Compared to what I’ve planned, my previous cuts are tiny
The NHS will get bigger doses of the same medicine “but only if the public choose us again” said Jeremy Hunt, adding “What hasn’t killed you is obviously not yet strong enough.”
Speaking on the Andrew Marr Show this morning, Mr Hunt said that doctors, nurses, and support staff will only deliver first rate services if their hopes and dreams are further crushed, beneath the heel of an immensely wealthy man who doesn’t have to use them himself.
“It’s no use having a Health Secretary who depends on the NHS for his own healthcare” he said “Otherwise he might be swayed by issues of self-interest, such as being seen within 4 days when he turns up at A&E with a broken jaw, an axe in his head, or a rectally inserted junior doctors’ contract.”
“Might I interest you in some slightly out of date marmalade, Andrew?”
Filed under News, NHS, Politics
Scientists made the prosthetic hand more lifelike than the original
Harold scientists have developed a prosthetic hand with extraordinary grasping powers, inspired by the limbs of well-known yacht enthusiast, Sir Philip Green.
Dr Rachel Guest explains: “Our new device bypasses usual hindrances like common decency, by incorporating the so-called Green technology chip into a myoelectric hand.”
“Once it detects stored wealth, say pensioners’ life savings, the prosthetic limb can grasp everything not actually nailed down, then hide it in a Monaco bank account held in trust by the other hand.”
Come on then, Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough
Theresa May says firing off threats and insults is the bedrock of successful negotiations and so she’ll be a “bloody difficult woman” towards Jean-Claude Juncker during Brexit talks.
Reviving a line used during her leadership campaign, when she didn’t need opponents to like her afterwards, she added “Come on then Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough!”
Anyone else hearing General Melchett? “Baaah”
The Met have questioned this month’s Ukip leader Paul Nuttall, after he issued threats to “hold the goverment’s feet to the fire”, during the official launch of Ukip’s election campaign.
“If enough people are stupid enough to vote for him” said Met Commissioner Cressida Dick “Mr Nuttall threatened some form of physical violence. Taking hold of another person’s feet without consent Continue reading
Moan, moan, moan, moan. Moan, moan, moan, moan.
Although Paul Nuttall will stand in the general election, he hasn’t chosen which unlucky people will have to endure weeks of his irritating, whining fantasy, before formally telling him to sling his hook in the early hours of 9th June.
Nuttall could stand in his home town of Bootle, where he practised losing in 2005 and 2010. Oh, and 2015. Bootle is not a million miles from Anfield however, so being the ‘local boy made good racist’ might be offset by having played the popular politicians’ sport of Hillsborough bandwagon jumping rather too enthusiastically.
The Ukip leader told LBC radio “I might stand in Xenophobia, that’s in Essex isn’t it? Wherever I choose, as the leader of the party I will be, obviously, leading the party into battle, as I did with 2 Para at Goose Green”. “I don’t really like to talk about it.” he added.
A moment of self doubt? No, just thinking about shoes
Ivanka Trump says her father is essentially a feminist, a keen supporter of women’s rights.
“I grew up in a house where there were no barriers to what I could accomplish as a billionaire’s daughter.”
Speaking without apparent irony on women’s entrepreneurship, Ms Trump said she stayed a whole year at her first job after school, before being lucky enough to land a post with the Trump Organization.
“You’ve got to make your own luck in business, because nobody’s going to hand you success on a plate.” Continue reading
He could be deployed at a press conference within 45 minutes
Tony Blair has been interviewed under caution on suspicion of causing harassment, alarm or distress to Radio 4 listeners who, over the weekend, heard him suggest he might return to front line politics.
“The Public OrderAct covers a wide range of anti-social behaviour.” said the Met’s new Commissioner, Cressida Dick. “True, the Act doesn’t actually specify what those behaviours are, however, I can’t think of anything more alarming than the threat of Blair gurning his way into our lives on radio and TV again, with his mock humility and those weird Continue reading
But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya punk?
Labour’s new look Jeremy Corbyn is a steely-eyed man; he’s seen his share of trouble but takes no shit. From anyone.
In a departure from his previous gentle style, Corbyn challenged a shadow cabinet rebel today, in forthright terms. “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did he fire six colleagues or only five?’ Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky? Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Everyone: “Just stop it, all of you.”
Senior politicians from all parties have demanded that politicians from other parties stop playing politics in the run up to the General Election.
At Prime Ministers question time today, Theresa May told the House that calling the election was essential as “too many Westminster MP’s had deliberately made political points about the details of Brexit”.
Do you take Tesco Clubcard points?
Harold’s fattest man says losing his wages to an algorithm is pretty much the same as living the dream of casinos, fast cars, and Vodka Martinis; whatever they are.
Billy Mckean, star of the harrowing documentary ‘Help, my liver’s the size of a dog’, says that his ‘undercover job’ as a Tesco Express security guard gives him insight into the superficially different worlds of a criminal mastermind breaking the bank at Casino de Monte Carlo and Darren, from Continue reading
Filed under idiots, News, TV
Kelvin MacKenzie, what’s not to like?
The thing you trod in but can’t scrape off your boots however hard you try in human form, Kelvin MacKenzie, has applied the Sun’s equal op’s policy and compared Everton’s Ross Barclay, who has Nigerian heritage, to a gorilla at a zoo.
MacKenzie had been worried that there might yet be some in the city of Liverpool who he hadn’t offended by printing a series of lies about the Hillsborough disaster.
“You know, idiots or those who are both blind and deaf. Maybe someone with severe dementia or in a persistent vegetative Continue reading
Filed under Liverpool, Media
There’s a big demand for these chops so you can have one at half-price
Well-known free market critic, the Daily Mail, has called on the government to cap the cost of BBQs in warm weather.
Inspired by the story of Jon Platt, who rejects the laws of supply and demand when they increase his holiday costs, the Mail is expanding its campaign for discount-price holidays during peak periods, to include other seasonal goods and services.
“Retailers ‘somehow’ manage to sell a Weber Genesis E330 BBQ for £700 in January” whined Sarah Vine, who used to be a journalist, “but barely three months later, the sun comes out and they’re all ‘It’s £1,599 take it or leave it’. It must be Jeremy Corbyn’s Continue reading
Filed under Holidays, News
Neil Hamilton is just as honest as he looks
Former Tory, liar and bankrupt, Neil Hamilton, has accused Mark Reckless of being untrustworthy, in the latest round of Abandon SinkingShip-gate.
The disgraced former MP, who left the Tories and is now UKIP leader in Wales, proving that the biggest turds float to the top, has criticised Reckless for leaving UKIP and aligning himself with the Tories.
Reckless had “betrayed the trust” of UKIP supporters said Hamilton, without a trace of irony, or even a knowing wink Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
[Hold it in, you can do it … no use … too strong … aagh] “HITLER”
Ken Livingstone used the last hours before learning if banging on about Hitler and the Jews would lead to his expulsion from Labour, to bang on about Hitler.
Offered the chance to talk about Brexit, Arsene Wenger’s future at Arsenal, and the Cadburygate scandal, the loveable newt-botherer elected to keep on digging his way downwards, out of the hole in which he’d found himself. Continue reading
Only *something* of the night?
Former Tory leader, Lord Howard has made the world just a little darker (again), by referencing the Falklands war when discussing Gibraltar, but he’s certain the Spanish won’t be offended at all.
“No, it’s fine, trust me. It won’t mean anything to Spain, as they’ve no links to Argentina.” said Howard “Apart from a shared heritage and culture. Oh, and the language, Spanish is it?”
“Most Spaniards won’t have even heard of the Falklands,” Continue reading
Filed under Defence, idiots, War
Policies no longer written in indelible ink.
The government’s latest policy U turn, on testing kids who struggle to fasten their shirt buttons, has come as a shock to teachers, who thought it was all going swimmingly.
“Sats are great” affirmed Harold teaching assistant, Carly Jeffery “they don’t cause stress for schools, staff, children or parents, so I’m wary of dropping them without evidence. But clearly the DfE knows what it’s doing.” Continue reading
Filed under Education, News
“Bigger arseholes? How would that have worked then?”
Nigel Farage, has set the UK a tough puzzle; “How could UKIP possibly have been bigger arseholes over the past few years?”
In the wake of Farage’s claim that UKIP could have been more anti-immigrant, but for the spoilsport Douglas Carswell, the Nation has expelled a massive “WTF?” “I’m a dab hand at crosswords and killer sudoku and once got two questions right on Brain of Britain,” said Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Carswell leaving leaves UKIP a few nuts short of a fruitcake
Clacton’s worryingly weird MP, Douglas Carswell, a highly principled man who changes party more often than most people do their socks, has abandoned a sinking ship and left UKIP. Which is what Clacton deserves, you’re probably thinking.
“I won’t switch parties, or cross the floor, “said Carswell, who will just stay on as MP for Clacton, without bothering the voters again. “It’s not big money as an MP but more than I’d get elsewhere realistically, so it was a no-brainer.”
“I’ll sit as an independent now,” he explained, before adding “not with all UKIP’s other MPs. Oh no, they haven’t got any …” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
They say he’ll have your eyes out in a flash. As will the eagle
The naming of an old fossil in honour of David Attenboroug was abandoned today, after it yawned, scratched, and was revealed as Keith Richards, contemplating a difficult guitar riff.
This is just the latest in a series of setbacks for the naming things after Sir David Attenborough industry.
Last year the ‘Dinosaur Attenborosaurus Conybeare’ was found to be Ronnie Wood, taking an unusually long afternoon nap.
A wildflower named Attenborough Hawkweed, Continue reading