As the government steers Brexit with all the skill of a cow attempting to land a Lockheed Martin F-35 Lighting II on the deck of a storm-tossed aircraft carrier at midnight it has decided to give police and prison officers more money. Continue reading
Author Archives: Max C-F
Police across the UK are speaking of their sadness at the news that the Righteous Copper’s Friend aka the Yellow Pages will now be entirely online.
“It brings a tear to my eye,” said Harold’s entire police force PC Anita Flegg. “Since 1966 Ol’ Yeller has been a vital component in many a conviction. Beating the shit out of some nasty little scrote until they confess to everything from the Gunpowder Plot onwards won’t be the same when we’ve got to do it with a laptop.” Continue reading
Two decades have passed since the nation was brought to a standstill by a very good example of why you should always wear a seat belt. Continue reading
Compelling evidence that the world isn’t real but a computer simulation that’s gone tits up in a crappy suit, Donald Trump, has told a press conference that he is proud to have pardoned Scar, a hirsute regicide from Pride Rock. Continue reading
An urgent appeal for volunteers has been made by a group set up to help those who just can’t take in the fact that the United States has an illiterate and racist satsuma in charge of it. Continue reading
A level results getting villagers today are happy in the knowledge that absolutely no one cares.
“All through school I was told that A levels would define my entire life,” eighteen year old Simon Delaney told us. “Now I’ve finished I know that they serve no purpose whatsoever and that I can now get on with doing things on my own terms.”
“A levels, degrees – all a load of bobbins,” Cassie Fine, owner of local geek shop Dungeons & More Dungeons said. “My CV says I went to Miss Cackle’s Academy for Witches, did a BA at Unseen University, an MPhil at the College of Winterhold and a DPhil at the Tufty Club. Never had a boss who’s bothered to check if it’s true.”
The rumour that A levels now only exist in order to allow Jeremy Clarkson the opportunity to post the same smug tweet about them every year remain persistent but as yet unconfirmed.
The end of August currently seems to be a hundred years away for knackered tabloid journalists ordered to write as much Princess Diana related bobbins as possible day after day. Continue reading
Alarmed at no longer being able to simply dispatch her husband to go and open a badger sanctuary whenever he starts getting on the royal tits, the Queen has spent some of our money on buying him a shed to sit in. Continue reading
Fans of the tits ‘n’ dragons spectacular, Game of Thrones, are claiming that the episode leaked online is a hoax and that naughty hackers have put up a documentary on Britain instead.
“I’m very disappointed,” said local fan, Meya Begum. “It’s just crappy weather and miserable peasants being taken advantage of by a privileged few who couldn’t find their arses with a map. I was hoping to see The Wall but I’m sure I saw a branch of Greggs instead.”
“All you get to see is people being manipulated into ruining their lives because of a shiny slogan written on the side of a bus, I mean banner,” she said. “The only thing that makes me wonder if it’s fantasy after all is that in this all the poor people are thin.”
Though for years it has been thought that even a book containing nothing more than the same picture of a puddle on every page would sell millions of copies as long as readers were assured that the puddle was in the grounds of Hogwarts, the legend of The Boy Who Lived has finally failed. Beaten not by a terrifying Dark Wizard but by a sweaty meeting room in Brussels.
“This new story’s rubbish,” said local Harry Potter fan, Jane Hough. “I’m prepared to believe in magic, flying cars, house elfs and all that. But this new book claims that Harry’s leading the Brexit negotiations with no plan and no idea of the consequences. That’s just too far-fetched.”
“And I don’t agree with changing Ron and Hermione’s names. Ron’s now this loud blond buffoon who does nothing constructive but seems to think he’s going to be the next Prime Minister and Hermione’s a brittle nightmare who only ever says three words at a time: “Brexit means Brixit”, “strong and stable”, “confidence and supply”. Has a Dementor sucked out her brain as well as her soul?”
“I might stick with it to the end. Hopefully Harry’ll be a hero after all and cast the obliviate spell on everyone and then we’ll forget Brexit was ever going to happen.”
The government has come under fire for for cutting almost all funding to the prison system and opting to chuck prisoners into a sarlacc pit instead. Continue reading
World’s most angry and bigoted neighbourhood watch group run amok, the DUP, have stopped rolling around in all their magic money tree cash long enough to order the Prime Minister to radically change her holiday plans. Continue reading
Bored of slowly making life worse for everyone but themselves the government has decided to lighten the mood and ruin the country completely over the next few days in order to surprise Theresa May when she returns from Italy.
Labour have offered comfort to men so incensed by Doctor Who now starring someone who doesn’t have a musket-and-bandoliers swinging about between their legs that their own are in danger of falling off through sheer rage by assuring them that the leader of their party will always be a man. Continue reading
Facing the prospect of Brexit kicking the UK so hard it’ll be wearing its arse for a hat as Conservatives from councillors to MPs are seemingly engaged in a ‘who can blather like the most offensive bubbly-jock’ contest while Michael Gove and Boris Johnson are like just out there, you know, loose, a frantic Theresa May has opted to turn the Tories off and on again in the hope that’ll fix all their and her problems. Continue reading
Figures released today confirm that since 2010 the percentage of men who look like rats has increased dramatically along with significant rises in those who could best be described as ‘weaselly’ or ‘ferreties’. Continue reading
Tony “I think most people who have dealt with me, think I’m a pretty straight sort of guy, and I am” Blair has found the perfect spot to go to ground as the chances of him being prosecuted for leading the UK into the Iraq War increase: the vast empty wastes of the Shard. Continue reading
The fireworks are mere farts with tiny sparks and the hot dogs sadness loaded with fried regrets and ‘I can’t believe this is happening’ sauce for many Americans today as they spend the 4th July wondering if ditching the Brits was worth it now it’s lead to President Donald Trump. Continue reading
In a post-Brexit attempt to have less friends than that weird kid from your primary school whose smell could make a statue vomit and had a plaster over one lens of his NHS glasses the government has announced that it will be enforcing control of UK fishing waters. Continue reading
Celebrating Theresa’s magic money tree rewarding mindless bigotry with the equivalent of twenty-six thousand nurses salaries, a tipsy DUP has confessed that they’ve spent the whole lot on a massive chocolate orange. Continue reading