“Blessed are they …who convert their neighbour’s ox, for they shall inhibit their girth …and to them only shall be given– to them only… shall… be… given…”
Jeremy Corbyn has relaunched Labour as an electoral force by calling for an end to coherent policy making and representing the views of Remainers such as, for example, sixty-five per cent of Labour voters.
“Labour now stands for the values of not being wedded to policies and mis-speaking,” he said in a landmark speech. “Let me be perfectly unclear and then let me be so again on the Today programme and again on World at One and maybe even Sky News.” Continue reading
Hello Sandman fans, you’re looking lovely today
As more famous people who everyone really liked die and obituary writers everywhere call in sick with exhaustion, a Kickstarter campaign has been launched to pay for the Grim Reaper to go on holiday so us mere mortals can have a break from miserableness. Continue reading
What the average fifty-something couple looks like to a twenty year old.
Those born in the mid-nineties or after, Generation Z, are more bouncy and loud than ever following the release of a government report which states that just 20% of middle-aged people are healthy and the rest lie more awkwardly than whatever that is on top of Donald Trump’s head when talking to their GP about their lifestyle. Continue reading
The ghosts who for over one hundred and seventy years have been successfully haunting misanthropic rich men and getting them to see the error of their ways have refused to work their magic on Donald Trump. The ghosts’ agent, C.J.H Dickens, said that they’d been offered the gig and begged to attend by Trump’s transition team however all three have said no. Continue reading
Tis the season to be exactly like Anne and Mary Boylen. Just swap who gets to play nug-a-nug with Henry VIII for who gets to keep the remote control and there’s literally no difference #FACT
Adults across the country are happily preparing to return to their parents’ homes and resume fighting with their brothers and sisters in the most petulant and immature way possible. Continue reading
“Nationalism is an infantile thing. It is the measles of mankind” – Einstein
The something nasty in the nation’s woodshed, Nigel Farage, has united people across the political spectrum by being deeply unpleasant.
“The world seems more violent and confusing than ever,” said parish councillor, Nina O’Neill. “Thanks then to Nigel Farage for being entirely vile and bringing us all together with a rallying cry of ‘hark at this arsehole, can you believe what he’s just said?’” Continue reading
At this point would anyone mind if the Vogons turned up and did their thing?
Mice, the hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional beings who paid for the computer we all live on, have decided to hit system restore and run 2016 again. Continue reading
A healthy and nutritious dinner for one
The village is divided this evening on whether or not today is the day you can eat and booze like Falstaff on a bender without being accused of self-harm.
The National Union of Students at the University of Dunstable is intensifying its campaign for a dedicated safe space for students to avoid the trauma of being deemed naughty or nice by Father Christmas. Continue reading
The latest in a series of tweets made by furious ginger guinea pig in a crappy man costume, Donald Trump, which have sent some companies share prices tumbling has claimed its first landmass victim as Wales announced its closure after the President-Elect tweeted
They have given up the glory of the animal for an eggnog latte and a set of DVDs
Doctors have determined that anyone who chooses to spend hours of the only life they’ll ever have walking slowly in and out of some shops on a Saturday this close to Christmas is medically riddled with self-loathing.
“There’s no other explanation,” local doctor Clive Evans told us. “Why would someone for whom everything is going well and who has a sunny and optimistic outlook decide to do this? The answer is that they wouldn’t. People who go shopping today are in urgent need of help.” Continue reading
Point to a racist, Paul
Lead character from a sitcom you’d have begged your parents not to let you stay up and watch, Paul Nuttall, has confronted the lies on his CV by denying that he is a politician. Continue reading
The reason why everyone in the UK can count to three in Spanish
Today has gotten off to an efficient and unhappy start as breakfast everywhere was served without incident due to a sudden, sad shortage of little waiters from Barcelona.
Every tray had the right amount of butter and all questions were answered properly and not with a ‘Que?’ and a blank look. There were no mishaps, outbreaks of spoon-based violence and absolutely no moose heads. Continue reading
Good luck to Philomena finding a moment of wonder in all this
Lugubrious chronicler of the end times, Charlie Brooker, has announced that his yearly review of the news which is normally sixty minutes long will last more than a day in order to cover all the terrible things that have happened and that even with all the extra hours he’ll “have to leave a lot out.” Continue reading
Point to your right, Iain
Lack of intelligence, wrapped in a falsified CV, inside a complete absence of empathy, Iain Duncan Smith, has refuted today’s National Audit Office report which states that there is no evidence that welfare sanctions work. Continue reading
Filed under DWP, Politics
Anyone else having trouble with the fact none of this is photoshop?
Cathedral roof gargoyle come to boorish life, Nigel Farage, has announced that he is going to the US to “meet all sorts of people and I shall say to them…please forgive some of the things that were said about your President during the election campaign because I’m just that important. Did you see those buses and that poster? That was me. I am shit-hot, ladies.” Continue reading
He’s the hero we deserve
Tony Blair has kindly popped up to give everyone a bloody good laugh by claiming that he will now seek to influence UK politics from the “progressive left or centre-left”.
Wiping tears of mirth from her eyes Harold’s Labour Councilor Nina O’Neil said that this had “cheered her up a treat” and that “it’s good to step away from politics and Trump and Brexit and laugh at something absurd. Is Tony Blair the new parrot sketch?”
“The idea that a war-mongering, dodgy business owning, where do you even start with the wife, possessor of a fortune built on the blood of Iraqi children, psycho-Christian could in any way represent the left is just hilarious,” she said. “Can he be on BBC1 on Christmas Day instead of Mrs Brown?”
“OMG! Best news evar!”
The oldest and most vulnerable in our society are happy that one of them, an elderly lady known only as Mrs E. Windsor is having her house refurbished at tax payers expense. Continue reading