloyd-Webber of Sydmonton and Baron Fellowes of West Stafford

Satan’s little goblin of plagiarism and inanity, Andrew Lloyd-Webber, has finally succeeded in killing music by writing a musical, School of Rock, about the glory of rock and roll with fellow desiccated hulk, the purveyor of cliché and wet dream fodder for the sort of person who’ll  campaign to preserve an old church and to deny entry to the UK to children fleeing a war zone with equal vigor that is Julian Fellowes.  Continue reading

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David Cameron confirms that he doesn’t have a care in the world

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He’s like a room without a roof

Waitrose essential olive oil in a suit, David Cameron, has confirmed that he’s having a lovely life and isn’t bothered about anything at all. Continue reading

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Daily Mail calls for death penalty after Brexit judges seen not wearing poppies

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Wear them or die. We give it five years before that’s a real law

The Daily Mail, an evil early post-war village fête where all the cakes taste like hate and the top prize in the raffle is a trip to throw stones at the Windrush as she docks in word form, is today demanding the death penalty for the three judges who ruled that MPs should vote on Brexit after they were photographed not wearing poppies. Continue reading

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Statue of Liberty spotted buying ticket to Paris “just in case”

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She’s been doing that grumpy face ever since she realised what a mistake being in Ghostbusters II was

The Mother of Exiles from whose beacon-hand glows worldwide welcome has been spotted in a Manhattan travel agents buying a one-way ticket to Paris for November 9th.

“It’s just in case,” said the Statue of Liberty. “Just in case Trump wins the keys to the White House. I’d rather go home than stay here as a landmark in a country ruled by an orange malignancy who couldn’t be more of an enemy of democracy if he beat it to death in an alley then broke into its house and shat on its cat.” Continue reading

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Filed under US Elections

Sun launches campaign for UK to only accept child migrants wearing poppies

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Wave this at the Border Force and it’s as good as a visa

Mindless drunken bellow of rage echoing out of a piss-stained alley at closing time in word form, the Sun, is demanding that the UK closes its borders to anyone who isn’t a small child wearing a poppy.

“Anyone who doesn’t wear a poppy AT ALL TIMES is not British enough to be part of our great society,” thundered the paper owned by a man who’s so patriotic he swapped nationalities for tax purposes. “This great country should only accept tots, little tiny tots wearing poppies looking photogenically bewildered as the clutch their teddies, teddies made in Britain wearing poppies, for comfort.” Continue reading

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Queen to rule USA until it can behave properly

"Guess who's back, bitches"

“Guess who’s back, bitches”

Two hundred and forty years after they were told to sod off the British are to regain a former colony and take control of the United States of America on the grounds that it’s become too silly.

“One has looked at Mrs Clinton and One has looked at Mr Trump,” said Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel and Empress of the Lone Islands. “And when it comes to both of them One’s reaction is, in the words of the philosopher Will Smith, aw, hell naw!”
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Filed under US Elections

Trump to import Brute Squad from Florin to “observe” polling stations

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Anybody want a peanut?

Donald Trump has today announced that in order to “protect this great democracy from Crooked Hillary” he is flying the Florinese Brute Squad to the US at his own expense.

“This will make America great again!” Trump thundered. “King Humperdink is a swell guy, we’re very close unless he turns out to be a huge threat to global security and then I’ve never met him. He’s got this amazing Brute Squad in Florin City that go into the Thieves Quarter and prove that the long arm of the law usually has a rock at the end of it. I love these guys!” Continue reading

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Filed under International News