Author Archives: dvo

Justin Gatlin thanks his lawyers and the drugs industry for his success

Attention deficit disorder means a worried Gatlin can’t remember where he left his stash

Men’s 100m World Champion Justin Gatlin has paid a touching tribute to professional weasels and to the pharmaceutical industry.

“Without those guys I wouldn’t be where I am today.” said Gatlin, his eyes bulging; a sentiment shared by 99% of spectators in the London Stadium, most of whom would rather have seen Pol Pot’s evil twin brother win the race.

He was first rumbled as a drugs hoover in 2001 but Continue reading

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Filed under Drugs, Sport

Daily Mail on Mo Farah: yeah, but he didn’t sing the National Anthem

Paul Dacre – “That medal should have been mine too and I’d have sung the National Anthem.”

With Mo Fara’s track career nearing its end, the Daily Mail has shrugged aside pretence and slagged-off the runner for not singing the National Anthem after winning world championship gold. Again.

“He’s as bad as f*&king Jeremy Corbyn!” screamed Editor Paul Dacre across the newsroom last night, before being sedated with a tranquiliser dart by the Mail’s anaesthetist. Again.

Some little known facts about the UK’s greatest athlete, as helpfully revealed in the Daily Mail.

It’s not widely known that Mo is short for Mohamed, which is a Muslim name.

He was born in Somalia, which is abroad, in Africa.

He has six world championship and four Olympic golds which might have been won by home-grown athletes.

“He was also given a knighthood, which should have gone to a newspaper editor. Sebastian bloody Coe got a peerage.” sobbed Mr Dacre in the recovery room.

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Filed under News, Sport

Puzzled Jeremy Hunt: asks suicide risk case Judge, “‘what are shame and embarrassment?”

“Shame? Nope, I’ve got no idea.”

Jeremy Hunt is baffled by a Judge’s criticism of NHS services, which included the unknown words ‘shame’ and ’embarrassment’.

“This is another example of an out of touch judiciary” said a clearly exasperated Health Secretary “using obscure words, which no one understands. I’ve asked all my colleagues and they don’t know their meaning either. Maybe he made them up, like me and NHS Continue reading

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Filed under Health, Law and Order, News, Politics

B&Q: garden sprinklers “will be back in stock by October”

Sprinklers definitely in stock by Christmas

The sprinkler aisle of the echoing barn you mooch around peering at tools, to avoid doing any actual DIY, will be fully stocked by October half-term.

“By Guy Fawkes night at the latest.” confirmed B&Q’s marketing director, Anna Jones today. “Probably. Definitely before you throw the hose into the shed for the winter.”

Jones says a fickle public is itself to blame for various shortages “Wellington boots? Hardly get looked at in July but by December, just after we’ve sent them back, it’s all ‘My allotment looks like the Somme, Continue reading

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Filed under News, Shopping

Jeremy Hunt clarification: “making Mental Health work more attractive to staff won’t involve me resigning.”

Come on back. Your old desk still has your tear stains on it

Sacrificial anode in human form, Jeremy Hunt says he won’t resign, even though surveys show it’s the best way to make NHS work more attractive to potential recruits.

“It’s largely due to me we’ve got so many vacancies in mental health, so why would I leave?” asked the hapless Health Secretary, who genuinely has no self awareness; ironically making him an ideal subject for teaching trainee psychologists about sociopathy, if only Continue reading

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Filed under Health, News, NHS

Brexiters advised to hold referendum if unhappy with Brexit talks outcome

Look, the answer is as plain as this £350m gold brick I’m holding

Brexiters wanting a skydiver-without-parachute EU exit have been reminded that a referendum might be the answer.

Remainer Jason Beesley from Harold says he “feels the pain” of hard Brexiters and suggests an advisory, binary, Yes/No poll might clarify what the UK public wants.

“That’s a rubbish idea.” said Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, News, Politics, referendum

Man planning hard divorce hires chainsaw to split the assets

David Davis photographed when he found out he’ll still have to pay the debts

A Dunstable man going through a divorce has hired a chainsaw with which to split the family assets and he’ll start with the house itself.

“It’s got a wooden frame so it should be quite easy, as long as I don’t hit any nails” said David Davis “I assume that’s what she meant by ‘sparks are going to fly’, when I told her about it.”

Davis won’t consider a soft divorce, where everything is discussed beforehand. “I want to crash out of the marriage without any agreement, so I’ve insulted my wife and her lawyers as much as I can. My mate Boris told me that’s the best way to get what you want – which in my case is Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Brexit, idiots, News

Battle of Britain Flight Lancaster shot down in paintball accident

The RAF’s only Lancaster bomber has been ‘shot down’ by a Messerschmidt 109 fighter in a freak air-show accident in Harold.

The Lancaster, PA474, never saw combat although it’s been flogged round the country for years, taking credit for a victory in which it had no part; like an aeronautical John Terry. Continue reading

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Filed under Nostalgia

“Just stop it! Abusing hospital staff is my job” says Jeremy Hunt

“Threatening doctors and nurses is my job”

Jeremy Hunt insists the task of threatening Great Ormond Street Hospital staff is his and his alone, warning “amateurs” protesting over little Charlie Gard’s care to leave it to trained professionals, like him.

“I studied for years before taking on the role of abusing NHS staff” argues Hunt, who accepts this didn’t involve studying healthcare. “And I always have to keep my knowledge up to date, with frequent private healthcare briefings and Continue reading

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Filed under Health, NHS

OJ Simpson hopes to resume his career in murdering

“I can do a discount for two, if that helps.”

“I’m much too old for football” said OJ Simpson today “and with no more Naked Gun movies planned, I’m going back to something I’m really good at – killing folks.”

The terms of Simpson’s parole mean he has to find gainful employment, so the former sportsman and actor plans to resume taking other people’s lives.

“Obviously I can’t do more armed robberies, that’s why was in the slammer in the first place” said the actor twice nominated for the most wooden delivery  “but I’ve never been convicted of murder so that’s not off-limits.”

Simpson says the big adjustment for him now will be killing for money, rather than revenge, but others disagree with that assessment.

“I’ve seen his film work” said Harold’s own former Bond girl, Emilie Bourdain. “It may seem astonishing but he got paid for that shit and he’s certainly murdered a few scripts in his time.”

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Filed under Crime, News

May welcomes reduction in JAMs & increase in No Longer Managings

almost as if they don’t understand what’s really going on

The PM says more people no longer managing highlights the success of her focus on cutting the number of JAMs.

“If you replay my first speech as Prime Minister, you’ll see that I promised to deliver to those who were just about managing.” said Mrs May today, responding to a Resolution Foundation report on the economy.

“And I have delivered. Fewer people just about managing means fewer children living in uncertainty. In their new, more certain status, they know exactly what they’re going to get Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, News, Politics

Jailed for menacing messages about Gina Miller and for being a prick

In due course, no doubt Rhodri will begin to feel a prick

In a landmark judgement, “Lord St Davids”, Rhodri Colwyn Philipps has been jailed for being a prick.

Philipps had been found guilty of being a prick at an earlier hearing, when he refused to stand up in court until being addressed as Lord St Davids.

Sentence had been adjourned until his trial on charges of sending menacing messages. He was duly convicted on Monday but generously allowed to go home and pack his tooth brush, pyjamas and Continue reading

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Filed under Law and Order

May shocked by GE result. “Activists I spoke to all promised to vote Tory”

As Mrs May prepares to emote, an aide slices an onion, just off-camera

Theresa May says she’d been shocked by the general election result, as the activists, funders, and Daily Mail journalists she’d focussed her energies upon for the previous seven weeks all promised to vote Tory.

Glowing, uncritical, daily editorials and headlines such as “Mayggy, mayggie, mayggie! In in in!”, “Boot the scrufy marxist into touch!”, and “Should evil Corbyn be tried as a traitor?” Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2017, Politics

As tagging scheme proves as useless as him, Chris Grayling “still certain” he must have done something right at MoJ

insists not every single bloody decision he made was a complete disaster.

The f%cknugget against whom every other f%cknugget is measured, the gold standard f%cknugget Chris Grayling, is sure he did something right as Justice Minister.

 

“To give you a clue about his competence,” said a weary MoJ insider “when Michael Gove took over here and reversed many of Chris’ decisions, he seemed like Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, News, Politics, Technology

DWP. Our work with the disabled is “already piloting” the cashless society

Another couple of parasites out on the lash

Work and Pensions minister, David Gauke says the DWP has made great strides towards eliminating a cash-in-hand society for the disabled.

“Obviously, some of them do still have some cash but Rome wasn’t built in a day and we’ve plans to siphon that off Continue reading

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Filed under DWP, Employment

Viscount says calling Gina Miller ‘a boat jumping immigrant’ was complimenting her athletic prowess

Nasty but dim: 4th Viscount St Davids. Fulfilling the stereotype

Lord St Davids has wearily explained to a court that offering five grand to have Gina Miller run over shouldn’t be seen as him offering five grand to have her run over after pleading not guilty to charges of making malicious communications and being a prick.

“Gina Miller, mmm… strapping girl. Full of admiration for her ability to jump over boats. It’s in their genes, you know. Offering £5000 to have her run over was a bit of a jape. She could jump my bon.. jump over cars easily.”

The Viscount posted on facebook “£5,000 for the first person to ‘accidentally’ run over this bloody troublesome first generation immigrant” but says this should be seen in the light of his financial position.

“I’m broke. Well” he chuckled “that’s what I told my creditors last year, before ‘accidentally’ becoming bankrupt again,  Continue reading

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Filed under Law and Order, News

Police ‘delighted’ with new lengthy paperwork requirements

On a good day Jackson completes one in under 4 hours

New rules, that mean having to fill in a 10 page form every time they speak to someone, have delighted police.

“Ten pages is nothing, bring it on.” chuckled Dunstable police’s PC Jackson. “This is why I joined the Police. I always wanted to make a difference.”

“Yesterday, for instance, I spoke to a woman who asked the way to Whipsnade zoo and then spent a lovely few hours back at the station filling in the details.” she said. “I didn’t finish typing until six o’clock, by which time Whipsnade had shut Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Law and Order, News, Police

New statue of Margaret Thatcher to have wider appeal, by being pre-vandalised

This may be more lifelike than the original

With proposals for a Mrs Thatcher statue in Parliament Square rejected for fear of vandals, a Harold sculptor has submitted plans for a ready-vandalised version.

Sculptor Digby Burns is perhaps best known locally for his acting, having appeared in an early episode of Midsomer Murders [uncredited, man walking dog by lake] and of course, his career-defining series of TV ads for Dairylea Continue reading

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Filed under Art, Culture, Politics

Hoping for “a spirit of the Falklands” ratings boost, May sends in taskforce

“I knew Jack Kennedy. Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.”

Theresa May has recalled the heady days of Mrs Thatcher bashing Johnnie Foreigner whilst helpfully improving her dire poll ratings, by deploying a taskforce to deal with the aftermath of the Grenfell Tower fire.

Just like Margaret Thatcher before her, Mrs May has sent in a taskforce to sort out problems resulting from a series of piss-poor risk assessments, in the hope that the public will revise their opinion of her. Doesn’t seem likely Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Boris Johnson favours raising cap on saying anything to get himself made PM

“Stab her in the front or the back? Today or tomorrow?” Boris weighs up his options

Boris Johnson is the latest top Tory to feign concern for public sector staff as a screen for a leadership bid.

“Our fantastic nurses, firefighters, police, some others I can’t think of. I’ve got the notes here, somewhere.” he said, patting his pockets and acting the roguish Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, News, Politics