Archaeologists were celebrating today after the discovery of what is thought to be the smallest, hardest to find apology in the history of writing.
The apology, which experts believe is on the bottom left corner of the front page of the Sun newspaper, was forced upon that publication after they were found to have lied to their readers by claiming Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn swore allegiance to the Queen for monetary benefit.
The Sun printed this story in massive letters a foot high, complete with a page-filling image of Corbyn with a jester’s hat clumsily Photoshopped on by a lazy intern.
The apology measured approximately 0.0000000000000000002 millimetres in height, was written in Welsh, and was actually only visible to eagles.
“We can’t believe we found it,” explained chief archaeologist Montana Evans. “We’ve never actually seen anything that small before, it’s a work of genius – only someone with the tiniest of tools and mind could have put it there.”
When asked why they had not apologised more noticeably for lying to their readers, a spokesperson for the Sun was keen to explain, saying:
“It’s pretty simple. We don’t want people to know we lie to our readers, so we commissioned this new micro-font that’s too small for humans to read, and used that.”
“If we wrote the apology any bigger, our readers might know we lied to them, you see. And that wouldn’t look good for us.”
Once discovered, the actual wording of the apology could also be said to be less than ideal. Whereas any reasonable human might expect something on the lines of: “We apologise for lying to our readers about Jeremy Corbyn”, the actual text read: “Boring story about cheese, see page 2”.
The Evening Harold asked the Independent Press Standards Organisation (Ipso) if they felt that their demand for an apology could be seen as somewhat lacking in bite. A spokesperson denied this, saying: “We insisted they apologised for the lying to their readers thing. We told them they could write anything they wanted, and make it as hard to find as possible.”
“Quite honestly, we can’t see what else we could have done.”
The Ipso spokesperson had to leave before any more questions, claiming that it was nearly midday, and he had to go and have his lunch pre-chewed.
Because the Independent Press Standards Organisation, who are supposed to protect us from being lied to by The Sun, are utterly toothless.
And, let’s face it, fucking useless.