Dilnot, ruining everything for the nation. It’s number 11, you idiot!
The TV news build-up to the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement was ruined for many today, when a BBC reporter stood outside Number 10 Downing St. in error.
Alec Fairchild, a man who usually gets his political insight from the Mail and Sky News, tuned into BBC today, by mistake, and was completely thrown by finding himself staring at Theresa May’s front door.
“Typical bloody lefty BBC, all that public money and they still can’t get it right,” fumed Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “this is exactly why I don’t pay the licence fee.” Continue reading
Farage tries to find out which clown had been in charge
“Just because I’ve gone on and on and on about the lack of EU audits,” says Nigel Farage “people I’ve accused of financial incompetence, or worse, have checked up on us and found we’re incompetent, or worse. It’s as if they don’t like me for some strange reason.”
Mr Farage said that he was angry to learn that UKIP had misspent EU funds on campaigning for Brexit.
Calling on the party to identify what sort of clown had been in charge during the campaign, he Continue reading
“a face built for a wicker man”
Embodiment of Teflon in human/lizard combo form, Tony Blair, will launch an attack on common decency next year, gurning his way into TV studios, onto TV sofas and thence onto our TV screens. Into our homes, as if the world wasn’t bad enough.
The well-known war criminal and former PM has assembled a formidable team of popular, cross-party politicians, including Murphy, Osborne, Clegg, and some bloke you won’t have heard of, who used to be a special adviser to Mandelson.
We’re not making this shit up, Continue reading
Hospital porters are no match for this puppy
Sergey Lavrov says Russia now has the upper hand in its fight against international aid workers in Aleppo.
“Frankly, Médecins Sans Frontières just didn’t turn up for the last one – it’s as if they know their un-sterilised scalpels are no match for our Su-34 strike aircraft.”
They’re ‘big men’ in their fancy operating theatres but not so high and mighty when 327 Squadron with Hospital-Buster ordnance turns that cosy scene into a theatre of war. Hah, pussies!” Continue reading
Farron briefly wakes up, half way through one of his own speeches
Footage appearing to show a politician nodding off at the controls of a political party is being “urgently investigated”.
The clip, apparently captured on a mobile phone in November, was sent to the Sun ‘newspaper’. It had been recorded about eighteen months from the derailment of his predecessor’s career.
In the 30-second clip, the leader – who is not the other dozy one who was involved in the last electoral disaster – appears to drift in and out of sleep as his party trundles along towards total destruction.
He is seen apparently struggling to remain upright, and members of the public can be heard expressing shock, or asking ‘who the hell is that?’ as the party approaches the awful possibility of a snap 2017 election.
Filed under News, Politics
Aggghhhhhh. Enough already. SHUT UP!
Wearied by the spewings of a malevolent, sulky troll over the past month, the UK has rediscovered its interest in Syria and migrants drowning in the Mediterranean.
“I got emotionally dulled by pictures of children covered in blood and dust.” says Harold’s Carly Jeffery “So in October, the prospect of a 24×7 reality show about an orange sociopath with anger issues Continue reading
Jacob. You can make up your own caption
Embodiment of arguments against wealth, privilege, and inbreeding, MP Jacob Rees-Mogg, says that Eton, Oxford, and a few years juggling other people’s money means he knows more than High Court Judges do about constitutional law.
Rather than spending hours in court, carefully listening to legal argument, fierce brexiter Rees-Mogg spent hours in TV studios, waiting to spout nonsense as soon as the High Court decision on triggering Article 50 was announced. So it was no surprise that he was at Sky News, already wearing his make-up, when it was. Continue reading
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Brave PC defends himself against a woman armed with beads
A group protesting Amber Rudd’s decision against an Orgreave enquiry has been flattened by a mounted troop of baton-swinging police officers.
Today’s retro cavalry-charge was “a limited, proportionate response and rather nostalgic,” a South Yorkshire Police spokeswoman explained, adding “anyway one of them looked a bit like Arthur Scargill, so they were asking for it. Continue reading
Now we’re going to play with this Emperor’s new ball here
“There’s no sleight of hand involved,” insisted the walking definition of ‘it’s who you know’ this morning. “But there is Derren’s trademark blend of magic, misdirection, psychology and showmanship.”
“Using it I’ve already convinced myself that I’m doing a brilliant job and that as a failed marmalade exporter I definitely know more about medicine than so-called experts. Sorry? No, nothing at all about marmalade, Continue reading
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Remember? Boris said he’d be driving one of these
“When people thought I was against it, I was running for Mayor of London but now I’m Top Kiddie at the FO and planning to stay.” Boris Johnson bumbled today, describing how his perceived opposition to a third Heathrow runway was merely him exploring its benefits for himself.
Johnson explained that protesters must, in some strange way, have got hold of the wrong end of the stick, whilst he was in fact just convincing himself how weak their argument was. “I didn’t expect anyone to think I was expressing a genuine belief though, because I don’t have any.”
“Yes I did say that I’d lie down in front of the bulldozers” Continue reading
The Stone had to be clamped in place , after twice running away
Grey, dull and seemingly hewn from the solid, Labour’s massive election cock-up, Ed Miliband has cost his Party’s election Stone dearly.
In the wake of the Electoral Commission’s £20,000 fine, Labour’s Stone has spoken for the first time about its 2015 election humiliation.
“My role was to be in the background, a solid, yet effectively blank canvass, against which party policies might be clearly outlined by a human.” Continue reading
Liz Truss. We’ll leave you to think of your own caption
Liz Truss is waiting to see if a 27% increase in prisoner self-harm can be translated into actual deaths, before starting on reforms planned by her hapless, pasty-faced predescessor, Michael Gove.
“Signs are encouraging but one swallow of bleach doesn’t make a summer.” Continue reading
“I’m in Room 264. What’s your policy on withdrawal?”
For her first PM speech at the EU summit, Theresa May was given a prestigious slot, between the traditional ceremonies of “Clearing the coffee cups” and “Laying the breakfast tables”.
After thanking her hosts for the honour of “the last speech”, with time limits enforced by Nicholas Parsons, Continue reading
Trump is on the lookout for floating voters
During the third televised presidential debate, the United States’ most popular orange wig-stand, Donald Trump, has refused to commit to accept gravity.
“I have a tremendous plan to make America float again.” said Trump last night. “Crooked Hillary’s ‘universal laws’ have held this country down for far too long. Believe me, it’s gonna be so great….”
When pressed by the moderator to confirm his acceptance of gravity, Trump declined Continue reading
Woolfe had to get out so quickly he had to leave his principles behind
Part-time scrapper, Steven Woolfe has been left stranded and lonely, after fleeing UKIP and not being rescued.
“I was afraid for my life after being attacked by Mike Hookem. I had to get out at such short notice I had to leave my principles behind.” said Woolfe yesterday “Astonishingly, other political parties simply rejected me.”
A tearful Woolfe appealed to Conservatives’ sense of compassion “It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be welcomed. Continue reading
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FURY SAYS HE CAN COPE WITH ATTACKS FROM THE LEFT OR THE RIGHT
Celebrity racist and well-known misogynist, Tyson Fury, has signed up for the UKIP leadership race, claiming he has the firepower to despatch Mike ‘Right’ Hookem in the early rounds.
“Mike was impressive against barrister Steven Woolfe. What a ridiculous name by the way, with a name like Woolfe I thought he’d be a bit tasty but he went down like his name was Poodle.” Continue reading
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massive braying bellend
With Nigel Farage still in charge of UKIP, the party which made everyday racism acceptable again, a campaign forcing the massive braying bellend to stay on has already gained huge support.
“We’d enough people signed up to trigger a parliamentary debate in the first hour.” said campaign organiser Alison Lee “If we reach ten million they’ll have to pass new laws, ensuring Farage not only stays as UKIP leader but also spends four hours in the stocks on College Green on weekends and alternate Wednesdays until further notice.” Continue reading
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Coming to a prison near you, as officer or inmate
Justice Minister Liz Truss says ex-soldiers working as prison officers will not only keep their guns but also be exempted from petty European Convention on Human Rights responsibilties, such as the right to life.
“Who better to instil the virtues of discipline?” asks Truss “Who better to show what you can achieve in life with courage, integrity, and an L85A2 assault rifle?” Continue reading
Our borrowing and spending is different from Labour’s because reasons
Philip Hammond says that his planned spending on infrastructure is wise and pragmatic, unlike Labour’s planned spending on infrastructure, which is another example of failed left-wing idealogy.
“We’ll build homes,” he said “where Labour planned to piss taxpayers’ money up the wall by building homes. We’ll improve transport links, where Labour planned to spunk away hard working families’ cash Continue reading
“First things first though” said Rudd “Is it inquiry or enquiry?”
The Home Secretary is to launch an inquiry, into why the head of the inquiry into why heads of inquiries resign, has resigned.
With inquiries into inquiries consuming an increasingly large proportion of the Home Office budget, a concerned Amber Rudd spoke yesterday. “We need to put a brake on it soon and I hope this new inquiry should do the job for us”.
“Otherwise the Chancellor might well order an inquiry into the costs of the bloody things.” Continue reading