Author Archives: Max C-F

Sane Americans look at their president and regret the whole independence thing

Look how much more down to earth she is than Trump. Although shortly after this picture was taken Lizard Philip shifted into his true shape and ate the two on the left.

The fireworks are mere farts with tiny sparks and the hot dogs sadness loaded with fried regrets and ‘I can’t believe this is happening’ sauce for many Americans today as they spend the 4th July wondering if ditching the Brits was worth it now it’s lead to President Donald Trump. Continue reading

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Captain Pugwash and crew to police UK fishing waters

The Black Pig is now sixty-five per cent of the entire Royal Naval fleet.

In a post-Brexit attempt to have less friends than that weird kid from your primary school whose smell could make a statue vomit and had a plaster over one lens of his NHS glasses the government has announced that it will be enforcing control of UK fishing waters. Continue reading

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Tipsy DUP blow the whole billion on a giant chocolate orange

It’s just like that old marching song ‘The Chocolate My Father Ate’

Celebrating Theresa’s magic money tree rewarding mindless bigotry with the equivalent of twenty-six thousand nurses salaries, a tipsy DUP has confessed that they’ve spent the whole lot on a massive chocolate orange. Continue reading

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Brexit awesome! May strong and stable! Mysterious men in black everywhere

You want to be the meat in that sandwich, you know you do

Everyone in the UK has woken up happier than an MP contemplating their expense claims. The sun is shining, Brexit is a fantastic idea being superbly negotiated by the nation’s finest minds whose plan for it is detailed and brilliant and the government, led by the admirable Theresa May, is as strong and stable as a table made from granite and Gwyneth Paltrow’s belief that she’s not talking nonsense. Continue reading

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Anguish for tragic Daily Mail readers as it suddenly advocates tolerance

“My brain hurts.” –  a proud DM reader

The massed ranks of the Daily Mail’s flog ’em, hang ’em and have a wank over the glories of the British Empire crowd are suffused with heartache and confusion as it continues to masquerade as a slightly less hateful rag for the second day running. Continue reading

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Queen’s speech 2018 cancelled to give Tories more time to find their arse with a map

Will no one think of these two? They love wearing all this shit.

Andrea Leadsom, the leader of the Commons, has announced that the Queen’s speech will not take place next year. “Our top priority now is infighting,” she told journalists. “This will require a substantial amount of time and begin with knifing Theresa May in the back.” Continue reading

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Breathless nation waits to see what PM won’t take responsibility for today

You need new writers, Prime Minister. We’re available.

People all over the UK are waking up this morning with just one question on their lips: what issue will the Prime Minister refuse to acknowledge is directly connected to her and her party’s policies today?

“It’s quite exciting,” villager and keen politics fan Maya Begum told us. “What will Theresa May simply keep saying the same meaningless phrases about again and again? So much is wrong right now it could be anything.” Continue reading

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Fears grow for tragic PM unable to say anything other than meaningless three word phrases

Don’t you think she looks tired?

Concerned well-wishers are gathering outside the gates of Downing Street this morning as the Prime Minister continues to sound off like a senile Furby. Continue reading

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Father Christmas returns to Narnia at last

It’s starting to look a lot like Christmas

Oppressed fauns and talking beasts who’ve suffered greatly under the White Witch are this morning delighted by Father Christmas breaking her hold on their country and returning once more. Continue reading

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Idiots still believe social media posts count as much as voting

“Yay, I done a ‘mocracy. Go me. See you in five years.”

Asses, fools and prating coxcombs across the UK continue to insist that posting memes is as important as voting.

“It absolutely is,” insisted part-time shelf stacker and full time social justice warrior Kat McAllister. “I’ve been posting up to twenty anti-Tory memes a day for the last three days such is my commitment to getting them out and securing a better future for us all. Will I actually go to the polling station? Nah, I haven’t got time.” Continue reading

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Cthulhu rises in order to vote Conservative

Behold its soulless eyes and wonder how it is they convey more empathy than Philip Hammond’s.

Monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and massive Ed Sheeran fan, Cthulhu, has risen from the stone city of R’lyeh to cast its vote for the Tories. Continue reading

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Trump grabs planet by the pussy

But…but he seems so nice

The world continues to act surprised in the wake of an elderly sociopath proving that he has no regard for others or the future. Continue reading

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No mercy for voters as election campaign enters 4380th day

We choose him, her, other him, all of them, none of them, whatever, just please make it stop

Jaded voters are this morning facing another long and weary day of being campaigned at by politicians who are as in touch with how rest of us live as the Queen is with the latest beefs on the grime scene. While technically this build up to the nation going to the polls has lasted no longer than any other, many are reporting that it feels as if it’s been going on for at least twelve years. Continue reading

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“Bollocks to it, you sort it out” PM asks the Doctor to fix everything

Nardole, the Doctor and Bill: we’ve more faith in these three than we do in Rudd, May and Johnson

With the threat level at Gadsbudlikins! and the NHS on its knees plus Debatable being on all the damn time, Theresa May has ceased to be strong or stable and asked the Doctor to make everything shiny again.
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Guardian’s campaigning for the Tories “going brilliantly” says editor

Katharine Viner the editor of the Guardian, a former left of centre newspaper turned heavily moderated online identity politics forum, says that she’s proud of all the campaigning it’s doing for the Tories. Continue reading

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Posh parents letting their kids run wild in restaurants now UK’s leading cause of stress

Do they come with a mute button yet? Has science sorted that out?

A new study from the University of Dunstable has confirmed that nothing has a more stressful impact than trying to eat while little Allegras and Milos are allowed to go tonto as their parents knock back the wine and congratulate themselves on how free-spirited their highly gifted progeny are. Continue reading

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Trump closes US borders to witches to stop them hunting him

Point to someone who’s about to get impeached, Donnie

Donald Trump, the least credible politician since Caligulia’s horse, Incitatus*, claimed during a series of tweets that he is the victim of “the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!” and as such is closing the borders to witches from all countries. Continue reading

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Election latest: MPs wish they were important enough for Russia to hack

We’re with Bad Vlad on this one. Who honestly wants to know more about these people?

With less than a month to go before polling day, UK politicians are more desperate for attention from Russia than Guy Richie is for someone to pay to watch King Arthur. Continue reading

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Kelvin MacKenzie: The Truth – picked pockets and urinated on policeman when fired

One must have a heart of stone to read the sacking of fat Kelvin without laughing

Answer to the question: name a tabloid columnist many times more despicable than Katie Hopkins, Kelvin MacKenzie, went on an astonishing rampage in the moments after he was sacked from the Sun.

The Evening Harold has been exclusively tipped off by senior members of South Yorkshire police (who weren’t there) that the portly prevaricator ran amok fighting members of the emergency services and stealing from anyone he could get close to. Continue reading

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Corbyn orders McDonnell to lay down electoral life in futile gesture

Don’t know why these two are on our minds

Jeremy Corbyn has told shadow chancellor John McDonnell to sacrifice himself for the good of Labour’s election campaign.

“The election’s not going very well, you know,” said Corbyn. “It’s a psychological thing rather like a game of football and in football ten men often play better than eleven so I’ve asked John to be that one man.”
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