Author Archives: shitsutonka2

Pensioners who can’t afford to turn on heating delighted by Buckingham Palace’s £389m refurbishment

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“OMG! Best news evar!”

The oldest and most vulnerable in our society are happy that one of them, an elderly lady known only as Mrs E. Windsor is having her house refurbished at tax payers expense. Continue reading

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“It’s just a jump to the right and then a step to the right”: Brexit Time Warp is crap, complain dancers

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Claims he’s a doctor but he’s still an illegal alien. No more, let’s take back control

The Ministry of Truth-approved version of dull people thinking they’re cutting loose classic, the Time Warp, is almost impossible to dance to, would-be revellers have complained.

As culture continues to undergo evaluation and correction to make it suitable for Brexit Britain the Time Warp has failed to be improved. “It’s rubbish,” said disappointed terpsichorean, Jane Hough. “It’s just a jump to the right and then a step to the right, with your right arm in the air, women, keep your knees in tight, there’s no pelvic thrust…How do you dance to that?”

“The whole thing becomes a mess of disgruntled people milling around not knowing what they’re doing and having no fun,” she said. “What that’s got to do with Brexit I can’t imagine.”

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Filed under Brexit

Office workers lynch colleague who said she couldn’t wait for Christmas

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Ho, ho, oh sod off you fat, judgemental bastard

Staff at Harold Save & Prosper have defended their decision to put office manager Sam Woods in a wicker man on the grounds that it was unreasonable to expect them to tolerate an adult who genuinely enjoys Christmas. Continue reading

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Andrew Lloyd Webber writes show about ‘sticking it to The Man’: Music is dead

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Anarchy in the UK brought to you by Baron Lloyd-Webber of Sydmonton and Baron Fellowes of West Stafford

Satan’s little goblin of plagiarism and inanity, Andrew Lloyd-Webber, has finally succeeded in killing music by writing a musical, School of Rock, about the glory of rock and roll with fellow desiccated hulk, the purveyor of cliché and wet dream fodder for the sort of person who’ll  campaign to preserve an old church and to deny entry to the UK to children fleeing a war zone with equal vigor that is Julian Fellowes.  Continue reading

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David Cameron confirms that he doesn’t have a care in the world

youk2

He’s like a room without a roof

Waitrose essential olive oil in a suit, David Cameron, has confirmed that he’s having a lovely life and isn’t bothered about anything at all. Continue reading

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Daily Mail calls for death penalty after Brexit judges seen not wearing poppies

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Wear them or die. We give it five years before that’s a real law

The Daily Mail, an evil early post-war village fête where all the cakes taste like hate and the top prize in the raffle is a trip to throw stones at the Windrush as she docks in word form, is today demanding the death penalty for the three judges who ruled that MPs should vote on Brexit after they were photographed not wearing poppies. Continue reading

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Statue of Liberty spotted buying ticket to Paris “just in case”

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She’s been doing that grumpy face ever since she realised what a mistake being in Ghostbusters II was

The Mother of Exiles from whose beacon-hand glows worldwide welcome has been spotted in a Manhattan travel agents buying a one-way ticket to Paris for November 9th.

“It’s just in case,” said the Statue of Liberty. “Just in case Trump wins the keys to the White House. I’d rather go home than stay here as a landmark in a country ruled by an orange malignancy who couldn’t be more of an enemy of democracy if he beat it to death in an alley then broke into its house and shat on its cat.” Continue reading

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Sun launches campaign for UK to only accept child migrants wearing poppies

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Wave this at the Border Force and it’s as good as a visa

Mindless drunken bellow of rage echoing out of a piss-stained alley at closing time in word form, the Sun, is demanding that the UK closes its borders to anyone who isn’t a small child wearing a poppy.

“Anyone who doesn’t wear a poppy AT ALL TIMES is not British enough to be part of our great society,” thundered the paper owned by a man who’s so patriotic he swapped nationalities for tax purposes. “This great country should only accept tots, little tiny tots wearing poppies looking photogenically bewildered as the clutch their teddies, teddies made in Britain wearing poppies, for comfort.” Continue reading

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Queen to rule USA until it can behave properly

"Guess who's back, bitches"

“Guess who’s back, bitches”

Two hundred and forty years after they were told to sod off the British are to regain a former colony and take control of the United States of America on the grounds that it’s become too silly.

“One has looked at Mrs Clinton and One has looked at Mr Trump,” said Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel and Empress of the Lone Islands. “And when it comes to both of them One’s reaction is, in the words of the philosopher Will Smith, aw, hell naw!”
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Trump to import Brute Squad from Florin to “observe” polling stations

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Anybody want a peanut?

Donald Trump has today announced that in order to “protect this great democracy from Crooked Hillary” he is flying the Florinese Brute Squad to the US at his own expense.

“This will make America great again!” Trump thundered. “King Humperdink is a swell guy, we’re very close unless he turns out to be a huge threat to global security and then I’ve never met him. He’s got this amazing Brute Squad in Florin City that go into the Thieves Quarter and prove that the long arm of the law usually has a rock at the end of it. I love these guys!” Continue reading

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Filed under International News

Trump denies running for president, blames media

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“O, thou scabrous reptile, thou cream-faced loon, thou pussy toad…” Joe Queenan

Proof that money can’t buy happiness or a decent wig, Donald Trump, has taken to Twitter to deny that he’s running for President of the USA. Continue reading

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Brexit Britain: watching Countryfile to be compulsory

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Him and Matt Baker run a fight club #FACT

Despite most Brits being obese city dwellers who wouldn’t know a badger if they found one in their kitchen whipping up a batch of parkin, Amber Rudd has announced that every citizen of Brexit Britain is now required to watch Countryfile. Continue reading

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Pound continues to fall: Greggs bags now legal tender

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We give it six months before it’s this or a loaf of bread costing £200 billion

As the value of the pound drops faster than the all new Shadow Cabinet’s approval ratings the UK has adopted bags and wrappers from Greggs as an alternate currency.

“This new approach is exactly where Brexit Britain should be according to my financial planning,” said abyss that stares back, Philip Hammond. “There’s no cause for concern and globally this country in no way looks like a howling mess pushed into crisis by suggestible bigots. Greggs wrappers are fine, just fine. Everything is fine.”

The new currency will inevitably put strain on the NHS as people gorge themselves even fatter on pasties to get Greggs bags however at a press conference later today Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage are expected to announce that the NHS will be getting an extra three hundred and fifty million bags a week so there’s nothing to worry about.

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Theresa May launches her new image: “I have a dream today!”

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The Prime Minister decides against “blacking up”, until voters get used to her new image

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for rich right wing old people in the history of our nation.

Five score and six days ago, the only voters we now give a rat’s arse about, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, declared that there was no such thing as Europe.

This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of working class people who will now be even easier to manipulate. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their perceived captivity to Brussels and released them to a world where they only have themselves, and certainly not us, to blame.

I have a dream that one day  Continue reading

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Filed under Civil rights, News, Politics

Tense nation looking forward to a good, hard Brexit

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Brexit lifts us up where we belong

Minister for Brexit, David Davis, is to promise the UK what it needs in a speech at the Tory conference.

“Will it hurt?” he will say. “Not for me. For you, that’s a different matter. Hurt is such a subjective expression, don’t you think?” Continue reading

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Shadowy Windsor family exposed in multi-generational benefit scam

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Brown envelopes seem more appropriate but Bacs transfer will have to do

Whilst her former flunkey, Ronald Harper begins a five-stretch, over a trifling £100K bung, 90 year-old Elizabeth Windsor has dodged prosecution again, despite pocketing that amount and more, weekly, for over sixty years.

Based on nothing more than Mrs Windsor popping out of the right vagina in the early 20th century, a web of her relatives, many of them German or Greek immigrants, has taken advantage of the UK’s generous social security system ever since. Continue reading

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2016 refusing to rule out further bad behaviour

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Big sparkly git

An unrepentant 2016 says it may continue being an utter twat-puffin until the very last seconds of December 31st just for the hell of it.

“Am I the worst of the post-war years?” it mused. “Well maybe, although 1984 will always be in with a shout as that’s the year McCartney released the Frog Chorus.” Continue reading

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DWP blames its war on the vulnerable on being haunted by the ghost of IDS

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Ghost IDS is thorough, it even haunts the signs

The DWP has slashed funds for homeless hostels and supported housing for disabled people but claims it has no choice as their head office is haunted by an evil spirit that will only tolerate the persecution of those most in need.

“It’s chaos here and bloody terrifying,” a civil servant told us. “Ghost IDS stalks the corridors at night casting evil dust abroad. When you arrive the next morning and try to be compassionate all the computers have a bazzy and the fire alarm goes until something horrific is entered into the system.” Continue reading

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Idiots can’t cope with idea of pressing 4 instead of 1 to watch cake show

Programme Name: Great British Bake Off - TX: n/a - Episode: n/a (No. n/a) - Embargoed for publication until: 13/08/2013 - Picture Shows: Paul Hollywood, Mary Berry - (C) Love Productions - Photographer: Des Willie

Two white people, Union Flags and fattening food. There’s enough here to keep Guardian columnists fretting for weeks.

The nation is being rent asunder by howls of outrage as people try to grasp the concept of watching a TV show on another channel.

“I just can’t do it,” said local Bake Off fan Jane Hough. “Switching to four instead of one, what fresh hell is this? That’s the whole thing ruined for me now. I won’t watch at all, it’s easier.” Continue reading

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“Because I met my constituents” why Cameron really resigned

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After this Dave couldn’t bear to talk to plebs ever again. 

David Cameron has ended speculation about why he’s chosen to resign as an MP by stating it’s because he can’t cope with being in the same room as ordinary people. Continue reading

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