The Miss Universe 2015 contest has ended in confusion and disarray after the host mistakenly named Scottish tennis star Andy Murray as the surprise winner.
A shocked but delighted Murray had already been crowned, and was in the middle of a worldwide TV interview before the mistake was spotted.
“This is so unexpected, but I couldn’t be happier,” Murray announced in front of a cheering crowd. “I’ll do my very best to be as feminine as possible during my term as Miss Universe, starting with the grunting, that’s so important for us lady players.”
“I don’t think I’ve quite got the look yet, either. I’ve got quite a smooth backhand, but the rest of me is pretty hairy, to be honest.”
When the embarrassed host returned to the stage to announce that the actual winner was in fact Miss Philippines, the crowd booed as Murray struggled to hold back the tears.
“I’ll get over this,” he sobbed. “I’ve learned a lot, and I’ll come back next stronger next year. And I’ll probably shave.”
Fans of the Miss Universe competition were quick to condemn the poor organisation that led to this disaster.
Brian Renfrew from the village of Harold, whose hobbies are beer and looking at women, was scathing in his criticism.
“It’s been a right cock-up from start to finish, an absolute load of bollocks,” he explained. “For me, the whole Miss Universe thing should always be about massive tits.”
“And that’s why it should have been Tyson Fury up there, obviously.”